Hot Pink (21 page)

Not even for a
second
had the man believed the painter, though. He knew better than that.

He squeezed the painter tighter.

“I'm glad you're not angry,” the painter whispered.

“Life is so good,” the man whispered back.

Vet Prospective Jennys

To play
The Guy
, first you need a Jenny.

Get a girl. Not a child. A mid-to-late-adolescent girl you can loom over. Make sure she looks slutty and abused, too. Bangs, spray-cast to the sky with something shiny. Bangles and bracelets, enough to make noise when she scratches herself. Lots of eye shadow, some glitter in it. A low threshold for startling, paired with a strong tendency to wince when startled. Slam the car door and see. Lip gloss with a powerful fruit scent. If lipstick, then the kind that comes off in flakes. A T-shirt with a violent graphic, tied in a knot at the bottom, its crew collar scissored to create flaps of mock V-neck so that, when she bends forward, the flaps open and you can see the tops of her breasts. Kind of fat is okay, even preferable, but avoid morbid obesity like you would the AIDS. It draws too much attention. The buffalo hump is a no-go. So is a stomach that smiles in more than three places when she sits.

Which brings us to midriff. If she's sporting midriff, make sure the midriff is either too flabby or too sucked-in-looking. If her midriff is good, have her keep it covered. Unless she has an ugly face.

Shorts are actually better than a miniskirt. She should look like the kind of slutty-looking girl who says that girls in miniskirts look slutty. Before teaching her the activities she will synthesize (see subseq.), stand her before a full-length mirror for an hour and have her repeat the following while she looks deep into her own eyes: “Remember that girl in the miniskirt? What a slut.” And if she's kind of fat, have her also repeat: “That one girl was such a fat-ass it sickened me. It sickened me.” The repetition of these words will eventually move her.

If she's wearing jeans: black or stonewashed. Never blue. She should be a girl who uses her jeans to assert her individuality, a girl who refers to herself as “pretty unique.” I think how tight goes without saying, but just in case: tight. If not jeans, then spandex. Never sweatpants. Sweatpants send the wrong message.

This girl you've gotten: the more she looks like she might be your sister, the better. But do not worry this point too hard. You would be surprised to discover how many girls can pass for your sister.

What She Needs to Learn and How to Teach Her

Teach the girl how to hold a strip of her hair to her lips as if to kiss it or fake a mustache and to periodically chew and suck on the ends of the strip. Teach her how to tilt her head forward so that whatever's in front of her gets looked at from the tops of her eyes. Teach her also how to bob her head from side to side in a slow, even manner that bespeaks an inner state of intense deliberation.

For a girl whose startle-threshold is especially low, mastery of the side-to-side head-bob can, at times, be difficult. Be patient. She is starting from a place of neurological disadvantage. Jerkiness of the neck is to be expected. Offer her encouragement in whispers. Stand behind her, your hands on her shoulders, lightly massaging them. Tell her she is the best you've ever seen. Tell her she can do it. Encourage the use of a metronome. Speak figuratively to her. Talk of challenge. Of rising up. Talk of rising up to meet challenge. When necessary, use metaphors with bird and cage components. If frustrated with her for taking too long, get a grip on yourself. Mix your metaphors for sagacity. Know the truth. The truth is that, unlike the side-to-side head-bob, which, like the waltz or the cha-cha, can be learned by anyone, a low startle-threshold is like a pretty face: a girl either has one or she doesn't. Count yourself lucky that your girl does, that her childhood was the kind that gets etched all over the twitch-muscles. Applaud yourself for the choice you've made. Other girls may be faster head-bob studies, but you can bet they don't wince like yours.

After she has mastered each of the activities separately, it's time for her to put them together, to learn to kiss-chew the hair-strip tips while bobbing her forwardly inclined head from side to side in a slow, even manner. How will you know when she has mastered the activity-synthesis? You will ask yourself: Is she communicating cautious determination? If the answer is no, then she must continue to practice. If the answer is yes, then it is time to walk her.

Walk toward each other. Have her look at you while you walk toward each other. Begin at a distance of no fewer than thirty paces. With each gap-closing step, your sense that she is cautiously determined about something having to do with you should increase.

