His Wounded Light (27 page)

“You sure? I don’t want you to be here alone.”

“I’m not alone.” I nod my head in Lucas’ direction. “Just one more drink and I’ll head out.”

“Okay. Call me when you get home.” She gives me a kiss and slings her purse over her shoulder. “Nice to meet you, Lucas.”

“She had to go home, her husband just arrived from an out of town trip,” I explain. We have to move in closer to hear each other through the loud music.

“Do you have to go home too?” he asks with a tinge of disappointment in his voice.

“Soon.”

We sit in silence for a while; I feel poised enough not to force a conversation. I survey the crowd in front of me and decide that this truly isn’t my scene. As I’m contemplating an excuse to get up and leave, the room goes dark and the band starts to play “This Year’s Love.”

“I love this song. Would you like to dance with me?” Lucas asks tentatively.

Alex and I loved this song too.

“Sure,” I answer.

He takes my hand and leads me to the dance floor. I don’t know how it happens, but as soon as we touch, he brings his lips to mine and kisses me. I don’t pull away; I let him take the lead and I follow willingly. Maybe it’s the song. Maybe it’s the drinks. For whatever it’s worth, his lips feel new and I feel beautiful. I’m young again and what feels like an eternity of sadness on my shoulders are fading away. I think this should be the new me. Total strangers, no strings. Whoever said that love is overrated is absolutely right.

“What do you say we go somewhere a little bit quieter?” he whispers directly in my ear as his hand lightly caresses the small of my back.

“Okay.” I pull away from him and walk to our table to retrieve my purse.

He leaves some cash on the table and guides me out the door to his car. We walk through a long and narrow dimly lit alley in silence. He stops for a moment to take me in his arms and kiss me. The kiss turns hungry and frantic but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get lost in the moment. I push him off me as soon as I hear footsteps coming towards us. “Lucas? Lucas Martinez?” It’s so dark that I don’t recognize the face at first, but as it comes into full view, I know him.

“Jesse Cain? What are you doing here?”

“Lucas, man, what are you doing with her? Don’t you know she’s married?”

“You know each other?” I ask, surprised. “And by the way, I’m not married,” I say defiantly.

Jesse looks at me and shakes his head as if he can’t believe what he just heard, his eyes getting wider by the second. “We went to grad school together,” Jesse answers sharply. “Lucas, I’d leave right now if I were you.”

Lucas looks at us, first at me then at Jesse. “Isabel, you’re beautiful, but I’m not getting in the middle of this.” He points his finger between us and waves it back and forth. “It was very nice to meet you.” He hands me a business card. “Please call me if you’d like to get together some other time.”

A few seconds later, all we can hear is the sound of Lucas’ quick footsteps on the gravel road fading away. For a brief instance, I feel cheap, guilty.

“Isabel, what do you think you were doing just now?” Jesse asks sternly.

“I was exerting my newly found freedom. Isn’t it just great?” I start to walk away from him, more uncomfortable than angry.

He grabs my arm and turns me around to face him. “You were going to sleep with a stranger tonight. From what I can remember, this is completely out of character for you.”

“How is that your business?”

“I don’t want you to get hurt.” He steps towards me and I back away.

“Let me through, Jesse. I want to go home.”

“Talk to me, Iss. Why would you do something like this?”

“Oh my God? Seriously? Do you even know what I’ve been through in the past few months? I’m so angry right now I don’t even know what to say. Just let me go!” I try to shove him out of my way and when that doesn’t work, I pound on his chest and cry.

He takes my flailing arms and pins them under his, pulling me flush against his front. Lucas’ business card falls down to the ground, unnoticed. “Take your anger out on me, Iss, he whispers against my hair. “I’m here. I’m here for you.”

The ground underneath me feels unsteady and my mind is nothing but a cesspool of recklessness and despondency and despair. I have an urgent need to cleanse myself of him. To hurt him as much as he hurt me.

This. This will do it.

“Fuck me, Jesse.” I look him bravely in the eye and he stares back at me in shock.

The last two things inside me were Alex and Sophie. They need to be replaced with something temporary and transient, easily disposable to guard against future heartache.

My words strike him like a bolt of lightning. I know this because he takes an involuntary step backwards, as if he’s lost his footing. “Iss, you don’t know what you’re saying. Let me take you home.”

“What’s the matter, Mr. Popular? Afraid to be seen alone with a woman in a dark and dirty alley?” I spit out, posing a challenge. Jesse never backs down from one; this much I know about the man I used to love.

“No. That’s ridiculous.”

I turn around and lay my palm on the brick wall with one hand. I use the other hand to lift my dress up. I cup his front and rub my back against him. “I said,
fuck me
.”

