Home From Within (26 page)

The first thing Jessica noticed when she woke up was that her body was very angry with her. Never mind that it demanded that she sit on the toilet (on and off for hours) but it was begging for all extraneous stimuli to go away.

Matt walked in the curtain drawn bedroom. “Good morning. Would you . . . uh . . . do you need anything?”

Jessica carefully turned her head to look at Matt, not wanting to make too many unnecessary movements. “Oh God,” she said in a husky whisper. “What did I do to myself last night?” She started to feel teary eyed and placed her arm over her eyes.

“Oh, uh, you had a great time. You were the life of the party.”

“Then why do I feel like . . . poop?” she asked slowly.

Matt continued to be positive, but Jessica was not buying what he was selling.

“Just tell me, did I do anything I should . . . regret?”

Jessica lifted her arm to look at Matt’s face. It looked like a debate was occurring between his head and his heart, but after a few moments, he smiled.

“Jessica, you were funny, you were cute, and you were among friends. There’s nothing that you did among people who love you that could be called regrettable.”

When those words sank in, Jessica felt a huge boulder lift from her insides. It slowly rolled out of the bed, down the hall, and out the front door of their home.

For the rest of the day, while Jessica ran between the bedroom and the bathroom, Matt was her constant companion. He fielded calls from Jean, who was worried about her and concerned about getting Jessica’s truck back home, and from Aunt Lodi, who heard from Jean about the “fun” they had at Murphy’s. Jessica appreciated Matt’s opening the window in the dark bedroom to breathe some wellness into her spirit and bringing her saltines, Gatorade, and homemade chicken broth for dinner.

In the evening, Jessica felt strong enough to get out of bed and asked Matt to sit outside and watch the sunset.

Jessica tunneled into Matt’s chest, pressing her ear firmly on his heartbeat. A blanket curled around them as they sat on the Adirondack love seat that did not swing. She didn’t think she was well enough to test anything that moved.

It had been a typical late spring day, and the temperature was slowing, making its descent in step with the sun. Jessica felt grateful that she could now tolerate and, in fact, indulge in the sounds from outside. Masses of chirping birds flew from one tree to the next, bursting with energy even this late into the day. The whinny of horses were heard from the barn and the purring of two outdoor cats who wound themselves around Jessica’s feet, excited to receive human touch. The sounds, plus Matt’s strong arms around her, made her feel whole again. Jessica pushed herself up to look at Matt’s face in the glimmering sunset.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me. I would not have survived this day without you.”

He smiled big and leaned in to kiss her gently on the forehead.

“Matt,” Jessica said carefully, “I hope you know how much I love you.”

He smiled even bigger and wound his arms around her tighter, pulling her closer into his body.

“Thanks. That’s good to hear.”

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21

“Mom, I’m back,” yelled a voice from the doorway.

“Hello,” Jessica responded, with her head in the oven, checking on her baked chicken with fingerling potatoes and roasted carrots.

“It smells great in here,” Paulina said, walking straight into her mother’s arms.

Jessica held her close to her heart, eventually freeing one arm to smooth down Paulina’s auburn hair. “How was camp?”

Paulina’s school year ended in May, and for the last two years, she had attended a weeklong Christian leadership camp a few hours from home. It was a requirement in order to work as a paid summer camp counselor.

“Oh, you know,” she said, after being released from her mother’s embrace and opening the fridge, “full of fun.” There was a hint of sarcasm.

“Well at least you have a paid job this summer.”

“I know,” Paulina said quickly. “Just think, after next summer I’ll be going away to college.”

Jessica felt a strong ache.

This past school year, Jessica, Paulina, and Matt made the journey to five different college campuses. Paulina was eager to be flying away, and Jessica felt unnerved by the thought. She had never gone away to college; leaving Paulina with Aunt Lodi was something she could not stomach and at that time had no desire to leave Aunt Lodi’s side despite earning an academic scholarship to a four-year college. Instead, Jessica went to a local college and completed her pharmacy degree in record time, taking more than the usual amount of semester hours and summer classes. Aunt Lodi helped raise Paulina and in the same breath, Jessica.

“Remember what we said . . . ?”

“Mom, I know. I’m saving my money for college, okay?” Paulina said gruffly.

Jessica did not want their first moments together to feel like this, but it seemed almost impossible anymore that their conversations followed a smooth path.

“Where’s Matt?” Paulina asked, walking over to the open back door and pushing her head on the screen.

“In the pasture. What time is it?” Jessica asked, checking on the food in the oven again.

“Uh, almost five o’clock.”

“Would you go out there and tell him dinner will be ready in thirty minutes? He thought six o’clock, but this chicken is almost done.”

Without words, Paulina walked out the screen door, and Jessica listened to the loud creak then thump the door made as it swung back in position.

