Hollywood Lies (35 page)

God, if the ride up is this awkward, I can only imagine what it’ll be like with Cole, but when I get there, she’s nothing short of kind and open. Any awkwardness comes from me as I fidget in the amazing castle she owns.
Why didn’t I think of buying a place in the middle of nowhere?
After Oscar takes my bags upstairs, we’re left alone in the great hall, and she presses me into a hug.
 

It feels better than good. It’s comforting and instantly relaxes me. “Thank you for having me.”

Cole pulls away, then looks up at me. Our eyes connect. “You didn’t sound so great when you called, and I know how hard it can be when you’re trapped.”

“Yeah, well, it’s amazing that you’re so willing to do this for me after all I—”

“Drop all that, okay? I let it eat me up for a while, but I got away and found a little perspective, a little remembrance that I’m—to use a word you’re fond of—quite awesome by myself.”

I sit when she motions to a chair that looks like it should be in a museum. “You
are
awesome.”
 

She smiles faintly, but doesn’t say anything.
 

“So what finally made you get away?”

Cole drifts her eyes from mine as she takes a long inhale, then lets it out slowly. “Unfortunately, I saw you and Lilana in the green room at the PCAs.”

I think back. My mouth drops open when I remember fucking Liliana against the mirrored vanity. It takes a moment for me to formulate words. “Yeah, well, what you didn’t see was her giving me an ultimatum of fucking her right then, or her finding someone else to do the job.”
 

Roscoe sniffs around the place, looking lost, but finally finds his way over to me where he promptly curls at my feet and falls asleep. “That’s who she’s been cheating with.”

“Was it ever real?”

I raise my eyebrows. “For me, it was. For her? I don’t know. Hell, maybe it wasn’t real for me, either. Maybe I just got swept away with the entertainment of it all.”

“I would say if you’re hurt by what she’s done, then it was real for you.”

“That’s just it. I don’t know if I’m hurt by what Lili did, or if it’s just because it was so humiliatingly public. I mean, my
mother
listened to her whore-moan with that guy.”

“Don’t be mean. Liliana’s a young woman in the middle of Hollywood expectations. It’s not easy to navigate those waters.”

I’m not ready to be forgiving, and I don’t want to argue about the hardships Lili has had to face. “Turns out I was nothing more than the peanuts on the bar of her career.”

“You think she’s with Nick Charles because he can help her career?”

“She’s very opportunistic. I don’t know if that’s it or if she just grew bored of me. I don’t know if I was ever beer to her or just the peanuts.”

Cole catches my gaze again. Her eyes twinkle. “Don’t drive yourself nuts with thinking about it.”

“Ha, ha. LOL, Cole.”

Her face softens even more. “Seriously, you can hide out here for however long you want, but I’m close to ending my own seclusion. There’re some projects I’m going to start in London, then there’s a few I want to start in the States.”

“But I can stay?”

“Yep.”

I feel so wildly immature, like a child asking if Santa Claus is really real, but I have to ask her. “With you?”

A nod and a smile, she confirms, “With me.”

I’ve slept for about fifteen hours every day since I’ve been here. This is the first day in two weeks I’ve risen before Cole and been able to rummage around the kitchen to see what I can make her.
 

Making pancakes for her is like getting ready to go on stage for a live interview. My stomach is in a knot because I wonder if they’re anything but perfect.
What if they’re raw inside? What if I burn them? What if they’re perfect, and she thinks I’m trying too hard?

“What are you doing up?” Cole enters the kitchen. Her hair is all over the place, and it’s hot.
 

It seems my penis wants to jump right back into a relationship with her vagina. I keep my body facing the stove. “I think I’ve slept enough.”

“So pancakes, then?”

“Yeah, I’m sure they’re too starchy for you or something, but we’re going to enjoy them whether you want to or not.” I glance over my shoulder and receive a smile for my efforts.

“So . . .” She sits down at the island and smooths back the wild fire of hair. Cole points to my cell. “How many messages today?”

“None,” I answer. There is a lightness in my voice that even I notice. “I checked all the sites last night, and I’ve fallen off the front page. I may have to give Natalie, my agent, a bonus for working overtime, and thank God I hired Martin.”

“Martin?”

“My publicist.”

“Good,” she says with actual relief. “I’m happy to hear you took my advice. Publicists keep the heat off you much easier than an agent can.”

“Yeah, well, he’s proving to be worth his weight in gold with this mess. He’s working with Lili’s publicist to make it seem like we were already broken up before all this.”

“That’s brilliant. Makes her look a whole lot better, and it makes you—”

“Seem less weak?” I finish for her with a nod to myself. “What’s even more brilliant is the fabricated story he created about me and Macy. You remember her from
Reflections
, don’t you?”

Cole chuckles. “Well, since she was the lead female in the film, I think I can recall her, yes.”

“I can’t believe she’d lie for me, but according to Martin, she’s going onto Locker’s show and going to tell everyone Lili and I haven’t been a thing for months and that she and I have been together.” I turn around to see Cole sipping coffee.

“How is she going to explain Liliana at your house?” she asks.

“Martin’s says she’s just going to say that sometimes exes can be adult and grown up about separating. I guess Lili and I are going to have lunch in a couple of weeks with Nick and Macy, someplace very visible. Then in a couple months, Macy’s publicist and Martin will issue a joint statement acknowledging that we’ve gone our separate ways as friends.” I shrug. “You know, the same old Hollywood lies.”

Cole looks away. “So you’re leaving?”

