Hot Zone (31 page)

Phil was smiling too, but she could see Meri, in her exuberance, was going too far. She pulled on Meri’s arm. Meri ignored her. “Tell me!”

Tucker slanted a look at me. “Stay or go?”

I felt a rush of warmth. He was such a sweetie. He’d let me decide what and how much to tell them. He’d even let me tell him whether he needed to stay and take some of the heat off me. “I’m okay here. Thanks, though. Maybe you should run while you can.” I gave him a smile.

Tucker got off of the bed and said easily, “I’m going to take a shower.”

Meri wasted no time jumping up on the bed, bouncing me as I sat down. Phil was more restrained, but she sat curled up on the bed as well. “So?” Phil said. “What happened?”

I looked at them. I wasn’t sure if I wanted this to be public knowledge. Had it been a mistake? Something that just happened because we both had been hurt and lonely? I didn’t know what to say, and for the first time since the three of us started living together, I didn’t want to share all this with them. I stood up. “I’m going to take a shower as well. I can’t talk about this right now. Sorry.” Without really meaning to, I sounded pissed.

I saw Meri look puzzled, but Phil just shrugged. “Okay. See you at breakfast.”

I was headed to Mom and Dad’s bathroom when I heard Meri say, “What? She doesn’t want to tell us? What does that even mean?”

I shut the door on her words. I saw by the little stick-up clock Mom had put in here to keep her on time that it was nearly noon. No wonder there wasn’t a line for the showers. I took a quick shower and was toweling off, yet I still hadn’t decided what to do. I didn’t want to hurt Tucker, but that was a pretty poor reason to stay with someone. And I couldn’t figure out my own feelings. I was too mixed up. It had all happened too quickly, and I wasn’t caught up yet emotionally.

I borrowed some clothes of Mom’s since we were about the same size. I combed my hair and stared at myself in the mirror. I was stalling, I realized. I went and sat on the bed, brushing grass off the bedspread. I guess it was a good thing we were too tired to get under the covers. I put my arms around my knees and eyed myself in the mirror over the dresser. I felt like I should be ashamed, but why?

A quiet rap on the door caught my attention. I sighed and went to open it. There stood Tucker. His blond hair was damp from the shower and looked as if he’d styled it by carelessly running his fingers through it. Once again his classic Viking good looks hit me like a slap. I backed up, and he came in the room. He gave me a smile, but I wasn’t sure the smile reached his stunning blue eyes. “I figured I should find out what you said, so I can back you up.” He didn’t touch me, and I knew he expected I would be torn. Or would he believe that I would come to my senses and not want anyone to know I’d been with him?

I’m not sure what was on my face, but it seemed mean something to him. He cleared his throat. “Madde, don’t worry about it. No one has to know, and we can just say that we were talking and fell asleep in here. I don’t think—”

I frowned. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him to have that carefully blank look on his face. I didn’t want him to deny he’d been with me last night. I interrupted him. “No, that’s not what I meant.”

He waited patiently. I couldn’t stand that look on his face one second more. I went over to him and wrapped my arms around his middle, pressing the side of my face against his chest. It felt startlingly right. “Tucker, I’m sorry I’m acting weird.”

He put his arms around me, but I could tell he had hesitated. I looked up at him. His face was so careful it nearly broke my heart. I couldn’t think of what to say, so I pulled his face down to mine and kissed him. As the kiss ended he looked at me, and I could tell he thought it was a good-bye kiss. I shook my head in exasperation and pushed him until he overbalanced and sat on the bed.

“You know, Tucker, I am sort of confused.” I admitted as I climbed up on the bed and held his hands in mine. “Everything has changed so quickly, and I feel sort of numb. But I am absolutely not sorry we were together last night.” As I said it I realized it was true.

He squeezed my hands. “Me neither, but I do feel a little guilty.”

“Guilty? I’m the one who stole your innocence.” I poked him in the arm.

“You fiend,” he said without heat, rolling his eyes. “Actually, it’s because I took advantage of your emotional state.”

“I wasn’t unaware of what was happening. You gave me several chances to be sure it was what I wanted. And it was exactly what I wanted. I was, if you’ll remember, a very willing participant.” Even talking about the experience made my breath catch. What had Tucker done to me? I felt like a different person—a sexy, desired person.

