Holiday in Cambodia (12 page)

‘Hi, welcome back …’

CARA AND BEVERLY, NICKNAME BEV.

‘… Cara and Bev. How was your trip to …’

PLACID PHNOM PENH.

‘Placid Phnom Penh?’

‘Boring. We didn’t like it.’

‘Really? I’m sorry to hear that …’

CARA

‘Cara. Did you hop on the four-hour bus? Very authentic.’

‘No.’

‘Well, I’m happy to give you a second experience. Discount. You could try …’

BEAUTIFUL BALI.

‘Beautiful Bali. Retro.’

‘We want the real Phnom Penh. Like the fifteen-year-olds get.’

NOT RECOMMENDED.

‘Pumping Phnom Penh? That’s not recommended for sixties. Anyway all the teens go to …’

KRAZY KHARTOUM.

‘Krazy Khartoum now.’

‘I don’t give a shit. Give us Pumping Phnom Penh.’

NOT RECOMMENDED.

‘Your insurance wouldn’t cover it.’

‘Look, if something goes wrong I’ll tell the insurance we were having too much sex.’

‘Yes, well, that
is
covered for sixties. Look, what I’ll do …’

NOT RECOMMENDED.

‘It’s
not
recommended, but I’ll load your guides up with a Forties Pleasure
Phnom Penh experience
anyway
. The forties are a pretty robust group, get up to mischief but without the drugs and violence. Sound good?’

‘Bev? What do you think?’

‘We were going to re-do the bathroom this holiday, babe. The tiles –’

‘We’ll take it.’

‘This bed vibrates, babe. Look, I’m jiggling.’

‘Can we start?’

‘Let’s shower first.’

‘Shit, Bev. We’re paying for this experience, you know.’

‘Don’t be bitchy. Come here. We’re on holiday, aren’t we? Enjoying our twilight? Or are you a grumpy old retiree now?’

GRUMPY RETIREE: DEROGATIVE.

‘Shut up.’

‘Stop talking to it, babe. That’s what messed it up the last time.’

‘How am I supposed to get it to do anything?’

‘You just instruct it, like this: Guide, start experience.’

PLEASURE PHNOM PENH. PUT ON YOUR GLASSES.

‘What glasses? I’m calling reception –’

‘Here, babe. It all looks the same anyway, except, oh, you’ve got a dress on.’

‘You too.’

‘Really? Do I look forty-five?’

‘You look sixty-three. This isn’t some cheap avatar holiday, Bev. This is real-ish.’

‘Well. Last time someone had come for us by now.’

‘Maybe no one comes for the forties. Maybe we just … go out there.’

‘Yuck, close the door, babe. We need those hydration whatsits first.’

‘Here. They’re chewable. Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Ready?’

‘Wait, hold my hand. Okay, ready.’

‘Where’s the hallway?’

‘What street is this?’

DIRECTIONS: INDEPENDENCE BOULEVARD.

‘Oh, it’s central Phnom Penh.’

‘We weren’t allowed here last time.’

‘Nothing bad is going to happen, Bev. There’ll be trams somewhere.’

NEXT TRAM: FORTY-FIVE SECONDS.

‘Hurry
up
, Bev.’

‘There’s no tourists, babe. Have you noticed that? We didn’t see tourists last time, either.’

‘I didn’t select tourists. We don’t want to meet a bunch of old travellers.’

‘Don’t we?’

‘No, we don’t. Look, they have street vendors at this stop.’

‘Street vendors?’

NOT RECOMMENDED.

‘Bev, it’s a
guide
, not the law. Go find yourself a nice coffee and I’ll have the adventure. We can meet at that temple on the hill later, ’kay? Bev?’

‘I said fine.’

TRANSLATING: ENGLISH TO KHMER – KHMER TO ENGLISH.

‘Do you have anything sweet?’

‘My grandmother likes sweet things too. She says it’s like that with age.’

‘It’s like that after sex.’

‘Oh. That man sells sweets.’

‘Over there?’

‘Yes.’

‘Excuse me, do you have anything sweet?’

‘What do you want?’

‘Just one of – do you have coconut? Real coconut?’

‘Are you kidding, lady? I have chocolate, caramel. No redberry left, sorry.’

‘Vanilla?’

‘Have a caramel and pretend it’s vanilla. Hey, lady, I can get you a coconut, a real one. But it will cost you some serious
kwai
.’

‘What? Oh, no thanks. I was just –’

BEV CALLING.

‘Hi!’

‘Hi! Can you smell it?’

‘What? Bev, turn your screen on.

‘Screen on. Can you smell it?’

‘Perfume. Are you in a shop?’

