How Spy I Am (31 page)

“What’s your problem?”
I snapped.

His voice was mild and
quiet. “Please don’t threaten me.”

Something in his tone
chased a shiver of primal fear down my spine, and my faulty
emotional wiring instantly translated it to fury. “Or what?” I
ground out.

He stood silently, his
shoulders seeming to expand in the narrow doorway.

“Oh, there you are,
honey-pie,” Lurene carolled from the doorway.

Kane turned, his face
pleasantly composed, his posture relaxed.

Damn, I wished I could
learn that trick.

“Here’s the address
for that restaurant I was telling you about.” Lurene wobbled over
on too-high heels to press a small piece of paper into Kane’s hand.
“I just know you’ll love it. Don’t you forget to have the pecan
pie. It’s the best in Macon!”

Kane accepted the
paper with a smile and thanked her, causing a great fluttering of
eyelashes and jewellery-encrusted hands. As she turned away her
heel caught on the carpet, and Kane quickly reached to steady
her.

“Oooh, thank you!” Her
attempt at a coo sounded more like a rusted gate hinge. She wrapped
both hands around Kane’s bulging bicep, peeking up at him through
heavily-mascaraed lashes. “You know, big boy, you could be a movie
star yourself. Couldn’t he?” She shot me a coy look while her hand
slid over his chest.

My mean streak
surfaced. “Oh, he’s already in the industry. They call him Big John
the Wonder Horse.” The words popped out before I could stop them,
and I clapped my hand over my mouth in horror.

Kane was going to kill
me. Right here on the spot. In front of a witness.

“Ooooh…” Lurene’s eyes
and hand travelled southward.

Kane’s smile remained
in place, but I caught the dangerous glint in those storm-grey
eyes. “Don’t tell anybody,” he said as he gently caught her hand in
the guise of escorting her to the door. “I’m in confidential
contract negotiations, so it’s all very hush-hush. Thank you for
the restaurant recommendation. Arlene and I have to get going
now.”

When he turned back to
me, Lurene caught my eye from behind him. She flashed me her
carnivorous grin and fanned herself briefly before strolling away,
her balance impeccable on those high heels.

After a moment, Kane
spoke into the thick silence. “We should go.”

The silence persisted
until we were seated in the upscale restaurant. I bit my tongue to
keep from babbling inanities and studied the menu as if cramming
for an exam. When I had it memorized, I laid it down and let my
gaze travel across the polished tables, candles, and fresh flowers,
trying to relax into the soft music and subdued murmur of well-bred
voices.

I drew a breath of
relief when the waiter arrived, but Kane spoke before I could.
“We’ll have a bottle of the Sauvignon Blanc,” he said, and lapsed
into silence again as the waiter retreated.

I considered arguing
his high-handedness, but picking a fight and storming out would be
childish, and after all, he’d ordered my favourite. I squelched my
temper with an effort.

When the waiter
returned with the bottle, Kane actually allowed me to order my meal
all by myself, and I sipped gratefully at the wine after the waiter
had faded away again.

Kane’s voice made me
twitch. “So. Big John the Wonder Horse.”

“Uh.” I glanced up to
meet his level gaze and looked away quickly. “Sorry, um…”

“You named me after a
giant silicone penis. The one Lola keeps on display at Up &
Coming.”

“Um…” I chanced
another quick peek at his face. “So, um… you’re flattered,
right?”

He didn’t smile. “Is
that why Lola calls me Big John?”

“No! Well, yeah,
probably… I mean…” I shook myself and gulped a mouthful of wine
before meeting his eyes. “I swear I had nothing to do with that.
Lola called you that long before we ever…”

“So you never
discussed me with Lola.” The dangerous glint was back.

“No!”

“You’re lying again,
aren’t you?”

I thumped my head
against the back of the seat, wondering if it was actually possible
to beat myself unconscious. Probably not a good time to find
out.

“No! I mean, yes, I
discussed you with Lola, but not that way. She was bugging me about
making a move on you, and I told her I wouldn’t. That’s it.”

“So her nickname for
me is sheer coincidence.”

“Well, no, of course
not. I mean…” I stopped myself halfway through a gesture toward his
lap. “She saw you in your motorcycle chaps. Those things just…”

I shut up before I
could embarrass myself any further. Or drool conspicuously on the
shiny table.