I don’t have to tell him twice. I hear him unbutton his pants and pull down his zipper. He loops one arm around my front and squeezes my breast, holding me firmly in place and entering me roughly from behind. I let out a cry at the onslaught of his body lunging into me again and again and again. It dawns on me, after a moment, just how big he is. I don’t even remember that. Alex has erased every single memory of him. We move silently in the twilight, his hands kneading me ferociously and his mouth on my neck. The assault on my body feels good. I try my best not to let go, to suppress any bit of sound to make sure I don’t show him any hint of pleasure. I feel one more big push followed by some shaking and trembling and I know that he is done. I slip him out of me with calm detachment, adjust my underwear, straighten up my dress, comb my hair in place, and start to walk away. The only thing I want to do is wash away the filth I feel inside. He’s still catching his breath, surprised that I’ve left him so abruptly.

I don’t turn around to look at him but I make sure that he senses the venom in my voice. “Stay away from me and mind your own business. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

***

“Hope is a good breakfast but it is a bad supper.”

—Francis Bacon

I’m knocked back into consciousness the next day by a ringing sound that continues despite the heavy slap of my hand on the alarm clock’s snooze button. It takes me a few seconds to realize that it’s my cell phone.

“Hello?” I haven’t found my voice yet so it’s more a breath than a sound that transfers through the phone lines.

“Isa! What happened last night? What time did you get home?”

“Ugh. Hi, Eves. Long story. I’m actually still sleeping. Can I call you back later?”

“Just tell me. Did anything exciting happen with that Lucas guy? I’m dying to know!”

“Not really. As I said, long story. I’ll call you later.” I hang up the phone before she can respond. I haven’t even opened my eyes.

I’m just about to drift back to sleep when this time, it’s the doorbell that chimes incessantly. I pull on my robe and reluctantly trudge towards my front door. Here he is. Standing right in front of me.

He walks right in, no greeting, no small talk. He’s wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. Something I haven’t seen him wear in years. The sight of him becomes familiar; he looks the same as he did years ago. Picture perfect even in casual clothes. His posture is stiff and his jaw is clenched; one hand is in his pocket and the other is holding his car keys. “Did you really think that you could walk away from me after what happened last night?” he demands.

I shut the door and follow him in. He takes a seat on the couch and I sit on the one across from him. I can’t believe this is happening.

“How did you get upstairs?”

“The doorman used to work for one of my companies.” His eyes are creased to the sides; they’re smiling at me.

“Geez. Is there something or someone here that you either don’t own or don’t know?”

He ignores my comment. I’ve forgotten how gray his eyes are. Today, they’re soft and gentle and full of longing. I can see the purity of a person’s soul through his eyes. More often than not it’s a gift, sometimes it can become a curse.

“Iss. What happened last night?”

“Nothing. Last night was nothing.”
I needed a release and you were there to give it to me.

“I called off my engagement. I need to sort this out.”

“What? That’s outrageous! Jesse! Go on with your life! I’m not going to ever be a part of it. You and I are only going to be friends, if that.” I stand up defensively and pace around the room.

He follows me with his eyes, but remains seated. “It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Look, we’re not kids in high school or college anymore. We’re adults. What happened last night was a moment of weakness on our parts. On mine. I’m sorry I put you through that, but we can move on. No one will know. You finally have someone who loves you and you’re just about to start a family. Move on from this.”

He jerks his head upwards and looks at me angrily, then takes a few steps over and sits on the ottoman right in front of me. “So, what’s next Iss?” he hisses, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Now that you’ve gotten him out of your system, are you just going to flit from man to man, leaving a trail of devastation in your wake?”

My hand automatically flies up to slap him on the face. He’s so solid and strong that he doesn’t even flinch. “Get out,” I manage to say before I bury my face in my hands and sob. My legs give out and I sink to the floor, exhausted and drained.

He scoots himself to the edge of his seat and pulls me in to him. My head is resting on his shoulder and his arms are around my back. Our bodies aren’t touching. There’s a space between us, an appropriate one.

I’m not sure whether he can make out what I’m saying since I’m hiding under the tip of his shirt collar as I ramble on. “You don’t know how it feels to lose your husband and child in one day and then hold it together for your family. Sometimes I wish I could just let it swallow me. I want to lash out, hurt him, hurt myself. I’m trying so hard to deal with everything alone!”

He rocks me back and forth, his shirt damp with my tears, and tips my chin up so he’s looking into my eyes. “Shh. It’s okay. First of all, you’re not alone. You have your sisters, your best friend. You have me. I’m here. As a friend. As whatever. Second, the bastard still really loves you. In his sick, misguided way, he thought he was doing this for you. I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I’m worried you’re going to spiral out of control if you don’t talk to anyone about your feelings.”

Did he just say what I heard him say?

I wipe my eyes with my hands and look up at him, confounded.

He knows what I want to ask him, so he continues, “Yes, Alex did come to see me a few weeks ago to tell me that he was divorcing you for your own good.”

“Why would he do that? Why would he give me away?” I start to sob again, this time making no effort to conceal my dismay at being treated like an item that can be bartered, an object to be traded.

“Iss, please, please don’t cry. My point is that he loves you enough to make a fool of himself and approach me about it.” A tiny smile forms on his lips. “Me. His mortal enemy.”

I pull away from him, wanting to understand. “What did you say to him? Tell me. Tell me what you talked about. Please don’t leave anything out.”

***