Holding Her in Madness (30 page)

Lil

I open my eyes and see my reason for living since I was sixteen years old lying with his head where our son both lived and died. And when I feel his tears soaking the gown covering my abdomen, my mind flashes back to that night over twenty years ago in his car.

And just like back then, both of his hands cup and pull my face to his, our tears mixing, our breath mingling, our souls once again combining as we stare into each other’s eyes.

“Hey,” I barely choke out.

Leo cradles my body to his before allowing himself to fall apart, whispering over and over, “I’m here… I gotcha, baby. I gotcha. And I’m never gonna let go again. Gonna fix you, baby. Swear to God, I’m gonna fix you, angel.”

I slide my weak arms around his neck and I feel my tears spill as my body shakes from my sobs.

I gotcha, baby. I gotcha. And I swear I’ll never let you go...

I killed myself on May 23, 2016. I passed the point of no return, and once you find yourself there, all alone, it drives you mad. Insanity and evil wait for you in the shadows of madness, and when you are within their reach, they make their move to steal your soul.

Leo saved my soul. He saved my life and he saved my soul

Leo fought me tooth and nail. He held my hand, and when I shoved him away and screamed at him to die and leave me the fuck alone, he let go of my hand only to grab me up and hold me tight against him, even while I struggled to get away. He held me until I would exhaust myself. And when I woke up, I was still in his arms—in his arms covered in bite and claw marks from my fighting. He remained with me no matter how ugly it got. He continued to fight for me, even if that meant he sometimes had to fight with me... He never stopped fighting.

After weeks of warring with anyone and everyone who tried to fix me I finally, thankfully, exhausted myself of fighting.

Only then did I realize all the voices were gone.

I’d gone mad.

But I’d come home.

Fighting like a wounded animal, Leo fought harder.

And he brought me back home.

I killed Lilith on May 23, 2016. And over the next six months, Leo brought me back from the brink of madness. He fought me and everything standing between me and my happiness like a man on the single mission of his life.

He fought me with passion and anger. He fought me with love and pain. He fought me tired and at his wit’s end, but he never stopped fighting.

Our story isn’t covered in fairy godmother dust. Lord knows I’m no fucking princess.

But I don’t care. That doesn’t matter to me. I didn’t get the prince because I never wanted the motherfucker. My eyes never left the knight. My knight in shining black armor. My Leo.

There isn’t a castle or a white horse. There is no grand closure with magical twists of fate that set everything just as it should be, wrapped in a perfect bow.

There is not a single real story that is.

And the reason for that is because real life isn’t scripted. There are no cue cards, no directions, no stages, and no characters who wipe off their makeup at the end before running home.

Life… Real life is a beautiful yet painful struggle. It’s a poetic pull and tug of smiles and tears, laughter and sobs.

Our story is a melodic collage of misery and bliss, pride and humiliation, hope and despair.

And this… This is a perfectly flawed mosaic created with the pieces of our shattered souls, the entwining of both our darkness as well as our light, laid out for you to see, from both his side and mine.

But most of all, this is the end of our Madness.

This is Our Ending

Five years later…

Leo

I sit watching over my steepled fingers as Bella and Lil fuss over some fucking lace, I know the look on my face is either shock from the confusion over whatever the fucking hell they’re getting so upset over
or
smirking like a cocky yet still confused bastard, showing just how little
ANY
lace is of importance to me.

Well, any lace that isn’t covering Lil’s sexy little ass.

I feel a slap on my back before it squeezes and lets go. Looking up, I see Nick standing beside where I sit with shocked horror crosses the features of his face.

“What in the fucking hell? Are they bitching over lace?”

I sigh and lean my elbows on my knees, running my hands up and down my face before letting them fall in between my knees. “Nicky, honestly I
think
this travesty was spurred by lace. Now…why? Don’t fucking ask me, man. I’m not Bella’s daddy. Hell,
YOU
raised her. You should know about lace more than I do.”

He laughs, shaking his head at me with a pointed knowing look on his ugly fucking mug. “All in good time, my friend. Besides, I didn’t do the dress up, prom/homecoming shit with Bells. Lil did that, not me.”

“Leo, which one?” Bella is looking up at me from across the room with two hands full of white lace. That’s all I fucking have, people! Two determining, certain factors. White. Lace. That’s all I see. I glance over at Lil and raise my right eyebrow for help.

Fuck, I love you, firecracker.

She lifts her left hand and makes an L with her thumb and forefinger.

“They’re both beautiful, Bells. But I’d have to say the one on the left, definitely.”

Her smile lights up the fucking room, just like her mother’s.

“Well played, rookie. Well fucking played.” Nick laughs loudly but it’s immediately cut off by Lil.

“HEY! Both of you! Stop it! Each and every one of us knows I can go toe-to-toe in an F-bomb war with a sailor,
AND
easily use it to not only as a noun, but a verb and adjective as well, but we”—she stands to her full five-foot-nothing stature before cocking an eyebrow and pointing her finger at me and Nick—”will NOT use it in church. It’s illegal!”

