Holding Her in Madness (22 page)

It dawns on me as the sun is rising that that is exactly what I’m doing while drilling into my new wife’s unconscious body… I’m reaching for something that hovers just outside my consciousness. I know it’s there, and for some sick, twisted reason, I can only ever catch snippets of its existence while I’m buried inside Annalise… Or more specifically, when I’m hurting Annalise while slamming balls deep into her.

What scares me the most is that I know. Somewhere I know in my fucking soul that it doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with Annalise.

I sigh, pulling myself from her and rolling onto my back. I cover my eyes with the crook of my elbow to block out the brightness of the morning sun.

And just like every other damn night I’ve tried in vain to chase this thing, using ‘Lise to get me close enough to it…I see
her
again. She’s the epitome of love and hate, the complete essence of elation, happiness, and decimating agony. She’s both the nameless love of my life as well as the annihilation of the peace my soul constantly and instinctually continues to seek.

A surreal feeling of warmth and coming home blankets me. And in my mind, I look up and catch a pair of the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. The smell of apples and lemons saturates my mind as her long blond waves create a curtain around us before she leans over, straddling my waist, and whispers so softly that I can barely hear it over the sound of my mind screaming at me how important this woman is.

I hardly can make out her words before I slip into the sleep that’s fighting to consume me, yet still I hear her, see her face crumble in devastation and familiar pain when she whispers, “You told me you would never leave me. You promised that I was the only one. Yet I see now that I am not, and I also see exactly what I always knew you’d end up doing. You left me. You hurt me… Why?” Her tears slide down her beautiful face, falling but never landing on my skin. “What did I do? Why did you leave me, your firecracker?”

On a choked sob, she slips away with her parting words lingering. “What did I ever do to deserve the pain you’ve left me with?”

Annalise and I have been married… I can’t say happily married, nor can I say unhappily married. You know what the fuck I’m saying… We’ve been married for five years.

Our first year… No, our first three years of marriage I can easily say were some of the best years of my life. However, Annalise wants a baby, and I’m not sure why, but that is a serious hard limit for me and I make damn sure she fucking knows it.

That doesn’t stop her from lying about her birth control or the pill disks I’ve found full of unused pills stashed away during the first few years of our marriage.

Sadly, even the seven miscarriages she’s endured doesn’t stop her from trying to get pregnant either.

Hard. Limit. Meaning NO GO. Am I the only asshole in the room here? Who the fuck wants to get pregnant by a man who doesn’t, never has, and never will want children? Fucking who? Tell me.

Anyway, like I said… We’ve been married for five years.

Over last six months, the only thing that has changed in our lives was Gramps passing away. Three days later, to the fucking hour, the minute, so did Grands.

While cleaning out Gramps’s house, I came across more than a thousand letters written in the ‘60s, all from and to Grands.

Damn, I knew there was a story there.

From what I could gather, he and Grands were lovers. No…soul mates. They were madly in love for generations. But they let life’s domino effect fall around them, leading both their lives in two total different directions.

He married another.

She married another.

Both built and made lives without each other. Both lived lives neither wanted to live.

And both died utterly alone.

I couldn’t let that shit seep in too deep or think about how sad, how terrible it would feel to live a life like that.

Honestly, I think I would rather die than live if I ever found myself in their shoes.

After Gramps passed, I easily stepped into his position per his wishes, and as the main shareholder, six months ago, I became CEO of Phillips Fireplace, Fencing, & Pools.

I could do this shit in my sleep I’d been doing it for so long.

My secretary, Allison, buzzes in on the intercom. “Mr. Phillips, I canceled all your afternoon and evening meetings as you requested. Your afternoon meetings were rescheduled for tomorrow, and your evening meetings were pushed back until the day after. I hope you and Mrs. Phillips have a wonderful time in Natchitoches at the Christmas light festival.”

“Thank you, Allison. Can I bring you back a caramel apple or funnel cake from the festival?” I know she won’t accept the offer, but I ask anyway.

“Umm…thank you, Mr. Phillips, but no thank you.” I hear her chuckle before disconnecting.

After work, I head home and shower then trade my suit and tie for a t-shirt and some blue jeans. An hour or so later, ‘Lise comes through the front door, flustered and pissed as hell. All the while, she’s cursing electronics and stripping her clothes from her body on her way to our master bathroom.

“‘Lise? What’s up, babe? Hard day?”

“No…not hard.” Her head peeks out from behind the frosted shower stall glass when I walk into the bathroom. “Hey,” she whispers, kissing me quickly before closing the door behind her. “Not hard, more odd. I mean, work was fine. We weren’t busy. No traumas or fatalities, just colds and bumps.”

I’ve just finished shaving and am drying my face with a towel when ‘Lise steps out of the shower. I glance at her through the mirror’s reflection. “Okay, so odd how? What happened that was odd?”

She’s wrapped in a towel, going through her clothes in her closet as she tells me over her shoulder, “Well, last week I got several emails but didn’t know the email address so I just skipped over them or deleted them.” She stops to shimmy her denim jeans up her ass and then slips a dark turtleneck over her head before coming back in to the bathroom. “Then today while I was on break, I got another email but the subject of the email read:
This is Shelton. It’s very important
—
contact me as soon as you can.
I’ve been trying to respond to his email since and I can’t tell if it’s sending or not.”

“You want me to take a look?” I shove my feet into my boots and lace them up.

“Sure. When we get back though, I don’t want to miss the parade. I love the parades.” She leans in and kisses me before she turns around and starts blow drying her hair.

I laugh, muttering to myself, “I know you love the parades, ‘Lise.”

