Holding Her in Madness (31 page)

Lil

“Son of a motherfucking BITCH!” I can’t breathe any harder, I’m fucking trying not to push but, “SHIT. FUCKING FUUUUCK!” Another contraction barrels its way through me.

Leo’s grip on my knee tightens and his foot pushes the gas pedal lower. “Baby, just breathe… Please just breathe. We’re almost there.”

A tortured cry leaves my mouth, turning into a laugh when the contraction ebbs away. “Oh, Leo. You’re so cute. What the hell do you think I’ve been doing? Not breathing? If I’m screaming, I’m breathing.” My head lolls resting back against the headrest. “I love you, Leo. So fucking much. I want you to know that, okay?”

His worried eyes glance at mine before going back to the road. “What the fuck does mean? Why are you saying shit like that, Lil?”

Before I can answer, the strength of my contraction is pulling and separating me from rational thought again, “FUUUCK! Shit. Fuck. Damn. Hell. Motherfucker!!”

“Wait, no… Go back. Come back, Lil. What the fuck were you talking about, baby?”

His grip tightens on my knee as my contraction eases up again.

“Baby, keep squeezing my knee. It makes the contraction go away, I think.” The labor unit nurse in me rolls her eyes and hangs her head in shame. “‘Kay. ‘Kay?” I grip his hand on my knee. “Just don’t stop. I’ll tell you what’s happening. Leo, I don’t think Baby Allen is gonna wait. He’s coming and he’s coming
NOW
!” My voice contorts into a demonic growl as another contraction seizes me, stealing my breath away.

Leo almost lays the fucking truck on its side as he pulls into the parking lot of my old job when I feel it click at the peak of the contraction.

Nature takes over my body and I silently do what it tells me to.

I fucking push.

In a blur of movements and white walls, I keep pushing through the contraction until it finally releases its hold on me.

I see a head full of dark curly hair and tan skin, a needle pierces my skin, and a flood of cold fluid courses into my veins. Then I see Theresa’s dark eyes and big smile and I fall apart crying.

“Theresa, he can’t come this way. He can’t come this way. I’ve had two C-sections.” Tears soak the hair above and behind my ears as Baby Leo’s sweet lifeless face flashes in my mind.

“Lil, look at me…” I pull my eyes from Theresa’s and look into Denise’s blue, smiling eyes. “He’s already halfway here. The other nurses are getting in touch with the doctor on call. If you can, try not to push.”

I nod. Over and over I nod until another contraction rips through me and cripples my thought process of wrong and right. I begin shaking my head from side to side.

Nature takes over, Baby Leo’s face leaves my mind, and I lock eyes with the man I have loved fiercely all my fucking life.

Keeping his eyes on mine, he moves to me, cupping my face in his hands, whispering as I bear down and push our son into the world. “Fuckin’ love you, firecracker. I fucking love you. Do you know that? Do you know how much I fucking love you? How happy you make me, baby?”

Our son’s cries split the air inside the LDR. Leo and I never look away from one another.

Our tears mix, our breath mingles, our souls combine… Then his mouth fuses with mine, drenching my parched lips in his tears and kisses.

He pulls away, still watching me. He smirks, and then his smirk turns into the most beautiful smile. Without bothering to wipe his tears away he tells me proudly, “That was the most fucking insane thing I have ever seen!” He shakes his head and just stares at me in awe, pride still pouring off of him.

Theresa brings me our son, but Leo’s eyes never leave mine.

A strangled sob escapes my soul and then my throat when I look down and see baby Leo’s mirror image, his identical twin looking back up at me.

I hear my little brother, Allen, as clear as if it were Leo or one of nurses whisper into my ear, “Second chances, Lil. Never any regrets. Sometimes you have to feel the bite of the pain before you can truly, fully appreciate every single one of the little things.”

“It’s really him,” I whisper, looking down at my son.

“God never closes a door without opening another. And usually the new souls hanging around those doors are the ones to get back in.”

I tuck baby Leo into my hospital gown. The warm skin of his belly is against mine when I feel his tiny hands around my breast. Peeking inside my gown, I hold his head, helping him latch on. After I feel the first pull and hear the click, telling me he’s latched on correctly, I smile and rest my head back against the pillow.

Allen chuckles. “Sis, what you think you have in experience, I more than make up for in utter genius. It’s a good idea to remember that one, kid.”

When I woke up contracting this morning, I fully expected to have my third C-section delivery. The son I would deliver would be an unknown yet new face that I would quickly fall in love with.

I didn’t expect to ever deliver my son vaginally. And never in a million years would I have expected my new son’s face to be that of the son who’d haunted me for years, the son I’d lost and allowed the guilt of losing him, of not cutting soon enough, to chase me into the bowels of Hell.

I expected to deliver my son, Allen Ethan Phillips, by Cesarean in a controlled OR environment.

However, I delivered our son Baby Leo again… I delivered Leo Allen Phillips in a blur of madness in LDR six with nothing more than the love of my life holding my face and whispering through his tears against my tear-stained face, “Fuckin’ love you, firecracker. I fucking love you. Do you know that? Do you know how much I fucking love you? How happy you make me, baby?”

Holding me, keeping me sane and my mind still and calm as madness tore its way around us like a hurricane, Leo held me tightly in the calm quietness of its eye.

