Highfall (16 page)

****

“What do you mean you “have to” leave for your home town tonight?” 
Vasko was confused.

“It’s Monica’s funeral tomorrow,” Annika told him in a low voice.

“Monica’s?  The girl who … “ Vasko stopped.  He recalled that one is not supposed to talk badly of the dead.

“Yes.”

“Are you sure you want to go?  Because you don’t “have to”, you know?  Have you decided already?”  Vasko knew that unfortunately if she had already decided, there was no way he could talk her out of it.

“Yes, I want to be there.”

“Ok, I will come with you then.”  Vasko did not want to leave her alone.

“No, Vasko.  I have to deal with this myself.  You have never even seen Monica.  I need to go alone.”  Annika was firm about it.

“Okay.”  Of course for Vasko it was not okay, but there was nothing he could do.

“I will leave tonight and be back tomorrow evening.”  Annika kissed Vasko on the lips and went to the bedroom to pack her bag.

33

Vasko took Annika to the coach station.  It reminded him of the old times when they could only spend the weekends together and had to say goodbye at the coach station when it was over.  With the same passion as in the past they hugged and kissed.  Vasko was tense and worried.

“Please take care of yourself!  And don’t forget that I love you,” he whispered after kissing her forehead like a father.

“Sure... And that I am married.”  Annika was trying not to be too serious.  She smiled to cheer him up but that did not work.

Annika climbed aboard.  When the coach started she drew a heart on the window with her finger. Vasko smiled and waved to her.  He stood there and watched the coach until it was a speck on the horizon.

Annika had about two hours to think, reflect and feel.  She was torn by different thoughts and hugged by memories.  They were many and they all came to her in flashbacks.

Annika standing at the bus stop...  Stefan running into her…  The first time they looked at each other... Stefan's friend's pub... Sleepy Stefan waiting for her the next morning in the car... Their weekend getaway in the mountains and the first sex in the car... Their apartment with the guitar and the stereo... Their blissful bedroom... Stefan's apathetic look after his fix… Annika crashing the car…  Annika looking at the two stripes in the hospital WC...

God, it felt so long ago.  The funniest thing was that it felt as if it had all happened to someone else.  But at the same time Annika was reliving all these memories so intensely that it could not have been anyone else but her.

Memory followed memory... Now there were faces of different people. 
Flame… Monica… Dick…
Annika's face showed disgust when she “saw” Dick. 
Then it was the hospital patients and her colleagues… Queen Selka… the bunch of drug addicts… her ex-boss… the IT guys who introduced her to the Internet...

Then she “saw” the end.

This time everything was silent and in slow motion.

Annika climbing the stairs… Annika standing in the bedroom and dropping her bag… Stefan jumping out of bed… Monica with panic in her eyes… Stefan jumping on one foot trying to put on his pants...

Annika running down the stairs… Stefan shouting something… the rain pouring down on her… the black car driving straight towards her...

Annika jumped slightly and the guy sitting next to her looked at her in surprise.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes, thanks,” she murmured.

How could she tell him the truth?  She was not even sure about the truth any more.  Her sense of reality was blurred by the memories.

Then Annika thought about what it was that had made her cry.  She went back and realised that the last image she had of Monica was from that terrible day.  When she tried to recall Monica, nine times out of ten the image was of Monica sitting on the bed, covering her naked body with a sheet, with a look of heroin and panic in her eyes, her mouth half open, yet not managing to say anything... 

Then Annika thought of something that made her shiver.  She thought that maybe Monica was their saviour – hers and Stefan's.  Annika had been incapable of leaving Stefan, despite the fact that her brain told her that it was the only right thing to do.  And maybe she would never have left him but for Monica if things had not turned out that way.  Now, with her death, Monica was sending a very strong warning signal to Stefan.  Although Annika was not sure Stefan would realise anything... but yet.

It was amazing but in the two short hours of her bus ride Annika managed to do something she had been unable to do for years.  She genuinely forgave Monica.  Annika hoped that Monica would finally find peace over there.  Though she had no idea where “over there” might be.

She no longer wanted to keep the bitterness inside.  At last she had managed to free herself from all pain, bitterness and negative feelings.  She had finally stopped asking the “why” and “what if” questions.  Now, at this moment in the bus which was taking her home, Annika did not “think” it was time to let go – she felt it!

She was going to say goodbye to the people from her past.  Annika realised that their ghosts would be chasing her until the time she was able to confront them once and for all.  And it seemed that that time had come!

****

Annika woke up quite early.  She had not slept at all well that night.  Memories and emotions had preyed on her mind, and she had spent the greater part of the night tossing and turning.

Annika knew that it would take lots of strength to face all these people from the past.  She had realised that until she actually met them she wouldn’t know whether she was emotionally ready or not.  She had called Flame the night before and he had promised to come and pick her up.  At least the first person she saw would be the least bad option.

