Holding Her in Madness (15 page)

I don’t want her to stop touching my face. I don’t want her to stop touching me, period.

“I made like an ice mask with what I have. I want the ice to stay on your eyes, nose, and cheeks. That’s where the worst of your swelling is. Are you hurting?” Her voice cracks at the end of her question. I grab her t-shirt and pull her towards me until I can get my hands around her waist and lay her prone body on top of mine.

“I’m much better now, Annalise.” I kiss the top of her head and let my fingers run through her long hair. For a second, I let myself believe it’s Lil. “Just need you to lay with me. Just lay with me, baby.”

You and I both know who I’m talking to.

Sometimes you have to lie to your own face.

Sometimes, when your own reality hurts so fucking bad, for so goddamn long, you have no other choice but to numb it with lies and vices that, in the end, leave will only leave you ruined.

However, sometimes…when you find yourself at this decision, it’s either vices and lies or your own fucking sanity.

I’ve been broken, shredded, yet still I loved. For a year and a half, I loved devotedly and still believed in what I loved. Still believed Lil and I would get back to where we were.

I can be broken and shredded. But I cannot remain sane, broken, shredded, and hopeless.

So I lie.

“I’ll stay, Leo. I’m here.” Her lips brush my jaw and her fingers run over my shaven head.

Later that night, I wake up and feel a sleeping, warm female body curled up to me. In my mind and in my heart, every ounce of pain that I’ve carried for so fucking long immediately dissipates.

I run my fingertips down her arms before curling mine around her waist and pushing her back against the bed. Her arms slide up around my neck as my split lips kiss and suck the skin of her neck into my mouth before grazing my teeth against it.

My mouth is behind her ear as my right hand slides down her front and into her boxers.

My girl never covers it up with panties. Fuck, I love her.

She’s so wet that she’s fucking drenched. I slide a finger deep inside her and my thumb circles her clit. Through gritted teeth, I grunt, “Fuck, Lil. I’ve wanted you for so goddamn long, baby. So fucking long.”

As soon as the word ‘Fuck’ leaves my mouth, she moans.

Then my thumb hits a clit ring.

By the time all this registers and processes through my brain, I’ve finished my sentence. And frozen in place.

“Please, please don’t stop, Leo.” Annalise wraps her legs around my forearm and rocks her hips, moving harder and faster against my palm.

“Fuck.” I slide another finger inside her and rub my thumb faster against her clit.

I’ve never played with a clit ring before. Apparently this motherfucker is a mighty helper in my favor because in less than five seconds she has my boxers around my knees and strong grip on my now semi-hard cock. Her screams are shattering the quiet apartment and her pussy is clamping down around my knuckles.

She pulls my fingers from her and she swipes her cum off then wraps her cum-soaked hand back around me.

Her cum is still hot, and fuck, it’s slick as wet silk. “Don’t pull away from me,” she whispers, looking up at me with begging eyes.

My semi-hard cock is not semi anymore. Annalise has me so hard I can hardly breathe. She also has me on my back and balls fucking deep before I can blink.

And… Fuck. You.

It feels like coming home.

The wrong home, but goddammit, it’s a home.

She rips the words from my chest. “Fucking Christ!” Her nails score my scalp before running down my neck, scraping over my shoulders, and sinking into my chest. Then the gates of Heaven open and this beautiful fucking woman rides me like she owns me. My hands grab her tits and I pull and twist her nipples between my fingers.

I sit up and slide my calves under my ass for leverage while pulling her by my hands full of her ass down harder onto my cock, sucking a nipple deep into my mouth.

The sound of her wet pussy slamming against my lap and her moans have me biting down around on her swollen nipple before groaning against it then laving the teeth marks left behind.

I move a hand from her ass to her clit and tug on her clit ring.

I’m testing the waters. Like I said… This is new for me.

Aaaaannnnd pretty fucking awesome, because that tug has her falling over the precipice. Her pussy contracts around my cock like a fucking warm, wet, tight goddamn glove.

And as much as I want to, as hard as I try…I fucking can’t.

I can’t get my release, which is absolutely fucking absurd.

I’m fucking so pissed I’m seeing red.

Shit, it’s been a year and a half!

Fuck this. And fuck her. I will, goddamn it! I will get my release.

I yank Annalise off me and throw her ass on the bed. Somewhere I hear a vague voice say not to take it out on her. On Annalise. But I don’t see anyone else in the room.

My hands circle her ankles and jerk her to the side of the bed, lifting her legs so her feet are on my shoulders. I grab her waist and slam into her over and over. When I feel her pussy start to clamp down on my cock again, something inside me snaps. I stab into her harder.

I want so badly to fuck Lil away. I want her fucking gone.

She never even loved me.

I wrap my hands around her neck, ready to kill her.

She never once loved me.

I stare into her navy eyes and watch the fear creep into them.

I cannot love what doesn’t exist.

If she’s dead, then I am free.

My grip tightens as my cum floods inside her.

I fall on top of her, roll over, and commence crying into my pillow.

Sobs rack the entire frame of my body. A shuddering whisper dislodges from my throat. “You never even fucking loved me!”

I feel delicate hands softly rubbing my back and shoulders. I feel kisses whisper across my back.

Annalise wraps her body around mine. She brushes kisses from shoulder to shoulder, raining tears along the way. Her wet mouth settles between my shoulder blades as her tears stream down my back in rivers.

She whispers in the dark against my skin, “Leo, I’ll never be her. But I swear I’ll be everything else…if you let me. I’ll be anything you need me to be, baby.”

