Home From Within (30 page)

Exhaustion overtook Jessica as she said her last good-bye to Matt’s family. Jean gave her new friends good-bye hugs and approached Jessica with arms open, whispering in her ear that she would pray for her and her family and to call her
anytime.
Marilee stood in the shadows, and Jessica was surprised she did not leave with her husband. Eddie also hung back, saying he would drive her when she was ready to leave. Jessica saw Marilee’s face a lot that night, looking as if she needed more time to reconnect, but with so many people to interact with, it was difficult to escape. Marilee approached her again and was about to say something, but Paulina stepped next to Jessica.

“Mom, I need to go back to Grandma’s. I think I’m gonna pass out.”

Jessica looked at Marilee and mouthed sorry, then wrapped her arms around Paulina and walked out to Aunt Lodi’s car. Jessica did not have the energy for anything other than taking care of her child.

C
hapter
24

Jessica gazed over at Aunt Lodi who was very quiet, as was Paulina.
Everyone’s lost in their own grief,
she thought, studying Paulina through the side mirror. Paulina loved her grandfather. As Paulina got older, Aunt Lodi coached him to navigate a different relationship—giving her money and telling her to have fun with her friends. He would always give a gift of Mace or pepper spray, to which Paulina would give the recited “Thank you so much, Grandpa,” handing it over to Jessica or Aunt Lodi when he left. But he did not impose his will on Paulina; Aunt Lodi made sure of that. Jessica believed that since Aunt Lodi was put in a position to call the shots, her father had no grounds for a defense. Jessica wanted Paulina to experience a healthy relationship with her grandfather, so she guarded the past by not speaking of too many memories. She fiercely hid the fact that her father had killed Paul.

Jessica slid her hand around the back of the passenger seat to touch Paulina’s leg. Paulina reached over and grabbed hold of Jessica’s hand, squeezing it tight.

Aunt Lodi pulled into the parking lot closest to the river that her father would spend hours at, trying to escape the elements of cement and brick. New green grass had emerged from its hibernation and ran over small dips along the edge of the tree line while squirrels raced around playing an intense game of tag. It was a short walk along a paved path to get to the pavilion where the service would take place. Bob Ripp asked to give a speech and two of their close police officer friends said they would also like to say a few words.

Her mother and Jason arrived early to place a lace tablecloth and pictures on a picnic table while Seth was waiting for Jessica in the parking lot. She told him he didn’t have to come the day of the funeral but he insisted, saying that Matt would do that for his family. Matt had called and left a message on her mother’s home phone—Jessica could hear the angst in his voice. He said he was going to try to fly to Chicago, but the flights were full and he did not think he would see her for a few more days.

Jessica sat with Aunt Lodi and Paulina on an iron bench that was next to the river while Jason and her mother stood near the pictures saying hello to the small pool of people that had gathered at the edge of the picnic tables. A cold breeze sent a chill down Jessica’s body. As she shivered from the frigid air, Aunt Lodi drew her in closer and rubbed her arm for warmth. The sun was weaving in and out of the clouds, making the day feel grimmer than Jessica wanted. She started to lower her head after peeping up at the slight brightness but lit up when she saw Marilee and her family walking toward her. She had met Marilee’s husband, David, last night. He was tall and trim with a caring tone and talkative, which made Jessica wonder how he and Marilee ever got a word in edgewise with each other. Marilee’s children were also with her: Sophia, who was eight years old, branded with Marilee’s looks, and her boys, Michael and Curtis, ages seven and five respectively, who looked a lot like her husband, but Jessica could also see Eddie in them. And the Ripp confidence coursed through all Marilee’s children.

Marilee proceeded toward Jessica as her family walked under the pavilion to say hello to the rest of the Ripp clan. Bob was getting ready to say a few words and two men, one with deep creases on his face, the other wearing his bravado, lumbered up beside him.

“Hello,” Marilee whispered.

