Holding Her in Madness (20 page)

It’s once I look up into the mirror at my reflection, with the water I splashed running down my face, that the tears I’ve held back for so long run down too. None of this was supposed to happen.

Why did he keep going back? Why did he keep shredding himself over and over again by forcing himself to watch her go on and make a happy life for herself?

Probably for the same sick and twisted reason I was hanging on to the man who was doing it.

Leo and I are both self-tormentors, mine initiated by my guilt from being with Shelton and not being smart enough to ask questions, but also for leaving Adam with the hope that I made the right choice. And of course the guilt that has rendered me immobile from doing anything other than sitting at Leo’s side, the guilt of not being able to keep the promises I made him.

Once I’m back to his room, I settle into the same chair I’m always in right next to him. I pick up his lifeless hand, set it in mine, and lay my head down next to him on the bed, letting the sounds of the monitors comfort me. I know that these beeping monitors are better than silence.

I close my eyes, just listening, but my thoughts return, trying to find the exact moment everything went wrong.

But I can’t pinpoint it.

When a man is as broken as Leo is and you find yourself in love with him, there are only two choices you really have. One, let him go, accepting that it will either never be or will forever be too hard to fill the void that was left inside him. Or two, you do what I did. You grab on for dear fucking life, understanding that it will forever be too hard but accepting it and welcoming the challenge.

The one thing that you never do is the exact thing I did the last night we spoke, the night we fought. You never let go after you’ve grabbed on for dear fucking life… Never.

I know that now. I just pray he’ll wake up so I can fix this mess I’ve made.

Annalise

Someone started by trying to nudge me awake and now they’re shaking me. I give up on the happy dream I’m in and wake up, coming face to face with Josh.

“Hey, babe. How’s he doin’?” His head jerks towards Leo.

He had a shit night. He was in and out of jerky movements. At one point, I was sure he was seizing, but the doctor and nurses said it was just spasms. Spasms that they can’t explain though, and that pisses me off. I finish brushing my teeth before changing into some blue jeans and a sweater then walk back out into Leo’s room.

“It was bad, Josh. I think it’s the worst one. Well…you know, since the nights he had in the first month. No one has any answers either. If they do, they aren’t telling me.” I shrug and feel my chin begin to quiver.

The words spill out in a rushed, harsh whisper. “Josh, she’s here…” My tears begin to fall like the flood gates have finally opened up, and there is no stopping them now. “I…I…I saw h-h-her h-h-husband downstairs…”

I feel Josh’s arm wrap around me and let myself absorb the comfort of human contact that I’ve neglected myself for so long. “Shhh… Hey, come on, kid. It’s not all that bad.”

I pull back, scoffing at him. “He’s in a fucking coma, Josh! And she’s down the hall spitting out bundles of black hair and pink!”

“Oh, well… I mean, yeah, if you put it like that, it does seem really shitty. But what I’m saying is, it isn’t her fault, Spar. She has no idea how deep and, quite frankly, insane, sick, twisted, and completely fucked up his feelings for her are. She hasn’t seen him once, Spar. Not once. Did you know that she thinks he just took off and left her four years ago? That’s what she was told, and for four years, that’s all she’s believed.”

I’m so pissed I’m shaking, but I don’t know what or who I’m so angry at. I was doing just fine blaming it on some bitch named Lil I’d never met. That was working very well for me. Then all this happened, Leo OD’d, and I was pissed at him for doing the one thing I always knew he would do.

Now, I can only be pissed at myself. Because I knew. I always knew he wouldn’t stop until it was too late.

“Spar, you can’t hate her. Not when she doesn’t know. So what she spit out a kid? So what? She’s married. It’s Leo that has put Leo where he is, not her.”

“No, I let this happen. I don’t hate her. I just wished she never existed.” I look up at Josh. “That is a terrible thing to say, isn’t it? I’m sorry. But I do.”

“Spar—”

“And stop calling me that! I’m not Spar. Or Sparkle, okay? I hate when you call me that, Josh.”

His hands fly up in mock surrender. “Okay, okay. Won’t happen again.” I look back up at him when his hands grab the tops of both my arms. “‘Lise, he will leave you. The first chance he gets with Lil, he will leave you. You know that, don’t you?”

I nod, and it causes the threatening tears to fall.

“He’ll take everything you have to give. He’ll take and take and take, and when it’s finally time, when he’s able to, he will walk away from you and never look back. He’ll leave you and go to her.”

I close my eyes and feel warm tears slide down my face. I gather in a huge, deep breath before opening my eyes to look back into his. “Josh, I’ve known that from the very beginning. I came to terms with that much longer ago than you’ll ever know. But, that’s my albatross now, isn’t it?”

“You’ll just let him?” This is the first time I’ve seen Josh serious—ever. I’m a little taken aback by his genuine concern. “And when it happens, Annalise, then what? For you I mean. Then what will you do?”

“I’ll walk away. No… I’ll run away. And I’ll never come back.”

A moan from Leo shatters my staring contest with Josh. I’m at his side a split second later, pushing the call bell and brushing his hair back away from his face. “Shh… Hey, I’m here. I’m here. You’re fine, Leo.” His hands are twisting in the sheets, his back is bowing up off the bed, and his neck is contorted at an awkward angle.

Then he begins thrashing, his entire form seizing so bad it shakes, rattling the heavy hospital bed.

“Josh, hand me my pillow off the couch and go find the nurses quickly.” I grab the pillow from him and set it between Leo’s head and the hospital headboard to stop his head from getting injured while his thrashing continues. “Leo, baby, please calm down… Please.”

