Honey Whiskey (A Bastards MC Novel) (42 page)

He shifted, standing up and
stepping into the room, shutting the door behind him. His body was
tense, and he seemed like he was going to come to me, but then he
stopped himself. Crossing his arms over his chest and demanding,
“What the fuck were you thinking, Jo?”

His tone didn’t surprise me. I’d
known his first words to me were going to be something like that.
He was still Matty, after all. Cris had explained that her brother
stayed at my bedside until they knew I was ok, and then he’d camped
out in the waiting room ever since, wanting to be close but needing
space. She’d promised Matty just needed some time, that he was
pissed with himself, but that he’d come to me when he was
ready.

Cris hadn’t needed to justify it.
Most of Matty might be a mystery to me lately, but there were still
parts of him I knew better than I knew myself. First, he’d be
beating himself up, focusing on the worst-case scenario, the ‘what
could have happened,’ instead of on the positive. Next, he’d get
angry at everyone else. Finally, he’d be sad. Usually he’d let me
in, and I could help transition him through the phases. He could be
as angry with me as he needed to be, because it meant that he was
here and that he’d finally moved on to the second stage of
healing.

He looked as bad as I did, and a
hell of a lot worse than I felt. His clothes were clean but
wrinkled, as if he’d been sleeping in them for days. His hair was
disheveled, and he was working on a full beard. I desperately
wanted him to come hold me. Knowing he wasn’t ready, I offered him
a smile. “Are you ok?”

“You don’t want me to answer that
right now.” He started to pace, finally stopping in front of one of
the chairs and dropping into it, one leg bouncing repeatedly. “I
wanna know what thoughts passed through that brain of yours that
made you think going somewhere alone with a sociopath was a good
idea.”

I hobbled to the other chair and
eased myself down. My body was healing fine, but some of the
bandages that covered my wounds pulled at my skin when I moved just
right. I sighed. I knew the answer because I’d asked myself the
same question a thousand times, yet no one else had asked me. Not
even the detectives.

I swallowed, trying to get the
lump to go down. “I was thinking I’d heard the screams of that
monster torturing them for hours on end. I was thinking that I’d
just seen a woman shot in the face. The face, Matty!” I closed my
eyes, willing images of happier times to replace those from that
night.

“I was thinking
that I was tied to a chair and forced to watch as they beat Taylor,
even though she was already hurt and didn’t have much fight left. I
was thinking that Jessie was so terrified she was shaking.” I
opened my eyes, but I couldn’t look at him, so I focused on the
worn grey tiles on the floor, pushing my hands into my stomach to
help ease the butterflies that had taken up permanent
residence.

“I was thinking that a sadistic
fuck was coming after her with a blowtorch, probably not for the
first time, and that I couldn’t sit there and do nothing.” I didn’t
realize I was crying until the tears fell on my hands like rain
drops. I swiped at my face, and my voice broke. “I was thinking
that he was just going to keep hurting us if I didn’t do something.
I was thinking it was my only chance to save us. I was thinking
that you would risk your life to save them, so why shouldn’t
I?”

“Joes.” Matty’s
voice was soft, suddenly full of unbridled emotion.

I didn’t stop. “If you’re asking
if I thought about you, the answer is yes. I thought about how much
the idea of never seeing you again terrified me. I thought about
how if I could just give them a little while longer that you would
find them, because you would move Heaven and Earth to get to me.” I
swallowed painfully and tucked my hair behind my ear before I
brought my eyes back to his. “I thought about you every time I
closed my eyes, praying you’d come rescue me, because I wanted you
to tell me you loved me one more time. I know I scared you, Matty.
But, I didn’t do it to hurt you.”

He sat forward putting his elbows
on his thighs, halting his restless leg, and rubbed his palms
together. “I can’t begin to tell you…” He stopped, looking at the
window. Silence surrounded us, but I refused to prompt him. He
needed to say whatever was on his mind and he needed to do it in
his own time.

