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I
see his silhouette before I hear his footsteps. Even though he’s just a shadow, my mind fills in all the details from the rough edges on his fingernails to the way his left eyebrow is slightly higher than his right.

“I was beginning to worry about you.” Noah’s voice breaks the silence of suburban twilight.

“Sorry. I forgot I was completely disgusting and had to rinse off.”

“You didn’t have to primp for me.” We’re close enough now that he reaches out and grabs my hand. Under the streetlight he pulls me close and kisses me, like in the movies. I memorize the moment, knowing it might be our last embrace. I taste his mintyness and measure the pressure of his hands squeezing mine.

“Hi,” he whispers.

“Hi.” I bite my lower lip.

We start walking in the direction of his house, our hands still interlocked.

“So, what’s up?” Noah asks.

“A lot, actually.” I suck my lips in, smear my lip gloss evenly, and stop. “Remember that day in the cafeteria when I started babbling about chastity rings and all that?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I was so blown away, so completely overwhelmed when you told me you wanted to marry me. I mean, I love you so much, Noah, and I never knew I could feel this way about anybody, but I got so carried away that I never finished.”

His deep green eyes search my face for a clue to where this is going. “I love you too. That’s the whole point, Linds.”

“Right, well, that’s part of the point.” The words tumble from my mouth. I have to keep going so I don’t lose my train of thought like last time. “The other part is, well, I love God, too, and He doesn’t want us to be sleeping together . . . not yet. Not until we’re married.”

Noah smiles. “We talked about this, Linds. I’m going to marry you. It’s not like I’m with you for the sex. I’m with you because I love you.”

I smile and look down, because if what he says is true, then everything is going to be okay.
Dear God, I want this all to be true, but I know it’s in Your hands now.

So keep going.

A car drives past. I can’t breathe. I fear the driver can hear our conversation, can know what I’ve done. Its headlights illuminate Noah’s face like the flash of a camera. He is so gorgeous, but I can’t get swept away again. So, I take God’s advice. I keep going.

I sigh. “See, if it’s truly not about the sex, then we don’t need it, right? God doesn’t want us to be that intense yet. I think it’s like when I was little and my parents wouldn’t let me watch PG movies until I was eleven, and I couldn’t understand because I felt like all my friends and everyone else in the world was watching them.” I cock my head. I don’t know if any of this is making sense to Noah, but it’s all becoming so clear to me. With each word it becomes clearer and clearer.

“But then, when I saw that movie
Narnia,
I bawled when
all those evil creatures tied up Aslan, you know, the lion, and killed him. I had nightmares about those witches and ogres for weeks. Then, I got it. I could barely handle that PG movie at eleven, let alone when I was younger. I think sex is like that.” I nod at my own explanation. “I know that it seems like everyone else is doing it. And I couldn’t understand why it’s not okay for us, since I know we have so much more, but it’s just not. Not now.” I shuffle my shoe on the ground. “What is it the Bible says in First Corinthians 13? ‘Now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face’?
⁴
We’re not mature enough yet.” I shift feet.

Noah coughs.

Aaaargh!
What is
he
thinking? He hasn’t said anything. I don’t want Noah to think I’m saying he’s immature. “I mean you’re amazingly mature and smart and sensitive, but even though our bodies might be ready for sex — it felt great and everything — I don’t think God made our emotions ready for sex until we’re married.” I take a deep gulp of air and look into Noah’s beautiful eyes, finally certain of where I stand — even if I don’t have a clue where Noah and I stand. “At least I know
my
emotions aren’t ready.”

“I love you, Lindsey.” It’s dark, and I can’t read the expression on his face. He pulls me to his strong form and holds me.

“I love you too, but I love God even more.” There, I’ve said it. I’ve said it all.

I don’t know what will happen next. I want Noah to still be my boyfriend but in a sexually pure kind of way. He might not be able to have that kind of relationship. Or, he might not want one. Or, he might just be done, be saying good-bye. But, no matter what the outcome, I feel better than I have in weeks — better than when Noah told me he loved me on Valentine’s, better than when
he said he wanted to marry me. All that time I was still carrying around the guilt and uncertainty about what we had done. Now, my heart is clean again. At least it’s pure. And I trust with all my soul that
God
will be here to hold me tomorrow, even if Noah can’t.

__________________________

^4.
Verse 12,
NKJV
.

I
believe in God. I believe in true love. I believe in fairies. I believe if I bang hard enough on the back of my wardrobe I’ll get to Narnia someday. I believe eating chocolate is good for you. I believe part of my soul lives in France, part at the beach, and the other part here in Oxford, Ohio, because when I go to those places I feel at home, as if I’ve always belonged. I believe heaven will feel much the same. I believe God created me to be the wife of my husband, the mother of my four children, and to write the stories He wanted to tell. Visit Laura L. Smith’s website at www .lauralsmith.net.