“Iweegaw!” Olivia’s chubby hand flies to cover her tiny mouth in mock scandal a little too hard and she ends up popping herself in the mouth.

My eyes are fucking glued on my baby girl.

Come on, Livvy. Where’s Daddy’s big girl at…?

Everyone else in the room is running around in the controlled chaos as I watch Livvy’s sapphire eyes water. Her chin quivers for one point two seconds before her toddler resolve steels and she blinks once, twice. Then my baby girl’s tears are all gone.

As Lil, ‘Lise, and Bella get what I thought was just lace pinned in Bella’s hair, I hear Nick heading towards the room’s exit, sighing and mumbling something about this day being one he’d hoped to miss.

Livvy stands up after taking the entire skirt of her dress and hiking it up over her shoulder, holding it like Santa’s sack, before her little three-year-old legs start walking to me. Her blond ringlets bounce on her head as she shakes a finger at me, holding her skirt all the way up with her other hand.

“Daddy! You not post to be iweegaw! Neber, eber! You hearin’ me?”

I look down, pretending to be ashamed until she’s in reach. When she’s close, I snatch her up around her waist to blow raspberries on her tummy then sit her on my lap, tucking her skirt down.

“Well for one, I wasn’t being illegal. That was your uncle Nicky. And two”—I lock eyes with her—”you, young lady, know you’re supposed to keep your skirt tail down.”

Her little brows furrow and she glances at the door Nick just walked out of. “I knowed it was Untle Nicky.” Then she drops her voice to a whisper. “And, Daddy, dis dwess is gonna kiwl me.” Her eyes grow as big as saucers, her face as serious as ever. “I dus know it will.”

My chuckle has Lil looking over at us and smiling. She’s so fucking beautiful it makes my goddamn chest ache.

I still don’t understand that riddle.

Why in moments like these, with my firecracker smiling so big it lights up the entire fucking room, glowing from the inside out from not only her radiance but carrying my son, does my heart still painfully ache?

Lil’s beauty still fucking takes my breath away. She’s happier than she’s ever been. We’re all truly happier than we’ve ever been. So why does my heart hurt when our happiness resonates so intensely in these moments?

I feel tears bite the backs of my eyelids and only realize Livvy is standing in my lap when I feel her tiny, chubby hands cup my jaw to pull my face to hers, locking eyes with mine. “Untle Awwen says don’t be scawed to be happy, Daddy.” She kisses my nose then blinks her eyelashes against mine, which are soaked in tears. “Da utter shoe won’t hurt you ‘cause dare is no utter shoe.” She smiles brightly at me then moves to get down from my lap. I stop her and hold her tight to me.

I kiss her sweet chubby cheek before I whisper in her ear, “Promise me, Livvy. Tell me you promise, baby girl.”

Still smiling brightly, she whispers, “I pwomise, Daddy… I pwomise.”

She hops down from my lap to go chase ‘Lise and Josh’s four-year-old little boy, Joshie Jr., around the room then out the door.

Katie and David walk in as Livvy and Joshie weave between their legs on their way out.

Katie rushes over to where the girls are and David comes over to where I’m sitting. I’m sorry. Call me fucking crazy, but this motherfucker still makes me nervous.

My spine stiffens and I sit up before leaning back and resting my left ankle on my right knee.

I clear my throat just as he begins to speak, and that causes me to cough, which in turn has David slapping my back hard.

“Didn’t expect you to be all choked up over Bells getting married, Leo.” He looks around the room. “Where is Nick anyway?”

“He ahh… He left a few minutes ago. Can’t be far.” I smile.

“And you? You all right?”

Shit! He fucking sits down next to me, dammit.

“Pretty good. I can’t complain.” I nod in Lil’s direction. “Feel a whole fuck of a lot better in a couple months though.”

David’s arm crooks around my neck before he pulls my head towards his and whispers, “Son, don’t you know it’s illegal to cuss in the Lord’s house?”

If this man had any idea that what the fuck he just said was indeed something I knew. Because not only my firecracker, but my Livvybell as well, made damn sure I knew just minutes ago.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that? Everyone knows that s-h-i-t, Leo.”

My eyebrows shoot up at hearing him spell ‘shit’ out. I sigh.”Yes, sir. You’re right. And I did know that.” I drag a hand down my face before sitting back and trying to relax with David so close to…well, me and the proximity of my fucking physical well-being.

I watch Lil as she leaves Bella in ‘Lise’s and Katie’s hands to make her way over to us. She hugs her daddy around her pregnant belly. “Hey, Daddy. How’ve you and Mom been?”

“We’re good, sweet pea.” He smiles and it reaches his eyes. “You look beautiful, Lil.” He nods towards Bella. “Bella… Goodness gracious.” He shakes his head. “When the hell did she get so big?”

Lil and I exchange looks, but before we can say anything, Livvy has a finger pointing and shaking it at him. “Now, Paps, you knowed you not post to be bein’ iweegaw! My daddy knows that. My momma knows that. Don’t cha know no better den Untle Nicky, Paps?”

Laughter splits through the room, down the halls, and into the sanctuary where my wife, Lil, will give her daughter away with Nick standing there beside her.