After what felt like ages, his
eyes turned back to me. “Before we talk about anything else,” he
started slowly, “I need to know about Lily.” He wet his lips. “I
immediately wanted to dismiss it, to think that you were just using
what you could to get him to take you out of that warehouse. But,
Taylor told me there was no way you were lying, that she could see
the truth on your face. I can’t stop thinking about it. Once I knew
you were going to be ok, that I wasn’t going to lose…” he trailed
off and blew out a deep breath. His eyes filled with tears and I
had to fight the urge to run to him. When he spoke again, his voice
was a hoarse whisper. “I looked at the calendar, Jo.”

I raised my eyebrows in confusion
and then vaguely remembered worrying about this exact thing before
I was taken to the camp. It seemed like a lifetime ago and I hadn’t
thought about it since. I did need to apologize for lying, but when
I opened my mouth, he cut me off. “Lily came early—thirty eight
weeks. At least, that’s what you told us. Say she didn’t come
early, and you count back forty weeks, and you know what I found?
You end up right around the time you came to my hotel room and
stayed after Becky kicked me out.” I shook my head, but he
continued anyway. “I know I was out of it, that I said and did a
fuck ton of terrible shit that week. I’ve wracked my brain for
days, trying to piece together the timeline, trying to remember
anything that would tell me we slept together.”

I shook my head again,
cutting off any further argument from him. “You won’t remember
something that didn’t happen.” I adjusted slightly in my chair,
trying to relieve some of the pressure from my ribs.
“
I would never have kept your daughter a
secret from you while letting you be an adoring uncle, Matty. How
could you think that?”

He raised an eyebrow and gave me a
cold stare. “You had me help name her! You talked me into going to
ultrasounds whenever Billy couldn’t make it! You made sure you
showed me videos of every one of her firsts and invited me to every
party, play, and school event. You had me involved just enough so
that I would never miss anything. Why would you do that if it
wasn’t true?”

“Because you’re
my best friend! Because you were fucking struggling and needed
something to distract you. Because you’re her Godfather and it’s
your job to be involved! Do you really think I’d keep something
that important from you?” He shrugged as if he had no doubt I would
exactly do just that.

“I don’t know
what to think, Joes.”

I was too tired to deal with this
Matty and this right issue right now. “Think I loved you enough to
concoct a lie I thought I could sell, no matter how wild it was,
just so I could see you again. Think Taylor is a bitch that likes
to cause drama for you and me every chance she gets. I helped save
her life. You’d think that’d get me a little bit of a break!” I
snapped.

Matty chuckled at that and the
sound surprised me. “She is a bitch that likes to cause drama. But,
she was only trying to stop you because she thought you were
telling the truth. She knew that if our daughter was taken, the
Bastards wouldn’t stop until we got her back.”

“You weren’t going to stop until
you got me back!” I bit out. “I knew that. I needed to buy you some
time. That’s why I lied. So, what’s the difference?”

“Because in her mind, Bear
wouldn’t risk his life to save you. But, he would do whatever it
took to get Lily back.”

“Bear? What? Why in the hell does
she care what he does?”

“Apparently they’re
together.”

“What?” I stared
at him in disbelief. I just couldn’t picture the young man I adored
sleeping with Taylor. Ellie was sweet, innocent, and kind.
Everything that Taylor wasn’t. How in the hell had that happened?
Apparently the world really had gone crazy. I lifted my hands and
scrubbed gently at my face.

The sound that came out of Matty
was something a wounded animal would make. I jerked my hands away
in surprise, looking to see what was wrong. He was staring at me.
I’d forgotten I had on a tank top and when I’d lifted my arms
without thinking, he’d seen the marks. I lowered them as fast as I
could, bringing up my hands to hug myself, covering what I could.
They didn’t hurt anymore, and I forgot they were there because I
didn’t have to look at them.

