Hope Over Fear (Over #1) (35 page)

Thankfully, Abby’s vaginal bleeding is bloody show, which is a completely normal progression of labor. She’s four centimeters dilated, and she calms considerably once she hears the baby’s heartbeat and receives IV pain medication for the contractions. Shortly after being admitted, the anesthesiologist arrives and gives Abby an epidural.

Sitting quietly in a chair next to her bed, I watch Abby rest with the baby’s heartbeat thumping melodically in the background. I can’t imagine what she’s feeling right now. I’ve done my best to prepare her for this day, but all preparation pales in comparison to the reality. Which is that she’s giving her baby away today. Yes, she found her baby wonderful parents, and she’ll still be a part of her daughter’s life, but I know better than anyone how the mind tends to focus on the hurt, the pain, and the bone-crushing guilt. I’ll be taking my cues from Abby today; I’ll try my best to be what she needs.

Her eyes don’t open, but a tear trickles out and rolls silently down her cheek. “When are you going to call them?” she whispers.

“When you’re ready,” I say, reaching out to hold her hand. “And not a minute before, okay?”

“Tom and Ellie would want to be here. Please call them,” she says with a surprisingly steady voice. “And Caroline, too.”

“Okay. I’m going to step out into the hall and make the calls.” I squeeze her hand again and wait until her eyes open to speak. “I’m here for you today, Abby. Anything you need from me, I’ll take care of it. I know we have talked about how you wanted the delivery to happen, but things are flexible. You agreed to have Ellie in the delivery room for the birth, but if it’s too much for you, I can ask her to step out. Me, Tom, and Ellie, Caroline? We all know this is probably one of the most difficult and emotional days of your life, and we all will do whatever it takes to help you. Okay?”

A sob escapes Abby’s lips, and she nods before she closes her eyes and turns away from me.

“Okay, Abby, one more good push, and we’ll have a baby. Can you do that for me?” Dr. Adams asks.

Abby nods silently and looks to me for reassurance. I gently squeeze her hand and give her a quick nod. Abby’s labor progressed quickly, and she’s been pushing for about forty-five minutes. Ellie stands silently behind Caroline with tears of anticipation brimming in her eyes. She’s been compassionate and understanding with Abby all day, but has done her best to stay in the background, not wanting to be an unwelcome reminder of what’s to come.

“All right, Abby, your contraction is starting, so give me a good push, okay?”

Caroline and I pull back her legs, and she grips behind her knees, holds her breath, and starts pushing. After three consecutive pushes that completely wipe Abby out, Dr. Adams delivers a beautiful baby girl and exclaims, “Time of birth, 1305! Abby, the nurse will clean the baby a bit, and then give her to you, okay?”

Abby’s head jerks up, and she frantically looks back and forth. “Ellie!” Ellie steps up to the bed and gives her full attention to Abby. “Please, you have to take the baby out of the room. I’ve changed my mind. I can’t see her right now. I just can’t do it!”

Ellie nods at her and soothingly brushes Abby’s hair across her forehead in a calming gesture. “Of course. I’ll take her and we’ll go see Tom in the room next door. Whenever you’re ready, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks … thank you,” Abby says, relaxing considerably.

“Abby, I’m going to go with Ellie and the baby for procedural purposes, okay?” Caroline asks in a soft voice.

“Sara can stay, right? I don’t want her to leave me.” Abby says, reaching out to me.

“Of course, Abby. I’m not going anywhere.” I wait for Dr. Adams to finish Abby’s repair and watch with a heavy heart as Ellie exits the room with a tiny bundle wrapped in her arms. Ellie’s elation about her new daughter rolls off her in waves, and I try to balance that with the extreme sorrow I know Abby is feeling. The room is a contradictory mix of emotions.

After everyone leaves the room, Abby turns to me with tears streaming down her face. “I feel like I need to grieve losing her as my daughter before I can see her and hold her. I can’t meet her until I come to terms with her being Tom and Ellie’s child. I know I’m doing the right thing, but I feel like someone’s ripping my insides out,” she sobs. I crawl into the bed with Abby and hold her, resting her head on my shoulder. There are no words to make this better. The only thing I can give Abby is a shoulder to cry on, and that’s what I do.

“I love her so much, Sara. I may not have held her in my arms, but I’ve carried her for nine months. I carried her in my heart, in my soul. I would do anything to protect her. I hate that I have to give her up to protect her … from me, from my screwed up life.” Abby’s confession unravels me and tears spill onto my cheeks unbridled. I methodically rub her back and rock her as she mourns the loss of her baby girl.

Abby eventually cries herself to sleep, and I follow closely behind her. Sleep comes to me in fits and starts as my mind tries to make sense of the last twenty-four hours. Adam’s romantic gestures, Melody’s psycho diatribe, and Natalie’s defense and gratitude all serve to confound me. The gift that Abby has given Tom and Ellie fills me with equal parts sorrow and love.

I keep going back to what Abby told me about protecting her daughter. She’s willingly making the ultimate sacrifice for her daughter to give her the life she deserves—to protect her. That’s an all-consuming and life-altering type of love. That’s the type of love only a mother can understand … or a father.