Everyone on the bench greeted her with smiles and a hug. When Jessica wrapped her arms around Marilee, she whispered that they needed to talk about something important.

Jessica nodded, but Marilee broke the hug and grabbed her hand.

“Jess, we need to talk . . .”

But before she could finish, Marilee’s father cleared his throat and asked for everyone to find a place to stand or sit. Jessica was taken aback by the sharp look on Marilee’s face. Whatever was on her mind appeared extremely important, but it would have to wait; she would not be disrespectful toward her father or Mr. Ripp on this day. Jessica sat back down with apologetic eyes. Eventually, Marilee walked to Jessica’s side of the bench, stood behind her, and rested her hand on the top of Jessica’s shoulder.

Jessica never heard Mr. Ripp say so many words in succession. He spoke in a deep voice about how he met her father, two skin and bone towheads in boot camp, and how they counted on each other, in battle, like brothers. That Jim had a deep commitment to his country, and Bob and Jim trusted each other with their lives. And because of their training, they operated a very successful private security business together.

“Jim was a man called to duty; he would never leave a person behind. He was driven by courage, loyalty, and the love of protecting others.” Mr. Ripp choked up at the end, but like a specially-trained machine wheeled it back in and finished his speech in fifteen minutes flat. Jessica could not see the people behind her but could hear a few chuckles when Bob mentioned Jim’s panache for scaring people, not in a bad way of course. The two police officers, who also served in Vietnam with Bob and Jim, gave their own rugged version of a life together, what Jim taught them, and what they would miss about him. The one theme Jessica kept hearing was his love of the life, being a private gun for hire, or as the men saw him, a one-man paramilitary force. Jim lived to keep people safe; he even died for that invaluable right. But what truly haunted Jessica the most was that her father was addicted to war.

Hearing about her father through their eyes made Jessica come to realize how little of himself he showed her. They told stories about his humorous nature and brought to light parts of his personality he hid from her.
This
thought, not of his death, made her cry. Marilee rubbed Jessica’s shoulder gently at first, but then Jessica felt a push ever so slightly. Marilee’s hand was starting to feel too forceful on her body, and Jessica wondered what the problem was but did not move her gaze from the men speaking.

As the last policeman concluded his eulogy, everyone got up to say their last good-byes to the pictures on the table. Jessica pushed herself off the bench just as Marilee tried to drive her in a certain direction. She became unbalanced and ended up turning awkwardly and falling slightly back into the bench. As Jessica lifted her head to regain equilibrium, she saw him. The him whose child she carried and raised. The him she was supposed to love now and forever. The him who was dead.
Oh God, Oh God,
kept ringing in her head. Her heart was another matter; it had stopped. Jessica tried to inhale so she would not pass out, but it was too late. Her body met the hard surface of dirt and grass in one blow.

Smudges of familiar faces crowded around her but only one did she see clearly.

He also gathered around, staring at her as if he had seen the resurrection of Christ.

“Mom, are you all right?” Paulina asked. Jessica watched his reaction to those words; he looked from Paulina to Jessica, back and forth, back and forth. His brow furrowed as he searched both their faces. She heard him ask someone if that was her daughter. Yes. She watched his face become confused, anxious, sad. She saw him turn toward Marilee and ask how old she was. Marilee met Jessica’s eyes with guilt, then looked away. Seventeen. Paul’s face collided into Jessica’s stare. He knew.

Seth pulled Jessica up and kept a grip on her until she was steady on her feet again. Everyone thought she was reacting to her father’s death; only three knew the truth. Jessica tried as hard as she could to regain a sense of stability, but she could not take her eyes off Paul.

His hair was cut close to his head but remained thick, with the same rich auburn that branded Paulina. Jessica noticed his face was the same as she remembered from their youth, with the only change coming from the lines that surrounded his eyes and the corners of his mouth. It made him look wiser, tougher too, but in a solid way. He stared at her and she could see a small tremor works its way down his throat.

