Holding Her in Madness (13 page)

Yes, my face has the biggest damn smile across it. I’m sure it’s red from laughing so hard.

“Finished laughing at my expense?” She shoves her pitcher at my chest.

The smile slides straight off my face.

“Wha—? No, no... That’s... Pssh, no. I wasn’t laughing at you. Come on in.” I nod my head and open my door wider but she hesitates. “You don’t have to. I’m just gonna fill this up.”

I’m at the sink filling up her pitcher when I hear her ask, “You know there’s someone passed out on your couch? Snoring.”

I get the pitcher filled and turn around to see Annalise kicking Josh’s boot. He does some snort-snort snore thing then falls right back into his snoring rhythm. Annalise bursts out laughing and doubles over with her hand cupped over her mouth and pinching her nose. It doesn’t help keep her snort in though at all.

If anything, it worsens it, and my eyes widen and my jaw drops. “Did you just fuckin’ snort?”

She puts her finger over her mouth and laughs a “Shh” around it. Then she whispers, “Come on. I’ll make us some tea.”

She grabs the pitcher from me and I follow her inside her apartment. It looks just like mine does of course, except her couch has flowers all over it and her apartment smells...well, like a home.

She has a few scented candles lit here and there even though she has boxes stacked in every corner. “Just move all that shit off the couch. It doesn’t matter where. I’m not organized at all.”

“‘Kay, you gotta lot of shit. Like a whole lotta shit. Did you move out of a bigger house or something?”

“Ah... Yeah, I did. But that’s pretty much all I’m ever going to share with you, neighbor. Sorry, but I’m not the type to spill my heart and painful past. I left that shit behind, and I’m here now. I live in the present. Period.”

I get all the shit moved off the couch and sit down facing her in the kitchen while she flits around with a kettle, tea bags, and the stove. “Didn’t fucking ask about your past, did I, princess?”

“Wha—” Her head pops up and her long bangs are hanging down in front of her eyes. She blows them out of her face and stands there with a dumbstruck look before she says quietly, “Well, no. I guess you didn’t.”

“Right. So now that we cleared that up, what do you do on the weekends? My cousin, Josh, just moved in today. I’ve been here about six months and haven’t met anybody or seen a damn thing to do in this town. You from here?”

She shakes her head while washing her hands. Then she dries them and walks towards the couch to sit down on the other end, curling her feet underneath her.

“Nope, not from here. Not from anywhere near here actually.” She keeps her head down and pulls at a thread on the couch.

“More past shit, right? It’s okay. I get it.”

Her eyes peek up at me through her dark hair and she nods. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“No problem.”

Silence falls between us, and it isn’t a calming silence. It’s weird and more than I’m ready to handle at this point in my life.

I stand up, ready to get out of this awkward-ass situation. “Well, thanks for the tea offer but we just drove back. It was a long-ass drive too. I need to hit the hay. Got work tomorrow morning—early.”

“Oh, okay. Well...” She stands up and follows me to the door. Both our hands meet at the doorknob at the same time but she blushes and yanks hers back. “Well, it was nice to meet you, Leo.”

I walk out and open my door then look back over my shoulder.

“Nice to meet you too, Annalise. I’ll see you around.”

We smile before closing our doors.

“Fuck that was just...fuckin’ weird all the way around.” I shake my head as I lock the front door then head towards my bathroom.

After I shower and get in bed, it’s only seven thirty, but I’m so fucking emotionally exhausted that it’s weighing down on my body, making it feel like it’s midnight.

I can’t keep my mind from going back to Lil if I wanted to. I just keep seeing flashes of who she was last summer…

Her in the pond.

Her at the lake.

Her in my room or at Josh’s house running it like it was her own.

Then I think back to the woman I saw last night.

It fucking kills me every time.

I close my eyes and one second I see my firecracker. Another second flashes and I see the carved-out shell of her that I saw last night.

I can’t take this shit, but there isn’t a damn thing I can fucking do about it.

After Josh gets settled into Lake Charles, it doesn’t take him long to get a job with Gramps or get himself some new friends.

