Hope's Toy Chest (2 page)

He stood there stunned
as she fell back into a snow pile. At the last second, he shot an arm out, hoping to catch her, but he was an instant too late.

“I’m sorry
, I didn’t hear you.” He extended a hand, and she took it. He gently pulled her up.

“I called out to you, but I guess you were lost in thought.”
Her long blonde hair was pulled up in a high ponytail, the curls cascading down her back.

“Are you hurt?
I’m so sorry.” He cringed, embarrassment overcoming him, his heart pounding as he glanced up and down as if expecting to see blood.

“Nothing
’s injured but my ego.” Her lips curved up, and her green eyes sparkled before she parted her mouth slightly and her smile disappeared. “You’re…”

“I’m sorry.”
He inwardly scolded himself for apologizing three times in less than five minutes; it had to be a record. “I’m Elizabeth’s brother Kingsley. I hope she told you she wouldn’t be here tonight. They have an early start in the morning to get to her in-laws’ house.”

“No, you’re Doctor Mathews.”
Tears welled in her eyes, and he began to worry she’d lied about being hurt.

“Umm yes…yes I am.” He was suddenly unsure of himself, which was
rare. Never before had the mere sight of him sent a woman to tears, and he had no idea how to react, so he just stood there and fidgeted.

“Doctor Mathews.” She whispered, more to herself th
an to him.

“Maybe I should call Elizabeth and she can come over.” He s
tepped back hesitantly, fingering the cell phone in his pocket. Elizabeth was used to dealing with blubbering women; she was a grief counselor at the hospital. He often sent the parents of his patients to her when he could do nothing else for them. He was completely out of his element in a situation like this, especially when he’d done nothing to cause it. At least, he was pretty sure he’d done nothing.

“No, don’t bother her. I just need a moment.” She ungloved her hand and wiped her eyes.

“Okay, let’s get you inside at least. We can’t have tears freezing that beautiful face of yours.” As he had hoped, that brought a smile to her face. As he led her around the house to the front door, he cursed Elizabeth for leaving him alone. This woman wasn’t supposed to be crying, she was only here to separate the toys that cluttered his guest bedroom. Was the thought of all those sick children sending her over the edge?

He urged her to
the sofa before dashing into the kitchen for a cup of coffee to warm her up. “Here, drink this.” As the steam rose from the big mug, he hoped warmth would bring her out of shock, allowing her to explain what was wrong.

“I’m
sorry. I’m not normally like this.”

“It’s fine.” He took a seat on the suede recliner off to the side of the sofa
and interlinked his fingers, clutching them together nervously. “If you don’t mind me asking, what did I do?”

She squeezed her eyes shut to hold back the tears and
took a deep breath before looking up at him. “You treated my daughter. I doubt you remember her.” Her voice cracked as she dug through her handbag. “My little redheaded angel, Hope.” She handed him a picture.

It was as if a sledgehammer pounded into his chest when he saw the little girl’s face. Her death
had sent his Christmas spirit crumbling into nothing. Hope Marie Waters. The little girl he lost on Christmas morning two years ago. Everything had been going perfectly with her treatments, and they seemed to be winning the fight against the rare cancer she was battling.

That
Christmas morning seemed like any other. It was snowing, which had his spirits high as he made his way across town to Elizabeth and Jason’s home, where they always celebrated holiday dinners with their parents, along with Jason’s parents and his brother. Three doctors and a grief counselor—it was rare having them all gather together for a meal. It made the holiday even more wonderful, especially to the parents.

The
food was spread out across the table and they had just sat down for their early dinner when his cell phone rang. In college he’d been warned he’d always be on call; as a doctor, his time was not his own. That Christmas came the call every doctor dreads. One of his patients needed him. Leaving the meal, he rushed back to the hospital. It was too late.

Looking up from
the picture to Chelsea, he instantly recognized her. She was thinner now, but she had the same shimmering green eyes he’d looked into almost every day for nearly two years while Hope fought for her life.

