Highfall (17 page)

****

Flame parked the car near the church.  He opened the door and helped Annika out.  “Wonder why I felt a bit scared and uncomfortable around Flame before?  He seems okay,” Annika thought... “What a lucky bastard this Vasko is,” Flame thought at the same time.

They walked to the entrance where Stefan was waiting for Flame.  When Stefan looked in their direction and saw Annika, his jaw dropped and his breath stopped for a moment.  By no stretch of the imagination had he expected to see her.  Years had passed since he had last seen her with Vasko at the crossroads.  Numb, Stefan just stood there staring at Annika.  He could not move...

Annika saw Stefan standing in the churchyard looking at her.  Drugs had not yet taken away his good looks and, wearing the black suit, he looked stunning.  As soon as she saw him it dawned on Annika that facing Stefan would be far harder than she had at first thought.  She still felt him to be part of her life.  Looking at him, Annika did not see the miserable addict, only the charmer she had fallen in love with.  And that was extremely dangerous... it was in fact a bigger challenge than the bungee jump... than Amsterdam, than anything she had done before.

Flame and Annika reached Stefan.  Flame hugged him.  When the hug ended Annika said: “Hi.”  Stefan had no way of knowing what her real feelings were.  Before he had always understood her without words... now she was pronouncing a word, but he could not figure out what she felt.  The “hi” was so neutral that he could not understand what feelings lay behind it.  Did she hate him?  Did she still love him?  That “hi” could mean anything.  Stefan was at fever pitch and could not really figure things out in that state.  He lost control... but this time it was all on a much higher level than when heroin was flowing through his veins.

As if in order to humiliate him further, along with the lifeless “hi,” Annika held her hand out to him to shake hands.  “Is that what people who used to sleep with each other do after the break-up – shake hands?” Stefan thought.   “No, maybe only those where drugs and killing were involved,” he concluded.  He shook her hand.  They both felt the electricity.  They still felt the physical attraction but they both knew that it did not matter anymore.  It was life's little joke – letting you know what you can no longer have, because you had it before and you lost it back then.

Annika's presence hurt Stefan.  It hurt him more than his disease, more than the desire for a fix, more than any pain he had ever felt before.  Annika felt weak.  She felt as if her feet could no longer hold her up.  She felt unutterably sad and helpless.

There were not many people in the church, in fact only Monica’s parents and a very few of her friends.  The pastor did his best to paint Monica in the most favourable light possible.  Annika sat between Flame and Stefan and cried.  To her surprise Stefan cried too.  His tears were something she would never have expected at all.  Annika had failed to shake Stefan out of his apathy with the car crash but Monica managed to do it with her death.  Annika did not feel jealous, in fact she was glad.  She was glad that Stefan still had something human left inside him. Unconsciously she took his hand in hers.  Just like in Stefan's friend’s pub, but this time she was trying to protect his hand with hers.  Stefan's hand was shaking and Annika's hand was shaking on top of it.  Flame looked at them and then looked down at his own hands and sighed.

When Stefan felt Annika's hand on his, he almost jumped out of his seat.  Her soft skin felt just like before – when everything was right.  His tears fell harder.  Now he was not crying for Monica but for Annika.

****

It was almost evening.  All the traditional funeral ceremonies were over and everyone had headed home.  Annika, Flame and Stefan were standing in the street.  None of them knew what to do.  Stefan desperately wanted to stay alone with Annika.

“So what do we do now?” Fame asked, trying to make his tense voice sound as casual as possible.

“I have to talk to Annika,” Stefan announced firmly.

“Maybe she doesn't want to listen,” Flame confronted Stefan.

“By the way, I am standing right here in case neither of you had noticed,” Annika said in irritation.

“So?” both men asked with one voice.

The ball was in her court now and she had to decide.  Regardless of the dictates of common sense, Annika too wanted to be alone with Stefan.  She decided not to resist the impulse.

“I want to talk to him, Flame.  I think we both have a lot to say,” said Annika damp-eyed.  She hoped she wasn’t going to start crying again.

“Okay.  If you need me, just give me a call, okay?”  Flame kissed Annika's cheek.

Then he hugged Stefan.

“Try to hurt her again and I will kill you myself.  I promise,” Flame whispered in his ear.

Flame left.  Annika and Stefan stood in the middle of the pavement for a few minutes.  They looked at each other, but neither had the courage to say a word.  Each gazed into the other’s eyes, oblivious to everything else.