We’re pulling onto the interstate, headed towards Natchitoches, when she starts back up about the email. “I hope everything with Adam is okay. I haven’t spoken to Shelton in I don’t know how long, but he still lets Adam call me on his birthdays and holidays.” She turns in her seat and leans into me. “Leo, what will I do if something’s wrong with Adam?”

I shake my head, quickly locking eyes with her before bringing them back on the road. “No, Annalise, you will not do that shit. Don’t start worrying until there is something to be worried about. Did you think about maybe trying to call Shelton?”

Her head shakes no before she says, “I don’t have their number. He always has Adam call me from a calling card number.”

“Did you read the emails from last week?”

“Yes, after the one I got this morning. They were all pretty much the same.” She sighs, leaning her head back against the headrest. “We’ll figure it out later, okay? I don’t want to think about it right now.”

“Okay,” I grab her knee with my right hand. “Let’s just go look at some lights and parades then and maybe eat some meat pies.” I smile over at her and she wrinkles her nose up.

We make it in time for ‘Lise to see the parades. Afterwards, we walk up and down the river, looking at all the Christmas lights and snacking on a bunch of greasy food.

“You ready to head home? We’ve been here almost three hours. I gotta go to work in the morning.”

‘Lise looks up at me with a smile. “No. Let’s stay a little longer and watch the fireworks. Then we’ll head home.”

I laugh before telling her, “You don’t even like loud noises. How do you expect to make it through the fireworks?”

“Damn, I forgot about that part.” Her brows furrow for a second. Then she grins back up at me. “You can keep your hands over my ears! Come on, Leo… Please?”

Laughing at her again, I shake my head before I concede. “Fine. Fireworks then home. Deal?”

She nods. “Okay. Let’s go find a good spot to sit.”

I raise my arm slightly with my palm up. “Lead the way, ‘Lise.”

She practically skips in front of me.

I walk behind her and look down for a second, shaking my head again at her silliness.

When I glance back up, everything I’ve lived for over the last five years crashes into absolute nothingness.

I’m stopped, frozen in place and unable to breathe the second I see her. The words ‘time wasted’ and ‘regret’ resound on a continuous loop inside my fracturing mind.

How the fuck did I forget her? How the fuck could I not remember her?

And who the fuck is she with?

I’m hauling my ass in their direction, shoving people out of my way, but I’m stopped when I’m less than five feet away by small hands grabbing and pulling at my shirt at the same time Annalise’s voice whimpers, “Don’t, Leo. Please don’t. I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you to her again.” Her arms circle my waist from behind. “Please, baby. Please just… Please don’t.”

My eyes haven’t moved from Lil holding hands with a beautiful, tiny blond replica of herself. I want to know the little girl’s name. I want to drag Lil away. I want to fucking kill myself for forgetting her, for letting so much goddamn time be wasted.

Lil’s my soul mate.

She’s my other half.

“What in the fuck is she doing with that motherfucker if she’s my other damn half?” I don’t realize that I’m saying the words running through my head until I hear Annalise answer.

“That’s her other half, Leo. That’s her husband, the father of her child.” She tries to pull me in the opposite direction again. “Come on, Leo. Let’s just go home.”

She is my home. Lil’s my home. She always has been.

I look down at Annalise in confusion. All of a sudden, it feels like everything and everyone that isn’t Lil is weighing me down.

I know immediately that I can’t live like this any longer than I already have. I know I’m done, and judging by the look of resignation and defeat on Annalise’s face, she knows I’m done too.

I look back up to see Lil and her husband arguing before he storms off, leaving Lil and their little girl on their blanket laid out on a hill beside the river. The little girl starts crying and fighting her momma, trying to go after her dad.

My heart breaks for both mother and daughter. Lil is rocking the screaming child back and forth, brushing her hands through her daughter’s hair.

When she leans in to whisper into her daughter’s ear, I’m suddenly striking a deal with either God or Satan. I’ll sell my soul for eternity to either…desperate to know what Lil just whispered to her little girl.

Because if whatever she said is magical enough to have her daughter go from screaming, crying, and reaching for her dad to tossing her head back, laughing, smiling through her tears, and nuzzling into her momma’s hair, as far as I’m concerned, if it’s that magical, it’s more than worth my soul.

“Leo, please. I can’t just let you stand here and stare. I won’t.” She pulls my hand, jarring me from my thoughts. “She’s still married. You can’t just run off and leave me for her. I’m sorry but—”

“I know, Annalise. Come on. Let’s go.” I brush past her, walking briskly towards the parking lot. I don’t even check to see if ‘Lise is following me, afraid if I slow down I’ll do exactly what Annalise said I couldn’t—run off with Lil even though she’s still married.

I’m in my truck and it’s cranked before ‘Lise opens the passenger door. She slides into the car without saying a word.

The fucking silence in the cab of my truck is deafening. Neither of us speaks the entire drive home. Neither of us speaks when we pull into the driveway. And neither of us speaks as we lie in bed side by side while both of us stare up at the ceiling.

I know I can’t blame this on Annalise. However, now that I lie here still staring at the ceiling well after her soft sleeping breaths began, I slide the puzzle pieces around in my head, and they start to come together, I realize that it isn’t Annalise’s fault…

But she for damn sure wasn’t trying to fix it before she built on it either.

I can’t stop the betrayal I feel from swelling and twisting anything beautiful we ever had into something cloaked in deceit and malicious intent.

My thoughts and emotions are running amuck. I can’t even get a grip on one emotion before another one crashes into me and pulls me under.

Sometime right before dawn, I remember every time I chased the lingering ghosts of my lost memories. It pisses me off more than anything when it hits me that while I let ‘Lise lead me unknowingly into our life together, through our life together, Annalise was constantly trying to get pregnant as well as looking over her shoulder, waiting for today to happen.