‘In a shop? It’s jasmine. Real jasmine. I’ve got a whole garland for you because the man said –’

‘Turn your screen on. Where
are
you?’

‘Where are you? I’m at the airport.’

‘The actual old airport? That’s not a shop. Your guide wouldn’t let you go out there.’

‘Go out there. I’ve got a human guide. Honestly babe, you wouldn’t believe what they’ve got here. I can see a pig.’

‘But you don’t even like going to outer-city Beijing back home –’

‘Back home –’

‘Are you repeating everything I say?’

‘Everything I say? It’s a real pig. I didn’t know Asia could be so … Asian.’

‘This is so childish. If you’re mad at me for going … Bev? Bev? Did she just
hang up
on me?’

TRANSLATING: ENGLISH TO KHMER: KHMER TO ENGLISH.

‘Excuse me, I will have a coconut after all. Do you get them from the airport?’

‘Maybe. You give me the money, lady, and I’ll get you a coconut.’

‘How about I give you the money, we go to the airport and you show me around? I mean is that …?’

‘I was a guide at the Killing Fields, years back. You know them? Where the resort is now?’

‘I heard about it. I couldn’t …’

‘Yeah, people either love it or hate it. Enough people love it. I applied for a job there but the pay was bad and my golden opportunity came up instead. See? It’s written on the side of the cart.’

TRANSLATING SCRIPT: MY GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY.

‘Oh.’

‘I’ll take you to the airport, lady.’

‘On a ’lectric bike?’

NOT RECOMMENDED.

‘The tram doesn’t go there.’

‘That’s fine, I want to go the most local way possible. I’m very adventurous for my age group.’

‘Sure, lady.’

EXPLANATION OF DESTINATION?

‘Okay.’

SINCE ITS CLOSURE THE PHNOM PENH AIRPORT HAS BECOME A MARKET FOR ILLEGAL GOODS TO BE TRADED AND SOLD –

‘Boring. Be quiet.’

‘You’re not supposed to talk to it, lady.’

‘You’d get along with my wife.’

‘Wife? No thanks. I had one of them.’

‘Did you just switch this bike to petrol? Where did you get petrol?’

‘It’s not petrol. It’s methane. Human methane. I get it from the market, which is next to the sewage plant.’

‘Is it legal?’

‘Of course not. They don’t want everyone going around powered by shit. But it’s fucking fast. Sorry to swear.’

‘Because I’m a woman? Don’t be ridiculous.’

‘Because you’re older than me. In the old days I would have called you “older sister.”’

‘In the old days I’d be going to the airport to catch a plane, not a coconut … Is this it? Do you need money for parking?’

‘Don’t worry about it, lady. You pay at the other end.’

‘You mean when we get back into town? Or, you mean
reception
? Tell me. I won’t complain or anything.’

‘Can’t you just enjoy your experience?’

‘You
do
work for the hotel! Does everybody here?’

THIS IS A CULTURALLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION.

‘Shut up. I’ll take my glasses off if you don’t tell me. Or I’ll … I’ll throw my guide away …’

‘Go ahead, lady. You’ll find yourself in a boring hotel room in Sydney –’

‘Beijing.’

‘Wherever. And there’s no refund and no repeat experiences. I won’t be taking you all the way out here again, that’s for sure. Coming?’

‘That’s not a … Excuse me, but is that a fish?’

DESCRIPTION: GIANT MEKONG CATFISH.

‘Doesn’t look very giant.’

‘It’s hard to get them to grow where they grow them, madam. But it’s real – touch it.’

NOT RECOMMENDED.

‘Can I take it home?’

‘Only on your taste buds, madam. It’ll cost you.’

‘The lady came for a coconut.’

‘Actually, I came to find my wife. She’s very risk-averse. Have you seen her? Nice face, my age?’

THIS IS A CULTURALLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION.

‘What? Stupid thing.’

‘We try not to remember who comes here, lady. Come on, I think the coconuts are on the other side.’

‘I bet you don’t get many sixties in here tasting coconuts.’

THIS IS A CULTURALLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION.

‘It wasn’t a question, dickhead.’

‘You just suck on the straw, madam.’

‘Oh. It’s sweet. Sure it’s authentic?’

‘Coconuts don’t taste authentic, madam. Even the real ones.’

‘I forgot that. Where do you grow them?’

THIS IS A CULTURALLY INAP–

‘Shit. Sorry.’

‘They’re grown in vats, madam.’

‘Really? They’re just the same. Hairy. Can I see the vats? Are they here somewhere?’

THIS IS A CUL–

‘Shut the fuck up.’

