Hold On Tight (Take My Hand) (4 page)

~Emily~

Sarah
stepped out onto the
front porch after seeing the face behind the door. That was all we needed to
see to know who it was. I glanced sideways towards Dexter and noticed his hands
were balled into such tight fists on top of knees his knuckles had turned
white.

“Christmas Day,” I heard
him mutter under his breath. Then what sounded like one sharp laugh escaped his
lips. “Christmas fuckin’ Day.” He shook his head and inhaled one sharp breath
before leaping from the couch.

“Dexter no!” I called
after him, lunging after him to grab his arm but missing. “He’s not worth it!”
I cried, afraid of what he might do to him. That man had driven Dexter to
lengths I didn’t ever want him to feel the need to go to again. Seeing the pain
he was causing Dexter all over again, a part of me couldn’t help wishing he’d
succeeded the night he tried to shoot him. I know that’s wrong on so many
levels, which is why I would never admit it out loud.

Yanking the door open so
hard it slammed against the wall, Dexter froze when he met the eyes of his
father.

“It’s Christmas. Couldn’t
you give us that? Just one fuckin’ day?” he said. To my surprise he didn’t
sound angry - he sounded resigned, wounded… He sounded broken.

I looked at Martin,
Dexter’s father, with what I imagined was an expression of pure revulsion
taking over my face. He was smartly dressed in crisp black slacks and a
baby-blue shirt. The swelling around his nose created by Dexter’s fist last
week had subsided a little but was still visible and slightly yellow. The
ugliest part of him was his eyes. They were a similar shade of blue to
Dexter’s, but where Dexter’s sparkle, his were dark – menacing. The way
he narrowed them when he looked at any one of us sent shivers down my spine.

“No point delaying the
inevitable, son.” Dexter literally flinched as the word ‘son’ pierced his ears.
“This house is mine and I intend to sell it. Someone is coming to take photos
the day after tomorrow and there’s a sign going up on Monday.”

“Martin you can’t…” Sarah
began, shrinking back from him a little. Again, before I could grab him, Dexter
leaped towards his father and gathered a fistful of his blue shirt in his hand.

“Like hell they are!” He
growled just inches away from Martin’s face. “You stay the fuck away from me
and my family or I swear to god I won’t be responsible for what happens to
you!”

“Now now, boy… we all know
how it went the
last
time you tried
something like that don’t we?” Martin answered, followed by a sardonic laugh
that made my stomach churn. He was so calm and collected – so
threatening, even though his son had him pulled up onto his toes by the collar
of his shirt.

Dexter didn’t respond
right away and I think it was because he physically couldn’t. He was breathing
rapidly, the veins in his neck were bulging on the surface and his face was
such an intense shade of anger-fuelled red I feared it might explode. Then, releasing
his grip on his father, Dexter sighed mournfully.

“Why are you doing this?”
he asked desolately, stepping back. Instinctively I moved forward and placed my
hand on his shoulder. It was only then I noticed he was trembling slightly and
it took every ounce of effort my body held not to cry. “Payback? “Cause I’d
totally get that. Hell, maybe I’d even
welcome
it. But this house is all Aunt Sarah has left and she’s done
nothing
but give up her whole life to
take care of Mom and me. Whatever you think of her, or she of you, she’s never
done anything to warrant you destroying her life too.”

I watched Dexter’s face as
he spoke. The guilt was still there – pouring from his eyes as it
continued to consume him. The worst part? Knowing there’s
nothing
I can do to take that pain away from him.

“So the fact that bitch
lied
to the police that day should just
be forgotten about huh?” Martin snapped, scowling towards Sarah. The blood
visibly drained from both Dexter and Sarah’s faces with equal speed.

“How do you know about
that?” Sarah asked shakily. As far as we knew, Martin did a runner that day and
was never found again. After a few months the case was put on the backburner
and Sarah never heard from the police again.

“Because I was the one
behind it,” he smirked. Seeing the confusion sweeping over Sarah’s face he
added, “what? You think that lieutenant would risk her whole career for a
nobody like you? You think she was just doing it out of the goodness of her
heart? Oh please, Sarah… you can’t be that naïve surely.”

“I-I,” she stuttered. “I
don’t understand.”

“The lieutenant who
visited you that day, is now my wife,” he stated with a smug grin crawling
across his stubbled face.

“I’ve heard enough of this
bullshit,” Dexter barked. “Leave. Now.”

“No wait,” Sarah
interrupted. I just stood there, shocked into silence and feeling utterly
helpless. “Are you saying she wasn’t a real officer?”

“Of course she is. Don’t
you think someone else would’ve interviewed you if she wasn’t?”

“Then why?” Dexter snapped.
“Why would you cover for me like that?” he questioned, sounding completely
dumbfounded. I was in no way softening to this heartless monster stood tall and
intimidating in front of us, but I couldn’t help wondering if maybe he did have
a teensy shred of decency hidden away somewhere deep inside him. Decent enough
to want to protect his only son?

