Highfall (19 page)

38

Once he had seen Annika's wedding ring and understood she had left his life for good, Stefan preferred being alone.  Apart from his punters and Flame, he did not mix with anyone.  After what had happened to Monica, he did not want anyone to get close to him.  Besides that, he understood that if he did not know the people he sold drugs to, he would feel less guilty.  It was a perfect ostrich strategy he practiced.  Everyone could see his naked ass apart from himself.  He felt fine just so long as he could ignore those seeing his naked ass.

Stefan did not perceive the people coming to his house on business as humans.  For him they were just faces and money.  He tried not to remember their names.  He was not trying to build any kind of relationship with them.  Stefan knew that they would be coming to him again and again, since all were deeply devoted to heroin.  Their loyalty was strong, since it was not loyalty to Stefan but addiction to the drug.  People came and went, and with every person who left Stefan felt ever lonelier.  The only person he sometimes met was Flame.  But even Flame could not make him feel better.

Very often Stefan dreamed of Annika and each time he saw her wedding ring, he woke up in a cold sweat.  Some time was needed until the panic attack faded, until he understood the reality - where he was and what was happening.  After that he looked at the empty space next to him in his bed.  The space occupied first by Annika, then by Monica.  After Monica it had held plenty of different naked bodies, none of which he could recall.  They were just tools to forget Annika and to fill the lonely air of his room with sighs and female breathing.

Along with that, Stefan closed up and lived with his
disease
, his
pain
, his
memories
and his
addiction
. The five of them would spend lonely, dark nights together, speaking to each other.

Disease:
  Hey dude, I think I am getting stronger with each coming day.

Stefan:
  Yeah. You’re right.  I feel that too.  You're a star!

Pain:
  Oh yes... you make sure that I always stay close to Stefan.  Thanks, Disy!  By the way

Stefan I keep on wondering – does Annika think about you at all... at least sometimes?

Stefan:
  I don't know... to be honest I’m afraid to find out...

Memories: 
Remember?  There were times when she thought only about you... every single second of the day... Remember?

Stefan:
  Damn you!  Have you taken over
Pain’s
mission as well?

Pain:
  The three of us - we've always been cooperating, didn't you know?

Stefan:
I kind of figured that out!

Addiction:
How long are you going to go on chatting nonsense?  Stop that and get that powder – you losers!

Stefan: 
You seem to be the only one who can manage to make those three shut up!  You can’t even begin to imagine how thankful I am to you for that!

One injection and
Disease
,
Pain
and
Memories
vanish into the night.

****

Coming back to the city was a big psychological challenge for Annika and Vasko.  No matter how ironic it might sound, they both had something akin to a culture shock back “home”.  They needed time to adapt to the new atmosphere.  Both had changed while abroad, both had reorganised their values and modifies their mindset.  As a result, back home, they felt like two fish out of water – misunderstood and uncomfortable.

The only positive aspect, apart from the fact that they were together and the long-distance period was over, was that Vasko and Annika both found good jobs and did not have to worry too much about boredom and financial matters.  Both sank into the routine of life.  Looking for an apartment to rent, moving boxes, buying kitchenware...  Both were becoming an ordinary married couple, who, instead of romantic messages, texted grocery lists to each other.  Both worked too hard, had lots of overtime and didn’t have a great deal of time or energy left over for pleasure.

At the same time, things were not too bad.  Vasko and Annika loved and supported each other.  Vasko knew that when he woke up at night, screaming, after dreaming of the guy in the white shirt and blue tie jumping, Annika would always be there to hold him tight and soothe him back to sleep.  Annika, too, knew that Vasko would always be there for her when she had a bad day and needed a shoulder to cry on.  They might not have been riding the crest of life’s wave at that moment, but they were together and determined to stay strong.

39

Aggressive knocks at Stefan's door woke him up.  It was too early for Stefan's clients to show up. All of them, just like Stefan, were sound asleep.

Knock-knock – Stefan moaned.

Knock-knock – Stefan threw his pillow in the direction of the door.

Knock-knock.

“Fuck off,” Stefan cried.

“Police, open up,” a male voice replied from the other side.

Stefan opened his eyes and looked around.  Then he pulled himself off the mattress, pulled his torn jeans on his naked body and went to the door.  When he opened it, he saw two policemen standing there.

“What's the matter?” Stefan asked.

“Stefan Hristovsky?” one of the policemen asked in return.

“Yes.  Is being called Stefan Hristovsky a crime?” Stefan answered.

“I wouldn't joke if I were in your shoes,” the policeman answered, and pushing Stefan aside he entered the room.  His partner followed him.

“We have a permit to search your apartment on the grounds that you are trading drugs in here,” the policemen explained.

Stefan looked at them with a blank look.  What was he supposed to say? He had enough heroin in his room to be put away for a long time.  There wasn't much he could do in that situation.

“Will you show us where you keep the drugs, or shall we search?” the other policeman asked.