As the sun rises and the morning fog burns off, I know exactly where I need to be.

“Peace” by OAR

ALTHOUGH MY FIRST instinct is to forego the shower and drive directly to Adam’s house, I don’t think he’ll appreciate the two days’ worth of grime and stench I’m carrying around with me. I’ve been avoiding this conversation for months, but now that I’ve made up my mind, the words are like acid in my mouth. I need to spit them out; I need them to stop ruling my life and my decisions. I’ve absolved myself and now I need the same from Adam. He’s the only one whose opinion on the subject holds any weight with me.

I wait impatiently on his porch steps with a sack of baked goods and a coffee caddy at my side. I’m sure he’s dropping Lily and Gage at school right now. After months of sneaking around I know his daily schedule really well. I know all the right times to catch him childless, and that’s what I need for our talk this morning.

I’m seconds away from jumping up and pacing the porch to rein in my nervous energy when I hear a car turn onto the street. As Adam’s jeep turns into the driveway, I stand up, wipe my sweaty hands on my yoga pants, and wait patiently to greet him. After what feels like an eternity, his door swings open, and he steps out onto the driveway, but he doesn’t move forward. In fact, he doesn’t move at all.

“Hey, I brought over some breakfast and coffee,” I say nervously. “I was hoping we could talk.”

“You took off in quite a hurry the other night,” Adam states, ignoring my comment.

“Yeah, about that. I’m really sorry. An emergency came up—”

“I’m becoming real acquainted with your taillights as you drive away,” Adam interrupts. He has yet to walk toward me, and it’s unnerving. I need to feel him, touch him.

“I didn’t mean to run, Adam. Abby was in labor. I was afraid something was wrong, and she was frantic. I was out of the parking lot and at the hospital before I could even think about what I was doing.”

“How is she?” he asks, seeming to soften, if only slightly.

“Um, well, as good as can be expected. The baby is healthy, and Tom and Ellie are over the moon. It’s going to take Abby a while, but she’ll get there. She’s grieving, you know?”

“I’m sure she is. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through. When I made the decision to move up here, there was always a possibility that my parents would fight me and try to sue for custody. I didn’t think they would, but even the thought that I’d lose Lily and Gage … God, I would never recover from that,” Adam admits as he runs his hands over his face.

Finally, he makes his way to the porch and sits beside me on the steps. I hand him his coffee, and he gladly accepts, but waves off the muffins. The silence between us stretches, and for once it doesn’t feel very comfortable. He’s waiting for me to make the first move. I initiated this little meeting, after all. Before I can stop them, the words just start coming.

“Mason was my best friend all through college. Things gradually became more than friends, but they never should have. I loved him, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t the type of love he needed or deserved.” I look up at Adam, and his eyes gently urge me to continue. “I tried to end things so many times, but he wouldn’t let me go. There was always an excuse.
‘You’re overthinking things, Sara. You’re just feeling overwhelmed. You just need time to see what I see.’
I felt trapped. I loved him, and I didn’t want to hurt him, but I knew we weren’t meant to spend our lives together. So when he walked into an innocent situation and assumed the absolute worst … I let him. I let him believe that I slept with someone else so he would finally accept that our relationship was over. I didn’t plan it that way. It wasn’t some elaborate setup or anything. But when the opportunity presented itself, I took it. I lost my boyfriend and my best friend in one fell swoop, and I had no one to blame but myself. I may not have betrayed him like everyone thinks, but I deliberately hurt him. I should’ve ended the relationship long before then, but who wants to break their best friend’s heart?”

Adam reaches for my hand and lightly runs his fingers on the inside of my palm. “I think you’re being a little hard on yourself.”

I shrug my shoulders noncommittally. “Maybe, but my lie created quite the storm. Everyone believed that I betrayed Providence and Northern U’s golden boy, and they all had some pretty harsh words for me at first. I couldn’t defend myself because I needed them to believe the lie, and the whole thing put me in a tough position. After hearing all these terrible things about myself over and over again, I think I started to believe they were true. Mason marrying Natalie was kind of a turning point for me. All’s well that ends well, ya know? It woke me up and made me become an active participant in my life again. That’s when I met you.”

Adam’s silent for a few minutes while he continues to play with my hand. I study his face, looking for signs of disgust or disdain. When they never show, my chest loosens slightly at that realization.

Adam meets my eyes and turns his body so that I’m sitting in between his legs, our thighs touching. “Do you wanna know what I see?”

He gives me an expectant look, and I nod quickly as my eyes look to the porch step. His fingers touch my chin softly and raise my eyes back to his.

“I see a girl who loved her best friend enough to let him go. Someone with the courage to not settle for the familiar and comfortable, but to hope for that all-encompassing love.” Adam pauses and searches my eyes. For what, I don’t know. “The real question here is, do you love
me
enough?”

The vulnerability shining in Adam’s eyes undoes me, and a quiet sob escapes my lips. “Yes, Adam, I love you … so much. More than enough.”