“Leverage.” Or maybe not.
“I knew this day would come - the day I would come back for what’s mine.
Granted I didn’t think it’d take her so fucking long to die but still I knew-”
Before he could continue, Martin was flat on his back with blood pouring out of
his already delicate nose. Standing over his father’s body, Dexter shook off
his hand. He opened his mouth to speak just as I opened mine to tell him to
calm down, but then he spat on the ground next to Martin’s body and stalked off
inside.

Climbing to his feet,
Martin dabbed at his nose with the cuff of his shirt before pulling the
blood-stained material away and laughing mockingly.

“See his temper’s as wild
as ever,” he taunted.

“Please, Martin,” Sarah
begged, her praying hands reaching out to him. “Don’t do this to him. He’s been
through so much.” Sarah was pleading with this vile creature. She was…
desperate. Desperate to protect the boy she loved most in the world.

“Like I said, the sign’s
going up on Monday,” he deadpanned and then turned to leave.

“HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING
CALLOUS?” Sarah blasted, shocking me back a step. “
You
ruined their lives goddammit! You
know
what you did to them – how you treated them. Do you not
even feel a single shred of remorse? HE’S YOUR SON!”

“I only have Deborah’s
word for that,” he threw back with that sickening grin of his. “Monday. Don’t
forget.”

Within seconds he was
gone. I stared after him as he walked down the path and over to a shiny silver
car before climbing in and speeding away with a screech. Sarah and I stood
stunned and frozen for a few long minutes, staring into nothingness. I felt
sick to my stomach. The fact I’d briefly shared the same air with that man made
me feel almost violated. I’d never met someone so cold, so hostile, so…
heartless.

I hate him.

“Dexter. We need to be
with Dexter,” I remembered after way too long. He was hurting and I was outside
in the cold staring at an empty space where the feet of a man who made my blood
boil was stood just minutes ago. Sarah nodded weakly, her eyes red with unshed
tears, and followed me into the house.

“Dexter?” I called, seeing
no sign of him as I walked through the living room to peer into the kitchen.
“Dex?”

Sarah went into the
kitchen to make us mugs of hot chocolate, but I suspected she just wanted to be
alone for a few minutes. I ventured up the stairs slowly, calling Dexter’s name
every few steps. My heart sank a little further with every step I took. Had he
ran from me again? Ran from the situation unfolding in front of us?

I was starting to panic
when I found each of the bedrooms empty, but then I tried the handle on the
bathroom and it was locked. I’d found him.

“Dexter?” I questioned, my
voice shaking. “Let me in. I need to know you’re okay.”

“I-I’m fine. I’ll be out
in just a minute,” he replied after too many seconds. His words seemed a little
slurred, and pressing my face against the door as if that made me closer to
him, I could hear him sniffing. He must’ve been crying. All alone.

“Please,” I begged. “I
need to see you.”
I need to hold you
I
added in my mind.

“Just a minute!” he
shouted acidly, making me jump back from the door. I was pushing him too far.
He obviously needed some time to get himself together and I needed to respect
that, however much it hurt. At least he was still here. At least he hadn’t ran
away.

“I’ll um, I’ll wait for
you downstairs,” I mumbled nervously. He didn’t reply.

**********

Sarah went to bed soon after
I came back downstairs. Her eyes were swollen and so red they looked painful.
Clearly we all needed to talk about what’d happened but it didn’t have to be
tonight. I think we were all too shaken to think rationally just now.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you
earlier,” Dexter apologised, taking my hand in his as we lay huddled together
in bed, not long after Sarah went up.

“It’s okay,” was all I
could think to say. Everybody responds to harsh situations differently. Where
I’d need a hug, Dexter obviously needs space.

“It’s not okay. I was too
busy thinking about myself to worry about you. You’re part of this whole mess
now. It affects you too.” I smiled warmly, tracing the contours of his glorious
abs with the tip of my finger. “I can’t go home now – to the UK I mean,”
he added solemnly. I knew this was coming. I thought as much myself.

“Then we won’t,” I
answered without a single breath of hesitation. “Not yet anyway. We’ll stay
until this is sorted and Sarah can come with us.”

“That day can’t come soon
enough.” I nodded in agreement.

So that was it. We were
staying. A text wouldn’t suffice for this kind of news so I decided I would
have to phone Rachel and Chris first thing tomorrow. I could probably fob Chris
off without giving too much away, but not Rachel. I was going to have to tell
her
everything
and I wasn’t looking
forward to it one bit.

“I love you so much,
doll,” Dexter whispered against my forehead before kissing it softly. “I’d be
nothing without you.”

“Baby, if you were
nothing, you wouldn’t
have
me right
now,” I replied, settling my head into his chest. Closing my eyes and relishing
the gentle thrum of his heart beneath my ear I added, “I love you, too.”

~Dexter~

I
wish I’d succeeded that day. I wish
I’d been older – more experienced. Maybe practiced first… then I wouldn’t
have missed.

I hate him.

I hate him so much my stomach rolls and
my breathing becomes labored just imagining his twisted face.

