Holding Her in Madness (8 page)

Yeah, that’s where I am at with this girl. Fucking deep shit, right?

Ahh...the inner monologues of a grunge teenage dropout from the wrong side of the tracks with a seedy past, highly questionable morals, no family structure in his household, and of course a hymen-piercing dick
.

Yeah, her dad’s gonna fuckin’ love me. Fuck… I’m gonna fuck this all up, I feel it in my goddamn bones.

It’s Monday morning, and Lil couldn’t hang out this weekend, so I’ve been going stir-crazy since she left me Friday night. When I’m stir-crazy, if I’m not on the phone with her, I’m fucking sketching her. Obsession is a bitch, people. What can I say?

I hear her soft little knock on my door and hop up, shoving all my drawings and pencils and paper in desk drawers and under my bed as quickly as I can. Then I run my fingers through my hair and tuck the long shit behind my ears. My fucking heart feels like a drum in my chest as I reach to open the door.

She looks like she always does—fuckin’ perfect, like an angel. “Hey, firecracker. Come in. It’s a fuckin’ wreck, but...that’s not new.” I laugh, trying to hide my embarrassment from her, then grab her hand and yank her inside.

“It’s quiet. Where is everybody at?” She looks out the back door towards the driveway.
Yep, babe. No cars but mine.

“Oh, they all went out on the boat. Some boat festival thing, like Float-a-palooza or Floatilla. Some weird shit where all the old people get drunk off their asses in bathing suits that are too small and eat burgers and shit. I had to pass. Not really my kinda thing.”

Her giggle snaps my restraint. I scoop her up, one arm under her knees and the other behind her back, spin us around, and then throw her onto my bed before falling on top of her. Her giggle has turned into full-blown squeals, and it’s fucking cute as hell.

“Look beautiful today, baby. You know it?” I whisper against her sweet, soft lips.

“Mmm... I didn’t know that. Not until you told me. Thank you.” Her hands slide into my hair and fist to pull my mouth down to hers, where her hunger for me matches mine kiss for kiss. Her shoes clunk to the floor before she pulls her legs up to wrap around my waist and starts driving me insane, rocking her hips against my growing erection.

“Fuck, baby. You make me crazy as hell. I had some damn plans for today, but if you don’t stop...”

Her teeth bite the skin behind my ear before sucking it hard into her mouth. It shuts my fucking trap from running, and any damn coherent thought I was working on instantly.

All I can do is growl, “Mine,” before biting the top of her shoulder and running my hands down her warm body to unbutton her cut-offs and shove them down her legs. As soon as those bitches are off, I push my knee between her legs and rub it hard against her bare, hot pussy. “Never wearing panties, are ya, baby?
FUCK!
You’re gonna kill me...”

Her hands skate up my shirt until she’s pulling it over my shoulders.

I love her damn hands...

When my cock realizes that’s where her hands have decided to go next, it goes from hard to hard as steel, causing me to bite down on her shoulder again to stop the vulgarity that’s on the tip of my tongue.

Shit, I gotta do something. I’m gonna bust a nut and I haven’t done shit to get my firecracker off. I have a damn reputation with this girl to uphold!

“Leo, baby...” Her words fall out in a breathless plea as my thumb pad circles her clit and my other hand jerks her tank top and bra down. My mouth latches on to her nipple, sucking it as deep into my mouth and hard as I can. I want to devour it.

I’ve never been so hungry for titty in my life. And I know this shit because my ma bottle-fed me. I’m just sayin’ for documentation reasons, people... I love my girl’s fuckin tits, okay?

I feel Lil’s hand surround my shaft and tug before she finds her rhythm. I slide a finger inside her, keeping my thumb on her clit and my mouth sucking and laving between biting her nipples and breasts. Her grip around my cock tightens, making my eyes bulge as I slip my middle finger inside her with my forefinger and curl them around, rubbing her inside to match the rhythm of my thumb on her clit.

