His Wounded Light (41 page)

He bobs his head up and down in agreement, and for the first time during our entire exchange, his eyes meet mine. The tension in the room suddenly dissipates; he won her heart fair and square.

“Congratulations on your engagement, man. I’m happy that you finally have what you’re looking for.”

“I do. I’m going to spend a few years catching up with what you already have.”

He smiles at that statement. “I’ve loved her and only her for almost twenty years.”

I laugh at that; sarcastically, of course, but I laugh. “There’s a bit of an overlap in your number of years there, dude.” An awkward silence follows and then I say what I know he wants to hear from me today. “You had her years ago. The fight for her love is over. Give her what she’s only ever wanted. Give her yourself, imperfect as you are. She just wants to love you.”

“I can’t imagine my life without her.” He looks down at his desk and fidgets with his hands before he offers the right one to me and we shake on it. “I want to thank you for coming here today and wish you luck in everything you do. Your concern for me and my family is sincerely appreciated.”

The formality is back. I know he’s struggling to keep it all intact, trying his hardest not to show his true emotions. Once again, I only know this because I’ve been there.

I return his handshake and stand up to leave. “See you around, Ailey.”

“See you around.”

I don’t hear from Isabel until a month after she arrives from her trip. Her sisters had let me know that Alex had gone to Paris to take her home, so I was just waiting for the call. The Isabel on the phone that day was the Isabel I had loved long ago. Her voice was the childlike one I remembered, with a lilt in her tone and the happy disposition in her voice—I knew right there and then that once again, her world was complete. The one thing that I will always remember about this amazing woman is her capacity for forgiveness. No amount of pain in her life will ever change her selflessness. I feel blessed that she bestowed that gift upon me so many times during our days together.

I don’t think about that part of my life anymore. Like a faded memory, I know that they have molded me and helped me to become who I currently am. And I’m grateful for them. I’m thankful for the fact that as I stand here waiting, I can think of nothing else but what lies ahead for me tomorrow.

I rushed over to see Rose the day that Isabel and I arrived back from the mountains. She was sitting at her desk in the apartment, working on some lesson plans. I paused to catch my breath as I stood by the door, knowing what I wanted to do next. As she sat with her back towards me, she was startled by the sound of my footsteps approaching her.

“Jesse. What are you doing here?” she asked, her face a picture of pure surprise. “Aren’t you supposed to be away with your girlfriend?”

“Rose,” I said as I knelt down on ground so that we were at eye level, “can we talk?”

“What about? That you’re moving in with her?” Her movements were jittery. She closed her eyes as she waited anxiously for my remark.

“No, Rose. Please, let me explain.” I lightly brushed my thumbs across her cheeks.

“What? I don’t understand. What happened?”

“We tried. We tried to get back what I thought we had, but my heart reminded me that there was no longer any room in it. You have filled it, Rose.
You
are the one. I don’t want to be with anyone else but you.”

She looked away as tears formed in her eyes. “That’s not good enough for me, Jesse. You left me for her. I will not be an afterthought.”

“Oh, Rose. Please hear me out.”

She takes a deep breath and shakes her head, but I decide to continue while I still have her attention.

“I have lived the past twelve years in the cloud of what might have been. Meeting you has pulled me out of that haze and taken me to a place where love is light and happy and fulfilling. When Alex Ailey left her, I thought about all of the chances that I may have missed to try to get her back. I was obsessed with proving it to myself and I selfishly hurt you because of it. I’ve been on the receiving end of this before, Rose, so I know how it feels. When Isabel knew that it was Alex she loved, there was no turning back for her. I’m at that same point today. I love you. Only you.”

“Did you sleep with her?” she asked me shakily.

I knew it would be over once she heard what I had to say. She deserved nothing more than to hear the truth from me. “Yes.”

Her face tightened and she closed her eyes and leaned away from me. I didn’t stop her this time. I had made my bed and I needed to accept the consequence of what I had done. I slowly stepped back and held her gaze for a long moment before turning around to walk out the door.

