Hold Me Close (2 page)

“That was part of it. I’m worried about you, Mom.”

“I told you, no need.” She pressed her lips so tightly, the pink line of lipstick disappeared.

“I needed to come home. I had a great time in Ireland, but it’s time to move on. I need to start making a life for myself. Figure out who I am and what I want.”

Her mother gave her one sharp nod in response.

“I’m going to go unpack.”

“I’ll make dinner.”

Maggie tried not to roll her eyes. She knew her mom would be on the phone as soon as Maggie’s foot hit the bottom step to go up to her old bedroom. “Can you tell them to give me a day before they descend?”

Her mom didn’t answer, and Maggie knew she didn’t have a chance. She lugged her suitcase upstairs and stood in the middle of her bedroom, the same bedroom she’d shared with Moira for years. Many of her things were still there, but there was no sign of Moira.

She tossed her bag on the bed and sat beside it. Would she want to live alone? Sure, she’d done it briefly. But even that hadn’t been really living alone. She’d lived in an apartment above the bar. Her brothers worked downstairs. She always had family around.

Was that a good thing? Or bad? She made a mental note to add that to the list of questions to talk to Dr. Janzen about. She got up and started putting away her clothes. Everything was exactly where she’d left it. It was as if no one had stepped foot in the room since she left a year and half ago.

As much as things didn’t change here, so many others had. At Christmas, she’d been surrounded by her brothers and sister who had all fallen in love. She felt as if she’d missed out on something. It felt like waking from a dream, feeling like she was the same person but she’d time traveled. Everyone else was different.

It was another reason she was glad she’d seen Shane first. He was the same old Shane he’d always been. She liked being able to count on some things.

Just like when she heard a loud noise downstairs, she knew her big sister had come over. Knowing Moira, she beat everyone else there. Moments later, pounding on steps let her know Moira was too impatient to wait for her to come down.

“Maggie!” she screamed from the doorway. She squeezed her in a tight hug. When she let go, Moira tried for an angry look, but Maggie wasn’t buying it. “Why didn’t you tell us you were coming home?”

“Because I didn’t want anyone making a big deal out of it.”

Moira crossed her arms, which pushed her big boobs up, emphasizing them even more. Maggie wished she had a little more in that department. Moira had gotten more than her fair share. “So why are you home?”

“Why is everyone so suspicious? I’ve been gone for over a year. I figured you’d all be happy I came back.”

“We are. But you always seemed happy when we talked. Did something happen?”

“No. Except Mom having a heart attack. That was a wake-up call. She’s not going to be here forever.” Maggie paused and debated how much she should tell Moira.

Moira threw her arms around Maggie again. “I’m so glad you’re home. I missed you and I don’t really care why you decided to come back as long as you’re happy.”

“I’m getting there. I’m at least trying.”

“I’m here if you want to talk.”

“Not yet. But soon.” Maggie pulled away. “So how long do I have until everyone else shows up?”

Moira wrinkled up her nose. “Ryan and Quinn are on their way. So are Colin and Liam.”

Maggie rolled her eyes. So much for having a day.

Moira nudged her shoulder. “At least Michael’s on at the fire house, so he won’t be coming.”

“Whatever. You know this means Mom’s cooking for everyone. You can do the dishes.”

Hooking her arm though Maggie’s, Moira turned them toward the stairs. “Only if you help.”

As much as she wanted to be irritated, Maggie couldn’t be. It felt too good to be home. Knowing that it was real, not just a brief holiday visit, but really digging back in at home with her family was nice. Traveling had been a great adventure, but it couldn’t top the stability of her family.

She followed Moira down the narrow, winding steps and wondered how many trips she’d made up and down this staircase. The scarred wood and smudged wall looked the same as it had her entire life.

They reflected how she felt. Damaged, but comfortable.

Two days later, Shane walked into O’Leary’s Pub. Unlike Maggie, he’d been to the bar since her rape. He’d worked there for a few months after, but he’d felt like such a failure that he couldn’t continue. He just hoped Ryan wouldn’t hold it against him.

