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W
hat time do you have practice today?” Noah asks as the bell signals the end of lunch.

“Not until four. There’s something going on in the church gym at our normal time. I have dead time between school and practice. I guess I’ll plow through some homework right after school so I’m not up all night studying.”

Noah gazes into my eyes with a dreamy look.

“What’s going on in there?” I ask.

“I
thought
you said something about later practice when we were on the phone last night. My practice was this morning, so I’m free and clear.” He nods and leans close. “I’ve just been trying to figure out how to get you alone again.”

I know my face is as crimson as my Roses are red nail polish. Crowds of students shuffle on their way to class.

“Can I drive you home after school?”

“Sure.” I smile, not daring to look at him. I’m not supposed to ride in a car with boys, but Mom will be at work, and that’s the least of my worries! I’ve thought a lot about if we’ll do it again. I mean, I guess once you’ve slept together, you continue to sleep together. And it’s made Noah and me so close. We have this amazing secret that no one knows about.
Well, okay, God, You know about it, but You’re not who I want to talk to about all of this. Sorry,
I just don’t think You understand what it’s like. And, I do love him
. I feel wiggly all over.

“Do you think anyone will be home?” Noah asks.

I’m walking toward my locker, and he’s following. “Don’t know.” I shrug, still too embarrassed to look at him.

“I’ll meet you here, okay?” Noah grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. He’s giving me room to get out of this if I want.

“Okay.” I squeeze back. “See ya.”

My last three classes are awful. I can’t concentrate at all. In my head, I play back Noah and I having sex. Meanwhile the youth group lesson about getting burned plays like an overtrack in my mind. Even a picture of Adam and Eve flashes through my brain! I picture Emma’s pregnancy test. I think of that chastity rally. But, I always come back to how soft Noah’s lips are and how gentle his hands feel on my back. He makes me feel beautiful.

When the last bell rings, I don’t know if I’m relieved or terrified.

“Hockey season’s winding down for the year, and then we can be together every weekend, Linds.” The windshield wipers creak, brushing fat raindrops off his windshield.

“Yay!” I smile. “I missed you last weekend. It’s weird when you’re gone.”

“Just two more weeks. Then I’m yours.” Noah stops at a traffic light, leans over and kisses me, right in the middle of town. I close my eyes and inhale his breath and savor his lips on mine. I want to marry this boy!

I unlock the front door.

“Mom!” I call out. “Kristine?”

Silence. The lights are out in the hallway and kitchen. Noah
looks around and tiptoes behind me. I’m not supposed to have boys over when my parents aren’t home, and I suppose this is why.

“I know Dad’s on another trip and won’t be home until late tomorrow. Looks like we have the house to ourselves.”

The air is heavy with my words. Noah and I have barely shared a quick kiss since our romantic interlude a week ago.

“So,” I say to fill the pause.

“So,” Noah whispers, turning me to him. He leans over, and he’s kissing me and he wraps his arms around my back, and I feel warm all over, and I can barely breathe. I forget where I am and what I’m wearing and that we’re breaking all the rules. Noah’s hands slide under my shirt, and they’re tugging at my bra, and I don’t push him away. He unbuttons my jeans, then his. He walks and guides me, kissing me the whole time, to the family room, where he lowers me onto the couch. He pushes our pants around our ankles and his mouth is on mine and his hands are touching every part of me. I’m hot and dizzy.

“Lindsey.” Mom’s voice breaks through my dream state, like glass shattering, from somewhere upstairs.

I push Noah away while rehooking my bra. “Yeah, Mom, I just got home.” I exhale to steady myself and inhale to try to catch more air. “Noah drove me home.” I tug up my jeans. Did my voice crack?

Noah pulls up his jeans, ruffles his hair, and pushes up the sleeves on his barn jacket, which he’s still wearing. His cheeks look like I’ve rubbed them with blush.

Mom treads down the stairs, and again I wonder if she knows. Does she know what she’s interrupted? Does she know Noah and I were having sex? Again?

“I thought you had practice. Hi, Noah.” She looks around the house. “It’s dark down here.”

Noah shoves his hands in his pockets. “Hi, Mrs. Kraus.”

“Yeah,” I defend myself. “We don’t practice until four, and it was raining, so Noah gave me a ride. We just got here, and I called for you, you must not have heard me, and we didn’t even get a chance to turn the lights on. It is dark in here when it’s cloudy.” All of this is true, I tell myself.

“My last appointment canceled today, so I decided to come home early and tackle my closet. I can’t hear anything with my head buried in there.” She looks us up and down as if she’s on to us.

Mom takes the lead toward the kitchen. “You two need a snack?” She flicks on the fluorescent lights.

“Sure, Mom.” I say. My voice sounds metallic bouncing off the empty wall.

“Sounds great, Mrs. Kraus.” Noah’s voice sounds strange too.