“Would you mind if we went and sat in the park?  I won't take up much of your time – promise,” Stefan finally announced.

Annika agreed.  Stefan took her hand and led her towards the nearby park.  His touch made her weak but Annika was determined to stay strong.  No matter how hard the past was trying to reclaim her, the present was not to be forgotten.  With absolute certainty Annika knew to whom she belonged.  She also knew that this was a natural reaction and that she would always love Stefan, but that it would henceforth be a different love.  It would be something more like caring deeply.  Annika would never be indifferent to how he was or to what was going on with him.

“Listen, I know I have said I’m sorry maybe more than a thousand times already by now – but it doesn't matter.  I AM really sorry.  To be honest, I don't even want you to forgive me because, even if you do, I will never be able to forgive myself anyway.  What is important to me is that you believe that I truly regret everything I’ve done.  You did not deserve even the smallest portion of what I did to you.   All I can do now is thank God.  I thank God that you are alive and that you left me.”

Annika arched an eyebrow.

“No,” Stefan smiled.  “That did not sound quite how I meant it to.  What I wanted to say was that, although I stopped living and just started existing the minute you left me, I am glad you did...for yourself.  You see what I mean?  I am relieved that you managed to save yourself from me.  Every time I shoot up I thank God that you were strong and did not become a hostage to drugs like me.   Maybe if you had, we would still be together now... but I am not such a jerk.  I know it is much better this way.”  Stefan pushed out of his eyes some of the long hair which had escaped from his ponytail.   He finally mustered all his courage and looked into Annika's eyes.

Annika was looking down at her hands, nervously rolling her wedding ring and crying.  Her tears were running down her cheeks and dropping on her ring.

Stefan was thunderstruck.  He was paralyzed.  It took some time to realise what the ring meant.  Now he knew that all his words were just empty words.  He wasn't glad...  He was mad.  He was hurt.  He was jealous...  And he definitely was not ready for this...

“When?” he barely whispered – as if it mattered.

“A few weeks ago,” Annika whispered back.

Stefan buried his face in his hands.  He was shaking uncontrollably.  There was no air to breathe. He felt like he was sinking... slowly but steadily and deeply.  This was the end...  He wished he was where Monica was now, wherever that was...

Annika did not resist temptation and hugged Stefan.  He was shaking in her arms.  It was the most humiliating thing that had happened to him in his life but he was too weak to care.  This was the point when he lost absolutely everything.  This was the point when the
“there is still hope for you”
which Monica had written, ceased to be valid.

It took him quite a while to regain his composure.  He raised his head and looked at her with wet eyes.

“Please don't forget that I really loved you and will do so all my life.  I want you to be happy!  Please be happy for both of us, because I can't any longer!”

Annika looked at him, sensing every single word.  She was absolutely certain that he was being honest.  It was amazing, but after all this time they could still feel each other and did not need words in order to understand what the other meant.

“At least this time we were able to talk like mature people,” Annika smiled through her tears.

“No,” Stefan smiled back.  “People, who are madly in love can never be mature – and especially not drug addicts,” he added bitterly, bringing them back to reality.

“Have you ever considered rehab?” Annika asked, although she knew the answer.

“Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t.  You will never know for sure.  And now, with that thing on your finger,” he directed his look to her ring, “it makes absolutely no sense.  What for?”

Annika knew what he meant.  She could imagine how he felt and knew that if she were in his shoes she would feel the same.  Yeah, an interesting question – What for?  Annika knew that she could not find anything in Stefan's life worth giving up the heroin for.  They both agreed about that.

So now it was officially and totally over!

35

Annika went back to Vasko that night.  She was glad that she had been to Monica's funeral.  Now she could think about the past in a calmer way and accepted the fact that she would probably never forget Stefan.  He would always be part of her.

Annika realised that no matter what, people who once touch your soul have a place in your memories.  It didn’t matter what happened later, it didn’t matter if the person moved out of your life because of the choice you made, or the choice he made, or because of what life decided.  It didn’t matter if you were deeply disappointed in him or thought of him for long years to come.  She recognised that once a person gets to the sacred place called your soul, then you can never be indifferent towards them under any circumstances.