He didn’t recognize the woman behind the bar; it wasn’t Mary, who’d been the manager for years. He waited to get her attention. “Is Ryan here?”

“Yep. He’s in his office. Want me to get him?”

“No. I know the way. We’re friends.” Calling Ryan a friend was a bit of a stretch, but it kept things simple. He walked through the main bar, where a few people were eating lunch. Just past the back room, he entered the dark hallway that led to the office and the bathrooms. As he raised his hand to knock on the office door, he eyed the metal door at the end of the hall. It led to the alley and the back stairs to the apartments above the bar. The apartment where Maggie had been raped.

He couldn’t afford to think about that right now. He knocked and waited for Ryan to call out.

“Come in.”

Shane opened the door and strode through before closing it behind him. “Hey, Ryan.”

At the sound of his voice, Ryan’s head shot up from where he’d been staring at his computer screen. For a moment, Shane thought Ryan didn’t remember him, but they’d seen each other briefly at Christmas.

“Shane? What are you doing here?”

He walked forward and pointed to the chair in front of the desk. Ryan nodded and Shane sat. “I need to talk to you about Maggie. Have you talked to her yet?”

“I saw her the other night, caught up about the usual stuff. Why?”

He let out a little sigh, grateful that Maggie had kept her word and waited to talk to Ryan. The question now became whether he should tell Ryan what Maggie’s plans were or if he should just ask for a job. He scrubbed a hand over his head.

“I’m going to tell you something about Maggie, but you can’t say anything to her. She plans to talk to you, but . . . shit. I’d like my job back.”

“You want to be a bouncer again? I thought you were working with your dad.”

“I am. I’d like to work nights.”

“I don’t have a spot right now. What does that have to do with Maggie?”

Damn. He had no idea how to keep Maggie’s secret and still get what he wanted. “Maggie is going to ask you to hire her. To work here.”

Ryan froze. “What? Why?”

Shane shoved out of the chair. “I don’t really understand. Something about facing her fears and getting her life back.” He spoke to the wall instead of facing Ryan. “I want my job back so I can be here for her.”

Ryan didn’t respond. Shane turned back and looked at Maggie’s brother. The news he’d delivered seemed to age the man. For as much guilt as Shane carried because of what had happened to Maggie, he knew Ryan felt it deeper. Maggie was his baby sister, and it had happened in his bar.

“I’ll have to hire her, won’t I?”

“I don’t think she’ll take no for an answer. You know Maggie. When she gets an idea in her head . . .”

“Fuck. There has to be a way to talk her out of this.” Ryan rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t have an opening for a bouncer.”

Shane dug in his pocket and pulled out a twenty. “Then I’d like to buy a couple of O’Leary’s T-shirts. I’ll be here every night she works. I’d prefer if she believes I’m working instead of watching her.”

“You’re serious. You’re going to give up all of your free time to pretend to work for me? For free?”

“She thinks this will be easy. I don’t want her doing it alone.”

“Put your money away. I’ll give you the shirts. If I have an opening, the spot’s yours.”

Shane shoved the bill back into his pocket. “One more thing.”

Ryan’s eyebrows rose.

“Do you have any apartments free upstairs?”

“One. Why?”

“Crap. Maggie’s going to want it.”

Ryan paled. The man looked like he might throw up.

Shane’s heart stuttered. “Fuck. Please tell me it’s not the one she had before.”

“No.”

Maybe it would’ve been better if it had been. No way would she ask for that apartment. “What is it then?”

Ryan scrubbed his face with both hands, looking wearier than a man in his thirties. “I’m going to tell you something, but you can’t say anything to Maggie. I haven’t told her yet.”

More secrets? He wasn’t built for this. He nodded.

“Just after the holidays, a letter came to my mom’s house to notify Maggie that Todd is getting out of jail.”

“What?”

“He served his time.”

“Why the hell haven’t you told her? It’s been months.”

“She was still worried about our mom. And she was in Ireland. He wouldn’t be able to touch her there. Since she’s been back, I haven’t found the right time.” His face was pinched, like he knew he’d screwed up.