Elizabeth
had mentioned Chelsea lost a child to cancer, which was what inspired Hope’s Toy Chest, but he’d never put the two together, even considering the timing matched almost perfectly. Hope’s Toy Chest had been delivering presents to the Cedar Grove Children’s Hospital for the last two years on Christmas. This year it also delivered to some of the sickest children on their birthdays, or whenever they needed something special. All managed by one woman—Chelsea.

“I remember
.”

“Elizabeth mentioned her brother was a doctor at the hospital
, but I never asked anything more. The last names being different I didn’t think anything of it. She’s married to Doctor Jason West. It’s stupid, but I just assumed she was talking about Doctor Brian West.”

“
A natural assumption. Jason and Brian are both doctors at the hospital, and Jason is a pediatric surgeon while Brian is pediatric cardiologist.”

“Then there’s Elizabeth dealing with the grieving parents.” She shook her head
as a strand of hair loosened from her ponytail. “A family surrounded by so much suffering. How do you do it? Or a better question is
why
?”

“We do it for children like Hope
. They deserve someone fighting for them.”

“There has to be something that led you to your specialty.”

“It’s a long story.” He leaned back in his chair, more content to leave the past where it belonged.

She s
et the mug aside. “Seems like we have time. According to Elizabeth, I have a room full of toys to go through. If you don’t have anything else to do, maybe you’d like to keep me company and tell me about it.”

“It’s not just my story to tell.”
That was just an excuse, and he knew it.

“It was a thought.
I’m sorry I asked.” She stood up, rubbing her hands together as if unsure what to do with herself.

“No, it’s okay. I’d just rather not talk about it
. I’m not sure Elizabeth would be okay with that.” More excuses.

She nodded.
“Well, I’d better get busy.”

“Your room full of toys is
overflowing. I don’t think there are enough children in the whole hospital for all that.” He took a sip of his coffee.

“There are some children outside the hospital
we’re delivering to this year as well. If what you say is true, there are going to be some very happy children.” She grinned, moving around the sofa. “So where’s the stuff?”

“First bedroom on the right. The door’s open
. Trust me, you can’t miss it. You might want to bring them out here to sort and wrap, because you’re not going to have room to do it in there.” He placed his cup on the table, deciding the files could wait an hour or two. “Would you like some help?”

She smirked. “Sure. Extra hands are good
. I never turn them away.” Without waiting for him, she strolled down the hall.

H
e cursed himself for offering to help. There was a little girl depending on him to find a miracle, and he couldn’t do that if he was busy wrapping gifts.

She came out with her arms loaded. “You weren’t kidding.” She
placed the toys on the coffee table. “There’s so much in there every kid on the list should get what they want. It’s going to be a very good Christmas for some deserving children.”

“That’s wonderful. It makes the unexpected visitors, calls, and packages left on my doorstep worth it.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to have such an impact on your life. I just don’t have room to store it in my small apartment. Elizabeth said you wouldn’t mind. How did she
wrap
you into helping anyway? No pun intended.”

When she winked, he laughed.
“Elizabeth is very good at guilt. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy helping when it comes to wrapping the gifts. I just wasn’t completely on board with this taking over my house. I’m rarely home except to sleep, so it just seemed like an additional worry I didn’t have time for.”

“I’m sorry.” She slid a red notebook from her purse
, frowning. “I never meant for this to be an inconvenience for you. I had hoped to have a new warehouse by now, but the only place I can find that has the space I need isn’t available until after the first of the year.”

“It’s fine, honestly. There’s no reason to move all those toys now.”

“Are you sure?” She opened the notebook and set it on the table. “I know it can be a bit much, and you have things that are more important.”

“No.” He put up a hand to stop her before she could continue. “I believe in what you’re doing here.
What I said came out wrong.” He sat down on the sofa next to where she crouched on the floor and silently berated himself. Chelsea put him on edge for some reason, and he couldn’t figure out why. Blaming it on her earlier tears, he pushed forward. “I know what the parents and siblings go through when there’s a sick child. This might seem like just presents to some, but it’s so much more for those families.”

She nodded. “You understand because you work with them each day.”

He watched her for a moment before he shook his head.

She twirled her pen in her hand, cocking her head. “Then why? I mean,” she shook her head, as if disappointed she couldn’t find the right words, and added, “it just seems as if there’s more to it than that.”