Shit, his social life is a rave party compared to mine. I’m trying to keep on the straight and narrow, but son of a bitch, it is hard as hell sometimes.

It’s even harder when I get word from Jason that Lil is dating some pussy named Wes.

“What the fuck do you mean she’s happy, Jason? Are you telling me she hasn’t been happy for over a year? When I saw her three months ago, she looked okay. Thin as fuck, but she seemed fine to me.”

“What the fuck, Leo? The only reason I’m still calling you every Sunday is because you said you’d keep your ass in LC and the hell away from Lil.”

“I was in fucking town!” I lie through my teeth, “And I didn’t try to find her, I practically ran into her!”

Okay, so that’s also a lie. I might have been parked a few houses down from her house...for over eight hours before she and her mom came out of the house and got in her mom’s car and then drove to the mall. And I might or might not have followed them...for two hours in the mall.

“I’m just saying that Wes is a really cool guy, and Lil really likes him. She just seems happy. She laughs, takes Allen with them sometimes to the go-kart track. That’s all I really know, dude.”

“FUCK!” I’m fucking seething pissed. “Fine. I gotta go, man.”

“You want me to call you next Sunday?”

“Yeah...” It comes out sounding like the tired sigh of a man giving up. “No. No, Jason, I don’t. I don’t fucking care anymore.”

“All right, dude. I’ll talk to you when I talk to you.”

“Yeah. Bye, man.” I hang up and just sink back into my mattress. I feel tears stinging my eyes and cut that shit off by shoving my thumb and forefinger into my eyeballs.

“Fuck you, Lil. Fucking bitch.”

I don’t know why I haven’t moved on from Lil. Her fucking claws were sunk so damn deep in me. I knew I’d let that bitch underneath my skin. I just didn’t know it was going to take a fucking year and a half to shake her off. I fucking hate her.

I hate her bitch ass for everything she’s put me through, for giving me hope that she still loved me, for letting me think she was hurting as much as I was all this time.

All she needed to do was fucking wait until she turned eighteen. I was coming back for her.

I’m not now, that’s for fuck sure.

“Fucking hate you, bitch. You’re done? Nuh uh. I’m fucking done.” I don’t even realize I started crying until I feel the tears slide down the side of my face and into my hair, along my scalp. “Now I’m crying like a fucking pussy!” I growl.

I jump up and get in the shower before the water has time to warm up. Don’t fucking ask me why. I couldn’t tell you if you held a gun to my head. I beat off one last time thinking of my firecracker. The curve of her neck right before she comes. Her husky laugh after. Her hair a golden curtain making a bubble around us as she rides me as hard and fast as her little hips can.

Her goddamn mouth. Fuck, I want that mouth around my cock. I had plans for that mouth. My come hits the water right before reality smacks me across the face.

I had plans for that girl. Fuck. “I had plans for you, firecracker.” The coarse sob that bounces off the tile bathroom walls makes me feel like a little bitch. I gotta get over this gut-wrenching pain that’s shredding my chest to ribbons.

After I’ve gotten a semi hold on my emotions, I step out of the shower and wipe the condensation off the mirror. My attention gets snagged on my reflection. I feel hate and rage growing, unfolding inside me, and blanketing the pain. Snuffing out the ache.

Before I can stop myself, I’ve grabbed the clippers and shaved my head to the skull. I toss the shears into the sink, leaving the six to eight inches of blond hair scattered across the floor, counter, and sink.

“Fuck you, firecracker. Fuck...YOU!” I growl at my reflection before stalking into my room.

I’ve pulled a t-shirt and some blue jeans on when I hear Josh come in the front door of the apartment. “Josh?”

“What’s up, dude? WHOA!” He stops as soon as he sees me, eyes wide as hell. “What the fuck did you do?”

“Don’t fucking worry about it. You goin’ out tonight?” I grunt, shoving my feet into my boots.

“Hell yeah I am. Pitchers of Bud Light are only two bucks at Pandora’s.”

“The fuck is Pandora’s?” I grab up my keys and a pack of cigarettes.

“It’s that titty bar off I-90.”