‘You’re not supposed to talk to it, madam.’

‘Right. So can I see the vats?’

‘No, madam.’

‘If I was in my twenties, could I see them?’

THIS IS A–

‘Shut. Up.’

‘She talks to it too much. You talk to it too much, lady. If you didn’t talk so much it wouldn’t be so sensitive. What else do you want to see, anyway? I should get back to my golden opportunity.’

‘Is there a pig? I’d like to see a pig.’

‘Is there a pig for the lady?’

‘The pig was sold, madam.’

‘You’ve got a grumpy expression, babe.’

‘You hung up on me.’

‘Up on me.’

‘You’re doing it again!’

‘Again! What?’

‘Repeating everything.’

‘Every … sorry.’

‘It’s okay. You’re just mad at me for having the adventure and now you’ve probably been waiting here ages.’

‘Ages. I just got here.’

‘Oh. Well, I’ve had a pre-tty crazy time. I went to the airport and
touched
a fish.’

‘A fish. Wow.’

‘Crazy, huh? Where were you? You look tired.’

‘Tired. I
am
tired
.
Shopping. Souvenirs. I guess I won’t get to take them out of the experience, but look, I got cute undies. Oh and I think
this
is full of
offerings.
’

‘Offerings for who?’

‘For who? The
gods
.’

DON’T EXIST.

‘What gods? There aren’t any.’

‘Any. Buddha and there’s a king who’s buried here under the Wat somewhere. And a genie. The man said I should get offerings. The jasmine is for you.’

‘You’re shy!’

‘Shy! I’m a bit shy.’

‘About giving me flowers?’

‘Me flowers? I should just tell you. On the tram –’

‘Hun, what
is
that on your shoulder?’

‘Shoulder? It was so weird. A man bit me.’

‘What?’

‘What? Yeah, on the tram. My guide wouldn’t tell me what to do and the man offered to show me a special market –’

‘A man bit you and you went with him to the airport?’

NO! NO NO NO! NOT RECOMMENDED! NO!

‘Bev, is that your fucking guide saying no?’

‘No? I think it’s broken.’

‘The first time this thing gives you good advice and you don’t listen? How do you feel now?’

‘Now? Sort of … agreeable …’

‘Don’t worry, Bev, I’ll ask that woman …’

TRANSLATING: ENGLISH TO KHMER – KHMER TO ENGLISH.

‘Excuse me, hi, this is an emergency: do you know where Hotel Beaming Stay is? My wife here was
bitten
by a man –’

‘He was trying to scam her. It happened to my neighbour.’

‘My neighbour.’

‘Bev!’

‘Yes, they put a suggestibility serum in their teeth. I can’t remember how. Didn’t your guides warn you? You should go back to your hotel and fix that. You don’t want hospital to be a part of your experience.’

‘Experience.’

THIS IS A CULTURALLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION.

‘Holiday, I meant. Holiday. Good luck with that.’

‘Wait … shit. Guide, my wife needs the Hotel Beaming Stay. Now.’

HOTEL BEAMING STAY, BEIJING: 3659 KILOMETRES.

‘No, where we came from. At the beginning, you dipshit –’

‘Dipshit. Calm down, babe. Just say, “Guide: reception.” There. See? The door’s just there.’

‘How do we know that’s the right one?’

‘Right one? Try the handle, I guess. Here –’

‘Bev … Bev? Where did you go?’

PLEASE TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES.

‘Shut up. I need to find my wife. She’s been drugged. Bev?’

PLEASE TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES.

‘Bev!’

‘Here, I’m here. I just took my glasses off. The experience is over, honey.’

‘Hello, welcome back …’

CARA AND BEVERLY. NICKNAME: BEV.

‘Cara and Bev. How was your trip to …’

PLEASURE PHNOM PENH.

‘Pleasure Phnom Penh?’

‘We loved it, didn’t we, babe?’

‘Except for the fact that you were drugged and kidnapped and –’

‘So you got the full experience? That’s great. Now, your bill is there on your guide. Just look through and press accept.’

‘Hotel, tram, sweet … Wait, we didn’t buy a live pig.’

‘Oh. Yes, I
did, babe.’

‘
You
bought a pig? A whole pig? Bev … you don’t like animals.’

‘It was different when it was standing in front of me.’

‘Where was it?’

‘I let it go out the back of the airport.’

‘Look at how much it cost! Why would you do that?’

‘It was just trotting along beside us and I said, “Has it ever been off the leash?”’ They said, “No, it grew in a vat and now it stays on the leash.” I asked if we could free it and they said, “It’s your pig.”’

‘Because you bought it.’

‘Yes.’

‘And?’