He was thawing a little. “Yes, you were.” Then he shrugged. “Not that I’d know the difference.”

I suddenly had a vision of him getting some experience with someone else. Karen? I felt such a bolt of jealousy that I felt physically ill. Tucker was mine
.
He must have seen me sway a little. His arms reached out and held my shoulders to steady me. I was staring at him as if I’d never seen him before. Maybe I hadn’t, not really. There was suddenly no choice to make, or if there had been, somewhere along the line I’d already made it.

“Madde, are you all right?” he asked, concerned.

“Yes, actually, I think I am.” I laughed. How had I even thought there was a question here?

He was looking at me as if I’d lost my mind. “I’m okay, Tucker, really. I need to know, though. Was last night just a one-time thing? Cause if that’s how you want it, I will of course respect that. I just don’t know how I’d handle it if I had to see you with someone else right now.” I frowned as I thought about that.

He looked floored. “You … I thought you were having second thoughts.”

“I don’t know what I was having—brain catching up, I think. But I do know that last night wasn’t a mistake, at least not for me. And you didn’t take advantage of me.”

He slowly reached out and touched my jaw, letting his fingers trail down the curve of it. I closed my eyes, leaning into his hand. “I suppose you already know I’m in love with you,” he said softly. “But I don’t want you to feel obligated in any way.”

I snorted, making a decision. “Come on.” I jumped off the bed and grabbed his hand tugging him until he followed, looking both wary and curious. I pulled him out through the living room where several pairs of eyes watched us avidly to the kitchen where Meri and Phil were eating lunch.

They looked up as we came in. “Hi. Sorry about being grumpy before. The truth of the matter is that assuming Tucker doesn’t find someone more interesting, we’re together.” I grinned at them.

Tucker hadn’t said a word. Meri jumped up and hugged first Tucker, then me. “I knew it!” she repeated over and over. “I knew you two would end up together.” She swatted at Tucker. “Didn’t I tell you?”

I looked back at Tucker, a little overwhelmed at the enormity of what I’d just done. I couldn’t say I loved him, not yet. The words felt strange and foreign. I had to get used to this first. But I was committed now. And it felt really good. Tucker pulled me closer. “Someone more interesting?” he asked quietly.

“Well, you know. I didn’t want to speak for you,” I said a little shyly.

“No, wouldn’t want that.” He put his arms around me and kissed me soundly. “I really thought you would run like hell this morning,” he said softly in my ear. “I was afraid I’d pushed you into it, and it would ruin our friendship.”

“Okay, I admit I was a little scared. But then I thought of you with someone else, and seriously, I felt murderous. It put things into perspective for me.”

He smiled, and he looked as happy as he had first thing this morning. Suddenly he froze. “I think your phone is vibrating.” I laughed and pulled it out of my pocket. “At least I hope it’s your phone,” he added, and I grinned at him as I checked the caller ID.

Gabriel. I stared at it and my smile faded.

Tucker looked at it and said softly, “Whatever you do is fine.”

I opened the phone. “Yes?”

“Madde, I just got a call from Nick. I can honestly say when you walked out of here saying you intended to kiss the first man you saw, I thought you were exaggerating.” His voice was silky and something else. Annoyed? Mad? Certainly not hurt.

“Actually I was exaggerating. I had no intentions of doing anything. What I did end up doing is absolutely not your concern. I said I’d help you out, but that’s it. You have your life and I have mine.”

“I’m not okay with that,” he said, and a definite edge had crept into his voice.

“I don’t particularly care,” I said evenly. “So, I tell you what, I’m going to start the four thousand things you gave me to do tomorrow.” I gave Tucker a look and smiled. “No, make that the day after tomorrow. I need a little time for a quick vacation of sorts.”

It was so quiet on the phone I checked to see if he’d hung up on me. “Hello?”

“Perhaps I owe you a visit after all,” he said a little flatly.

I froze, and Tucker looked concerned. “Catfish, and anyone in Catfish is my responsibility. Do not come here,” I said as firmly as I could.

“Just your responsibility? That isn’t what you said when you wanted help with Jacob.”

I faltered. “You know I appreciate what you did for him, but this is my life we’re talking about here.”

