Holding Her in Madness (19 page)

As soon as my hand grips her hip, she yelps around the spoon in her mouth and drops the other spoon in the cookie dough bowl. “Whatcha doin’, Lise?” I nip at her neck before trailing kisses up to her ear.

In a breathy whisper, she replies, “Making cookies. I wanted to have some cookies made for when you got home.” She turns around and slides her hands up my chest. Once they get to my shoulders, she pulls the spoon out of her mouth and smiles. My little Sparkle is VERY fucking happy. “Hey. I missed you. I’m glad you’re back.”

She leans up on her tiptoes and kisses me hungrily, rough. It causes to me growl. I grip my hands on her hips and yank her off me before she scales up my body like she usually does.

I set her a good foot away from me and stare into her navy blue eyes. “‘Lise, I got a few things to say, but before I say ‘em, I have to ask you something. Something a little important. Depending on your answer, there may be a lotta shit that’s about to change.” Her eyes haven’t left mine, and she hasn’t seen the ring box in my left hand yet.

I kneel down on both my knees, because fuck, I don’t remember anyone telling me which knee a guy is supposed to kneel on. ‘Lise looks confused as fucking hell, and I chuckle.

“Shit. Are you too fucking high to stand up?” She goes to pull me up. “Come on, Leo. Let’s just talk and answer questions tomorrow, okay? I knew whatever you were going there for was going to be hard for you.”

A burst of laughter comes from me, and ‘Lise stops her attempts to get me off the floor. “No, no, ‘Lise, I’m not fucking stoned. I promise. You think you can quit for a second? You’re kinda fucking this whole proposal thing up, babe.”

Her hands fly to her mouth as soon as the word proposal registers and her eyes latch on the box I’m holding. “Leo, what the fuck are you doing?” Tears immediately begin falling from her eyes, streaming down her beautiful face.

I open the ring box and her eyes glance down at the ring then fly back up to mine. “My question. I’m asking my question. Annalise, I want you to be my home. I need you to be my wife. Annalise, please… Marry me?” My voice cracks, the question sounding just as uncertain as I am feeling about asking it.

I don’t really see any other choice.

I’ll always love Lil.

And I really do like ‘Lise.

And if I can’t have the life I really want with my firecracker, then I want one with my Sparkle.

But with her being mine and my Sparkle alone. That stripping shit is about to come to a fucking stop. If she says yes, that is.

“Leo, why are you asking me this? Do you even love me?”

Shit! She’s fucking crying her eyes out! What the fuck?

“Lil, I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t mean it.”

She storms off towards her room. I lean back until I fall against the floor, shoving the heels of both my hands into my eye sockets. The sigh begins as just a deep exhale but ends as a pissed-off growl.

Fucking seriously? I spent four thousand dollars on that goddamn ring! The fuck?

I hear her stomping back towards me then feel a pile of clothes and boots and shit land on my chest. “Babe? What the hell are you fucking doin’? If you don’t want to fuckin’ marry me, then just say ‘No,’ goddamn it!”

“You fucking called me Lil!” Her foot slams into my gut then the side of my head.

I’m in her fucking face a split second later, shoving my finger against her chest.

“No, I fucking DID NOT! When? When did I fucking call you Lil?”

I’m nose to nose in her damn face.

She shoves her finger against my forehead. “You fucking SAID “Lil, I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t mean it.”

“Gahhhhh, dammit! I’m fucking sorry! What the fuck do you want me to say? I just had to fucking sit there and watch her marry some fucking sniveling, rich bastard! I spent this entire weekend doing nothing but talking myself into believing what I was having to witness! Once I had my mind somewhat wrapped around the shit that I
NEVER
thought I would see
—
Lil, fucking knocked up, marrying someone who
IS NOT ME
!
—
I sat in a
FUCKING
shitty motel parking lot with some homeless dude named Richard and then, only then, did it hit me that the only person in my life that I want to be by my side, forever, is you…” Tears blur my vision as agony slices through my heart. “I can’t fuckin’ win.”

I snatch my clothes up from the floor and walk out of her apartment, slamming her door shut and shouldering my way into my front door. Josh is sitting on the couch flipping through channels on the TV.

“Goddamn, man. You all right? Fucking heard that shit all the way over here.”

“I’m fine. Fucking leave me alone.” I slam my bedroom door shut, toss all my shit on the floor, and then self medicate with ten Vicodin. I grab a full fifth of vodka before making my way to my bathroom and turning on the shower.

I guzzle the warm vodka past the neck of the bottle, strip, and then take a shower, staying under the warm spray until I feel my pills kick in.

“Fuck this shit. Fuck this whole piece-of-shit life.”

I’m so fucking done, so over it.

I spend the next few weeks out of my fucking mind. I take more Vicodin every day and I chase them with even more vodka.

I never see Annalise, not once… For a whole fucking month.

And either on a Saturday or maybe a Tuesday in the second month without Annalise, I swallowed over seventy Vicodin in six hours.

That was the best fuckin’ day of my goddamn life.

Was also the last day of my goddamn life. Either way…it was a good fucking day.

Annalise

None of this was supposed to happen. None of it. I don’t even know where I let everything go wrong. I was doing good. I… Okay, so I wasn’t doing good, but I was at least on the right path. One without drama. All I had to do was keep to myself and earn enough money in this tiny town to be able move out to one that had a good nursing school so I could to start my real life over.

Where no one knew who Annalise Taylor was, where she came from, or how much she’d messed up everything for so many people.