“I would rather play getting warmer-getting colder with you.  At least that way we can all have a bit of fun,” Stefan smiled wearily.

The game did not last long. It took only two and a half minutes to find the stuff behind the books on the bookshelf.  Stefan still kept Annika's medical textbooks and they were the first thing that attracted the policemen's attention.  What happened next went very smoothly.  One of the policemen wrote out something on a paper and Stefan signed it.  After that they drove him to the police station.

A few weeks later, once he was already in prison, Stefan found out how he’d got there.  One of his clients was a really cute teenager.  Once she’d even stayed with him for the night, filling the lonely side of his bed.  After that she started coming to him more often.  Then, suddenly she stopped coming.  Stefan did not think of her then.  He did not even notice that she did not show up.  Maybe if he’d cared enough to talk to her, he would have found out that her father was a cop.

Stefan's drugs had destroyed the policeman's daughter and now the policeman was determined in turn to destroy Stefan's life.  The poor man did not even know that there was nothing left to destroy.  Stefan had done it all himself a long time before.  He, his drugs and Annika with that damn wedding ring had done it before the policeman had him arrested.

****

Drug experts say that the only way to overcome addiction is to stay away from the drug for a long period of time – for months, even for a year or longer.  That is the main principle on which rehabs are based: keeping junkies isolated and away from the outside world, away from temptation and away from the possibility of obtaining a fix.  In that sense, jail too can be a kind of rehab.  Much more cruel, much less friendly, but maybe more effective, just maybe… This was the only chance for Stefan of fighting the white powder.  In fact what happened was that no one even asked if he wanted to get cured or not.  He was either going to do it or else ... but actually there was no “or else”.

In short, taken overall, Stefan's life did not change much.  He just changed one room for another. Apart from the terrible fact that there would be no heroin for him there, the rest seemed to be fine.  At least at the beginning, before the craving really kicked in.

All Stefan could think about was heroin.  His body needed it desperately.  On top of the pain from disease, Stefan now also felt the sickness of craving.  Every bit of his body ached.  Stefan thought that someone was breaking every single bone in his body.  He felt weak and sick.  The thought that he was not going to get his fix drove him insane.  Hot sweats and cold chills were embracing him at the same time.  He was lying on the cold stone floor hugging his knees and moaning uncontrollably most of the time.  Stefan kept throwing up for days.  At some point he stopped even feeling human.

Doctors could do nothing for him anyway.  Stefan had been using heroin for so long that no painkiller would help.  There was nothing to be done.  Only endure and wait.  Unfortunately Stefan knew that he was not going to die, although he wished he would.

No one cared about him.  In the warders’ eyes he was just one more junkie who deserved his punishment.  He was yet another bastard no one wanted to deal with.  He only had the cell walls, which were closing in on him and making it hard to breathe.  The walls made him feel small and miserable, or maybe they simply showed him who he really was.

One day of agony was succeeded by another.  Stefan sweated, shook and puked for almost three weeks.  He went to hell, burnt there for weeks and half-dead came back to life again.  In those twenty days all he could think of was heroin – nothing else.  On the twenty-first day his memories woke up and for the first time he thought of Annika.  That was the first intimation of a possible recovery.

One month in prison and Stefan's mind started to clear.  It is difficult to tell which was worse – the sickness of craving or a clear mind.  Once there was no more apathy and withdrawal to hide behind, Stefan glimpsed reality and was horrified.  Only now did he begin to understand how much pain he had really caused.  He understood that although drugs were there for him to blame, the fact that he had become a drug addict was completely his own fault, since he was the one who had chosen to use the drugs.  By his own hand he had destroyed everything sacred and beautiful that his life had held.

Stefan replayed the events from his past over and over in his mind.  He relived all the happy and terrible moments.  The cell walls were no longer his enemies.  Now he was projecting his past onto them.  Looking at the walls he recalled his life and saw the scenes he wished he could forget.  No matter how hard he tried to forget, Annika's image kept coming to mind, causing fresh unbearable pain.  Now that heroin was no longer to hand, Annika had become his new addiction.  He was obsessed by her.  Every single waking minute, hour, day, week and month were spent with her in his thoughts.

40

“Hey, how are you?”  Flame was the only person who visited Stefan sometimes.

“Pretty shitty,” Stefan replied with a weary smile.

“So no different from when you were free, huh?” Flame joked.

“Yup, you could say that.”

“What would you like me to bring next time I come over?” Flame asked.

Last time Stefan had asked for his rock CDs and a player.  He had hoped that the music would distract him from his thoughts about Annika.  It did not work, of course.

“Maybe you could bring me a pack of A4 paper and some pens.  I think I’ll try to start writing songs again.”

Stefan was not sure he could do it but there was no harm in trying, he thought.

“Ok.  Take care then. Till next week” 

Flame left and Stefan lifted his heavy but weak body and took it back to his cell.