Jessica whispered a thank-you to Seth as he slowly left her alone, then shooed away Jason, Aunt Lodi, and Paulina, not ready for Paul to hear her name out loud. The few gapers who hung on gradually walked away. Marilee stood by her side when Paul finally approached.

“Jessica? That is you?”

She nodded and swallowed a larger tremor in her throat, not quite able to find her voice.

He looked from her to Paulina and after a few seconds back to her. “I haven’t seen you in what, seventeen years?”

Jessica felt the blood drain from her face and she tried to say, “I thought you were dead,” but the words refused to form. Jessica’s knees began to slump, and she reached for Marilee, who twisted her fingers into hers ever so slightly.

Paul stared into her face. “And your daughter. She looks familiar.”

Jessica’s unblinking eyes filled with tears, and they spilled down her cheek. She wanted to rejoice that Paul was alive, but it was flanked by her father’s betrayal.

“She’s mine, isn’t she?”

Marilee squeezed harder, but Jessica released her fingers, grabbing Marilee’s arm, her entire body shaking as she dug into the cotton of Marilee’s sleeve.

Paul became restless, shifting back and forth, looking from Jessica to Paulina. Marilee tried to say something, but he put his hand up.

“I need to hear from her. I need her to tell me.”

Jessica was now a “her.” Her heart sank deeper into the abyss. The truth, as ugly as it was, would have to be revealed. It was not her fault; surely he would see that.

“This is not the right place,” Marilee said anyway. “Look around. Do you really want this discussed here?”

Paul’s face became more thoughtful despite the red tinge. “Fine. But I want to talk to Jessica
alone.
”

Jessica was gripped by fear, not only about facing Paul but that she would fall down again without someone to hold onto. Marilee parted slowly, showing in her face the courage Jessica needed to summon. Jessica wiped away her tears and did her best to swab her running nose, all the while taking deep breaths to calm her emotions. She knew her shaking hands would reveal her need of wanting to touch his face, desperate to make his presence even more real, so she held them tight together in front of her.

Jessica could hear intentional control in Paul’s tone as he repeated his question. Swallowing hard, she lifted her face to take the weight of whatever came her way.

“Yes. She’s yours.”

Paul’s face broke. He stepped back and Jessica could see his chest expanding, his heartbeat quick. Jessica watched as he looked at Paulina with a distant stare. She was talking to Seth and Jason, her long auburn hair being pulled gently by the spring breeze.

Paul concentrated back on Jessica’s face. “How could you? She’s mine.”

Before Jessica could explain, some men walked up—one of them was the off-duty police officer who spoke about her father. He gave Jessica quick words of sympathy and then turned to Paul.

“We’re heading up to PJ’s. Are you coming?”

Jessica watched Paul compose his face and voice. “I got some shit to do. I’ll meet up later.”

Eddie walked up and the policeman asked him the same thing. He looked apprehensively at Jessica then at Paul.

“Yeah, after the lunch.”

“Fuck that,” said one man, wearing a hat with the inscription De Oppresso Liber. “I need a drink.”

The men barely smiled as they walked toward the path to take them to the bar. Eddie stood in between Jessica and Paul, asking if they were all right. Jessica could not answer for herself. She kept staring at Paul, who looked like he wanted to take Eddie’s head off but then thought otherwise. Abruptly he searched his jacket pockets, pulling out a crumpled wrapper and taking a pen from the front pocket of his T-shirt so he could write on it. He handed it to Jessica.

“I’ll be at PJ’s later. Call me when you get there. We’ll talk then.”

Jessica nodded as she looked at the cell phone number and then watched him walk away. Eddie looked at her cautiously. “This is not my business. Marilee sent me over to make sure everything is okay.” Eddie paused for a moment. “So is it?”

Jessica half smiled, nodding she was fine, and then walked toward Paulina on wobbly legs.