He nodded slowly. “Every time I have to deliver bad news, I…I remember when that same news was handed to my family. So, yes…I understand. Because I know what it’s like.”

For the first time in
Kingsley’s life he wanted to tell someone the whole story. The reason he chose the field he did even with all the pressure, stress, and sadness that it brought him. It was a story he never told anyone. Not even his best friend and colleague Doctor Chaz Romo knew the full story, and they had known each other since medical school.

He patted the seat next to him on the sofa. “Come up here.” Pausing while she did
so, he tried to put his words together. His thoughts were scattered, setting his nerves off before he even began. What happened to the calm, collected doctor he’d turned himself into over the years?

With more apprehension than he’d ever felt before, he began.
“Even with five years separating Elizabeth and I, we’re closer than a lot of siblings. We’ve always been like that.” He took her hand into his. It was something he did with families when he was delivering bad news, but this time it was he that sought the comfort of another’s touch. Just thinking about the past brought a fresh wave of pain and fear.

“We nearly lost her when she was barely five years old.
Cancer
.” That word tasted rancid on his tongue. “It was sudden and the fight was hard. Many times the doctor told us to prepare for the worse. It was hard on all of us, but I remember sitting by her bed day in and day out, trying to prepare myself for losing her. How does anyone do that?”

She squeezed his hand. “You can’t prepare for it. Even tho
ugh you know the loss is imminent, it just prolongs the grief. You start to grieve for your loved one before you even lose them.”

“
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I remember late at night when I couldn’t sleep, I’d sit in Elizabeth’s room. Just sitting there surrounded by everything she loved, those horrible pink walls and princess bedspread. Still it brought me comfort.” He closed his eyes, and instantly he was ten years old again and back in his sister’s room, the grief raw in his chest. “One night Dad found me sitting there, this stupid stuffed penguin in my hands. Elizabeth made a turn for the worst and we rushed back to the hospital. That night was when I decided I’d spend my life searching for a cure. If I could save just one, it would be worth everything.”

She squeezed his hand until he looked at her.
“A cure always comes with a cost, but look at what progress the medical world has accomplished in the last several years. I believe one day there will be a cure, but something else will replace the disease.”

“That’s not the world I want to live i
n. Children shouldn’t have to suffer, and they shouldn’t be cut down before they have a chance to live.” He closed his eyes, letting his anger boil within him. “Aren’t you angry Hope couldn’t be saved? That I couldn’t save her?” That’s what it all boiled down to for him. Hope was his responsibility. He’d failed.

“
Anger? Yes, I had that, lots of it. In the end I realized nothing could have been done. When someone’s time on Earth is over, there’s nothing that can be done to stop it. You can’t blame yourself, you did everything you could for Hope. If anything, you went above and beyond what was expected of you.”

“She was so young
.”

“Young, but very sick.
You did everything you could for her. Don’t ever doubt that.” She squeezed his hand, giving him reassurance, as he often did with his patients’ parents.

“To lose
a child is heartbreaking. It makes me reconsider the field I chose.” Every time he failed, it ate at him. While he used it to improve, to be ready for it next time, it still caused him to question his career decision.

“Doctor Mathews…”

He stopped her before she could continue. “Kingsley, or Le, please.”

“Le, you’re an amazing doctor. You care for your patients. I realize that’s the downfall as well
and could eventually cause you to burn out. You chose pediatric oncology for a reason, and because of that you’ve saved countless lives. This doubt doesn’t stem from not being able to save Hope, does it? I never meant for that.”

“No.” He pushed off the
sofa, needing to do something before he ran his hands through Chelsea’s hair. His fingers itched to push the strands away from her face. Confiding in Chelsea had opened him to see her as more than as a former patient’s parent. He was seeing her as a woman he wanted to get to know better.

Women were not on the agenda for him. After the hospital
, there was nothing left for him to give. There were no hours to devote to a relationship. There was nothing within him when he walked through those doors at the end of the day. A woman, especially Chelsea, deserved better than that. She didn’t need someone who would be a daily reminder of Hope and childhood illnesses. Someday she’d put all of this behind her, maybe she’d even distance herself from the organization and allow others to handle it so she could have a life beyond cancer.

