Honeymooners A Cautionary Tale (49 page)

You look ravishing, Lindsay
said. —You look breathtaking, really. You look as lovely as a
bride.

A blushing bride? Alice Ann
said. —Does it make me look young and innocent? Ralph, does
it?

You bet, Ralph said. —You
look real pretty. You do. How much did it cost, really?

What’s up? Jim said as he
strolled into the kitchen. He was wearing jeans and a T-shirt and
his cowboy boots. —Is it time for breakfast or something? What time
is it, anyway?

Come on, Ralph, Alice Ann
said. —Dance with me. Let’s dance and think about it later. Let’s
dance with utter abandon. Let’s be abandoned like in the old days,
Ralph.

You know I have two left
feet, Ralph said. —I’d stomp on your foot, and then you’d bop me
one, and then where would we be. Lefts and rights. We better leave
well enough alone, is my best thought on this matter.

Goddamn it, Ralph, Alice Ann
said. —Get up off your fat ass and dance with your wife. If you
love me, you’ll get up and dance. If you don’t love me, then you
won’t. End of story.

It’s been a real long day,
Lindsay said. —Maybe we should all just retire for the rest of the
night, get some shut-eye.

Hey, Jim said, I’ve got a
bright idea. I got you guys some stuff for your second-honeymoon
trip, a sort of surprise package that I was going to give you to
take along and open up later. But, hey, why wait?

Jim, honey, Lindsay said, I
don’t think it’s such a good idea for tonight. Or this morning, I
should say. Everybody is dead tired and a mite strung-out. It’s
been a long, stressful day.

It’ll be fun, Jim said.
—It’ll be a riot. I’m wide awake now.

I’ve had about all the fun
for one day I can handle, Lindsay said.

A surprise package you say?
Ralph said.

It’ll be a million laughs,
Jim said and headed back toward the door. —I’ve got it stashed in
the bedroom. Nobody move, Jim said, and hurried from the room. When
he returned in a blink, he placed a paper bag whose top was tied
with a pink bow in the center of the table.

They’re just some gag gifts,
Jim said. —They’ll be a hoot.

I really think we ought to
wait until morning, Lindsay said.

Oh, Lindsay, Jim said, don’t
be such a spoilsport, baby. So, here you go, folks, one
honeymooners’ deluxe package of delightful items to be utilized for
debauchery and decadence and just plain old dirty sex. I took a bus
all the way down to the sleazy Tenderloin to shop for these sinful
little items. Well, go on, old Ralph. Open it up, boy.

This isn’t one of your
tricks, is it, old Jim? Ralph said. —Nothing is going to, you know,
spring out at me and explode or something, is it? A trick like that
could, you know, put a person’s eye out.

Here, for God’s sake, Jim
said, and opened the package. —Here, Ralph, here’s something I got
just for you. Something you’ve always needed from what I hear, Jim
said, and handed Ralph a small blue jar.

What’s this? Ralph said, and
held the jar up to read its label. —Doctor Dick, Ralph read, and
laughed, his big shoulders shaking. —Doctor Dick, the ultimate
prolong lotion.

Just rub some of that blue
stuff on your dick, Ralph, and your problems are over, Jim said.
—No more humiliation and heartbreak in the droopy-dick department,
old Ralph. And here, Jim said, rummaging in the sack, some
Kamasutra Nipple Nectar. Listen to this: “Let him taste the sweet,
full fruit of your ripe breasts. As soon as this invisible drip of
pure pleasure meets his lips, he will kiss, nibble, lick, and suck
you like a hungry child.”

Chinese Nympho Clitoral
Cream, Ralph read from a clear glass jar full of purple fluid, and
laughed. —Now this is a little item you aren’t going to find on
every store’s shelf.

Wild Cherry-Flavored Peter
Licker, Alice Ann read from a label on a red jar. —A sucker’s
delight, it says here. Yum, yum. I certainly wish I had had this
tawdry treasure last night, when it might have come in
handy.

