House Arrest (13 page)

WEEK
2
6

Breathless.
I hate to use that word.
You know.
But this is how I actually felt
driving to Mrs. B's office.
Mom said,
You're acting really weird.
I said,
No, I'm not!
But my knee was bouncing
my fingers tapping
my eyes watching the
slow slow slow
speedometer.
Then we were there.
I sprinted up the stairs
accidentally banging the door to the office
when I threw it open.
Mrs. B's eyes grew and grew
along with her smile
when I said,
Hey, Mrs. B!
I saw the tiny shrug
she shared with Mom,
then we were in her office.
I was bouncing on her couch:
So? What did he say?
Just by her face I knew to stop bouncing.
She tucked her hair behind her ears,
she sucked her bottom lip for 1.2 seconds.
No response yet,
she said.
I was breathless again
but this time the opposite way,
the punched-in-the-stomach way.
But!
She held up her hand.
It's only been a week.
He's very busy.
Take a deep breath, Timothy.
Give him time.
Time is not an easy thing, Mrs. B,
when Levi could use so much help
right this very second and the next second
and the one after that.
I thought the whole point
of me sending that e-mail
from your e-mail address
was to get the doctor to e-mail back
FASTER.
I will find the money to give to Dr. Sawyer.
All the money he needs.
But finding the time to wait for him?
You can't have bake sales for that.

I already know.
I know.
I know!
Thank you, Mrs. B, for explaining to me how it works.
But I already know.
I read it on the website.
You call.
You make an appointment.
But then what?
It's the
then what
that needs the answers.
It's the
then what
that worries me.
It's the
then what
that's making me e-mail him.
When I tell Mom the Cincinnati plan
I need answers for ALL of the
then whats
plus probably some extra ones, too.
I need so many answers.

José opened the door.
I guess I looked surprised
when I said,
Oh, hi. It's you.
Who did you think it would be?
He laughed.
I swallowed.
Because
um
I thought it would be Isa.
I thought I would tell her that Dr. Sawyer
hadn't responded.
I thought maybe her long eyelashes
would dip down
and her dark eyes would look up
and she would say,
Oh, man. That stinks, Timothy.
And I would nod.
And maybe she would pat my arm.
My face flushed
and José narrowed his eyes.
He looked red-hot mad
then he said,
She's right here.
GORDITA!
he shouted
making
me
red-hot mad
and then there she was
and he was gone.

Simpering.
It's a word I didn't know.
I thought it meant something to do with food.
But that's not it.
Simpering is smiling
when you think you're better than everyone else.
Simpering is looking at your hands,
shrugging,
then smirking and saying words that cut like knives.
It's amazing how long you have managed,
simpered Mary.
He really does have complex medical needs,
doesn't he?
simpered Mary.
We all need four hands, don't we? Just for one baby!
simpered Mary.
I can't even simper back, because I'm scared.
I'm scared she's up to something.
I can see it in her eyes.
Those big, stupid cow eyes.

Who are you to tell us what he needs?
I screamed it.
So loud.
So loud.
My throat felt like I'd swallowed sandpaper.
She doesn't know him.
She doesn't know anything.
She thinks happy leg means he needs a new diaper.
What does she know?
Zero things.
None of the things.
And she's always talking in that baby voice.
That fake, awful baby voice.
She thinks he should be
moved to a facility
.
She thinks he needs
more care than we can give him
.
I give him ALL my cares!
The only thing I
can
care about is Levi!
And it's the same with Mom.
I know it.
If you could die from caring too much, she would.
A
facility
?
What does that even mean?
A permanent hospital?
A nursing home, like for old people?
Could she take Levi from us?
Could that happen?
I want to scream.
And then puke.
And then scream some more.

WEEK
2
7

Just so you know
I'm not speaking to Mom
possibly ever again.
I can't believe she actually agreed to do this.
I can't believe we're going.
I can't look at her.
I can't talk to her.
This can't be happening.

It smells in here
like the hospital
like juvie
like cleaning tables in detention
like the smell is a warning
ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
I hope Mom can smell it, too.
I hope Mary chokes on it.

A tour of the facility is not a commitment.
Mom mumbled that sentence
in the car ride home
while Mary suctioned Levi
and I bit the corner of my thumbnail so hard
it bled
red drips of blood.

His head is so fuzzy.
I mean, it hardly counts as hair.
And his eyes are so bright
like there is a power source
inside his head
with extra voltage.
And his smile is so wide
it goes from one side of his face to the other
but not in a creepy way,
not in a Joker way.
And his fingers work so hard
to tell me what he wants
to tell me what he needs.
And his happy leg
goes crazy
just goes bananas
when
Baby Signing Adventure
comes on TV.
And he signs
more more more
.
And he signs
yes yes yes
.
And he signs
please please please
.
So I turn it up
and I pull him into my lap
and we learn new signs together.
And I swear to you
if anyone tries to take him away
I will risk juvie to keep him out of that place,
that
facility
.

Mom says:
The state will pay for the facility
if Levi's doctors say he needs it.
There's a special program.
I say:
Are there special programs
so the state can pay for him to stay home?
Mary says:
The state already pays for him to stay home.
The state pays for me.
I say:
The state should ask for its money back.
Mom says [ignoring me]:
What if it's just for a few months
so I can work lots of overtime?
Earn lots of extra money?
Save for a night nurse every night?
Mary says:
We're thinking about what's best for Levi.
I say:
The state will have to pay for me
to live in a facility, too,
before I let you tell us what's best for Levi.
Mary sucks in her breath.
Mom drops her eyes.
I don't hit Mary.
But I want to, James.
I want to, Mrs. B.
I want to hit her in those stupid cow eyes.
I really, really want to.
It scares me how much I want to.

Crying crying crying
that's all I could do.
I couldn't even make words
come out of my mouth
and it was so embarrassing
but I didn't know where else to go,
and my journal was stuffed
under my shirt
because it's like a part of me now
and I couldn't stop crying
even when it was Isa
of course
who opened the door,
and even when José's mom
took me to the bathroom
and turned on the shower
and said over and over,
Mijo, mijo, mijo
,
until she was crying
and I was crying
and she was looking at my knuckles
all bloody and bruised
from punching the wall
instead of Mary
who I would never really punch
because she is old and has stupid cow eyes,
and José's mom was hugging me so tight
I had no breath
and so I thought of Levi
which made me cry even harder
and José and Theresa and Alé and Sofia
and Isa
were all outside the bathroom door
wondering why I was freaking out.
I know they were.
Now I'm out of the shower.
I'm wearing José's pajamas.
I'm in the dark
on the floor
in a sleeping bag
and no one is around
and I can't stop hiccupping.