Hold Me Close (21 page)

“A little old to be making out in an alley, aren’t you?”

“We were not making out. It was a kiss.”
And not a very good one.
She bit her tongue before those last words could escape. She
really
didn’t need Shane’s “I told you so.”

They walked out to the bar together, and she couldn’t believe her eyes. As crowded as they’d been last night, tonight was a wall of people from one end of the bar to the other. “Holy crap.”

Shane muscled his way through the bodies and found a spot near the archway that divided the back of the bar and the front. Maggie wrapped her apron at her waist and checked in with Mary and Ryan. This wasn’t going to be like a regular shift where she had a station to focus on. In addition to her station, people would flag her down from where they stood in the middle of the floor.

A band was doing a sound check on stage. It was about to get even louder. Maggie pushed all thoughts of guys out of her head and focused on the job. With her pad in her pocket, she walked through the crowd and began taking orders. By the time she delivered the first round, the band had started playing Irish folk music.

The sounds brought her back to her childhood, and she wished she could just stand and enjoy. Someone came up and bumped her shoulder. Maggie turned and saw Moira standing beside her.

“Is it like this every year?”

Moira wobbled her head side to side. “Kind of. It’s worse this year because the actual holiday lands on the weekend.”

“I’m kind of glad I’ve missed out on this. It’s crazy.”

“Yeah, but it’s the good kind of crazy.”

Maggie lost track of how many employees Ryan had working. At least two fights were broken up, and twice Shane had to help muscle her through a crowd to deliver orders. Unlike the other bouncers, who simply created a path for her to follow, Shane held her close, one time carrying the tray over his head for her. When he’d put his hand on her hip to guide her through, she’d had a hard time focusing on where she needed to go.

So much for putting men out of her mind. Some of them, she’d like to do more than put out of her mind. As the night wore on, the guys got friendlier and handsier. But Shane acted as her personal bodyguard. She never had to do more than slightly admonish a guy. If another attempt was made, Shane was at her back.

He hadn’t thrown anyone out, but Maggie was convinced it had been unnecessary because of the look on Shane’s face.

The music was loud and fun. At one point, Moira grabbed her hand and yelled, “Let’s dance.”

Maggie pulled back, but Moira insisted. She had the band play a song and the two of them did an Irish step dance together like they had as kids. Tomorrow night they would have a real dance troupe performing, but the drunks at the bar were impressed with the O’Leary sisters and their hacked-up, half-remembered steps.

They left the stage completely out of breath from laughing. Customers shoved singles at them for tips as they walked by. Shane met her by the arch and handed her a glass of water. She grabbed it and gulped. “Thanks.”

“You looked cute up there.”

She rolled her eyes. “You saw the same dance last week.”

“But it’s better when there are two of you having fun.”

“Yeah. It was better.” She finished the water. “Well, back to work.”

Before she walked back to the bar with her glass, Shane grabbed her arm. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about our conversation.”

“I know.” But she didn’t say more. She dropped her glass off at the bar and walked the room clearing empty bottles and taking orders.

By the time the night was done and the last customer left, Maggie was dead on her feet. She looked around the room. All of the O’Learys were there, plus the regular staff filled the space.

Ryan stood at the bar. “Can I have everyone’s attention?”

Movement across the room stopped. Everyone faced Ryan.

“First, I want to thank you all for your hard work tonight. We had very few problems and most people seemed to enjoy themselves. I’ve got a skeleton crew on during the day tomorrow because I’m hoping it won’t be too busy. At least until the parade is over. We still have a lot of cleanup to do, but I think you all deserve a drink.”

No one moved.

Colin yelled, “Come on. Belly up to the bar.”

Everyone moved like a wave. Maggie followed and Ryan and Colin poured shots and beer for everyone. Maggie reached for a glass of beer.

Shane looked at her. “A beer?”

She nodded. “I had a couple at Moira’s last weekend. They were good.”

When everyone had a drink in hand, Colin raised his. “To Patrick O’Leary for founding one hell of a bar. And to all my O’Leary siblings for showing up today. Sláinte.”

Maggie took a drink of her beer. It wasn’t as good as the bottled beer she’d had last weekend, but it wasn’t bad. She took another sip.

Shane’s mug was already half empty. “You’re really going to drink a beer. I can’t believe it.”

“Why?”