Annika had breakfast watching television.  It was the first time she had watched her country’s national television channel since they came back.  After the news had finished, she went to her room to get prepared.  Maybe it was not very appropriate considering the occasion, but Annika wanted to look nice.  She knew she would be tense and upset most of the time and she wanted at least to be self-confident about her looks.

The close-fitting black dress and black high-heeled shoes looked the part.  There was no jewellery, almost no makeup and she tied her hair into a small, neat pony tail.  Annika looked paler in that black dress.  A beautiful pale woman with sad eyes looked at her from the mirror. Annika did not look like a teenage girl any more.  During the last few years she had grown up and become a strong and attractive woman.  Today this woman was going to overcome yet another obstacle...

Annika jumped when she heard her mobile phone ring.  It was Flame to tell her that he was waiting outside for and she should come down.

Annika picked up her small black clutch bag, took a deep breath, closed her eyes, took another breath and went out.  This was going to be yet another day requiring all her strength, and she hoped she had enough left.

Flame looked at Annika with a smile and warmth in his eyes.  Annika smiled back. They kissed hello.

“I am so glad you came,” said Flame.

Then he looked at her wedding ring and added:

“And I am also very glad that you are happy.”

Annika nervously twisted her wedding ring with the other hand.

“Actually I came back from our honeymoon about a week ago,” she told him.

“So how is life?  I bet it’s pretty different from how it was before, huh?”

Flame looked deep into her eyes with concern.  Annika had a feeling that he was trying to understand whether she was really happy and everything was really fine, or if she was making things up and wearing a mask.

“Definitely!  Different; drug-free, stress-free and quiet I would say.”  Annika felt a little guilty at being happy.

“What about you?  How is your life?” Annika asked.

“Well, nothing special… Just an ordinary life… Excitement-free, partner-free, and with one problematic friend.”

Annika breathed in sharply when Flame mentioned Stefan.

“How is he?” she asked, but was not sure she wanted to know the truth.

“Worse than you can imagine,” Flame answered with a sad expression in his eyes.

“If even you could not manage to save him, there’s no point in anyone else even trying.  I am still trying though... I try, but at the same time I know it won't work.”

“I am really sorry.”  Annika's eyes filled with tears.

“Don't blame yourself.  You were far too good for him and I think he knew that... Is this the first time you're going to see him after...?  You know...” Flame asked.

“Yes,” she said, but could not even imagine how she was going to face him.

Flame put his hand on hers and said earnestly:

“Annika, don't let your past destroy your future!  Maybe if you could pretend that he is a completely different person now, someone you don't know, it might help.”

“Maybe.”

“Okay, let's go.”

Flame started the engine and they headed to the church.  Ironically it was the same church where Stefan and Monica had gone to get married only a few days before.  Now the same priest was going to be pronouncing completely different words...

34

Stefan was surprised that Flame was not home when he woke up.  When he went to the kitchen he found a note on the table:

“Stefan,

I have to deal with something before the ceremony.  Please make sure you do your best to look decent at the funeral.  No ripped jeans and filthy hair please.  Have at least a bit of respect, okay?  I will not be coming home, so will see you at the church.

Flame”

Now he was even more surprised than before.  Okay, whatever.  In order to look “decent” he needed to go home first, he thought.

His apartment was as messy as he when he’d left it.  Monica's lifeless wedding dress was still lying on the bedroom floor.  Stefan did not have the strength to touch it.  So it was going to stay like that for at least one more day.

He took a quick shower and opened his wardrobe, although he knew that he had only one black suit.  It was the one they’d bought for his wedding.  The suit was black and could be okay for the funeral too.  Stefan thought for a while.  Was it right to wear it?  Or maybe it was better to go with the ripped jeans after all?  Funny how people would judge him being in ripped jeans but think he looked very appropriate in the black suit he had worn to their wedding... This entire world was all about appearance, performance and packaging when all’s said and done.  No one cared what was inside.

Stefan put on the suit.  He tied his hair in a small ponytail and looked in the mirror.  The fellow gazing back at him from the mirror was good-looking but miserable.  His eyes were full of pain and loneliness.

The clock was racing and in no time at all he found he had to leave.

Walking down the same street he had walked down with Monica only a few days previously made him think how ironic life could sometimes be.  Here he was, wearing the same suit and walking down the same street... but now everything was so different.  He felt weighed down by guilt and put the entire blame upon himself.  Stefan felt as if he were the destroyer of all who got close to him and cared for him.  But that was just a consequence – first, he had destroyed himself.  He had destroyed his life, his love and his future.  The last thing Stefan destroyed was hope.  He had no hope any longer and he knew that things could only go downhill from now on.  So he dragged his heavy feet along the asphalt and cried.  He cried for Annika, for Monica, for his past and his unbearable future.