Honey Whiskey (A Bastards MC Novel) (43 page)

“Now, that’s just mean.” The hands
on my legs slid to my feet and started to tickle. My magazine fell
to the floor as I thrashed against him, giggling uncontrollably. He
was laughing and saying, “Tickle, tickle, tickle,” in a high
pitched voice that made the whole thing even more amusing, and I
was certain I was going to pee my pants before he let me
go.

The thought immediately generated
memories of Jessie, and I felt my face fall as my heart started to
pound. I recovered, but not quickly enough. Matty pulled his hands
away from my feet, sat up a little, and in one simple move,
transferred me so that I was straddling his lap, his hands limp by
his sides. This was our ‘safe zone’.

Over the last couple of weeks, we’d discovered
that certain situations brought me back to the camp. When I’d been
discharged, the Dr. and the psychologist had both explained the
effects of PTSD to us. I’d laughed it off, telling them I was
educated enough to know all about post-traumatic stress and that I
was fine. For the most part, I was.

However, there were times that my
anxiety hit or panic set in. The hardest part for Matty was that we
never knew what would prompt an attack. Once it was something as
simple as him rushing through the bedroom door, late to a meeting.
I’d been on the other side of the room, but it wasn’t Matty I’d
seen, it was Thing two. I’d collapsed into a fit of tears,
terrifying poor Matty, and embarrassing myself. Another time it had
been the smell of Tank’s cigarette, which he’d immediately thrown
over the edge of the balcony and then spent twenty minutes holding
me while I sobbed into his neck.

Matty had been so sure that
physical contact would be a trigger, but we’d avoided that bomb so
far. In his arms, I was safe and felt protected. Even so, whenever
I had an episode, he very quickly became submissive, making sure I
knew on every level that I controlled our contact. We would go as
slow and as easy as I wanted, and he would be right there,
supporting me but not pushing.

Which is exactly why he pulled me
onto his lap and wasn’t touching me. When I was on top of him, I
could get up and leave anytime I wanted. I was not a prisoner here,
no one was going to hurt me. The sweet gesture brought tears to my
eyes. This man was trying so hard to make everything ok, to let me
know that he was here and give me whatever I needed. And I loved
him ever more for it, even though I never would have imagined that
being possible.

I moved my body closer to his and
leaned down to kiss the little patch of hair below his bottom lip.
I heard him swallow and moved my lips up onto his. He sighed but
didn’t move his hands from the cushions. I sat up, intending to
smile down at him, but lost my train of thought when I felt his
reaction to my closeness. He was hard as a rock beneath
me.

We hadn’t been intimate yet. My
body had been too sore to do much more than walk from one chair to
the other at first, and then I’d been very aware of how I still
looked. It wasn’t that I wasn’t physically ready, because I was,
even though my Dr. hadn’t given me the green light yet. No, it was
Matty that was holding us back from crossing that line. He hadn’t
even attempted to do anything more than kiss me.

“Jesus, I’m
sorry, Joes,” he whispered, moving his hands to my thighs to halt
my movements.

“Why?” I shifted again, grinding
against him lightly. He groaned and gave me a dirty look, making me
giggle. I leaned down, lightly kissing a line down his jaw.
“Matty?” I slid my hands down his chest, loving the hardness I felt
beneath. He’d been exercising again, sweating his stress away and
toning up the muscles I loved so much. “Why don’t we…”

His hands wrapped around my
wrists, preventing any further exploration, and he leaned his head
away from mine. “We can’t, Joes.” His voice was stern but not
angry.

There was no arguing with him when
he had that tone, so I just nodded. We didn’t have to have sex
right now, there’d be plenty of time later, and I technically
should wait until I’d been cleared by a medical professional. But,
he’d wanted to. I’d felt the evidence. I’d turned Matty
on.

The thought brought a smile to my
lips. Deep down, so far down I refused to acknowledge it, I’d been
worried. The look he’d given me the day the Bastards rescued me was
one I would never forget and made me believe I was too damaged for
him to ever want again. And, there were times I felt like he would
never forgive me for putting myself in that situation. I’d never
been so happy to be wrong in my life. Matty’s body wanted mine. I
grinned like a mad woman and planted a kiss on his lips.