After dinner, Matt helped clean up the dishes while Paulina scrubbed the pan that was coated with baked-on juices. Jessica slipped outside to visit the horses in the barn. She had been busy trying to forget yesterday’s nightmare and craved to have her routine back. Jessica would spend time daily with all their horses, even the ones that did not mind being without her company. She had a couple of favorites, but no one could ever tell. Moses was one of them; he was just so majestic and Jessica felt that they had a special bond. They worked together for years in order for her to ride him without getting jerked about, and Jessica took pride in the fact that her patience and determination helped Moses trust her so she could ride him softly, gracefully. There was Aubrey, the Belgian, who loved his nose to be rubbed, and Mitchell, the rescue quarter horse that found refuge with horses ten times bigger than him.

Jessica would give them treats, brush them down, and of course ride them; Matt did all the hard work. Not that Jessica evaded the responsibility of caring for them. She could be called on at a moment’s notice to help, but she worked a full-time job and the horses were Matt’s livelihood.

Jessica was talking to them in her horse voice when Matt walked into the barn.

“Oh no, you’re not making them into babies again.”

“I think you’re crazy when you accuse my voice of making them regress,” she said with a grin.

Matt grunted a laugh.

“How does Paulina seem? Do you think she’s happy to be home?”

“She seems fine,” he said, while picking up buckets and moving them to the other side of the barn. “Happy. She’s on the phone with Jake right now.”

Jessica pursed her lips. Jake, Jean’s son, and Paulina seemed to be getting closer. It bothered Jessica because for the first time Paulina had what seemed to be a relationship with a boy. She never asked Paulina to affirm her suspicions because she was too scared. Jessica was terrified of Paulina making the same mistakes she made, so with Aunt Lodi’s help, they had had numerous talks about boys and sex. To Jessica’s relief, Paulina never cringed away from the information and, in fact, appeared to welcome it.

“Jake’s a good kid,” Matt said quickly.

Jessica stayed silent.

“Don’t you trust him?”

“I don’t trust anyone when it comes to affairs of the heart. The heart has a funny way of taking over even the most rational part of me . . . I mean, of anyone’s self.” Jessica could feel Matt’s stare turn into her.

“I think her heart and her head can work together for her betterment if she lets them.”

Jessica did not feel like they were talking about Paulina anymore.

“I guess,” she said solemnly and walked out of the barn.

As Jessica crawled into her crisp, clean sheets that night, she ruminated about the conversations she and Aunt Lodi had about Matt. Jessica knew Aunt Lodi loved her as if she were her own child, and Aunt Lodi also came to love Matt. Matt had been the boy that years after their first meeting at the state fair, and after his wife’s illness and death, had interested Jessica enough to accept an invitation on a date. Matt’s world—the horses, the farm, his close-knit family—helped Jessica’s walls slowly fold away, allowing vulnerability to seep in so that she could enter a relationship again. But this came at a price. Jessica and Aunt Lodi disagreed on how she was treating Matt. Jessica thought it fine that they remained together without the commitment of marriage, but Aunt Lodi disagreed, believing that Jessica was holding him at arm’s length and not fully giving herself a chance at happiness because of the past.

There were moments that Jessica agreed with her observations, but the hacking sounds in her head, and her heart, were hard to silence. Jessica’s choices led to Paul’s death, something that was impossible to erase.

On Sunday, Matt’s entire family met at church, a ritual practiced every week. There were his brothers Kevin, Michael, and Seth, their wives, and lots of children, along with his mother, Irene, the matriarch of the family after the passing of her husband, Herbert, two years earlier. Jessica found solace in the throes of very loving chaos. After church, the entire clan, with an occasional guest appearance by Aunt Lodi, made their way to Irene’s farm where a breakfast feast was prepared and inhaled. All members of the family had roles to fulfill. Jessica made the biscuits and gravy, Matt made the pancakes, and Paulina along with the rest of her cousins were the cleanup crew. A job they all complained about feverishly every Sunday.

“Look at that mess! You guys are doing that on purpose!” complained Maeve.

“Yeah, you’re letting all that grease splatter just so we have extra scrubbing!” said Trevor.

Depending on the weather, there would be a football or softball game in the front yard of the farmhouse. Jessica would sit on the front porch with those who were not inclined to exert themselves in sports and cheered for whichever team needed it the most. It was in those moments that she lost the pain, forgot the shame, and embraced the love of a family that folded her and Paulina in acceptance and peace.

Jessica, Paulina, and Matt were the last family to leave Irene’s Sunday night because Matt was explaining the travel itinerary to his mother and writing down all the details so she would not forget. As they sat at the faded oak kitchen table with papers spread around, Irene turned to Jessica. “Before I would marry Herbert, he had to make me a promise, a promise that no matter what, he would save enough money for me to visit my family in Ireland every three years. I figured between having children and getting folks to watch them, three years would be the best for everyone. And unless Mother Nature interfered with the crops and horses, Herbert made sure he kept his promise.” Irene’s eyes teared up, and Jessica placed her hand on top of her wrinkled and freckled one, and gave her a small smile.