Home From Within (5 page)

Aunt Lodi loved to celebrate, and even the smallest occasion would make her want to bake a cake. One year she decided to throw herself a birthday bash and insisted that they all come to Cedar Creek for the weekend. Jessica was ecstatic at an additional chance to see Aunt Lodi. Even though Jessica usually saw her three times a year, she wanted more; Aunt Lodi was contagious, making even the most guarded ease themselves into the pool of calm water she offered. Jessica noticed that in the company of his sister, her father’s appearance changed. The brow that looked as if it had been frozen with creases loosened, and the harsh lines that framed his green eyes and even the scar below his left eye faded, as if he had used one of her mother’s miracle beauty products. His body relaxed, allowing Aunt Lodi to put her arm around it and pull him from person to person. Jessica even heard him laugh out loud. She remembered walking over and looking up at his mass of muscle. He had a beer in hand. As he looked down at her tiny frame with a smile that made his face look inviting, he put his arm around her neck and laughingly introduced her to the other men. Jessica wanted to know more about these men. What were they doing that would make him change into good-time Jim? As she got older, she realized that while the men may have been funny, the beer is what made him human. Once she made that connection, she started asking her mother to buy some beer for Dad because he enjoyed it so much at Aunt Lodi’s bash. Her mother met her request with a quick response: “No.”

During Biology, a girl at their table tried to convince Jessica to give her the answers to their homework. She had received an F on an earlier assignment and was afraid that her parents would ground her if she did not produce an A. Jessica’s pulse quickened, and her voice quivered because she really wanted to fit in, but not at the expense of cheating. So she said no.

“Come on, I need some help,” the girl whispered again.

Jessica noticed that Paul was studying the situation, but she shook her head and went back to working on the Biology assignment. Then she heard the girl whisper, “Bitch.”

“You’re the bitch,” Paul said. “Do your own work.”

“Peterson, did you swear in my classroom?” Mr. Wilberg announced loudly.

Paul said yes, and Mr. Wilberg kicked him out. Jessica felt horrible and was about to say she was sorry when Paul winked at her as he collected his things and then walked toward the door. Before stepping into the hallway, he looked back toward Jessica and gave her a quick grin.

“Is that your boyfriend?” another girl at their table asked. Jessica quietly said no, but her heart thumped a little harder.

Jessica noticed she was getting more attention from boys. It took her a few weeks, but she eventually figured out that two boys in homeroom, Mike and Jeff, appeared to like her but really wanted to use her. She was, after all, the deliverer. They would try to move closer to her seat in homeroom, be extra nice whenever they saw her in the hallway, and invite her to parties. Jessica took notice when Mrs. Daley would narrow her eyes. The look on Mrs. Daley’s face said it all: they were trying to play her for a fool. Jessica, having been raised by a Green Beret, was ingrained with the values of loyalty, duty, and honor. That was one thing she was very clear on: she would never let the integrity of her job suffer because of some boys.

But there was one boy who entered her thoughts often. In the same small group for Humanities, Paul and Jessica spent a lot of time together working on the class project and started to connect on a level that was brand-new to her. At night, she would lie in bed and fantasize that she was his girlfriend. They would go outside for lunch and he would hold her hand. He would look at her with a gentle smile and tell her he liked her a lot. For some reason, she could not shake Marilee from her fantasy. She would be along too, with about five boys dragging behind vying for her attention. And she would jabber away, trying to decide, out loud, which one she should pick. Paul would give an exasperated look and Jessica would just smile.

Jessica believed Paul also enjoyed her company. He always smiled when he saw her, and he would wait for her so they could walk to class together. Paul also made her feel protected. In homeroom, his cool eyes would turn icy when Mike and Jeff pulled their chairs closer to Jessica, trying to worm their way into her good graces. Jessica gave them no reason to continue, but they still tried daily.

As Jessica and Paul walked to Biology one day, she took notice of Jeff, who followed behind them.

“Hey, Jessica. I need to ask you something,
alone.
”

Jessica looked at him confused, but Paul asked, “Why? You gonna ask her out?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you fuckin’ high?” Paul retorted before Jessica had a chance to respond. “She doesn’t want to go out with you.” Jeff stepped in front of them and put his arm out so they both had to stop.

“I’m asking her, not
you.
”

Jessica felt feverish. “Well, uh . . . you know, I have to think about it.”

Jeff looked surprised and Paul looked pissed.

“Think about it? What’s there to think about?”

“Because she knows you ain’t nothin’ but a dog,” Paul said.

“What’s your problem, man? I’m just trying to take a nice girl out to McDonalds.”

“Eww, high class, McDonalds,” Paul retorted. Jessica was surprised by Paul’s anger but also felt sorry for him; he could not stop running his mouth. Jessica was thankful Mrs. Daley overheard some of the drama from the homeroom door. She walked over and told them the business of asking someone out was finished for the day.

“Get on to your classrooms before you’re marked tardy,” she said directly to the boys.