“Because you stopped drinking five years ago.”

She quirked an eyebrow. “I’m restarting a lot of things I stopped doing five years ago.”

Although she’d had only a few swallows of beer, she might as well have been drunk to say something like that.

But Shane smiled. “So you are. That’s one of the things we need to talk about.”

“What do you mean?”

“This guy you were with—”

“Eli.”

“Yeah.” His
yeah
was every bit a
whatever
. “Is it serious?”

“How can it be serious? We just met and went out a couple of times. The important thing is that I want to give him a chance. For the first time in forever, I want to see what happens.”

She studied his face and tried to figure out where he was going with this. She wrapped her arm around his. “I know you worry, but I’m okay. I’m not rushing anything.” She smiled up at him. “Well, maybe I rushed the kiss with him, but you know how important a kiss is. If that’s not right, nothing else matters.”

“Is it?”

“Is what?”

“The kiss right?”

She took another gulp of beer to avoid answering, but Shane was relentless anytime he asked a question. He was going to make one hell of a cop. A long, slow inhale and then she said, “I’m not sure yet.”

Shane snorted and disengaged his arm. He grabbed a broom and started sweeping. She ran around to get in front of him. “Hey, what is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on. Say it.”

He leaned the broom against a table and took two steps toward her. His eyes were hard but not angry. She backed up and bumped into the corner of a booth. Shane kept coming.

“A kiss isn’t something to have to think about or decide on. It’s right or it’s not. In the moment you can’t think. You don’t analyze. You just feel. And if you’re telling me you’re not sure, this guy doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

He stood so close that she felt his breath on her face, a warm caress to go with what felt like a warning.

“What do you know?”

He took a full step back. “I know what I’m doing. You know it too.”

Then he turned and went back to sweeping the floor. Maggie stared at him, not sure what to say or do. This was a different side to Shane. This was the Shane that burned a hole in her back while she kissed Eli. This was the Shane who was bossy and controlling.

Unfortunately, she had no idea what any of it meant or what she was supposed to do with it. So she did what she did best: She walked away.

CHAPTER 16

S
hane and Maggie worked the weekend with a barely perceptible rift between them. Frustration consumed him. He’d almost kissed her the other night at the end of their shift. He’d been too wound up hearing her talk about giving Eli a chance. He’d wanted to shout that
he
deserved a chance, but that would make him sound insane.

So he dialed it back. His life was out of kilter and he couldn’t afford to take it out on Maggie. They needed to have a conversation, a real one without the O’Leary’s staff standing by observing.

He knew the chemistry exploded between him and Maggie. He’d be able to convince her they could be more. But first he had to tell her about moving out and on. He didn’t want to start a new relationship with lies between them.

She had the night off at the bar, and he’d already told Ryan that he was done. He ordered a pizza to be delivered to her apartment and now he was just waiting for her to get home. That morning in passing she mentioned a new job, something to do with Moira, and then left.

A thump on his door let him know she was home. “I have pizza.”

He swung his door open and Maggie stood there with a bright smile, holding their dinner.

“I have excellent timing. I pulled up right behind the delivery guy. I’m starving.” She spun on her heel and walked across the hall.

Sometimes he forgot how much of a whirlwind Maggie could be. He followed into her apartment and watched her carefully lock up. “You look happy.”

“It’s amazing. I thought when I met with Moira and her friend Tara that I was heading into something good. I told you about that, right? Anyway, part of me was hesitant because, let’s face it, I’m not a photographer, but it’s fun. And like Moira always says, why work a job you hate? I’m so glad I tried.”

Another thing he forgot about Maggie was when she spent a lot of time with Moira, she started to talk like her. He remembered that being at the O’Leary house and listening to the two of them talk was like being caught between dueling tornadoes.

“Are you listening?” She grabbed some water from the fridge as he opened the pizza box.

“Yes, I’m listening.”

She inhaled, and he took note of the tight sweater she wore. Bright blue to match her eyes. “So this weekend, even though I knew it would mean going on almost no sleep, I went to the parade and took some pictures and then I snapped some shots on my phone at the bar.” She grabbed a slice of pizza and bit into it.

Shane ate without responding because he figured she had more to say.

“I had to play with the ones from the bar, but the parade turned out great. Tara loved them. She definitely wants me to do more, cover more events for her. She plans to launch her ezine at the beginning of the summer.”