“Sorry kids. Didn’t mean to
interrupt.” Tank’s deep voice startled us and Matty quickly moved
me back to my side of the loveseat. Tank laughed, a deep, throaty
sound. “Jesus, Mateo, you’re acting like you just got caught
jerking off. Chill man.” He held up his hands as he walked to the
chair. “Prez wantsta see ya.”

Matty hesitated a second too long
so I nudged his arm. “Go! I’ll be fine. Hawk’ll stay with me,” I
insisted. He’d been spending way too much time with me, and I knew
he must be aching to get on his bike.

Tank laughed again. “Ooo, Brothah just got
dismissed by his lady love.”

Matty’s middle finger shot up in Tank’s
direction but he looked at me. “I’ll be right back.”

I nodded, puckering my lips for a
kiss. He gave me a quick peck as he stood, and within seconds he
was gone, nodding to Tank as he went. We sat there, staring at the
city until the roar of Matty’s bike faded down the
street.

Tank immediately stood, taking the
other side of the loveseat next to me. His face was serious now,
all humor gone. “How we doin’ today?”

I sighed, leaning the side of my
head against his shoulder. I loved my sessions with Tank. He came
over almost every day, and we would sit out here talking. He’d
promised me that anything I said to him stayed with him, unless I
wanted to tell Matty. The few minutes I got to spend with him were
much more beneficial than any I would spend with a therapist. “He
still won’t touch me.”

A thick arm draped over my
shoulders. “Give him time. I can’t tell you what’s goin’ on in that
mind of his, but if it was me, I’d be afraid I’d get too rough and
hurt you. Or, touch you in a way that would bring on a flashback.
Think about it, L.K. If you two are in the middle of gettin’ busy
and you have an attack because of the way he touched you, neither
of you will be getting’ over that any time soon. It’s better to
wait.”

“Jessie and Rocker didn’t wait,” I
pointed out without thinking.

Tank gave me a look that made me
laugh. “Gross! I don’t want to think about my little sister’s sex
life,” he teased. Then he cleared his throat, and I knew we were
about to get into serious topics. “She had a different experience
than you did, babe. I think that might have been the only way she
had to drive her bad memories away.”

I shuddered. Jessie’d had a much
different experience. She had been raped. When the girls first
started opening up about what had happened in the warehouse,
everyone expected that I’d start sharing soon. I hadn’t felt the
need to talk to anyone other than Tank, so I stayed
quiet.

When she’d told Rocker how that
fucker had brutalized her, every Bastard took the news hard. Bear
had hired a top notch counselor to go to the clubhouse and help
Taylor work through her memories. When they learned that she’d
suffered the same way Jessie had, they started looking at me with
pity and tiptoeing around me even more.

I couldn’t take the way Matty was
always staring at me with his sad puppy dog eyes, so I finally
broke down and clarified some things. I didn’t tell him what had
happened. As strong as he was, there were just some things I knew
he couldn’t handle, and my treatment fell into the ‘lose my shit’
category. Instead, I put all their minds at ease and made it very
clear that I had escaped the ordeal without losing that part of
myself.

Tank knew what had happened
though. He’d told me that I needed to tell someone, he didn’t care
who it was, as long as I told someone, because if I didn’t, it
would eat away at me until I snapped. One day, not long after I’d
been back in Boston, he’d come to visit after a particularly rough
anxiety attack, and I let it all out.

He’d sat next to me on the
loveseat, just like we were now, and listened as I told him they’d
held me down and hurt me for no apparent reason other than they
were sadistic fucks. They didn’t ask me any questions about the
Bastards or Matty, or demand to know any secrets. No, instead they
taunted me, saying horrible things, and did their best to make me
scream. I’d bitten my lip and I’d cried until I had no more tears,
but I never gave those pricks the satisfaction of a
scream.