“Your appreciation fades amazingly fast.”

“My appreciation doesn’t stretch to giving myself to you,” I snapped.

“Perhaps you should consider Tucker. It was Tucker you were with this morning? Maybe you should ask yourself what the risks might be for him. Maybe you’d better consider how far you want to take this,” he said menacingly. “I don’t give up easily.”

I knew I had to be calm and not let him rile me. “Gabriel, there’s nothing here for you anymore, except an employee. If you want to keep that, you can keep your threats and commands to yourself.”

His voice, when it came, was soft. “We’ll just have to see about that.” He hung up. I pocketed the phone slowly, worried. Tucker kissed my temple, and I felt a little better.

Phil smiled. “Aw, did the big bad Gabriel have his ego hurt?” she cooed in a baby voice.

That broke the tension. I nodded with mock sadness. “I think he is starting to believe he’s as great as everyone thinks he is. Poor deluded man.”

Meri giggled. “He deserves to get slapped down.” She rolled her eyes deliberately. “I have just one word to say . . . outlets!”

I laughed, and they laughed with me. I said to Tucker, “I was serious about not helping him for a couple of days. I had a chance to do some thinking while I was there, and no matter that he’s a pig with outlets; he has done some interesting things. I want to talk to you about them and get your opinion before I move ahead.” I pulled him down to kiss him again. “In the meantime, I’m going to eat. I have a feeling I’m going to need my strength, and Tucker? You are definitely going to need yours.” I gave him what I hoped was a seductive smile and pushed him towards the table.

We made toast and ate it with peanut butter—I was all for speed over quality today—I was really hungry. We chatted more or less as we often did, with the exception of Tucker and I looking at each other, very aware of each move the other made. I felt myself only paying partial attention to the chatter until Phil said in an off-hand voice, “I hope you two are being careful—I mean, I don’t really know if babies are possible now. I haven’t heard of anyone getting pregnant. That would be unfortunate.”

I hadn’t heard a thing after she said babies. I had frozen with the toast part way to my mouth. I felt Tucker nudge me under the table. I went back into motion. “I don’t know if pregnancy is possible or not. I didn’t see any pregnant women in the Cities.”

We finished soon afterwards, and I had some leftovers to give to Hoover. Someone had let her out, so Tucker and I put on our sweatshirts and went outside. We’d taken a few steps when I felt his hand searching for mine. I took his hand, giving him a smile. This was so strange. It was like the entire world had shifted, and everything seemed different now.

After we called for Hoover she came speeding out of the trees, running circles around us. I gave her the leftovers, and she ate them hungrily. I threw a stick, and she sat and gave me a look that seemed to say,
What, me? You’re the one who threw it
. I laughed and patted her. “You’re right. You’re too smart to chase sticks. Go ahead and go out and catch us some dinner.” To my surprise, she ran off into the woods.

I watched her disappear, wondering if the bombs had affected any animals. Their nervous systems weren’t so very different than ours, were they? I wondered who would know.

Tucker interrupted my thoughts. “I guess I sort of dropped the ball with the whole ‘protection’ thing last night.”

“It’s not like I’m not just as responsible. I simply didn’t think of it. I used to be on the pill, and that was fine until about a week ago when I was supposed to go back on them, but I didn’t have any more. I think I’m probably still covered. We could go and check out the pharmacy in town. I think I remember what I was using. Sorry I sort of freaked when she said that. It’s just that it never occurred to me until just that minute.”

“It doesn’t have to be your responsibility,” he said as we walked back up towards the house. His arm was around my shoulders now, and mine curled around his waist. It seemed natural and strange at the same time.

“Oh. I have always … I mean, Eddy was really against having to do anything, and I think he sort of felt like it was my problem if things went wrong.”

“I do not feel that way.” His tone was serious. “My brother, Dale, got a girl pregnant a few years ago, and he had the same attitude. She ended up aborting, and it always made me sad to think of a part of my family just … gone.”

“Someone around here?” I couldn’t believe they had kept that quiet.

“No, a girl who he met when he was at Windhaven—the residential facility. They encouraged mixers occasionally so the incorrigible boys and uncontrollable girls could learn how to impress each other.” His expression showed how much sense he thought this made.