His eyes pop open and all I see are his midnight blue irises staring into mine right before the whites of his eyes turn red with every tiny vessel that bursts beneath the surface.

“He’s having a goddamn seizure. I don’t have to have a fucking nursing degree to know this is fucking tonic-clonic grand mal seizure, you assholes!”

“Ms. Taylor, step from the room and allow us to do our jobs, or I’ll have to call security. Do you understand me?”

If I could catch my breath, I would kick this bitch. Josh yanks on my hand and I fall out into the hall.

“Come on, Spar. Get that shit out of your head right now. Killing the nurses won’t help you or him. Let’s go outside and smoke.” He leads me out of the hospital’s front sliding doors and over to a bench off to the side before handing me a cigarette. “Here.”

“Thanks.” I usually don’t smoke, but I’ll take anything to curb my swelling anger.

“Oh fuck.” I glance up at Josh to find his face holding a look like he’s seen a ghost. Then my eyes follow his line of vision.

And it happens. I’ve been so damn strong for so damn long. I’ve accepted my failures yet kept trying, kept getting back up. And I kept continuing to be strong.

I know who she is immediately, I don’t need to see the happy daddy I saw in the cafeteria yesterday. I don’t need to see the baby in her arms with the thick black hair. I know instinctively who she is. I’m honestly not surprised by it either.

Maybe it’s because she’s my arch nemesis. Maybe the reason why is because I truly hate her and I know that she has ruined everything.

Whatever the reasons, I’m not shocked when I instantly recognize Lillian. I am shocked, however, that once I look, really look, I’m shocked at how sorry I feel for her.

When her eyes are on the baby girl in her arms, I see happiness dance with uncertainty on her face. But when I see the same look that Leo has on his face when he looks at me reflecting on her face when she looks at her husband, a vital part of me breaks.

I feel nothing but sympathy for her, and as I watch her packing a few gift bags in the back seat as her husband gets the baby settled in the car seat, I realize that she is just like me, exactly like Leo. We’re all in the same confusing, shitty world trying to make it, trying to figure out where we belong.

“She’s exactly what I always imagined her to be.” I look over at Josh to see him watching me. “Come on, Joshie. Let’s go check on our guy, ‘kay?”

When we make it up to Leo’s hospital room, it’s very quiet and the room is dark. Josh heads towards the nurses’ station, but I keep walking towards Leo’s room. Once I’ve closed the door, that’s when I notice that it isn’t just quiet… It’s silent.

As soon as I’m at Leo’s side, I’m trying to stifle my sob, my hand clasped over my closed mouth, trying to stop its escape, but it’s no use. It still echoes off the bare hospital walls.

His blue-on-red eyes shoot to mine, huge, fat tears leaking from the sides of them. “‘Leeth?”

I fall to my knees at the side of his bed and begin running my trembling hands over any accessible skin I can find. “Shh… Don’t, Leo. Don’t speak. I’m here. I’m here and I’m never leaving again, baby. I swear.”

The tension in his body leaves once his mind seems to process what I’ve said to him. His eyes flutter shut and he releases a huge sigh. I keep petting his hair, his face… I just keep petting him…anywhere I can.

“Leo, look at me, please…” I can’t stay strong any longer. I fall to pieces right there at his side. “Please… I’ve waited for months to see your beautiful eyes again. Please, Leo.”

His eyes open. They’re still heavy and hooded, but they’re open.

“Hey, I’ve missed you.” My words are barely a whisper, and I feel my face crumbling, so I lie my head down next to his. “I thought I’d really lost you this time. I was so scared.”

His groan has me immediately sitting up and wiping my tears away, straightening my face out. I’m trying to get strong enough and cursing myself for acting like I had.

“‘Leeth, not looth meh.” His smile makes his dry lips crack, and he winces. I go to stand up but his frail hand grabs mine, rooting me to my spot. My blue eyes meet, locking on his blue-on-red ones. “Not looth me. Neba looth meh, ‘Leeth.” His hand slips from my arm and he smiles again, cracking his poor dry lips even more, but he seems too tired to notice.

His eyes flutter closed again a few seconds later. As I watch him in the silence, his breathing evens out. Finally, my tight muscles and rigid frame relax. I fall face-first on the two-seater couch and lie there with my head turned facing Leo and do what I’ve done for three months.

I watch the man I love sleep.

Annalise

I could call this last month one of the hardest of my life. I could and I would also get away with doing so.

But when you’ve had months in your life, hits that you take, like I have, this is nothing more than a beautiful struggle.

It’s been over a month since Leo had the seizure that threw him into cardiac arrest, that spurred the doctors to defibrillate and administer enough epinephrine directly into his heart, jarring him from his unconsciousness, slapping him from his drug-overdose-induced coma.

The morning after his seizure, he woke up just like the rest of the world, grunting that he was hungry, and growling when I attempted to step away from his side to shower or use the restroom.

He’d almost chewed his tongue in half during the seizure, so for the first few days, his S’s were shot and his speech was so fat-tongued and slurred that I had to try very hard to keep the grin off my face.

I was so happy having him back, though, that I miserably failed to hide my happiness. But when Josh bounced in that morning asking, “What’s up, pussy?” and Leo responded with, “Thuck my thick, bith,” I couldn’t. I just could not contain it. I was a laughing, snorting hot mess. Giddiness unlike anything I’d felt since I was a little girl skipped through me entirely.