After ten successful, consecutive walking trials, she is Jenny. You will call her Jenny and she will respond to Jenny. You will maintain your given name until your Steveness/Rickness is determined by Jenny at the moment of truth.

The Right Friend

Now you must choose the right friend. Who the right friend is depends exclusively on what you look like. Ask yourself: Do I have the face of a kind stranger? Do I have the look of the jackal? The eye of the tiger? Am I a funny-looking person or a serious-looking person? Am I wide or narrow? Am I a handsome devil? A sort of pretty boy? Am I blond? Does my posture suggest a threat? Does my facial hair? Am I plagued by the horse-face? The wall-eye? The lonely eyebrow? The liver-lips? The no-lips? Do I wear boots in the winter or shoes? Am I bespectacled? Is my musculature chiseled-looking? Do I have ass? The right friend will be the one who has the least in common with you physically. The only caveat here is height. Like you, the right friend must be taller than Jenny.

Find Out Who You Are

Once you have chosen the right friend, introduce him to Jenny. Bring him to her house. Spend time doing something nonsexual with one another, but in relative proximity. Be kind to one another. Form social bonds. Help generate a sheltering ambience. Enjoy yourselves.

When Jenny tells you how the world has randomly brutalized her person, hesitate: do not immediately express your righteous indignation. Early expressions of righteous indignation will stifle Jenny, will end her stories early. Silence was forced on her person, and you must remain silent until she's finished telling you about it.

If you are someone who has trouble keeping quiet, then, prior to your introduction of the friend to Jenny, you should stand before a mirror for an hour and repeat the following while looking deep into your eyes: “Experiential symmetry is a minor form of justice.” The repetition of these words will eventually silence you.

Once Jenny has finished telling her stories, the temptation for you to compete with the friend in a contest of righteous indignation will be powerful. Do not be ashamed. Compete. However, keep in mind that less is more. The low-decibel utterance of a single, well-chosen word—especially one preceded by a clicking sound from the mouth—will beat a fist-to-chest yelling routine nine times out of ten.

After you are done enjoying yourselves, make plans for another get-together at Jenny's the following evening, then take the friend back to his house.

The following evening, at the designated time, pick the friend up from his house and bring him to Jenny's again. When you get to her front step, make sure that you and the friend are standing next to each other and that you are equidistant from her door. Ring her doorbell. This is the moment of truth. When Jenny answers the door, who does she look at first? If it's you, congratulations. You are Rick. If she looks at your friend first, sorry, but you're Steve. It is Jenny's nature to gravitate toward, and say hello first to, the more dominant of any two males to whom she has previously been introduced. To protest this is to undermine
The Guy
. Remember: whether you're Rick or Steve, you're the one who chose Jenny. So have a little faith in yourself. Have a little faith in your own judgment, in the choices you've made. You have picked the right girl and she has seen you for who you are.

If Steve

It is not easy being Steve, but you must not forget that Steve is important. And you are not necessarily going to be Steve for the rest of your life. The next Jenny might choose you over the next friend. Jennys and friends come and go. In that respect,
The Guy
is not very different from the world at large. Suck it up: be the best Steve you can be. And once you find Geoff, you might forget you're Steve, anyway. So shake Rick's hand and congratulate him for being Rick. Thank Jenny for being so perceptive. Tell her she has done a good job. Tell them better their Steve than someone else's Rick. Be sincere. Believe what you tell them.

If Rick

You are more handsome than Steve. Life has been gentler with you. Your father thinks more highly of you than his thinks of him. Where Steve stammers, you enunciate. Where Steve bumbles, you glide like a Dutch speed-skater. You bound up the creaky stairways Steve falls down. Under the spell of your gaze, Jenny becomes a blushing, shrinking thing. Steve averts his eyes when she catches him staring. Yet Steve cares for you and you must remember not to lord your Rickness over him. He is not, after all, Geoff. And if you try to make Geoff of him, you risk everything, the old loneliness.

Cement the Image

Now it is time to stand in a bathroom and practice Tableau. Make sure to wear shoes for verisimilitude. Make sure the bathroom's mirror is wide enough to hold the image of the three of you standing side by side. Make sure its lower border is low enough to capture Jenny from the waist up. Your best bet is to go to the home's master bathroom.