After I was finished, he hadn’t
told me he was sorry it happened. He didn’t stand up and rush off
so that I wouldn’t see his tears. He didn’t get angry that they’d
hurt me or say that I’d brought it on myself.

No, he’d turned to me, lifted my
chin, and given me a giant smile. “You are fuckin’ tough as nails,
you know that, yeah? I’m so fuckin’ proud of you, Kid!” And then
he’d pulled me against him, and we’d sat there in silence until
Matty came out. I never asked if he’d given me those compliments
because of what I went through or because I’d finally let someone
in. It felt like he meant it for both.

Every day after that he came back.
Some days we processed my memories, some I listened while he
reminisced about Tink, others, we worried about Jessie together or
talked about the latest club gossip. He’d fill me in on the legal
ramifications the club was facing, or tell me stories that would
make me laugh until I cried about what a terror Taylor was in the
clubhouse. We literally could talk about nothing and I would come
away with a smile. Tank was so much more than the man that fondled
me all those weeks ago. He was the friend that was helping me find
myself again.

“
So,” he asked, pulling the
conversation to happier topics, “how’s wedding planning
going?”

“Ugh!” I rolled my eyes. “Matty
wants a massive gathering. Apparently the Bastards negotiate with
terrorists, because he’s giving in to her every demand.”

Tank chuckled. “Your mom?”

I shook my head. I doubted my mom
would even come down for the ceremony. “No, worse than her.
Lily.”

That made him laugh until he was
coughing. “Yeah, Dean says she’s a little firecracker like her
mom,” he managed to get out.

I shook my head. “Oh, no. This
goes beyond me. I wanted it to be just us, the kids, and a couple
of friends. But, Miss Lily-Belle and Cris decided that it would be
mean to leave out anyone. The two of them are bad enough, but once
Jessie jumped ship and joined the enemy, I was screwed!” I may not
have wanted a large wedding, but it seemed to be just the
distraction most of my friends needed. “Now, I’m stuck with three
bridesmaids, two junior bridesmaids, a maid-of-honor and a flower
princess, because flower girl sounds too babyish.”

He chuckled again. “Mateo asked me
to be a groomsman.” He sounded surprised, and I looked at him
questioning his tone. “We’ve known each other forever, but we
haven’t been close in a while.” He shrugged. “Didn’t expect the
honor.”

I smiled, cuddling down into his
shoulder. “He loves you, and he knows that you are one of the
reasons I’m smiling again. Did you say yes?”

His shoulder nudged me forward.
“Fuckin’ right I did. Mateo Murphy is marrying the woman of his
dreams and throwing a big assed bash afterward. I wouldn’t miss
that for the world. Plus, I wanna see him cry like a baby when he
sees how gorgeous you are walkin’ down the aisle. Great
blackmailin’ opportunity.”

We talked more about wedding stuff until Matty
came back. I’d hoped he’d stay for dinner since Rocker was never
home anymore, but he turned me down. He stayed with Jessie at
night, and he was in a hurry to get back. I didn’t blame
him.

“
You seem awfully chipper
tonight.”

I glanced up from my plate, trying to fight
the smile. “Chipper?”

Matty nodded. “Yes chipper. Like cheerful,
happy for no reason.” He smiled. “It’s nice to see.”

I set my fork down and sent him a
cool look. “Aren’t you just a little curious why I’m so happy? I
mean, you have been gone all afternoon and when you come back your
girlfriend is all happy, and you’re not the least bit
curious?”

His mouth quirked, fighting a smile. “Now that
you mention it, my interest has been peaked.”

“
Hmmm.” I picked up the fork and
stabbed at a cucumber. “Let’s go for a run.”

“You think you’re up for it?” I
nodded vigorously. He turned his head, watching me closely. “We
haven’t gone running together in almost a year. I’m not sure you
can keep up.”

I laughed at his challenge.
“Listen, old man, I’ll keep up just fine.”

We left the dishes on the table and dinner on
the stove and changed into running gear.

Ten minutes in, I was gasping for
breath and my ribs ached, but I felt better than I had in weeks.
Matty refused to let me push through the pain, turning us around
instead, and walking with my hand in his.