“Help yourselves. I just came down to get a marker to label some of those crates in my closet.” Mom rummages through her desk drawer and disappears back down the hall with a Sharpie. She turns.

“When’s practice?” she asks.

“Four.” I answer.

“I can take you, if you want. Just let me know when you’re ready.” Her voice fades as she climbs the stairs.

Noah’s eyes are glued on me with the look of a ravenous tiger. “I want you,” he mouths silently.

I shake my head.

Mom’s footsteps echo up the stairs and toward her room.

He leans forward and kisses me again. His lips are hot, and although I ache to be near him, this is going nowhere with Mom just a flight of stairs away. I use all of my inner strength to step back.

I shake my head. “No fair,” I whisper.

“Definitely not fair,” he whispers back. His fingers weave through his dark locks. “Saturday,” he says.

“Saturday?” I ask.

“Saturday.” He nods. “I have a Friday night game and a day game Saturday, but that leaves Saturday night. Randy and Raven are having a luau. We’ll leave early. If my parents go out, we could stop by my house.” He sounds out of breath. “I need to be with you.”

Noah is usually so cool and in control. I’m agitated seeing him desperate like this. But I also feel more in love with him. He wants me that much!

I kiss him quickly on the mouth. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He wraps his arms around me. I close my eyes and bury my face in him.

“See ya tomorrow.”

I nod.

“Bye, Linds.” He bites his lower lip and opens the door.

“Bye.” I watch him walk down my driveway and exhale. My head and heart are too full. I should sit and sort through all of these emotions. I should pray about it or something, but I can’t. It’s too much. It’s too over the top. I flip open my phone and punch in Raven.

PLAN 4 WKEND?

I text.

S
aturday afternoon Raven and I went to the home hockey game. We wore Randy’s and Noah’s away jerseys. As Melissa said, “There’s only so much hockey you can
stick
us with, Lindsey.”

After the game I scurry to get ready for the luau at the Macks’. I put on a truly obnoxious floral tank top with a pair of my favorite jeans and flip-flops. I slide a grass skirt over my jeans. I find a plastic flower from Mom’s craft cupboard and tuck it behind my right ear. My sunglasses complete the look. “Crazy,” I mumble to myself as I look in the bathroom mirror.

“What’s the occasion?” Kristine’s mellow voice rolls into the bathroom. “Trick or treat early this year?”

She looks horrible. Her eyes are pink and squinty. She hasn’t washed her hair in days.

“Raven’s having a luau.” I slide my sunglasses down my nose and wink. “Want to come?”

“Not.” Kristine disappears into the cave of her bedroom.

I twirl in front of the mirror and watch the strands of plasticine grass swoosh out around me.

“Did Kristine come this way?” Mom sounds exhausted.

“In her room.” I motion.

“Thanks.” Mom continues down the hall. She doesn’t even notice I’m dressed like a hula dancer or wearing flip-flops.

“Hey there, Delilah, what’s it like in New York City?” my phone sings.

“Yeah?” I answer.

“We’re pulling into your driveway.” Emma’s laughing.

I click my phone shut and slick on more lip gloss.

“Bye, Mom!” I shout as I race down the steps.

“Where are you going?” Her head peaks around the railing.

“Raven’s. Remember, she’s having a luau? Gracie’s driving?” I told Mom all of this earlier in the week.
She
took me to the dollar store to get the grass skirt yesterday. Is she
that
tuned-out to me?

“Oh, right. Sorry, sweetie.” Mom sounds genuinely sorry. “Have fun. Be home by midnight, okay?”

“Okay, bye.” I slam the front door behind me. What would she do if I said no or if I just didn’t bother coming home? Kristine does it all the time. It’s a relief to be free of the ever-present pressure filling the walls of our house. I breathe deeply, then dash to Gracie’s car.

“Cool do, Mel!” I squeal. Melissa’s hair is in dozens of skinny braids. She’s wearing a jean skirt and a big Hawaiian shirt. Emma has on a neon lime green miniskirt with a tight white tank and a floral shirt unbuttoned like a jacket over it. Gracie wears red capris and a navy-and-white-striped nautical top with red espadrilles.

When we get to the Macks’, Raven drapes colorful silk leis around our necks. Randy has a reggae mix jamming. Mr. Mack stands outside wearing a hat and mittens and grilling kabobs. Randy, Noah, and some other hockey players loiter around the grill.

“Who all wants a piña colada?” Mrs. Mack drawls as we make our way into the kitchen. We stare at her and the pitcher of white creamy drink she’s holding. I wonder if my friends are thinking what I’m thinking.

“They’re virgin.” Raven laughs. “No alcohol, y’all!”

Virgin.
The word slaps me in the face.

Everyone takes a frothy cup. Mine chills the inside of my sweaty hand.