Now you know the story of A Woman Gone Mad and the story of the man Holding Her in Madness
…

The End

Damn! This is going to be much harder than it was with AWGM. Ahhh… Okay, first and foremost to my street team! You bitches have pimped, rocking both AWGM & HHIM like mothafuckin’ ROCK STARS! I love you each SO damn much that, honestly, I’m at a loss for words to describe how much you mean to me. *Wipes stray tear*

Bad & DirtyBooks aka Trina! Love you, sissy. Dammit, I love you!!! Our Wicked Weekend was everything I hoped it would be and so much more! You are and will always be more than my best friend. You’re my sister! XoXo

Donna Pemberton, bitch, I know we never made it legal… But I just did! You are the best fucking PA in the WORLD! Dammit, girl, it humbles the hell outta me that AWGM not only brought you into my life, but also gave me one of the most loyal, in-my-gotdamn corner-ready-to-scrap-at-the-blink-of-an-eye sister like you! If I never make a single red cent from either book, THAT and THAT alone makes it ALL worth it, babe! I love you to the moon and back!

Francette Phal, thank you SO much for believing that I could write more than a book review! Thank you for always being there when I need your help, momma! To call you friend is one of the most kickass feelings in the world!

Jennifer Cothran, I love you! I’m so damn happy I got the chance to meet you and hang out during Wicked Weekend! I’m more than blessed to have the chance to call you my friend! You are always there for me, no matter what, and I fucking love you for it, girl!

Milto Psomas, been loving you for a long fucking time, mami! Sick, twisted, perverted minds flock together ;) Me and you been flocking for a while, girl! Thank you for always being there for me! Either as Kimmi from LipSmackin’ Goodbooks, or Kimber S. Dawn. I love the hell outta you, babe.

Yessi Smith, bitch, me and you are going places! It’s very rare, but when I find a sister bitch of your caliber, well… Let’s just say you’re fucking stuck with me fo’ life! You and your nice rack that rivals mine ;)

Felecia Hickman-Amaya, WOW! Holy! Just WOW, girl! You knocked me on my ass you pimped AWGM so damn hard! The hell, girl?!?! You are TRULY one of AWGM’s biggest fans! Easy! (I can’t make myself say ‘my fans’ lol. Doesn’t feel right yet.) I’m so damn happy Lil and the voices in her head brought you into my life! You are a fucking awesome friend!

Dolores Montz, 3 words! New Orleans, BITCH! We’re gonna light that bitch UP in August! CANNOT WAIT! Thank you SO much for telling all the old ladies in the supermarket to read my smut, lmao! I love your pimpin’ style, momma!

Tara Huffman &
Tanja Miloš, thank you for swattin’ my ass every time you caught me on FB and kicking my ass back into my writing cave! I needed it! Damn ADD, lmfao. Both you ladies are the best! I hope I can do you proud with Leo’s story!

Colourful WordWench aka Tara, Melisa Hamling, Miranda from Mommy’s a Book Whore, Witty WordWench aka Mandi, Sabrina Brasil, Daniela Rodriguez, Giulie Kiessling, Kim Reisdorf, Cat Caruthers, MJ Fryer, TheWriter WordWench aka Auburn, Kathy from Panty Dropping Book Blog - Jesus H. Christ, THANK YOU!!!!! Thank you for telling me what the hell a gazebo is when I try to call it a veranda. Thank you for watching all my botched attempts at making a book trailer. Thank you for SCOURING the internet trying to find the perfect Lil and Leo. Thank you for taking the massive jumble of words I can’t iron out right in my head and helping me fix it. Thank you for reading the synopsis (or many synopses) I kept coming up with until WE fucking got it right. Bottom line is, fucking THANK YOU! There is no damn way in hell I could have made it through Leo’s story without each and every one of you badass bitches! XOXO

To my editor Mickey Reed, thank you so much for cleaning up all my shit and making it look like a professionally written book. Lord knows I could have never done it without you. You’re my damn superwoman! You are the fastest editor I know! And from Leo, “Mickey, MOTHERFUCK! Babe, you kick ass!!!” I <3 you, girlie!!!

Kari Ayasha from Cover to Cover Designs, girl! There will NEVER, EVER be another cover artist that fucking touches my shit
—
or my books, lmao! You are one of the best things that has happened to me since coming into the author world. Every damn cover I have in my crazy head, you don’t just make it happen, you fucking KILL it! Love you, bitch! BTW, you’re also my new BFF. Get over it ;) Xoxo

Now, I want to give a HUGE, ginormous THANK YOU to my cover models, Tianna Ohren and Joshua Gawrysiak! I went through hell trying to find the perfect Lil and Leo, dammit. I’d all but just fucking given up and planned on slapping a pic of an old abandoned insane asylum on the freaking cover! So when my PA came back with a number and said, “Joshua McHottie said call him. He and Tianna want to do the shoot,” I said… “STFU!” Then I got scared and almost chickened out of calling, lmfao. But yay!!! I did! (Joshua’s truck was stuck in something like 50 feet of snow though.) So then Tianna and I talked and BAM! Magic, people. Fucking magic happened! And now Leo’s story has the hottest fucking cover in the book world! And I thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU for it so much!

To Sarah Genskow! Please forgive me for my excitement winning over and allowing me to bug the hell out of you for the BOMB-ASS pics you took of Tianna and Joshua! I was like a kid in a candy store window, itching to get the hell in! lmao. Your photog skills are out of this fucking world! Every picture you sent me took my breath away! Holy shit, girl! WOW! They were beautiful, classic, superb! Hands down the BEST I’ve EVER seen!!! Thank you to the moon and back, girlie!!!