Kane raised an
eyebrow. “Just what?”

“Focus attention…
jeez, you know what I mean.”

“I’m not sure I
do.”

I eyed his
expressionless face with irritation. “You’re going to make me say
it, aren’t you? Fine. They focus attention on the fact that you’re
extremely well-hung.”

His lips quirked, and
I leaned closer to whisper. “Can we please talk about something
besides your penis now?”

“All right. Let’s talk
about us.”

I recoiled. “So, about
your penis,” I said a little too loudly as the young waiter
appeared beside us.

The soup plate clanked
on the table in front of me, clam chowder sloshing over the edge
and onto the polished wood.

“I’m sorry, please
excuse me,” the waiter blurted as he whisked the dish away, swiping
ineffectually at the spill with his hand before stopping himself.
“I’ll be right back with…” He turned and hurried away, his fair
cheeks flushed.

Kane’s composed
expression showed signs of crumbling. “About my penis,” he said
gravely.

“Shut
up
!”

His lips twitched and
he held onto his deadpan expression for another moment before
leaning back in the soft leather banquette to give in to silent
laughter, his broad shoulders shaking.

I twisted my wineglass
between my hands as a substitute for throttling him while I tried
to decide whether to be furious or relieved. Relief won, and I
subsided into the upholstery while the young waiter cleaned the
table and served two fresh bowls of soup, his eyes averted.

Kane wiped his eyes
and emitted a chuckle before sitting up again. “All right,” he
said. “I’ll admit I’m flattered.”

I offered him a
tentative smile. “I don’t know why I said that to Lurene.”

“You were angry with
me, and not unreasonably so. I’m sorry I broke in on you. You’re
right, it was an invasion of your privacy.”

I sighed. “Not without
reason, either, given our recent history. I’m sorry I flew off the
handle and threatened you. You know I wouldn’t actually shoot you,
don’t you?”

“I hope you wouldn’t.
But you probably shouldn’t make promises you might not be able to
keep.”

I felt a smile forming
on my lips. “Coming from the man who was a hair away from shooting
me a few months ago, I’ll take that in the spirit it was offered.”
I gave him a shallow bow across the table. “I promise not to shoot
you out of annoyance alone.”

He laughed, his sexy
laugh lines crinkling. “I’ll hold you to that.”

We ate a few spoonfuls
of the delicious soup before Kane spoke abruptly. “I wanted to tell
you I’m sorry.”

I paused, spoon
poised. “Um… okay. For what?”

“For the things I said
at your house the other night. I’ve known from the beginning that
you had other… activities. It was unreasonable of me to get so
angry, and I hope you can forgive me.”

I waved a hand, hoping
to forestall any more uncomfortable discussion. “Forget it. No big
deal.” I started to say, “I’m not…” before realizing that denying I
was an undercover agent would probably start the whole disagreement
over again. “…um, it’s okay, let’s just enjoy the food tonight,” I
finished awkwardly, and took a large mouthful of soup.

“Aydan…” He leaned
across the table, lowering his voice. “Hellhound said you were
trying to protect me from a mistake I made. What mistake? And when
did I make it?”

I swallowed, tension
knotting my stomach. “I really can’t tell you.” I dropped my gaze
to watch my spoon swirl through my chowder, waiting for his
explosion.

“Why can’t you tell
me?” His quiet voice encouraged me to glance at his face before
returning my attention to my bowl. He didn’t look mad. Yet.

“If I tell you, it’ll
put both you and another person in danger. I’m not willing to risk
either of you.”

In the silence that
followed, I spooned through my soup with intense concentration,
shifting clams over to the left, vegetables to the right.

“All right,” he said
finally. “I wish you’d just let me deal with the danger, but if you
say it has to be this way, I trust you.”

I jerked my head up to
stare at him. “You do?”

“Of course. I made the
decision to trust you back in March, the very first time I brought
you into our bunker. My instincts are rarely wrong.” Kane gave me a
wry smile. “Sometimes I second-guess myself, though. With uniformly
bad results.”

“Uh.” Not quite sure
how to respond, I stirred my segregated chowder together again and
took another spoonful.