“You need to find the time, right or not.”

“What the hell is she thinking?” Ryan asked. “Why here?”

“I’ll let her explain it to you. I tried to convince her that we should get a place together as roommates, but she wasn’t interested.” Shane sank back into the chair, feeling as nauseated as Ryan looked. “I’m afraid for her,” he admitted quietly. “Especially now that I know Todd is getting out.”

“You’re looking for a new apartment?”

Shane nodded.

“I have another apartment. It hasn’t been remodeled yet. I got sidetracked with having a baby. If you don’t mind living on a job site, it’s yours.”

“How much work does it need?”

“It’s gutted. The bathroom is mostly done.”

“How much for rent?”

“You do the remaining work while you’re living there, you can have it free. We’ll revisit rent when you finish. Besides, I’ll feel better with you here in case Todd contacts her. This would be the first place he’d look.”

Shane thought about it. How much time would he have to handle a remodel between working with his dad and pretending to work at the bar? But he’d be close to Maggie. Nothing else mattered. “Deal.” He extended his hand to Ryan. They shook, and Shane stood to leave. His lunch hour was almost over and his dad would be looking for him.

As he opened the door to leave, Shane turned back. “This is just between us, right? The reason for me being here. You know she’ll go apeshit if she knows.”

“Yeah, I know. When will you move in?”

“In a day or two. I should be here before she moves in.”

Ryan rose and came around the desk. “If you have a couple of minutes, I’ll grab the keys for you now. Then you can move in whenever you want.”

Shane checked the time. “Sure.” While Ryan opened a drawer in a long credenza, Shane sent a text to his dad letting him know he’d be back soon.

Ryan pulled out a ring of keys and flipped through them. He found the right ones and handed them to Shane.

“Thanks,” Shane said as he pocketed the key.

“Thank you. For everything. It means a lot that you look out for her.”

Shane nodded and left. Of course he looked out for Maggie. He’d failed her once. He wouldn’t let anything happen to her again.

CHAPTER 2

S
hane managed to finish the rest of his workday without spending too much time thinking about Maggie. He’d already talked to his roommate, Joe, to let him know that he’d found a place. Grateful that things aligned in his favor for a change, Shane packed up his tools and looked at his dad. He’d need to tell him what was going on.

“Hey, Dad. Buy you a beer?”

“I wouldn’t turn one down. Where to?”

“Mulligan’s is right down the street,” Shane said, knowing the bar often had blue-collar workers filling the place in the late afternoon.

“Meet you there.”

Shane lugged his bucket of tools out of the apartment complex they were remodeling. At least this job prepared him for living above O’Leary’s. More of the same day in and day out. Unfortunately, now there would be no escape.

He beat his dad to the bar, so he grabbed a table and ordered a couple of beers. His dad found him before he was halfway done with his draft. Without saying a word, Dad took a big gulp of the brew.

“So what’s the occasion?”

“Maggie’s home.”

“Good. Bet that makes you happy.” Another drink.

“The thing is, she’s got this idea that she wants to work at O’Leary’s and live above the bar.”

“Isn’t that where—”

“Yeah,” Shane answered. “It’s complicated. During lunch today, I went to see Ryan O’Leary to ask him about working there again.”

His dad’s eyebrows slammed down, but Shane continued. “I’ll still work with you, but I’ll be at O’Leary’s on the nights she works. And I’m moving in above the bar. They have one more apartment that needs to be fixed up. I live rent free if I do the work.”

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” His father’s voice was low and stiff.

“Because I need to know she’s okay. She won’t lean on her family when she freaks out. And I’m fairly certain she will. She’ll need someone to be there for her.” He finally took another drink of beer to wet his quickly drying throat. He’d never spoken to his dad about his feelings for Maggie. Everyone knew they were best friends, and he’d always left it at that.

His dad shook his head.

“It’s the right thing to do, Dad.”

“And what happens when the police department calls you up?”

