Home From Within (27 page)

“Love,” Irene said after setting her eyes back on Jessica, “is giving everything you have and then some.”

Matt agreed to take his mother on the trip this year, which he had also done three years prior when Herbert fell ill and could not accompany her. Matt’s brothers and nephews worked the farm while he was gone. Jessica loved the way Matt’s family looked out for each other, and she envisioned Marilee’s family working the same way, wondering what they were like all these years later. When Jessica was sent to Aunt Lodi’s, she was so traumatized with grief, and then her high-risk pregnancy, that her efforts to make contact with Marilee felt like climbing a large mountain. After Paulina was born, she wrote a few letters but never had the energy to send them, afraid that Marilee’s father would confiscate them and give them to her father. Jessica believed that Marilee’s father would follow the brotherhood code of silence and would not allow Marilee to have any contact with her. Who would want their daughter fraternizing with a teenage mother? As the years past, Marilee would pop into Jessica’s mind, and heart. She thought about trying to find her but had no strength to face her tragic past in Chicago.

It was in those quiet moments at Irene’s that Jessica longed for Marilee and her family—the family that also took her in way back when, giving her acceptance and peace, too.

C
hapter
22

Jessica had two hours before she needed to be at work, and Paulina had already left for her camp counselor job and would not be home until late evening. Matt was outside with Seth, discussing details about the farm that only he would know about. Jessica pulled a robe around her body, slipped on the nearest pair of shoes by the back door, and walked outside with orange juice in hand. The light morning air felt soothing on her face as she inhaled deeply, telling the powwow going on in her head to give it a rest. She put her hand up over her eyes to block the sun flickering from the east and greeted the men.

The three sat on the cushy patio furniture, drinking coffee and eating the fresh baked muffins Seth brought from home. Jessica quietly listened while Matt and Seth discussed caring for the farm. Jessica was used to Matt’s family being over and having any one of them around did not make her feel like she needed to entertain. They came and went into each other’s homes as if they lived there, something that took Jessica a long time to get used to. She could not help but laugh, especially when Kevin, Matt’s younger brother, would come strolling out of their bathroom, wrapped only in a towel, plop himself down at the kitchen table with a grin from ear to ear and ask, with fork and knife in hand, “What’s for breakfast?”

While in the shower, Jessica remembered the Prince CD in her glove box and felt glad that she would finally be alone, for the next ten days, to listen to it properly. Standing, with her hands pressed against the tile, hot water streaking down her body, she decided to move toward closure and purposefully tilted her face toward the showerhead so the stream of water would tumble onto her face. Her thoughts became more solid on a decision; while Matt was away, she would break free of the grip that the past had on her. She
wanted
to move forward with Matt because he was the best man for her and loved her despite her treacherous past. Truthfully, Jessica worried how long Matt would continue to wait for her to take the huge leap of faith needed to give herself fully to him. Jessica decided she would even listen to Johnny Cash, who she would turn off every time “I Walk the Line” came on, or Joe Cocker, so that she could rid herself of all scary thoughts about loving someone and death. Love and death were a detrimental mix, like four pints of cider and no tolerance. If that didn’t work, she was thinking of having a ceremony and burning all things that were holding her back, something Aunt Lodi suggested a long time ago. Or maybe write Paul a letter and burn that. All she knew was that she needed to do something; she owed Matt that.

Matt entered the kitchen just as Jessica was making the final preparations to go to work.

“You guys get everything worked out?” Jessica asked with a smile.

“Yep, everything will be fine. You’re okay with this, Seth and his boys helping out?”

“Of course.” Jessica stepped toward him and slipped her arms around his neck. “Thanks for making sure everything runs smoothly.”

Matt looked shocked and pleased at the same time and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“I like this. I need to go away more often.”

Jessica made sure that before she went to work her kiss lingered on his lips.

As they pulled away, Matt asked her if she was all right. His concern made Jessica feel sad; here she was trying to get rid of the past and push forward with him, and he couldn’t see it because of her ambivalence toward him. She made a mental note that when he got back from Ireland she needed to continue showing him just how much she loved him.

“I’m fine, but I’ll miss you a lot. I love you very much.”

Matt’s face was brimming with happiness, and Jessica noticed it took him a long time to stop looking at her but eventually he did. He handed her a piece of paper that had the entire travel itinerary listed so she would know which home to contact them on what days. The last time Matt went to Ireland they only spoke once because it was too difficult to coordinate around time changes and schedules.

Matt closed Jessica’s truck door as she turned the ignition, sparking to life with a deep hum of her well-oiled machine. He leaned into the cab for a last good-bye kiss, showing her how much he would miss her. Jessica drove off feeling light-headed, looking at him and waving from the rearview mirror.