“Then what brought this up?”

He dragged his hand over his face. “I have a little girl under my care, and it’s unlikely she’ll see Christmas, okay? I’m furious, damn it!” He wanted to slam his fist through a wall. Instead he clenched his fingers together and stared down at the floor.

She stood,
tentatively came to him, and placed her hand on his arm. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. You’re here to go through the toys, not listen to my problems.” He forced a smile. “Come on, let’s see what we’ve got for the children.”

“I understand if you need to work. I can do this.”

“Work?” He tried to laugh, but even to his own ears it was halfhearted. “
You mean the file I bought home that I was going to read for the hundredth time? There’s nothing new added to it. If you weren’t here, I’d spend the night going over each report until my eyes bled and still have no miracle for her.” When she raised an eyebrow at him, he took her hand in his. “This is a much better way to spend the evening. So tell me what I can do to help.”

Nodding
, she turned around and grabbed the notebook. “We have more toys than I expected, and it’s going to take me some time to go through all of them. This is the worst part of not having a warehouse. I have no space to divide them up.”

“Use whatever space you need
, just leave me a path to my bed and you can spread things out everywhere else.”

“Oh no, I couldn’t do that.”

“Why not? I don’t use the house for anything but a few hours of sleep.” He stepped around her, moving back over to the kitchen bar to where the key hook was mounted. He snatched a key off the peg. “Here.”

“What’s this for?”

“It’s a key, you’re welcome here anytime. Just lock up when you leave.” For a moment he wondered if he was doing the right thing, giving his house key to a woman he barely knew.

“This isn’t necessary.”
She reasoned as he pressed the key into her palm.

“Actually it is.
” He held her hand longer than necessary, enjoying the feeling of her warmth. “With my hours at the hospital, and emergencies, I can never be sure when I’m home. You need access to the toys in order to divide them and get them ready for delivery. I’ll help with whatever I can, but you still need to be able to get through all of them and that’s going to take time. More time than you have tonight.”

“Thank you.
I’ll do my best so that it doesn’t interfere with your life.”

He wanted to laugh at the comment. He didn’t have a life outside of his duties
, there was only work.

“
How many children are on your list?” he asked.

“
Eighty-four. This year we extended beyond the children with grave prognoses.” She flipped open the notebook.

“That’s it?” His eyes widened at the thought
of how many toys cluttered his spare bedroom. There was more than what was needed for eighty-four children, so what would she do with the rest?

“Yeah. We were open to
a hundred children this year and we were close, but some of them transferred to other hospitals, went into remission, or… You know.” She didn’t have to say some of them didn’t make it, because he already knew. It was the cost of their work, they had to face the sadness of death often.

“
Aren’t there too many toys then?”

“Our biggest drive is right before Christmas
, so whatever’s left over we use for gifts throughout the year for children’s birthdays, pick me ups, and so on. But don’t worry, I’ll get them out of your house after the holidays.” She sat back down on the sofa. “I have the wish list for each of the children in my notebook. I’ll do my best to match the toys in your bedroom to the children. Whatever I don’t have I can use the monetary donations to purchase.”

“Well
, what can I do to help?”

“I grabbed these because I know they ar
e on the list. Can you bring another armload out? I’ll start going through them. I’ll need to make piles for each of the children. Are you sure you don’t mine me taking over your house? I’ll try to limit it to the bedroom and here.”

He shook his head. “It’s fine
. The only place that’s off limits is my office so I can get some work done when I’m here if I need to.”

“I’ll stay out of those rooms.” She turned to the first child on the list. “You don’t have a tree up yet, should I leave you space for it?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Everyone needs a tree…”

“I’m never here, and on Christmas I’ll be at Elizabeth’s anyway.”

She shrugged and turned to her list.
He looked around his living room and hated how dull it seemed. There was nothing that said Christmas, and it was only a few weeks away. He couldn’t muster up the energy to decorate. After all, he was broken inside. Christmas decorations couldn’t fix that.