Annika's heart ached.  The state Stefan was in hurt her.  She went through hell the day she found him in bed with Monica.  But she was strong enough to come back to life.  As for Stefan, she had a feeling that he was going through hell every day without even knowing the way back...  It was a very sad realisation.  But Annika accepted that too...  And – an even harder thing to do – she accepted the fact that it was totally out of her hands.

Now it was time to get back to the one she had chosen and make plans together.  The coach took her back to where she belonged.

Vasko was waiting for her at the coach station.  He looked tired.  Annika could see that he had not slept well the night before.  She knew he was worried about her.  She also knew how hard it must have been for Vasko not to call her.

Annika hugged him tight.

“I love you,” she whispered in his ear.

Vasko smiled, looked up to heaven and thanked God!

****

Once more Annika was flying on her own.  She was of course catching up on her reading as was her wont.  This was the last time she and Vasko were to part.

It had been difficult to decide upon the plans for their future life.  Neither wanted to go back to their homeland.  Vasko could not sacrifice his job, so moving to Amsterdam was not an option.  As for Annika, by now she had understood that it was not being in a particular place which brought happiness but rather being with a particular person.  So she had agreed to move to the USA.  Now they had to deal with the logistics.

Annika needed some time to arrange such things as her resignation and apartment.  Vasko needed some time to find them a bigger apartment and move.  He also needed to deal with the visa and paperwork matters for Annika.  In short they were going to live their last long-distance eight weeks.

At least that’s what they planned.  But we all know that life has its own plans…

****

Annika poured herself a cup of tea and sat on the couch.  She turned on the television.  Her colleagues were so appalled at the fact that she was living without television that they had bought her a small one on her birthday so she could get closer to “civilization”.

Annika stood up suddenly and put her hand to her mouth as she saw the New York twin towers on fire and the breaking news report on how bad everything was.  It was unbelievable.  With her heart in her throat she picked up her mobile and dialled Vasko’s number.  “The person you are calling has their phone switched off or is out of coverage area….,” was the message she heard.  No matter how many times she redialled, that was all she heard.

The Euro Brokers office was on the 84th floor of the Southern Tower.  That was very close to where the plane hit the building, but Annika only found that out much later.  Now all she could think about was the fact that it was the middle of a working day, that the plane crash was pretty close to the Euro Brokers’ office floor and that Vasko was there.

Annika felt as if her lungs were going to burst.  She was trembling.  Frantically she called Vasko over and over again.  The tears that filled her eyes blurred her vision.  This was a nightmare.

She went to the kitchen and tried with trembling hands to drink a few sips of water.  Of course that did not help at all.  She went back to the living room and paced its length, from one end to the other.  Too many thoughts were racing through her mind.  Annika could not hear what the voice of the CNN reporter was saying.  All she could do was watch what was going on behind her.  The images said more than any words.  CNN repeatedly replayed the footage of the planes crashing into the building.  Each time, Annika felt sick.

She tried to listen to her inner voice and tap into her intuition.  People who love each other should feel these things, right?  Then why could Annika not feel anything?  Why could she not feel whether Vasko was all right or not?  The panic gripped her tighter.  Vasko… no Vasko… please… God … Her mind raced and different strains of irrational panic invaded her mind.

Annika tried to imagine where Vasko might be, and how.  Was he alive?  Was he scared?  Had he run down the stairs when he realised what had happened?  Was it at all possible to realise what was happening if you were inside? she wondered.  Even watching the videos it all seemed quite unbelievable.

Would Vasko risk his life in order to save a colleague, or someone with whom he’d taken the lift that morning, or maybe even someone he had never seen before?  Annika shivered.

Positive thinking!  Positive thinking!  Everything is going to be okay.  Vasko is fine.  He is somewhere outside next to an emergency vehicle with a blanket over his shoulders, drinking warm tea and thinking of her.  It is perfectly natural that the mobile network is down.  It will be fixed in a few hours’ time and Vasko will call her.  Things can’t end like that.  They had plans, they had a whole life ahead, and they wanted to do so many things together…  Life cannot be so unfair… Oh God!

Annika sank to her knees and started praying.  She recited the only prayer that her grandma had taught her when they used to go to church together.  Annika closed her eyes and concentrated on each single word.  When she had finished she felt somewhat calmer.

Annika waited impatiently for a call, but at the same she was terribly afraid of what she would hear when the phone rang.  What if it were not Vasko calling?  What if … No, No, No…