Shane hadn’t even thought about that. He’d taken the test over a year ago and hadn’t been called for training. He shrugged. “I’ll cross that bridge when it comes. If it happens. Right now, this is what I need.”

“How does she feel about you playing bodyguard?”

Shane laughed. “She doesn’t know.”

His dad shook his head again. “Don’t you think she’ll get suspicious when you keep popping up wherever she is?”

“Don’t care.”

“You’re playing with fire with that one, kid. I remember her temper.”

Shane smiled. His dad had known Maggie for years, and his assessment was accurate. “I’ll take my chances.”

His dad sobered. “No joke. What will you do if she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you?”

“That’s not possible. She’s my best friend. She knows I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.” He drained his glass. He knew Maggie. There was very little he could do that would send Maggie running from him. They’d been through too much together, knew each other too well.

“I hope you’re right.”

Maggie walked into Dr. Janzen’s outer office as she had hundreds of times. She had no idea how hard it would be to come home. She’d assumed she’d be able to slide right back into her life like nothing had changed. Even now, she wasn’t sure what changed or how they changed.

She bit her lip against a smile. That was why she needed to see Dr. Janzen.

Dr. Janzen’s door was closed, but no I
N
S
ESSION
sign hung, so Maggie knocked. No one answered, so she took a seat to wait.

Moments later, Dr. Janzen came in through the office carrying a cup of coffee.

The woman didn’t appear to age. Her short brown hair was still cut in a cute bob. Today she wore a gray skirt and white blouse. Maggie had always imagined Dr. Janzen’s closet as a severely organized space, with each skirt paired with an appropriate blouse. Maggie had seen this exact outfit many times. She was pretty sure she was familiar with the doc’s entire wardrobe.

“Maggie, how are you?”

Maggie stood and shook Dr. Janzen’s hand. “I’m pretty good, thanks.”

She walked ahead of Dr. Janzen into the office and waited while she flipped the I
N
S
ESSION
sign outside the door before closing it. Maggie sank onto the dark brown suede couch. “New furniture.”

Dr. Janzen nodded as she took a seat and set her coffee on the table beside her. “How are you really doing?”

“I’m good. I’m back home now.”

“And how were your travels?”

“Fabulous. I saw so much and made friends.”

“I bet your family is happy to have you back.”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Dr. Janzen didn’t say anything. Maggie knew she was allowing time for Maggie to gather her thoughts and figure out what to say.

“I feel like a fraud,” she finally blurted.

“How do you mean?”

Maggie looked out the window and clasped her hands in her lap. “I told Ryan I wanted to travel because I felt like I was missing out on life. It was partly true, but I felt suffocated here.” She took a deep breath. “The thing is, a lot of that followed me.”

Dr. Janzen still didn’t speak.

“I had a great time traveling. But I’m still missing out. I came back because I’m worried about my mom. After her heart attack, all I could think about was that she could die and I wouldn’t be here. Plus, my siblings are all moving on, getting married, having kids. I’m still missing out.”

“How does that make you feel like a fraud?”

Maggie licked her lips. “I dated while I was in Ireland.”

Dr. Janzen nodded and waited.

“I couldn’t have sex, though. Even when I wanted to, I couldn’t follow through.” She thought of Ian and how much she’d wanted to have sex with him.

“Maggie, we talked about recovery. Everyone moves at a different pace.”

“But I felt ready. I liked this guy. And I miss being with someone, you know, really being with them.”

“Feeling ready is good.”

“Then I kind of froze, like a wave of fear washed over me.”

“And then?”

“I stopped.” Maggie leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and held her head. “Ian didn’t take it well.”

Dr. Janzen scooted forward in her seat. “How did you feel?”

“Like a failure.” She shook her head. “I wanted to, but couldn’t do it. And Ian stood there, looking at me like I was a freak.”

“Did he know you’d been raped?”

Again, Maggie shook her head.

“That is a vital conversation, Maggie. Anyone you plan to be intimate with has to be aware.”

“It’s not something you toss out over dinner, you know? I don’t even know what to say.”