Not even a dozen plunges with my fingers and my little firecracker is igniting like the damn Fourth of July under me. Her pussy is clamped down on my fingers so hard I swear she’s gonna break them. But as soon as that thought can even finish, her tightening grasp around my cock cuts it off and I’m yanking her hips to mine and thrusting in to the hilt.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Lillian. I fucking love you so goddamn much, baby.” That’s all I can get out before all my reserves are spent and I’m slamming into her fucking Heaven like a madman.

It’s always like this with Lil. Always.

Neither of us really knows what the fuck we’re doing when we’re together. I realize now that, even back then, we were making love—and that’s what it is. It’s hardcore amateur-slash-novice fucking bouts in between me and her making love, using our hands, our mouths, our legs, backs, tongues, whispered words, and teeth to express what we feel for one another.

It’s the most beautiful fucking thing I had ever felt in my entire young life.

And it will remain the most beautiful fucking thing I have ever felt, even decades later...

Make a note. Mark this night down. It’s a little important…

You’ve heard me mention it a million times, and I’ll mention it a million more while I tell you this story.

This night is a turning page, a devastating fork in the course of my life.

I’m standing on the precipice that can honestly be pinpointed as the moment in time where our lives could go one way or another, one where I lose the life I want with the woman I want or one where I get every-fucking-thing I have and will forever want in all of my life.

I’m staring after Lil through fucking tears blurring my vision in my Camaro after my surprise date with her. I don’t know what the fuck just happened. It felt like two opposing things occurred simultaneously. Like a vow, a lifelong commitment was just sealed, yet at the same time, she was telling me goodbye.

As I sit there watching her walk up the driveway and onto her front porch, something inside my soul is ripping at me, screaming at me to grab her ass and throw her back in the car and take the fuck off.

The only thing that keeps me in the damn car and has my hand shifting the car into first gear is that fact that I know, with every time this week as well as tonight out by the lake, I just put my baby inside Lillian Shaw. She can’t leave me now.

I know it was probably one of the most irresponsible, reckless, and craziest fucking things I have ever done, but I refuse to give a fuck. We’ll make this shit work. No matter what. As long as I have Lil, I’ll be okay. It was the only thing I could do that I knew would keep my firecracker with me.

I know it’s gonna be rough, I know it’s gonna be hard, but I’ll always be there for my girl. Always.

A couple of hours later, I’m in the back shed cleaning out a bunch of old shit that probably hasn’t seen anything besides the inside of this shed for over twenty or thirty years.

A couple of days ago, I found an old bike for sale. It’s beat to shit and doesn’t work—the owner can’t even remember the last time it ran—but it’s a Harley and it was only five hundred bucks.

My Grands—she’s really my great aunt, but all the other kids call her Grands so I do, and she’s who I’ve been staying with since I moved here from Cali. Anyway, Grands said that I can use the shed to fix the bike up as long as I cleaned all the shit out of it.

This task was not on my agenda today. However, as soon as my head hit my pillow, Grands came in saying that the guy with the bike called and I needed to come pick it up today or he’d sell it to the guy who was coming tomorrow evening.

It’s almost noon when Josh swings by with two beers in his hand and a smirk on his face. “What’s up, pussy?” He holds a beer out and I grab it, twisting the top off before guzzling half of it down.

Fuck, I’m thirsty!

“Your momma’s feet, little fucker. What the hell are you up to?” I finish the beer and toss it in the trash bin outside the shed before turning around, taking the beer out of Josh’s hand, and walking back into the shed.

Sipping on the beer and using the other hand to toss shit into their ‘trash’ or ‘not trash’ boxes, I hear Josh say, “Nothin’ really. Saw you over here diggin’ in the shed. Wanted to see how last night went with Lil and find out what the fuck you’re doin’.”

“Last night was good. You know how it is with Lil. I don’t ever know what to make outta that girl. One second she’s looking at me like I fucking made the night sky light up with stars. Then the next she’s closing up and pulling her shields around her like I’m the villain.”

Sighing, I wipe the sweat off the beer and then use it to wipe the old dust and dirt off my face before dragging the rag draped over my shoulder to dry my face. “Got any more beer?”