If the home's master bathroom does not have a mirror of proper proportions, then Steve will inform Rick of the problem. If Rick doesn't know what to do next, Steve will suggest that the three of you go to his house or Rick's house in search of the right mirror. It will be up to Rick to decide which house to try first. If neither Rick's house nor Steve's house has the right mirror, go to the nearest indoor shopping mall. Go to the men's room in the food court. Most men will not protest Jenny's being in the men's room, but if a man protests, Rick will look at the man blankly, saying nothing, and Steve will take a half-step in the man's direction. The protesting man will then retreat.

Stand side by side before the mirror—Jenny in the center, Rick to her right, Steve to her left. If Rick is the one who looks like Jenny's brother, his arm should be around her shoulder. If Rick is not the one who looks like Jenny's brother, he should hold Jenny's hand.

Rick's free hand, his right hand, should be raised three inches above his head. The raised hand's index finger should point forward, in the direction of the mirror, the direction from which Geoff will come later on. Every three to five seconds, Rick should stab the air with his finger.

Steve's hands will stay in the front pockets of his pants. Steve will watch his feet until the moment after Rick stabs the air, at which point Steve will look to the spot where Rick's finger is pointed, then return his gaze to his feet.

All the while, Jenny will communicate cautious determination via the engagement of the activity-synthesis described earlier.

Practice Tableau until it conveys a sense of urgency, imminent justice, and the threat of violence. You will know you have acquired mastery when Steve feels important. Steve's feeling of importance is indicated by facial flush and heavy breathing. When these indications manifest, Rick and Jenny will have a perfect opportunity to acknowledge the importance of Steve. They should do so. Acknowledging Steve's importance will engender group cohesion. Rick should begin with, “How do you feel, Steve?”

To which Steve will reply, “I feel important.”

And Jenny will say, “You
are
important,” then glancingly touch the flat of her hand to Steve's forearm, and add, “to me. You're important to me.”

And Rick, a rare smile stretched across his face, both hands raised to invite a pair of high-fives that should culminate not in slapping sounds but quiet finger-laced graspings, will say, “Now let's find Geoff! Let's do this thing.”

Go where Rick says to go. Once you have gotten there, get in Tableau. Convey urgency, imminent justice, and the threat of violence.

Geoff

Who is Geoff? Whoever Rick says he is.

How is Geoff? Geoff is by himself.

Why is Geoff? Geoff is for Jenny who Geoff is because of.

Where is Geoff? He is moving toward the three of you, probably at the nearest indoor shopping mall, riding the escalators. But that is up to Rick.

Play

Now it is time to play
The Guy
:

It is time for Rick to choose a Geoff and indicate his choice of Geoff to Jenny, Steve, and Geoff by aiming his jabbing finger in the direction of Geoff and saying, loudly, “Is that the guy?”

From this point on, the three of you, whether by escalator or foot, will continue in Geoff's direction, so long as he is facing you, and you will not deviate from Tableau.

Rick will repeat, “Is that the guy?”

And Jenny will say, “I don't know.”

And Steve will look up at Geoff, then back at his feet.

As the team closes in on Geoff, Rick, making sure to jab his finger in time with the question, will say, “Is that the guy?”

And Jenny will say, “I can't tell.”

And Steve will look up at Geoff, then back at his feet. And the team will continue to close in on Geoff.

Repeat these moves in sequence until Geoff either runs away or is standing within two feet of the three of you, at which point Rick will say to Geoff, “You're the guy.”

And Jenny will say, “No, he's not the guy.”

And Rick will say, “Lucky for you, guy.”

And Geoff will go away.

Steve will then whisper, “It's okay,” and say, “We'll find him, Jenny,” and ask Rick, “Isn't that true?”

And just as Rick, with his jabbing finger, indicates the new Geoff and says, “Is that the guy?” Jenny will touch Steve on the cheek to shush him. Steve will beam.

What if Geoff protests in the fashion of “I didn't do it,” before Jenny tells Rick, “No, he's not the guy”?