“Seriously, Josh?” I stalk from my room, heading to the fridge and grab a beer. “That’s where you’ve been hanging out? A strip joint off I-90?” I turn the bottle of beer up, draining its contents.

“Shit yeah! You can get anything you fucking want there, dude. The ass there is subpar, but there are a few eights, maybe a nine here and there.”

“Wow, I can’t even believe I’m listening to your ass. Much less willing to go.” I push away from the kitchen counter, running a hand over my stubby head. “You driving, bitch?”

“Yeah, I’ll drive.

We pull up into a parking lot of a building that I am certain hasn’t been open in decades. There’s no sign, no windows. Just a front door that’s barely hanging on its hinges. I start laughing as Josh goes to get out of the car.

“What? What’s so funny?” I laugh harder because he’s fucking serious. “What the fuck are you laughing at, asshole? I told you it wasn’t anything special.”

Still laughing, I pull myself out of the car. “No, dude... You said the ass was subpar. You didn’t say the entire establishment was a shithole.”

“Hey, come on. Don’t judge a book by its cover. You’re just pissed because you got cancer and all your hair fell out.”

I kick at his foot mid stride, making him trip and land flat on his face. Stepping past him, I tell him over my shoulder, “Fuck you, prick. I got a haircut. And I guarantee I’ll pull more ass than you sportin’ this skull cut.”

Once I’m inside, it takes a second for my eyes to adjust to the dim lights. I spot a booth off to the side and head in that direction.

Josh nods my way before heading to the bar. Before my ass connects with the booth’s low-hanging seat, a cocktail waitress is leaned over the table and in my face. “Whatcha want, handsome?”

“Nothing, I’m good. Thanks though, doll. My boy is at the bar grabbing a pitcher.” She’s okay looking but definitely not something I’d touch with a ten-foot pole.

“What about anything besides something to drink?” She straddles my waist, but before her ass can meet my lap, my hands shoot out. Grabbing her by waist, I roughly jerk her off me.

“Like I fucking told you the first time, I’m good, ‘kay? Go find someone else to fuck with”—l look at her name tag—”Cherry.”

“Fine, you fucking asshole.” She stomps off, nearly running into Josh carrying a pitcher and two frosty mugs.

“You pissin’ them off already? Jesus Christ, Leo. I’ll do you a favor. You get first dibs... Because you really need some pussy, but mainly because you also need to pipe the fuck down.” Josh fills both our mugs with beer and we clink them together. “Oh, shit. I’ll be right back. Gotta go talk to Brandon real quick. You good?” He asks.

“Yeah, Josh. Don’t need you holding my hand, dude. This ain’t my first time at a strip club.” I gulp down half my beer in one swig as Josh heads behind the stage area.

The DJ starts some remix of ‘80s jams.

When the stage lights up, I’m excited to see a nice seven strut out onto it. Maybe this place isn’t so bad.

After two or three dancers do their routine—if that’s what you can call it—Josh heads back to our table with a shit-eating grin across his face. “What the fuck did you do?” He slides a pack of cigarettes across the table and it lands in my lap. “Josh, I have a pack of cigarettes. Wha—”

“Shh... Just shut the fuck up, dude. It’s Vicodin. I know you love your Dilaudid, but that shits just as good.”

“Josh, it took me a fucking month of hell to detox myself off that shit. I’m not fucking going through that again.” I slide the pack back across the table, but he only slides it right back.

“You need a chill pill, Leo. Seriously. I can’t fucking take your depressed ass for much longer. I got an endless supply of that shit. Just don’t go balls to the wall with it like you did the other shit. Keep your handle on it and you’ll be fine.”

To keep from playing ping-pong with the asshole, I slide the pack in my back pocket.

A solid eight comes up to our table. “Boys, y’all need anything?”

“Why yes, Candy. How did you know?” Josh asks then winks at her.

“Oh, you know… It’s just my sick sense.”

I clear my throat and lean forward to correct her but decide against it when I feel Josh’s boot connect with my shin.

“I bet it is, love. Look, this is Leo, and Leo needs some fun. Poor guy had his heart broken.” He reaches over and pulls Candy into his lap. “Think you can line up some shots for us, sweet tits?”