He sobered, watching
me. “I know you don’t want to deal with this, and I don’t want to
spoil a nice meal, but we really need to talk about us. Can we do
that?”

“Can we do it
later?”

His expression made me
lay down my spoon to bury my face in my hands with a groan. “Okay,”
I mumbled. “Let’s get it over with.”

His silence made me
look up again to see that heartbreakingly vulnerable look. “I don’t
want to be the cause of that look in your eyes,” he murmured. “That
trapped, terrified look every time I say the word ‘us’.”

“I’m sorry…” I
began.

“Don’t apologize,” he
said gently. “I know what’s really going on. You don’t have to lie
to me anymore.”

Oh God, had he
discovered Robert was still alive?

“Uh… what do you
mean?”

“I didn’t understand
earlier, but now that I do, I won’t ask you to betray your loyalty.
I know that relationship existed long before anything ever happened
between you and me.”

Shit, shit, shit! I
had to get to Robert before Kane did.

“Just don’t kill him
yet, okay?” I begged. “Please? I just need to see him first…”

Kane sat back
abruptly. “You really think I’d… Aydan, I’d never harm Hellhound.
Is that why you didn’t tell me you’re in love with him?”

“In lo…
what
?”
I gaped at him, doing some frantic mental backtracking. Thank God I
hadn’t mentioned Robert’s name. “I, um… I’m not in love with
Arnie.”

He frowned across the
table. “Aydan, don’t deny it. I saw you together outside Blue
Eddy’s on Thursday night. I saw the way you looked at each other.
The way you touched.” He squared his shoulders. “This summer you
said you loved me, and I wanted to believe that. But when you were
in bed with me, you were… You touched me like you couldn’t get
enough of me, but not as if you loved me. Not the way you touched
him.”

“That was different,
that was-”

He held up a hand to
silence me and met my eyes, looking deeply. “That’s when I realized
that when you need comfort, you always go to him, not me. You trust
him with the truth, not me. So you can relax. I told him you and I
had agreed it wouldn’t work between us and that he shouldn’t hold
back from being with you. You both deserve a chance at happiness
together.”

“John…” I resisted the
urge to beat my head against the table and took a deep breath
instead. “You’re not getting it. Yes, I lo-… trust Arnie. And I
wasn’t lying when I said I…” I swallowed hard. “…L-love you. But
it’s not the kind of love that leads to commitment. I explained
that this summer.”

“Aydan…” he began, but
I spoke over him.

“I’m not going to
settle down with somebody and live happily ever after. My ‘happily
ever after’ doesn’t have that kind of relationship in it.”

He shook his head.
“But, Aydan, if you love someone-”

“Stop,” I interrupted.
“Listen to me. I can count every lover I’ve ever had on the fingers
of one hand, and that includes both you and Arnie. I’m at a stage
where I want the freedom to sleep with whoever I please, or to go
home to an empty bed if I want. Love is… it’s fine, but it’s… I
can’t love anybody enough to do commitment again. I’m too old and
selfish and fucked up.”

“That’s just an
excuse. You’re-” He pressed his lips together as if to stop himself
and frowned across the table for a moment.

“So what
do
you
want?” he burst out. “You want to screw him on odd days and me on
even days? Or swap us out halfway through the night?”

I winced at the
bitterness in his tone.

“I’m sorry,” he said
immediately. “Aydan, I’m sorry, please forget I said that. I
just…”

I gave him a
half-smile. “Your alpha-male is having serious issues?”

He gave me an intense
look. “You have no idea.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to
apologize for. This is my problem, not yours. I’ll deal with it.”
Kane let out a long breath. “Eat your soup. It’s getting cold.”

I picked up my spoon,
trying to unclench my stomach. “Where do we go from here?”

I knew better than to
believe his smile and shrug were as easy as they looked. “We go on
as before. As long as you’re still comfortable working with me.” He
raised a questioning eyebrow in my direction.

I nodded quickly.
“Just tell me what ground rules you want. I don’t want to invade
your space again the way I did in the sim.”

“You didn’t,” Kane
said. He pushed his empty soup bowl aside, looking unaccountably
embarrassed. “I owe you an apology for that, too.”

“It’s okay,” I said
quickly. “Just tell me next time I’m out of line, and-”