“I’m very sorry for hurting you, Rose. I don’t have a right to even the smallest part of your heart.” All I heard was the sound of the floor creaking as I made my way out of her life.

“Jesse,” she muttered quietly. “Jesse.” She cleared her throat and repeated herself a third time. “Jesse!”

My heart was filled with hope. I turned around to see her crying.

“What did sleeping with her accomplish if you say that you knew it was me?”

“Everything, Rose. It completed the journey that I needed to take. It ended years of yearning, of loss, of wishing and regretting. There was nothing there at the end of that road. But I had to walk that course to find you. I see only your face when I look beyond today. I see you.”

She continued to cry, abruptly moving closer to me; I was hopeful that she had seen what I was trying to show her. “Why do I believe you?” she murmured through her tears. “Why do I want to give you another chance?”

“Because you know me well enough to understand that I haven’t said these words to anyone else after her. Rose, please listen to me. When I met you, I didn’t realize that my heart had moved on despite the fact that my head was stuck in the past. I promise to use my heart from now on. I promise to love you more than I have ever loved anyone else. You have me, all of me. Marry me, Rose. I love you.”

I nervously reached into my pocket and pulled out the little white box that held my future. She remained standing in front of me, her eyes smiling through the rush of tears that still kept coming.

I sank one knee down on the floor and offered her my life.

It’s a beautiful, sunny afternoon, one I’m told is a rarity in this place and at this time of the year. The green grass and the luscious foliage provide the most stunning backdrop for such a beautiful occasion. And here I am, thinking about the year that has come and gone and remembering only the parts that include my future.

We’re here at Lumley Castle in Durham County, the town where Rose grew up before she found herself traveling the world. I had to call a few favors in to secure this venue within such short notice, but thankfully, the entire hotel is ours for the weekend. The place is filled with people I don’t even know, family I’ve never met, and relatives who don’t know anything about me. And yet as I look at each and every one of their faces, I feel the indisputable warmth and welcome that radiates from their hearts.

The music starts to play and I turn to seek the familiar faces of my life. My mother’s eyes fill with tears while she silently nods at me, and I watch intently as the procession begins. We’re in the castle’s inner courtyard, surrounded by trees and flowers and magnificently sculpted hedges, and I’m standing in the middle of the brick laid foyer with Ryan and my brothers by my side. My sisters look so grown up as they walk towards me on the arms of strangers. I see children and couples and generations pass in front of me. My heart beats wildly as I behold a vision alight through the entrance with an older gentleman by her side—my life. My bride. She smiles at me and I am brought back to the time when I first met her. When I first touched her. When I knew that she would be the one to erase all my bitterness.

My heart was set free the day she came to me.

Their walk towards me is slow and excruciating; I can hardly stand still. I panic at the thought of letting another minute go by without her by my side. I elicit a few gasps as I impulsively leave my assigned place and make my way past the groomsmen, running down the steps to meet her halfway.

“Jesse?” She looks at me with worried eyes. “What’s the matter?”

Her father takes a defensive stance, almost as if he’s preparing to shield his daughter with his arms. The crowd has gone completely silent as the guests remain standing, waiting for the drama to commence.

“Nothing,” I say emphatically and loud enough for at least her father to hear us. “I just want to make sure that no one stops you on your way to me tonight.”

She laughs out loud, that joyous, hearty laugh that has filled my heart for all these months.

“I’ve waited long enough,” I tell her as I shake her father’s hand and then affectionately reach out to touch her face. “Please don’t make me wait much longer.”

Her face breaks out into a dazzling smile and she slips her hand in mine. “No more wasted time, Jesse. Let’s get going, because I can’t wait to be your wife.”

***

Five months later, here we are again. Another book, another voyage. This time it wasn’t as lonely. This time I didn’t write in isolation. I had so many of you right next to me, holding my hand every step of the way. Your presence in my life gave me the confidence that I needed to conclude Jesse, Alex and Isa’s story. You have made all the difference in my life. I hope you stay long after the last page of this book has been turned and all the hype has died down.