What does that mean, anyway,
Alice Ann? Ralph said.

Oh, Ralph, just wake up and
smell the coffee, Alice Ann said. —But what’s done is done, don’t
you agree?

What does that mean, anyway?
Ralph said. —Why do you always have to talk in riddles?

So you’ll just have to learn
to live with what’s over and done, just like I’ve had to do, Ralph,
Alice Ann said. She picked up a tube and read from its label:
“Lovers’ Lubricant, delicious, cinnamon- flavored, fragrant,
slippery, wet, and wild.”

Hey, Jim said, this is all
gag stuff. This was supposed to be a joke. Lindsay, do we have any
Alka-Seltzer? I feel pukey and have this godawful taste in my
mouth.

In the old days these tawdry
items would have been worthless to Ralph and me, Alice Ann said.
—Except for a cheap laugh. In the old days Ralph and I never had
any difficulty in the fucking- each-other’s-brains-out department.
Even the tawdry fact that he was fucking you, Lindsay, didn’t
reflect upon our own wildly satisfying sex. All it reflected upon
was Ralph’s tawdry penchant for betrayal. Ralph has always felt
perfectly comfortable with betrayal. Ralph has always had no
conscience when it came to his pathetic, little leaning tower of
penis.

Hon, please, Lindsay
said.

You just had to start up,
didn’t you, Alice Ann! Ralph said.

Listen, Lindsay said, let’s
all call it a night.

Ralph was once my
everything, Alice Ann said. —Just like the song says. I can
actually remember when I was a person who had some pride. When I
felt my life had some direction and meaning. But then Ralph went
outside the marriage, and that meant that I was not good enough for
him except in the wild abandoned sex department. We never needed
any of this sort of tawdry crap in order to fuck each other’s
brains out, did we, Ralph? So, okay, Jim, we can, Ralph and I, use
all the help we can get. So what about this Kamasutra Nipple
Nectar, Lindsay? Do you recommend it? Does it work for you? Does
it make Ralph kiss, nibble, lick, and suck you like a hungry
child?

Oh, hon, Lindsay said, and
reached across the table to put her hand on top of Alice Ann’s. —We
all need a good night’s sleep, that’s all.

You’re right, Jim said, and
yawned. —I think it’s high time we all hit the old sack.

What I need to figure out,
Alice Ann said, is exactly when my husband decided to hate me. I
need to know when he decided to turn on me and cause me anguish and
humiliation and to expose my pain to the world and then abandon me
forever. And all the bitter, hard, sad things about my only
marriage, which is the single greatest failure of my lifetime, have
been laid bare for the world’s amusement. That tragic rock has been
rolled over again and again, and finally anyone I once thought I
was or could again become is dead and buried. All my life’s blood
has been slowly drained from my body over the long reincarnations
of my failed marriage. Well, I’m willing to try anything, Alice Ann
said, and began unbuttoning the brocade front of her
dress.

Here we go again! Ralph
said. —You just have to give everybody another eyeful, right, Alice
Ann?

Please, Alice Ann, Lindsay
said.

Just shut up! Alice Ann
said. She lifted her left breast free from her dress and opened the
tiny glass jar of Kamasutra Nipple Nectar and began rubbing
fingertips of the purple cream over her nipple. —So, Ralph, what do
you think? Hungry? Do you want to kiss and lick and suck my nipple
one last time, like the hungry piece-of-shit you have always
been?

I think you’ve gone nuts,
Ralph said. —That’s my best opinion of that business.

Not doing the trick, huh?
Alice Ann said. —Let’s try something else. You love ketchup over
everything, right, Ralph? Alice Ann said, and got up from the table
and walked over to the refrigerator. She rummaged around inside
and then turned and held up a bottle of ketchup. She undid the
bottle top and began to methodically splash ketchup up and down the
front of her dress.

Don’t, Alice Ann, don’t!
Lindsay cried, and jumped up. She threw her arms around Alice Ann
and held her for a moment, and then led Alice Ann back to the
table. —Hon, your beautiful white dress, Lindsay said, and helped
Alice Ann sit down. —We can get that out. We’ll soak it overnight
and it will be good as new.