I’m so far away from that now that I don’t know if I’ll ever get there. And until all this happened, in those two months I’d stayed away from Leo, I worked every night, picked up any extra shifts I could. I was close… I was really so to succeeding in my plan until the night Josh banged on my door, screaming for help in the middle of the night.

A shudder skates up my spine when I think back to that night, when I remember seeing Leo’s lifeless body sprawled out across his bed. It was obvious that he’d been like that for a while. The vomit was dried on the sheets and clumped in his hair.

I was shocked when I found a weak, thready pulse and even more shocked that, three days later, he was still alive. I haven’t left his side once. Josh brought all my clothes and toiletries up to the hospital so I wouldn’t have to leave.

That was almost three months ago.

In the beginning, they
—
the doctors and nurses
—
thought that the coma he’d slipped into could be a blessing. It would allow him to physically detox. The emotional detox would still be difficult but less painful than the alternative.

After a month and a half though, their ‘blessing’ talk turned less promising, the prognosis becoming more dire. Now, instead of small smiles and reassuring nods, all I seem to get are sad frowns and subtle head shakes.

Leo’s parents were here the first week, but they had to leave because of their other children’s needs and of course their jobs. I told them I would keep them notified of any change.

But the only change in Leo’s health has been nothing except his increasing weight loss.

I lace my fingers in his and squeeze. I’ve done well holding back the tears, and I give the credit to the constant pulse monitor’s beeping. The drone pattern insanely enough is actually comforting to me. It’s the only comfort I have, that I’ve had for months.

I lay my head on his shoulder and run my fingers through his growing silky dark blond hair. It’s almost as long as the first time I saw him. I love it. “It’s getting long, like when we met. I like it.” I kiss his hollow, gaunt cheek, pulling back when the nurse walks in.

“Well hey, Ms.’Lise. How are you doin’ this morning, angel?”

I smile up at her. “I’m good, Ms. Joyce.” I nod at Leo. “He had a good night. He seemed to rest well. The monitors stayed level and didn’t start acting crazy like they do when he starts twitching on his bad nights. So I’d say I’m good.”

“Woman, I just don’t see how you do it. You know we’ll take care of him even if you leave to get some coffee or, hell, child, some fresh air. Go on, girl. Get outta these four walls for a day or two. He’ll be fine.” She chuckles, “He ain’t goin’ nowhere. I can promise you that.”

“Ms. Joyce, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. There’s nowhere else I have to be. I can’t leave him.” Brushing my fingers through his hair again, I whisper, “None of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t let him leave me before.”

I know it’s the truth, too. How many times did I tell him that I didn’t care if he couldn’t love me? That I would love him enough for the both of us? How many times did I let it slide when he called out for Lil not only in his sleep, but while making love to me?

I walked into our relationship with my eyes wide shut, knowing full well that I was falling in love with a man who could never love me in return. Knowing that I couldn’t leave his side because every other person who told Leo they loved him had left him, time after time.

I knew I had to be the one to break that cycle. Instead, I did what I always do
—
I failed him.

And I will never fail him again. It will have the entire world calling me a pushover. A moron. A self-destructive idiot. But I could care less. I don’t love them. I love Leo. And even if it kills me, I’ll never leave his side again. Never.

“Ms. ‘Lise, he get his bed bath and linen changed last night?”

“Yes, ma’am. I did it right before we went to bed.”

Ms. Joyce nudged me and pointed towards the door. “Go on and grab you a bite from the cafeteria, love. I’ll do my assessment and be done by the time you get back.”

“Wait, I want to be here when you check his weight.”

Ms. Joyce shakes her head, but I turn around and flip through his chart real quick to scan his daily weight sheet.

Shit! He started out at two hundred and twenty-one pounds. Last week he was one hundred and fifty-four.

“You know knowing doesn’t help you or him, right?”

“Ms. Joyce. Yes, okay, of course I know that. I just… Just please tell me.”

After she hits the buttons on the bed to zero it out then the weigh button, I see the number ‘147’ flash in red. Without saying a word, I turn and walk from Leo’s room.

I feel my mind fold information up that I fully understand the severity of and tuck it away, compartmentalizing it. I can’t think about it today. It doesn’t do me any good at all. I’ll think about it when I come to cross that bridge
—
if I ever get to that bridge…

I’m sitting in the cafeteria, staring into my coffee when Josh’s little brother Jason’s voice echoes in my mind, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Congrats, man. I know how happy y’all must be. Wow, a little girl, huh?” Jason slaps some tall guy on the shoulder. His hair is black as night. He’s got a smile from ear to ear, and pride is spilling from his pores.

I immediately feel so happy that I’ve gotten to witness this. I don’t know this man, but the small glimpse I get into his life shows that there are good things happening in the world. This glimpse I catch of a man’s happy moment has me smiling before I look back down, embarrassed that I’m leeching off others’ happy moments but thankful I wasn’t caught doing it.

“I know, Jas. I’m telling you, man. If not for her hair, I’d say the only person that had anything to do with making her was Lillian. She looks exactly like her. You been up to see Lil and Bella yet?”

Dread, stark, ice-cold, and hateful dread seizes every molecule of blood in my veins.

“Yeah, she’d love that. We’re in room 349.” The new daddy waves before leaving the cafeteria.

She’s here. In this hospital. She is here, in this hospital, and she’s just had a baby girl.

In this hospital, the same one that Leo has been in a coma in for over three months because of what she continued
—
continues
—
to put him through?

I’m out of my seat and running to the nearest restroom before losing my coffee in a trash bin.