All day at work, Jessica’s head would throb then retreat, despite taking Advil, and she had rawness in her belly that made her believe she was reacting to her decision to move forward. She likened it to the movie
Aliens,
when the beast (her past) ripped itself out of its human shell, leaving the body it occupied lifeless; although in her fantasy, she would become a superhuman species, more awake than she had been in seventeen years, with acute senses and vision so that those around her would always feel her loving energy.

Jean worried about Matt’s absence and invited Jessica on numerous outings, enough to keep her fully occupied for the next ten days, or at least that’s how Jessica interpreted it. While thanking her profusely and agreeing to one girls’ dinner out—let’s leave the drinking behind, thank you—she needed the full ten days so that she could complete the task she committed to in the shower, something she did not want coming to light until she was ready.

Jessica took a ride on Moses when she returned from work, making an extra effort to stay quiet and centered despite the light drumming that hid behind her thoughts. The air felt stagnant, which surprised Jessica because usually in the evening the woods were full of developing smells, changing from day to night. Little bugs that were a nuisance earlier in the day came out to fully irritate. The scurrying of small animals would dissipate and the songs of the birds, which were loud and constant, became less frequent. But this evening everything seemed to be standing still, almost pressing into themselves, surrounding Jessica silently. Even Moses, who relished these moments with an untouchable spirit, seemed cautious and wide-eyed.

After Jessica put Moses back in the stall and talked to Seth’s boys, Trevor and Prescott, she took a hot shower and curled up on the couch for a night of TV watching.

The boys left well after sundown when a pair of headlights blazed into the living room. Jessica thought it was Paulina, who called earlier to say she would be home late, hanging in town with Jake and friends. But a knock on the door scattered that idea.

Aunt Lodi was shaking, tears streaking down her rumpled face.

“Jessica,” she whimpered. “Oh, Jessica.” The tears fell faster. “Your father . . . he’s . . . he’s dead.”

Jessica stood in the shadow of the doorframe, her heart skipping beats, trying to get her mind to wrap around what Aunt Lodi just said.

“Dead?” she finally whispered.

Before more words could fall out, Aunt Lodi stepped forward, engulfing Jessica in her pain.

Everyone decided to drive separately to Chicago, unsure of how long each would have to stay and balance commitments back home. Jessica was thankful. She had not set foot in Chicago since she left in the back of her mother’s car seventeen years ago. Jessica caught Aunt Lodi’s apprehensive stare as they figured out logistics. Oh, the memories were there, stronger than ever, and Jessica knew Aunt Lodi could see that. Aunt Lodi gave her some herbal pills and a daily meditation book and begged Jessica to follow her on the drive, but Jessica said she needed to be in her own thoughts, not worrying about where someone was on the road. Jessica did not want a witness to her falling apart at this bad time, even though most of her emotions were tied to the past.

In front of everyone, Jessica was taking the loss pretty evenly. However, Aunt Lodi and Paulina were a mess.

“Mom, why aren’t you crying?” Paulina commented while blowing her nose, which had turned red from using so many tissues.

Aunt Lodi spoke up before Jessica could respond. “Everyone deals with death differently; there is no right way.”

Jessica had spoken to her mother the night before, with Aunt Lodi crumpled on the couch, and she called her again before leaving the farm, explaining that each of them would be arriving separately but within the same time frame—early afternoon. Her mother sounded distant and shocked, but said that all the burial plans would be made by her and she would appreciate Jessica’s and Lodi’s opinions to be kept to themselves. Jessica figured she must have spoken to Aunt Lodi earlier who’d expressed apprehension about the plans. Her mother didn’t need to worry about Jessica’s interference; what happened to her father’s body did not matter. It was his soul she was concerned about.

The highway stretched on without much traffic, which allowed low rumbling whispers and strikingly loud thoughts to converge and jeer in Jessica’s head. She left a message for Matt at one of the relatives’ homes and worried about him, knowing how much he would worry about her. Restless feelings turned over like waves in the ocean as a strong current churned in Jessica’s belly at the thought of seeing the Ripps. What would she tell Marilee? It would be easy for anyone to figure out why she left Chicago once they met Paulina, but Marilee would be the only one to think anything significant about her name.

When Jessica laid eyes on Paulina after her birth, all she could see was Paul—his hair, his eyes, and the angular nose. Jessica told Aunt Lodi the name she originally picked would not hold up. It needed to be Paulina. Aunt Lodi met her with a concerned expression and eventually told her to do what she thought best, but to think about the now
and
the later in life when making such a definitive decision. Jessica’s youth would only allow for the now, so she gave her a namesake that would unknowingly keep Paul’s memory front and center forever.