Nothing is ever going to be
as good as new or ever innocent again once it’s ruined, Alice Ann
said. —Is this enough for one night, Ralph? Will this keep you
going for a while?

This has to end, Ralph said,
and lit a cigarette. He emptied a bottle of champagne into a glass,
half filling it, and tossed it down. —Once and for all, Alice
Ann.

My life is over because of
you, you miserable, ruthless, cold- hearted sonofabitch, Alice Ann
said, and she tossed the nearly empty bottle of ketchup at Ralph’s
head. Ralph ducked back just in time, and the bottle smashed
against the far wall. Lindsay clinched Alice Ann’s forearms from
across the table.

Enough! Lindsay cried.
—Alice Ann, enough!

Put a stop to this madness,
somebody! Ralph said. —Call the police, somebody. Somebody call
them. This woman is crazy. We are dealing with a crazy person here,
I’m telling you.

Jim, Lindsay said, Jim, do
something.

Me? Jim said. —Why always
me? Okay, Alice Ann, you behave yourself. You behave yourself, or
you’ll have to go to bed without your breakfast. Hey, what would
you guys like for breakfast, anyway? How about a stack of waffles
for my crazy friends?

Billy, Alice Ann said,
wanted me to be sure to let you know, Ralph, just how guilty he
felt about the blow job, and he hoped you wouldn’t hold it against
him.

What in the world did you
just say, Alice Ann? Ralph said.

Blame me, Ralph, for Billy’s
world-class blow job, Alice Ann said. —It was I who insisted on
sucking Billy’s enormous boner until his old fat cheeks just about
caved in. Now I suggest we put that business behind us and let
bygones be bygones. I, for one, will drink to that, Alice Ann said,
and picked up a half-filled glass of flat champagne and drank it
down. She threw the empty glass at Ralph’s head.

Ralph flinched just in time,
taking the glass high on his shoulder. He jumped up from his
chair, and Alice Ann shook free from Lindsay’s grasp and jumped up
also. Alice Ann grabbed a small knife from the cheeseboard and
started around the table for Ralph. Ralph grabbed an empty wine
bottle from the table and half swung, half threw it at Alice Ann,
hitting her high on the side of her head, where it shattered and
rained the room with flying green glass. Jim jumped at Ralph and
tried to grab him in a hold as they tumbled over a chair onto the
floor. Alice Ann ran from the room down the hallway. Lindsay stood
there in the middle of the kitchen, mouth agape, clutching her
throat, as she watched Jim and Ralph wrestle around on the floor,
cursing, grunting, flailing arms and legs as they knocked over
chairs and kicked the kitchen table, bottles, glasses, cups
bouncing from it to smash on the floor. Finally they stopped
rolling around and lay there, a tangle of arms and legs, gasping
for air. Lindsay ran from the room after Alice Ann.

When he finally more or less
caught his breath, Jim gasped, Okay, Ralph, have you had
enough?

Me? Ralph gasped. —What
about you? I’ve got you in a hold.

Are you crazy, Ralph? Jim
croaked. —I’ve got you pinned.

That’s news to
me.

Just say uncle, Ralph, and
I’ll let you up.

You say uncle.

You say it first.

I don’t see why I’m the one
who has to say it first, Ralph said.

Okay, goddamn it, Ralph.
Let’s just both say it at the same time and get the fuck up off the
floor.

Let’s neither of us say
it.

All right, Ralph, Jim said,
and they both let their grips on each other loose, and they flopped
back on the floor wheezing.

Finally, Jim pulled himself
to his feet, staggered over to an overturned chair, righted it, and
flopped down. Ralph crawled across the floor to another overturned
chair, righted it, and pulled himself up.

Are you all right, Ralph?
Jim said. —I didn’t hurt you bad, did I? I was trying to go easy on
you.

Hurt me? How about you? Did
I hurt you is the question.