I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. She wants me here. “No. That’s the best part. They are all coming here. I mean, not
here
, so I’ll have to go to London for this lunch, but I don’t have to go back to the States yet.”
 

She looks relieved and the sight of it makes my heart clinch with happiness. I turn back around and flip four pancakes in a row. “And I got a note from Natalie about this movie filming in a month or so in London.”

“Very cool.”

“All I have to do is a phone conference. They’re not even looking for an actual audition.”

“That’s great!”

“You didn’t have anything to do with this, do you?” I’ve been suspicious since Natalie told me about the project.

“Nope.” Cole gets up to grab some more coffee. “My film’s about five lesbians, so I think your dick eliminates you from the running.”

My dick had been softening, but hearing the word from her mouth has it standing back up.

“Are you up for it?” She sits back down again.

I start and almost flip the pancake onto the counter instead of the griddle. “What?”
 

“The film? Do you think you’ll be able to handle it?”

“Oh. Well, the acting isn’t the real job, you know? I’ve never had an issue with that. It’s all the stuff that goes with it. The lies we have to tell and sell in order to be able to act.”
 

I place the spatula on the counter after sliding the final pancakes onto plates. At the island, I drizzle them with golden syrup, then sit down next to Cole and wait for her to take the first bite.

“Mmmmm. These are fucking perfect.”

Cole almost never swears, so I know she must be telling the truth, and unlike earlier, I’m not frightened of what perfection means.

After eating, we bundle up and take our coffee outside. It’s beautiful here, but the surroundings are dwarfed by how gorgeous Cole is.

“Can I ask you something?”

My eyebrows rise expectantly. “You can ask me anything.”

“Did you actually like me?”

I set the mug down on the arm of the chair, then drag my hand through my hair and tug the short locks. She can ask me anything, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to answer. “Yes, I did. I loved you. I mean, I
do
. I, um, I felt like I wasn’t . . . like I could never compete for your attention.” We’ve covered this on our previous call, but it seems like a new conversation here in person. “I mean, with Lili, she made
me
feel like the cool one, you know?”

“And I didn’t make you feel that way?”

“Cole, I’m not—”

“Just so you know, the question is more about me than you. I mean, I just need to know why my relationships turn to crap because while I enjoy being alone, I want to be alone with someone else. Not just pure solitude.”

“I want to be alone with someone else, too.” Shit, I should just say it. “With you.”

“That’s bullshit. You didn’t want me, if you did, you wouldn’t have—”

“I can’t change it. I realize that the decision I made was not only wrong, but it was sort of like Julius Caesar crossing the Rubicon, if you know what I mean. I passed the point of no return and can’t take back that I chose her when I had you. It’s done. It was the wrong choice for me. I saw her fun and freedom and thought I wanted it, but it turns out I just didn’t understand why you didn’t have freedom and why your fun felt muted.”

“You weren’t experienced enough?”

“No. I wasn’t. I know you tried to tell me, but intellectually knowing something to be true is a different understanding than going through it. Constantly being watched through camera lenses is so isolating. I had no idea. And the fucked up part is Lili loves that shit. She plays it up on camera like she doesn’t like it, flicking them off, but Jesus! The girl searched herself on the Internet about fifteen times a day. I’m pretty sure she wanted half the information to be leaked about where we were and what we were doing.”

“But did you love her?”

I look away and focus on the cold stone of the castle. It would probably warm up to a nice day, but right now it’s a bit chilly. I wish I could’ve seen the castle in the snow. Maybe next winter. First, I have to make things okay between Cole and myself.

“No,” I admit. “I think I thought I did, but now that I look at it, it wasn’t love. I’m sure that makes me a horrible person, but I didn’t love her. I was drawn to her, but what I felt was nothing like love, and I know that because it was nothing like how I felt – how I
feel
– about you.”

It seems to take a moment for Collette to digest this. “So are you here because you want to get away from your life or because you want to be with me?”

“I’ve thought about you so many times. I never really gave you up. I don’t care about your money or fame. I don’t care if we never step foot in public together.”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

“I don’t know, a little bit of both, maybe. I didn’t know what I wanted before, but now it seems so clear.”

“What do you want?”

Finally, I look back at Collette. Her nose and cheeks are slightly red, just like the flaming hair sticking out of her hat. “I want you, but I also want the ability to just be. I didn’t quite get it when we were together, you know? But I do now. I want to know that it’s not only okay that I’d rather stay in on a Friday night and watch a movie or read a book, but that you want it, too. And if I do have to go, go, go, I want you to go, go, go with me.”

“Well, here’s the thing,” she starts off slowly as she takes her eyes from me and sips some coffee. “I have no reason to take you back except for one really important fact. I really liked you. I tried not to let it show, but it hurt like crazy when you broke it off.”

“Liked?”
Past tense is never good
.
 

Cole tilts her head to the side like she’s conceding something. “Fine. Loved, to be perfectly honest.”

Still past tense
. I talk stiffly, as if I’m a journalist delivering a bad news report. “After months of review, I can say I really loved you, too. I’m not sure I fully realized it until after you were out of my life. I know I’ve said to you, but the full impact of it didn’t settle onto me until after I tossed it all away. There’s a difference between the love I feel for you and what I’ve had for any other woman in my life. My love for them was like love for love’s sake. With you, I just feel right. I think about you and something inside hurts because we’re not together and at the same time, something else leaps for joy simply because I know you and at least got the chance to experience the kind of love that can make you a better person. I’m sorry for throwing it away. I understand if we can’t ever be anything more than friends, but I—”