“It needs to be said. What if you’re with a man you really care about and he does something that triggers panic and fear in you? If he doesn’t know about your past, he won’t know how to help you.”

“I just wanted to be a normal girlfriend.”

“This is your normal.”

“Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

Dr. Janzen smiled. “No, you don’t. Any other memories or triggers?”

Maggie lifted a shoulder. “I’ve avoided things that could be triggers.” Leaning back on the couch, she added, “But I’m going to talk to Ryan about working at the bar and getting an apartment above the bar.”

“Why?”

She looked at her doctor’s impassable face. “Because I haven’t stepped foot in the bar in almost five years. It’s my family’s business, and I feel like I’ve lost part of my life because of it.”

Dr. Janzen tilted her head, readying whatever her next thought was, but Maggie cut her off.

“You taught me exposure might be good. Face down my triggers. It might help me get over it.”

“Maggie, this isn’t something to get over. And when we talk about exposure, it’s controlled, not overwhelming yourself with possible triggers.”

“It’s been almost five years. I shouldn’t be living the life of a nun. I want to be a normal twenty-six year old. I want to have boyfriends and go out drinking with friends. I’m tired of this weight hanging around me.”

“I understand. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind.” She sipped her coffee.

Maggie smiled. The woman did know her pretty well. “I promised Shane I would talk to you before speaking to Ryan. I think he hoped you would talk me out of it.”

“I think I know you well enough to know when you’ll listen.”

Maggie twirled the ring on her right hand. “Do you think it’ll work?”

“It depends on what your goal is. Do I think working and living at your family’s bar will make having sex any easier? No. It might help you deal with that location and the memories there, though. I would suggest that instead of jumping into a job, you just go to the bar. Have dinner, spend some time, and see how you feel.”

She could do that. It had actually been her plan. She needed to know she could be in the bar before she could work there.

“What about sex? I feel ready to move on.”

“If you’re truly ready to move on and have a sexual relationship, you’ll be able to have that conversation with the man. If you’re not comfortable enough with him to share your past, then you aren’t going to be comfortable having sex with him.”

Maggie sat there, a little stunned. She felt like her therapist just told her to grow up. She’d tried to tell Ian about her rape, but it never quite came out right. He was a constant distraction, making her smile and laugh. They’d never been serious together. It was part of why she’d liked him so much.

Shane ran tape over the box as he packed the last of his things before moving in over O’Leary’s. He hated moving. His phone buzzed with a text.

 

 

Nothing like a little Maggie melodrama to break his boredom.
On my way.

He didn’t know what they were doing to make her crazy, but he didn’t care much either. He knew a lot of what she disliked was stuff she brought on herself. It was a little of the crazy she dished out coming back at her.

By the time he parked down the block from her mom’s house, the sun was long gone and the streetlights had clicked on. Most families were huddled in their homes having dinner. He walked toward the house, studying the neighborhood. He’d been here plenty over the years and it was comfortable, a home away from home. These neighbors were a little nosier than his, though.

Suddenly, something pelted his shoulder. Barely more than a sting, but enough to get his attention. He looked around for whatever kid had thrown the snowball, but saw no one. Then he heard the snicker and knew it had been Maggie. He bent over, scooped some snow, and formed it into a tight ball. Walking a few more steps, he listened for her.

She popped around from behind a tree, sailing a snowball past his head.

“Nice try.” Then he threw his, nailing her thigh.

Unfortunately, she had a small arsenal by the tree trunk. She must’ve been waiting outside for him for a while. She turned and then fired again, swinging wildly with double-fisted ammunition. He began throwing half-formed balls to slow her assault as he rushed her position.

When she saw him coming, she squealed and ran, abandoning her post and her cache. He took her spot and began using her own snowballs against her. As each one pinged off her back, she yelped. Two houses down, she raised her hands in surrender.

“Okay, you win.” She huffed and bent over, bracing her hands on her knees. “I quit.”

He approached with a wide smile. He liked winning. When he came up to her, he patted her back. “It’s okay, Magpie. Not everyone can be an athlete.”