“Yeah, I gotta twelve-pack. Well, ten now. I’ll go grab it.” Josh runs off, but I hear him five minutes later heaving the ice chest up to the shed’s open door. “Here ya go, man.”

I toss the empty beer bottle in the trash and grab the beer from him, twisting the cap off and setting it to the side before I get back to work.

“So, yeah, man. I don’t know what to tell ya about Lil. Y’all don’t ever hang out around us, so I don’t know enough about her or this thing going on between y’all.” He sips from his beer then asks, “Is it serious between you two? Never see you anymore, dude.”

I look up at Josh, sighing and running my hand through my hair, “Yeah, it’s... Ahh...it’s a little more than fuckin’ serious, dude.” I shake my head, walking out of the shed.

I look up into sky. Then I turn around and face Josh. “She’s the fuckin’ one. And I don’t know what the fuck to do with that. I mean, I know I want to keep her, I know I’m not ever gonna let her go, and I think she feels the same way. It’s just... I don’t know, man. I can fight everything, anything, but I can’t fight it when she clams up and gets lost in that fuckin’ mind of hers. It’s a goddamn steel vault... In Fort Knox. Can’t reach her in there.”

“Leo, I never tried to get to know Lil. Shit, even I knew her ass was too young. I know she didn’t look it at the beginning of this summer, but she did not look like that at the ending of last summer. She looked thirteen, dude. If I had known what the hell you were thinkin’ at the beginning of the summer where little Lil was concerned, I would’ve told you to just keep ignoring her ass.”

“Yeah? Why’s that, asshole?” I ask before draining my third beer.

“‘Cause, you don’t know that girl’s daddy, motherfucker. He is a gun-toting, don’t-look-at-my-baby-girl, Republican, quiet-as-fuck, serious-as-a-heart-attack, trigger-happy son of a bitch!”

Well FUCK! There goes a Craftsman wrench in that plan to converse with her old man about how I’m in love with his daughter. Shit! Damn! Fucking hell! Fuck!

“Fuck, Josh!” I toss the beer bottle into the trash box before picking it up and heading towards the front of the house to dump it in the big trashcan by the road. I hear Josh’s feet following behind me.

I spit the words at him over my shoulder. “You knew I was with Lil. You’d have to be fuckin’ blind to not see I was serious about her compared to all the other bitches you’ve seen me with, Josh. Dammit, man. If I’d have known this shit, I could’ve approached Mr. Shaw a damn month ago and avoided the shit-storm headed my way. Hell, the least I could’ve done was get to know her brother Allen a little better. Not treated him like an irritating kid, but like a freakin’ friend. Had him in my corner. Shit!”

“Whoa, whoa... Nuh uh, Leo. You don’t fuckin’ talk to David Shaw, especially about his daughter. Not if you plan on walking away with your balls still attached. You listening to me, man?”

“And why the fuckin’ hell not, Josh?” I open my fourth beer and chug its entire contents in one upturn of the bottle before throwing it, smashing it against the side of the shed.

“‘Cause, man. Just fuckin’ take my word for it. No one is good enough for Lil in Mr. Shaw’s eyes. Especially someone like us, dude. He’ll never let it fly. The only reason you got the time you got with Lil is because her parents have no fuckin’ clue that you even exist. We’re trash, man. Take what you got to have with Lil, take this summer. ‘Cause that’s all you’re ever gonna get with her.”

“No, it’s not. I’m getting her forever. She’s mine, and goddammit, no one will take her away from me. No one. Mark my words, asshole. And get the fuck out of here. I got shit to do. Leave the beer. I’ll get you another twelve-pack later. AFTER I get finished at Lil’s house talking this shit out with her dad.”

Sighing, Josh stands up, dragging his hands down his face, before he turns around and walks off. “It’s your fucking funeral buddy. Let me know when you need me, ‘cause your ass is gonna need me. Either to bail you outta jail or to peel you off the concrete, your ass is gonna need me.”

“Whatever, Josh. Thanks for the beer, but don’t worry. I’ve got this shit handled.”

I sit down on a cinderblock, open another beer and take a swig. Then I light up a cigarette. I let my mind go back over everything Josh just told me.