Jeff looked hard at Paul, and Paul met it back with a stare that even Jessica’s father would have been proud of.

Paul turned and walked quickly down the hall to Biology, and Jessica almost had to run to keep up, but decided to let him be. She had seen that look on her father and knew the best defense was to fade into the scenery. Paul entered Biology twenty paces in front of her and was sitting in his usual seat. Carefully, Jessica sat down next to him, spreading her books out in a quiet way, so as not to erupt the volcano next to her. He brooded all through class. When the bell rang, he did not say the usual, “see ya at lunch.” He just got up and left. Jessica mentally played the tape out from earlier to see if she had done something wrong, but there was nothing she could pinpoint. Except that maybe Paul wanted to ask her out first.

She had no intentions of going on a date with Jeff. First off, she didn’t like him like that, and second she was not allowed to date until she turned twenty-one. Although by that time, she surmised, she would be long gone and could date freely. A while back, she mentioned to her father that she would probably be away at college by age twenty-one. He said to check back with him when she turned twenty-one.

At lunchtime, Jessica scanned the lunchroom but there was no sight of Paul. Her stomach started to turn over in a sick way, wishing she had given a different answer when Jeff asked her out. But how was she to know Jeff’s intentions when he followed behind them?

“Are you okay?” Marilee asked, cutting off Jessica’s anguish.

“Sort of.”

“Where’s Paul? Isn’t he gonna come by our table? Or did Eddie scare him off?”

Jessica didn’t know how to answer so she just shrugged, thinking about what happened yesterday. Paul and a couple of his buddies eventually joined Jessica and Marilee at their lunch table. They smelled like the pungent odor that had met her nose that first day of school. Paul was laughing at his buddies as they stuffed chips and whatever else they could get their hands on into their mouths. One guy even poured packets of ketchup in his mouth, which completely grossed Jessica out. Paul kept laughing and calling them “tards.” As Eddie approached their table, his face said it all. A few of Paul’s buddies who knew Eddie said, “Hey, man. What’s up, dude?” Eddie quickly made sure they all knew who his little sister was, and that Jessica was considered a little sister too. The pharmaceutical high they were all on came crashing down. All the boys said, “Yeah sure, man, no problem here. Just hangin’ out, ya know.” Paul was the only one to open his bullheaded mouth.

“So what are you sayin’? I can’t sit at this table and talk to these girls?”

“I’m just letting you know what’s up.”

“Oh,” said Paul, “so what’s up is that you don’t want us sittin’ with your sisters?”

“I guess you could look at it that way.”

Paul’s friends started to crack under the pressure. They didn’t want to be in the frying pan, they just wanted to eat what was in the frying pan.

“Hey, man, that’s cool. Come on, the bell’s about to ring anyways,” said the boy who had ketchup on his lips and cheek.

“Yeah,” another one said as he clumsily stood up. “I need to be at my next class or I’m in deep shit.”

Paul eyed Eddie for a few seconds. Jessica noticed how glassy and red Paul’s eyes looked, and she felt torn. She wanted to be Eddie’s little sister, but she also wanted to be Paul’s girlfriend, a prospect she knew was out of the question but still loved to daydream about. Jessica was starting to resent Eddie for acting like her father. Paul left the table last, staring Eddie down. “See you girls tomorrow,” he said, aiming his words toward Eddie.

Jessica wanted to say something but was afraid Eddie would get mad. She was happy when Marilee piped in that he needed to cool his jets.

“I know you feel like you need to protect me, but seriously, no boys are ever going to come near me with you around. And Jessica really likes Paul. You chased him away for no reason.”

“Paul isn’t boyfriend material,” Eddie stated.

“Why?” Marilee asked.

Eddie got in close so not everyone would hear. “Because he’s a total burnout. Look at his eyes. Those alone should warn you that he’s messed up.”

“What’d you mean, drugs?” Marilee questioned.

“Yeah, and other things. He’s a freshie, and I know who he is just by the neighborhood rep. Jessica, you’re easy picking for someone who knows a hell of a lot more about life.” Jessica was not sure to take that as a compliment or insult, but either way his words were hard to ignore. So Paul was a burnout, which—as Jessica learned in her first few days of high school—meant he liked to party. She was not so sure what “party” entailed, but was pretty confident Pin the Tail on the Donkey and drinking soda pop were not on the agenda.

Paul did not show up for Humanities, and as Jessica walked down the concrete steps, she was surprised to see him walking toward her with a strange look on his face. He was alone, however his group of friends stood in a circle not far off smoking cigarettes, talking, and laughing. She noticed that the circle of friends now included a few girls who liked to smoke too.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” she said as she stepped over to the side so as not to get trampled by exiting students. She could smell that pungent odor again and his eyes looked tired.

“What did I miss in class?”

Jessica felt a twinge of anger.
Why should I tell you when you blew class off to “party” with your friends?
“Not much.”