“To best friends!” Gracie says, raising her glass. We all clink cups and sip sweet fruitiness.

“To Mrs. Mack!” Emma yells. “These things are awesome!”

I look out the window again. Did Noah even notice I’m here?

Ding-dong.

Raven skitters to the door with another lei.

It’s Peter. I recognize his voice. So does Emma. I see her glance toward the entryway.

“Where’s Drew tonight?” I ask Gracie, trying to draw Emma’s attention away from the door.

“He had some family thing.” She fake pouts.

Peter walks right past us to the porch without a glance at Emma.

“Why don’t we go outside and see what the boys are doing?” Emma asks.

“How about, instead, we make fun of the boys by watching them through the window?” Raven saves Emma, and maybe me, too, from looking like lovesick puppies. She positions herself in a chair by the window, opens the blinds, grabs the candlestick sitting on the table, and using it as a microphone, announces, “Funnier than a sitcom, cuter than the guys on
Grey’s Anatomy
, all here on my very own porch, I’m pleased to unveil our season premiere of
The Hockey Hunks
.”

We all sit and take turns narrating.

“Gee, guys, aren’t we big and strong?” Gracie says in a deep voice, passing the candle to Emma.

“Do you think anyone exists in the world except for us?” Emma bellows.

“Probably not.” Melissa sighs, twirling a piece of pineapple on a toothpick. “I mean, the world is the ice rink, right?”

After a while the boys carry in trays of teriyaki chicken and skewered veggies.

“Hey, gorgeous.” Noah leans in and tucks my hair behind my ear. “Extremely exotic.” He taps my plastic flower. “How do you expect us natives to behave ourselves?”

I can’t believe I worried if he noticed me. After everything we’ve done, I’m still so insecure. It’s stupid.

I eat until I feel like I’m going to bust. Mr. and Mrs. Mack hold a limbo stick. We take turns going under until it’s so low I have to practically do a backbend. I tumble to the floor. Randy and Raven keep at it until everyone else is out.

“You two must have been practicing all week!” Tyler, a skinny guy with thick glasses, accuses.

Noah grabs me by the arm and whisks me outside while Randy and Raven take bows.

“At last, alone,” he whispers. He’s kissing me soft and slow. His back is to the window, so I’m kind of hidden behind his height. I tingle all over and feel dizzy, like I’ll stop breathing if I stop kissing him.

“How are we going to get alone?” he whispers between kisses.

I keep kissing him. I can’t think about being alone with him. Things will definitely get out of hand — again. But, I can’t
not
think about it either. My body pulls toward him like a magnet to metal. I want him to touch me.

“Your house?” I gasp.

“Dad has a sore throat. They canceled their plans.” Noah shakes his head and traces his fingers down my spine.

The hollow echo of fist on glass makes me jump. Randy is at the window pounding and making kissy faces. Like the knock
shattered the silence, Randy’s expression dissolves our steamy reverie. I laugh so hard, it almost quiets the voices tugging at my heart and body. Looks like sex will wait, which is oddly freeing. I never knew sex would be such an ominous cloud, lurking in the sky like a storm ready to strike. The anticipation is unbearable.

We eat gooey mango tarts for dessert, and Mrs. Mack teaches us how to hula. Before I know it, it’s 11:40.

“Hey, Gracie, I’m supposed to be home at midnight.” I shrug toward the clock.

“Me, too!” Melissa screams, then puts her hand over her mouth. “Oh my gosh, I can’t be late. My folks will kill me. I know they’ll be waiting up for me.” She grabs her coat and thanks Mr. and Mrs. Mack for the party.

“Alright, girls. Let’s not turn into pumpkins.” Gracie pulls her car keys out of her purse.

I kiss Noah lightly on the lips. “Good night.”

“Not quite the night I envisioned,” he whispers for only me to hear.

I lean back and shrug.

We all thank the Macks and hug Raven and gather our things — everyone but Emma, who’s lounging in a beanbag.

“You coming?” I ask.

“Curfew, schmurfew.” She laughs. “I think I’ll hang out for a bit.”

“How are you getting home?” Melissa asks innocently.

Emma rolls her eyes and tilts her head toward Peter, who I haven’t even seen her talk to all night.

I usher Melissa out the front door before she lets her next words escape.

“She’s not — ” She starts on the front step.

I cup my hand over her mouth. “Looks like it,” I whisper.

“What do you guys think about that?” Gracie, asks unlocking the car.

“I don’t know what to think,” Melissa confesses. “It’s way over my head.”

“I know she’s getting hurt, but it’s almost like she wants to,” I add. “I just wish Peter was nicer to her.”

“I just wish she had more respect for herself,” Gracie says calmly, not accusingly. “Emma’s so great. She doesn’t have to act like this.”

No one said the word
sex
. But we all thought it.