She’s not what I need.

But I can try like hell to make her be what I need.

You can learn to love someone… It just takes time.

And I got all the time in the world.

In the last few months, I’ve done exactly what you expected me to.

Again, like I said. Fuck. You.

I’m fighting for my fucking sanity here. Vices and lies, bitches. Write that shit down.

Thankfully, I did get my ass out of trouble a couple months back with Gramps. That motherfucker was not bullshitting when he said Monday through Friday. He almost sent my ass packing back to Grands.

Which is obviously NOT good for me. At all. So I quickly learned a routine for my Vicodin. ‘Get through the day’ days and ‘Let’s get fucking numb, dammit!’ days. The latter being Friday night through Sunday.

Annalise is… Fuck, she’s perfect. Funny as hell. Smartest woman I’ve ever met. And she puts up with my shit—even though she doesn’t know my shit, if you catch my drift.

Shit. She fucking loves me. Honest to God loves me. I didn’t do a damn fucking thing to deserve it. Other than fuck her sexy little freaky ass. *Coughs* Pun intended.

A sadistic switch inside me was flipped the first time Annalise and I had sex. I don’t know how long it’s been there waiting to be flipped, and I can’t tell you if it would have ever happened had I not lost Lil. But the switch was flipped either way.

I do know that it’s sick, that it’s immoral, and that it’s fucked up. However, Annalise doesn’t judge me because of it. She loves me…even though I have become the monster I am.

It’s Friday night and Annalise has a surprise date planned out for me. I’m almost a thousand percent sure she wants to have a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting about our relationship. I mean, fuck, a guy can only dodge this bullet for so long. The fact that Annalise let me get away with it for almost six months… Well, like I said. A thousand percent sure.

Lucky for me, it’s Friday, AKA ‘Let’s get fucking numb, dammit!’ day. I’ve already taken my regular ‘get through the day’ dose of six Vicodin at noon. So instead of waiting to take four at bedtime, I chew up six more on my way home, swishing the pill chunks from my teeth with a new fifth of vodka I keep hidden under my driver’s seat.

I crank up the volume on my stereo, trying to jam to the song that’s on the station.

Until I hear the lyrics yapping about how if I love a woman, I’ll tell her that she’s really wanted. Once I hear the guy say I’ll let her hold me until I know how she needs to be touched, that I’ll see my unborn children in her eyes, I fucking push my cassette tape in.

Rock some damn Nate Dogg and Warren G… Regulators. Mount Up.

I polish off half the fifth of vodka before I pull into my parking spot.

Shit. Did I take my Vicodin already? I don’t remember taking it.

Usually as soon as I get in my car on Friday I pop my norm… six.

Fuck, I didn’t. I was too wrapped up in this shit I have to deal with where Annalise is concerned. AND there was that whiny-ass fucker on the radio, Bryan Adams! That pussy dude derailed my attention and I fucking forgot.

I pull the cigarette pack out of my glove compartment, kind of sense some déjà vu, but ignore it. There are way too many déjà vu moments in my life to study a random one.

I chew up six Vicodin, pulling a mouthful of vodka from my half-empty fifth.

This must be yesterday’s fifth.

Hell, it takes me less than twenty minutes to get home. I know I didn’t drink that much in twenty minutes.

Fuck it!

I walk into my apartment. Josh left the damn door wide open. “Josh? Why’s the fucking front door open, asshole?” Instantly I hear a headboard slamming against a wall coming from his side of the apartment. “I’m out!” I yell, but it does no good. Headboard rhythm never misses a beat.

I rap my knuckles on Annalise’s door before walking in.

She has her dining room table set up with plates on top of plates and a whole lotta forks and spoons around said plates. Candles—you know, the tall, skinny ones—are lined up around each other in the center of the table.

Fuck, the place smells good enough to eat.

Still haven’t seen my girl yet though. “‘Lise?”

“I’m back here, babe. Give me two seconds and I’ll be right out. I bought you a twelve-pack of Bud Light. There’re two in the freezer. I know how hot it was today,” she says from the back of the apartment. Either in her room or bathroom.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I mouth as I make my way to her freezer. Everything about this girl and how much she does for me still surprises the shit out of me.

I crack open a beer and guzzle it down before tossing into the trash and grabbing the second one from the freezer.

I should be ashamed that I let her do all this shit for me, dote on me all the time without ever doing a damn thing for her.

I should…but I’m not. I don’t ask her to do this shit. She just does it. Who am I to tell her no?

She comes out of her room in a dress that would honestly cripple a lesser man. Her beauty is fucking unparalleled. Her long, dark blond hair is in loose curls all the way down her back. Her red pouty lips in a sad little smile. Navy eyes sparkling… Sparkle.

I’m no damn poet. I do, however, know enough to say that Annalise should bring me to my knees.

Should…but has yet to do so.

“Hey, babe. What’s going on?” I lean in and brush my lips against hers. “You look beautiful. Mmm, smell good as fuck too.”

She smiles up at me, her dark blue eyes glistening with unshed tears.

Fuck! This is gonna suck.

“Thank you. I made some roasted chicken, new potatoes, and some vegetable medley. Go sit down. I’ll make you a plate.”

“‘Kay.” I kiss the top of her head lightly and make my way to the table. “So what’s all this for anyway?”

Before I can sit down, the room spins. I have to reach out and grab the table before I fall down. My hand knocks over a few candles and sends plates and silverware crashing to the floor. When I end up falling, I barely make it into the chair.