“Ezine?”

“Online magazine. Digital only. In the meantime, Moira and I are going to help her build content for a soft launch.”

Shane ate his pizza and tried to figure out what language Maggie spoke. He had no idea what she was talking about. “What does all this mean?”

“It means I’m getting in on the ground floor of a new magazine. If it succeeds, so do we. Although Tara is the main backer, Moira and I are here at the beginning. It’s exciting to start something new. To build something.”

“Yeah, it is. You don’t have plans tonight, do you?”

“I actually have to go take some pictures at a community fun fest for the newspaper Moira got me in with.”

“So you’re really doing this. Becoming a photographer.”

“I think so. I thought about going back to school, but nothing is grabbing me. I’m having fun with this.”

They ate in silence for a few minutes.

“What about you? What happened with the police?”

“Well, I still have a shot, but I need to move out of here and not work at the bar anymore.”

“Oh.”

“But Detective Carroll led me to believe that if I do that, I’m in. I’ll be in the next round of recruits.”

“Congratulations.” Her voice held no enthusiasm.

“You don’t sound very happy for me.”

“I am. I mean, I know you want this, but being a cop is a dangerous job. It’s scary.”

“I’ll be fine. I take a greater risk working in the bar.” He finished off his pizza and water. “But I wanted to talk to you about the rest. I’m going to be moving out pretty fast.”

“Like how fast?”

“Hopefully within a week.” He huffed out a breath, not knowing how to soften the next part. “I think you should move out too.”

“Why? I just got settled.”

He knew that no matter how he answered this, she would get mad, but he had to say it. “I won’t be here.”

“So? We’ll see each other often enough, I hope.”

“But I won’t be here, Mags. You’re already moving on from working at the bar. Move out.”

“Wait. I didn’t say I was quitting at the bar. Yeah, I have new jobs lined up, but they won’t pay the bills yet. I have to keep waitressing. Although I’ll miss having you around, you not being here won’t have an impact on me keeping my job.”

He blew out a heavy breath. “I don’t want you to stay here. Not working. Not living.”

“So sorry to disappoint you.”

Grabbing her hand, he tried again. “I know you’re feeling better, Maggie. Things are going well. But I moved in here and worked at the bar so I could keep an eye on you. I didn’t trust anyone else to do it.”

She slid away from him and crossed her arms. “You told me you were working at the bar to get money for Cara. That it was Ryan’s idea for you to move in.”

“I stretched the truth a little.”

“You lied.”

“But I did it for the right reasons. If I told you the truth, you would’ve been pissed.”

“I
am
pissed.”

He tamped down his own anger. And hurt. The pain always accompanied the guilt. “Don’t you get it? I couldn’t live through that again. If I had paid closer attention five years ago . . . If I had watched you then—”

Her voice was quiet but strong. “There wasn’t a damn thing you could’ve done. Nothing that happened was your fault.”

Her words didn’t erase the guilt. “Maybe not my fault, but I could’ve prevented it.”

“Don’t turn this around. I don’t want to feel sorry for you right now, Shane. You
lied
to me. You acted like you were in my corner. Like you believed in me. But you’re no better than my brothers.”

He reached out again, but she backed away. “Being like your brothers isn’t a bad way to live. They care about you and love you and want you to be safe.”

“By treating me like a child.”

“Have I ever treated you like anything other than the woman you are? Maybe I didn’t go about it the best way—”

She snorted hard enough that the neighbors probably heard.

“But my intentions were good. And I’m being honest now because I don’t want there to be lies between us.”

“So it’s okay to lie when we’re neighbors and have to work together, but as soon as that convenience is over, it’s time to come clean?”

“No. I don’t want lies to be between us as a couple. I want us to be a goddamn couple, and you’re not making this easy.”

She stopped whatever she was going to say and stood with her mouth hanging open. That wasn’t exactly the way he’d planned to approach the topic, but it was out there now.

“Oh, my God. I can’t believe you.”

Not the reaction he was going for. She sounded even more pissed, if that was possible.

“How could you? You figure that playing the guilt card didn’t work so now you play on my insecurities when it comes to relationships? Get out.”

What? He didn’t even understand what she was saying. “I’m not playing anything, Maggie.”