I hate him for destroying my mother’s
life and I hate him for trying to destroy Aunt Sarah’s.

I hate what he’s made me become.

I.
Hate.
Him.

And right now, the only person in the
world I despise as much as that depraved and twisted bastard, is myself.

Today is Boxing Day. Obviously ‘us Americans’
as Emily often refers to us, wouldn’t usually celebrate it. But apparently it’s
a big deal across the water so we planned to make it special. According to
Emily it’s the day everyone chills out and recuperates from all the Christmas
fun while eating leftovers, watching the last of the shitty Christmas movies
and hitting the sales. I guess it’s kind of similar to Black Friday.

So that was our plan - until my father
showed up last night. Instead the day was spent in uneasy silence –
nobody knowing what to say to each other.

“I still think he’s bluffing,” Emily
said, breaking the unbearable silence. It was late afternoon and all three of
us were in the living room, staring at the TV but none of us actually watching
it. “I mean, if he really is married to some corrupt police woman, then they’ll
only be getting themselves in trouble if they say anything. He’s supposed to be
dead right? Well that’s illegal for a start. I think he’s just trying to scare
us.”

Well
it’s working.

“Maybe,” I replied, shrugging off the
nerves I felt stabbing into my stomach. “Guess we won’t know until he shows
back up here.” In that moment I made a mental note to try my utmost to refrain
from smashing my fist into his face again next time. It would be hard, because
that’s all I can think about when he’s in front of me, but I also know an end
needs to be put to this mess. That can’t happen if I keep beating the crap out
of him and making him leave.

“That man is capable of anything. And
who knows what this wife of his is capable of too. If he wants the house, he
can have it,” Sarah muttered resignedly.

“NO!” I blasted, jumping from my chair.
“Don’t you DARE let him control you like he did my mom!” Why the fuck would she
give into him so easily? “We
have
to
fight him on this dammit! We owe it to my mom!” I was pacing the room with
long, forceful strides now – ripping my tense fingers through my messy
hair and breathing so harshly my lungs began to burn.

“Dexter,” Aunt Sarah mollified. “The
only thing your mom would want is for you to be free of that man. For you to be
free – period. For you to live your life with that beautiful girl…” She
gestured her hand to Emily who smiled coyly. “If anyone finds out what you did
that day, you could lose everything. The future your mom always prayed you
would have would be ruined. The fact is, Dex… although I despise your father
and what he’s doing, I love
you
more
than I
hate
him. He can take the
house – I’ll get over it. I won’t get over losing
you
.”

“Fuck this,” I grunted. A thousand
different emotions were pressing so heavily on my shoulders – crushing
me… consuming me. I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t think straight or see clearly.
Everything in sight had a deep red aura around it. It was like there was so
much hatred flowing through my veins, it was beginning to seep out through my
eyes – tainting everything an angry shade of crimson. “I’m going for a
run.”

**********

I set off without a destination in mind
but it seemed my body knew exactly where it was going. Ten minutes after
slamming the front door behind me, I was standing on Jaxon’s porch.

“You got through that stash pretty
quick,” was his opening line. He knew exactly what I wanted from him. “Need a
bit more this time?” I shrugged nonchalantly, even though I was anything but. I
wasn’t in fact cool, I was stressing the fuck out and I needed something to
take that away. Hey, don’t judge me. I only needed a
tiny
bit more. I know my limits, okay? “Want company?” he asked,
and it felt like life had rewound five years. Only this time I didn’t want
company. I wasn’t in it for fun – I was in it to forget.

“Nah, I’m good. Going home now, man.
Just getting a little in for the New Year in case I don’t get time to pop by,”
I lied. New Year? That was almost a week away. This shit would be flowing through
my system within minutes.

“Cool, whatever.” We carried out the
exchange quickly and to anyone looking in on us, it was no more than a
handshake. “Catch you around, dude.” I offered a curt nod in response and set
off straight into another sprint.

I ran until I reached the park I took
Emily to the day after she found out about my mom – the day after I let
her down. Again. Just like I was doing now. I knew I was being selfish but I
couldn’t help it. Sometimes life is so overwhelming. So painful. It’s excruciating.

The talking, the counseling, the deep
breathing bullshit… it doesn’t work.
Nothing
can numb the agony ravaging my insides like one tiny little hit. I know you
think I’m losing it again, just like I know Emily and Aunt Sarah would think
the same if they knew. But you’re wrong. The last time I let the gear take
control it was because I didn’t give a shit. I didn’t care if I was nothing
– if I
had
nothing
.
I didn’t care if I lost everything and
everyone. In fact, part of me
wanted
to
because I knew that’s what I deserved.

So you see, it didn’t take hold of me
– I gave myself over to it. But I won’t this time. I’ve got too much to
lose. In all honesty I don’t know if I deserve to love and
be
loved, but this time I don’t
want
to lose it. This time I will fight to the death to keep it. This time,
I’m
in control.

Leaning back against the damp, moss
coated tree trunk, I closed my eyes and welcomed the numbness taking over my
thoughts and my senses.