Matty pushed out of the chair,
falling to his knees in front of me, putting his hands on the arms
of the chair, boxing me in. Bending over a little, he leaned down
so we were eye to eye. “I would give anything to take away what you
went through, anything to make it all just a bad dream.”

“I know, baby.”
I lifted my hands to his cheeks and moved my thumbs over his
whiskers. I don’t think he’d shaved since the day I was taken.
“But, I’m ok. I’m alive. I’m right here,” I whispered, trying to
soothe him, seeing the sadness in his eyes.

“
What can I do to make it better?
Tell me what you need and whatever it is, I’ll get it.”

“I need you,
Matty. Just you. Tell me we’re ok.” He pulled back a little,
surprised. He swallowed as his eyes moved over my face, taking in
the stitches over my eyebrow, the split lip, the swollen cheek, and
the bruised chin before drifting lower. His growl told me he was
seeing the light gray and green handprints wrapping around my neck
that hadn’t quite faded completely. Then the baby blues I loved
moved lower, over my chest and down my arms, stopping often, as if
cataloging each mark and every contusion.

I’d seen my reflection and
knew how bad it was. But, I needed him to look past the image in
front of him, to see me. I wasn’t a client or a job. I wasn’t
someone that he needed to feel guilt over. I needed him to
see
me
; to
remember that it was me in here.

“
Kiss me, Matty. Make me
forget.”

His eyes snapped back to mine and he shook his
head once. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Matty, so help me God, if you
don’t—” His mouth fell on mine, gently. After a minute, his arms
came around me.

He moved back slightly, sliding
his face to my neck but not loosening the grip he had on my body.
“I was so scared, Joes. I’ve never felt like that in my life. He
hurt you because of me, and…” he broke off, crying soundlessly.
Every so often, he would babble, apologizing for putting me in that
spot, vowing to never let anyone hurt me again, or just to tell me
he loved me.

I let him cry, running my hands
over his head and back, whispering words when I could, assuring him
it wasn’t his fault, promising him that I didn’t blame him. A nurse
peeked in at one point, but I waved her away. Matty and I needed
this moment, because without it, we would never heal. My funny,
caring friend needed reassurance that I was ok, that I was still
here with him. My scary, commanding biker needed to release the
tension and fear he’d been carrying around. I was going to do what
I did best, sit here and hold him, loving him until the
end.

Chapter 38

Jo

I could see him watching me out of
the corner of my eye, but kept reading. We’d been playing this game
for a solid twenty minutes. He’d stop what he was doing and stare
at me, I’d glance over at him, and he’d quickly look back at the
paper in front of him. I finished the article and turned the page
of the Martha Stewart Weddings magazine Jessie had picked up for
me. This time, though, I just skimmed the pictures of a beautiful
reception.

Not being able to take it anymore, I laughed
but didn’t look up. “Why are you staring at me?”

“
I’m not.” I lifted my eyes to
his, catching him in the act. Matty only smirked. “Maybe I
was.”

“Mmhhmm.” I nodded, scowling at
him. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, but winked. “Can’t a man
stare at a beautiful woman?”

I wanted to roll my eyes, or point
out that I was wearing a pair of his old sweats that were three
sizes too big for me and stained with God knows what, or bring
attention to the fact that my face still looked like I’d been used
as a human piñata and I hadn’t washed my hair with anything but dry
shampoo in the last three weeks, but, instead, I tipped my head and
smiled. He always knew the right thing to say to diffuse my
irritation. “Well, you’d better enjoy the view while you can. I’m
getting married soon, and my husband is tad bit
possessive.”

“No!” He grabbed his chest
playfully. “You can’t marry him! I won’t let you.” He stood
abruptly, moving from his chair to the loveseat where I was
stretched out, picking my feet up, sliding under them, and putting
them on his lap as he sat. He didn’t move his hands, though, and
they massaged my calves absentmindedly. “What’s he have that I
don’t?”

I raised one eyebrow, playing along. “A better
taste in music. He knows Modest Mouse and Green Day are so
yesterday. ”