She didn’t answer, but turned her back on him. “Go home, Shane. I have to get ready for work.”

Shane left her and went back to his apartment totally bewildered. He’d known she’d be mad, but he hadn’t expected it to be that bad. He felt like he just fucked up the best thing in his life by being honest. The most he could hope for now was to give her time and space to cool off. To process what he’d said.

Then he’d try to explain again. He had to make her understand.

She couldn’t believe Shane’s audacity. How could he use her emotions against her? She just got to the point where she could have a relationship, and he toyed with her to get her to do what he wanted. She was half surprised he didn’t try to blame that on Ryan as well.

She stomped through her apartment cleaning up their dinner mess, and then she changed her clothes to look professional for the fun fest for a school district she was covering for the paper. After work, she had another date with Eli. Tonight, she’d planned to tell him about being raped. Although they’d known each other only a couple of weeks, she knew most guys were looking to get laid a few dates into a relationship.

The fun fest was lively, but exhausting. She took lots of photos, and then she headed back into the city to meet Eli. She wondered how he would take it. He would be the first guy she ever talked to about it. Her stomach revolted, and she regretted the pizza she’d had with Shane earlier.

Eli wanted to meet at a bar, and she figured since it was the middle of the week, they could find a quiet corner to talk. She could do this. She’d talked to Shane about all of it, even some of her freakishness, and he hadn’t walked away.

Parking in the lot of the neighborhood bar Eli had chosen, she told that little voice to shut the hell up. She was still pissed at Shane. No warm fuzzy feelings for him today.

She flipped her visor down, checked her makeup, and smiled. No, she didn’t look nervous, not at all. As she walked into the bar, she pulled out her phone and texted Eli.

He responded,
Parking now. Be right in.

While she waited, she scoped out the place, looking for a quiet booth. She found one that faced the door, so she could see Eli come in. She hung her jacket on the hook on the edge of the booth and sat.

Eli walked through the door, phone in hand, and scanned the bar. It took him a couple of sweeps and her waving for him to see her. He strode over, kissed her cheek, and took the spot across from her.

“Hi. How are you?”

“Good.”

“Looks like you survived Saint Patrick’s Day.”

“Barely. It was crazy all weekend.”

A waitress interrupted. Maggie ordered water and Eli ordered a brandy. Maggie tried not to cringe. This would definitely test her.

When the waitress left, Eli said, “So, what did you want to talk about?”

Maggie wished she’d ordered her drink when she came in. It would give her hands something to do besides fidget. “I like you.”

“That’s good because I like you too.”

“But I need to tell you something before we try to take our relationship further.”

The waitress dropped off their drinks, and Maggie took a gulp of water. Setting the glass back on the table, she used it as an anchor. “I haven’t been with many guys. In fact, I’ve dated very little compared to most women my age.” Another deep breath. “That’s because five years ago I was raped.”

Once the words came out, she wanted to hide. She had nothing to be embarrassed about. She knew that in her head, but something else washed over her and crawling under the table sounded like a good idea. Her eyes left the cool ice in her glass and met Eli’s.

“Wow. I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. It’s just important that you know.”

“Did they get the guy?”

The air left her lungs. Her heart squeezed. Her throat thickened. Of all the questions she thought he might ask, this hadn’t been one. How should she answer?

Slowly, carefully, she pushed words from her mouth. “I knew who it was. He was my ex-boyfriend.”

Confusion came into Eli’s eyes. “Oh. So it wasn’t like he dragged you into an alley and tore off your clothes or something.”

A burst of anger hit her. It seemed as though she had an abundance of that to go around today. “That doesn’t make it any less of a rape.”

“I didn’t mean . . . I just . . .” He drank his brandy in one gulp. The glass hit the table with a loud thunk. “I get that it was rape, but it’s not the same, you know. The level of violence.”

Her anger turned to rage. This was part of why she never wanted to talk to people about this. Her hands shook, and she clasped them in her lap. After clenching and unclenching her jaw a couple of times, she leaned forward. “My ex-boyfriend drugged me and raped me. I was incapacitated and couldn’t give consent. He put his dick inside me. Without my permission. What greater violation is there?”

She stood. She had to get out of here. While she yanked her jacket off the hook, Eli stood.

“Maggie, wait.”

She turned to face him, but the disgust she felt right now wouldn’t allow her to hear anything.