How to Be a Person (21 page)

Cut pertinent initials or symbols out of slices of white bread with a sharp knife. Position artfully on top of macaroni, then brush liberally with melted butter.

Bake until the cheese is bubbling and the top is browned, 25 to 35 minutes.

Makes eight-ish servings. Hi!

How to Make an Impressive Entire Roasted Chicken

This is way easier than you’d think, but tongs are VERY helpful for the part where you turn the chicken. (This recipe is adapted from
Cook’s Illustrated’s The Best Recipe—Cook’s Illustrated
does things like roast 209 chickens in 209 different ways to find the very best method. Their cookbooks also have neat essays about all their experiments, the science behind cooking, different kinds of pans, and stuff like
that.) Paying a couple dollars more for a free-range, or natural, or organic chicken is worth it (Trader Joe’s has a good selection). Maybe make this one for your roommates before you try it on a date.

Julia Child suggests that you serve roasted chicken with “a light red wine, such as a Bordeaux-Médoc, or a rosé.” Fancy! (See
Wine: What the Hell’s the Deal?
.)

8 or so of those small red potatoes (or fancy small red/gold/purple mix) Olive oil

Salt and pepper

3- to 5-pound whole chicken

Butter

Heat oven to 375 degrees F (move the rack to the middle). Cut the potatoes in half and put them in a rectangular baking dish with a good splash of olive oil; salt and pepper liberally; and stir them around to get them a little oily. (You can add mushrooms, carrots, turnips, and dried or fresh rosemary or other herbs, too.) Take the giblets—they’re those weird things inside the chicken—out of the inside of the chicken, and put them in among the potatoes. Rinse the chicken, inside and out, and pat it lovingly dry with a paper towel or two. Set it on top of the potatoes, one wing up. Important: To avoid potentially horrible illness, wash your hands and any surface the raw chicken has touched with hot, soapy water. Put a pat or two of butter on the chicken, and salt and pepper it liberally.

Roast your bird (that just means put it in the oven and bake it) wing-side-up for 15 minutes. Pull it out, turn it other-wing-side-up,
pat-of-butter and salt/pepper it, and roast it for another 15 minutes. Pull it out, turn it breast-up (with the drumsticks sticking up in the air), pat-of-butter and salt/pepper it, turn the oven up to 450 degrees F, and put it back in for approximately half an hour.

Check it! You will know it is done when the drumstick wiggles in the socket readily and/or when juices run clear yellow when you stab it. (It doesn’t hurt to stab pretty deep in and look for any pinkness, meaning it’s not done, until you’ve made enough chickens that you have a good sense of doneness.) Cut it up and serve it with the delicious potatoes from underneath. And try the different giblets; some people like them.

Make Your Own Coffee!

You will save lots of money (and probably make new friends) if you make your own coffee. Get a coffeemaker or a French press or whatever, and get some decent-quality coffee (Trader Joe’s beans are pretty good and relatively cheap, and they have a grinder), and free yourself from the bonds of the evil mermaid! She only likes you for your cash.

Organic Food: WTF?

Everyone’s all, “Organic,
organic
, ORGANIC!” these days, and there are some pretty damn convincing political and environmental and health reasons. But it also makes sense to eat local (smaller
carbon footprint) and seasonal (fresher, nicer) food, like from a farmers’ market, and it’s hard for little farmers to get certified organic because the USDA is big and mean. (You want to know more? Read all about it on our friend the internet!) Organic is also often markedly more expensive. Some things that reportedly have more pesticides—and thus are better to buy organic—include lettuce, spinach, bell peppers, celery, potatoes, apples, peaches, nectarines, strawberries, pears, and cherries. Organic milk and cheese tend to taste a lot better than their nonorganic counterparts. And meat can have some pretty weird stuff done to it if it comes from a factory farm; eat less meat, and you can spend a little more to get the good stuff. But you know what? If you’re cooking real food—instead of eating processed food or junk food or fast food or sweets, or existing on soda pop—you’re doing good. Don’t worry too much about the rest of it.

12. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT MUSIC, BOOKS, AND ART

BY GRANT BRISSEY, PAUL CONSTANT, CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE, ERIC GRANDY, JEN GRAVES, AND DAVID SCHMADER

How to Be Into Music Without Annoying Everyone

U
nless you’re already a sanctioned record nerd, or well on your way, you may find yourself entrapped by some predictable progressions upon entering college. Some of
the most common (boring) phases are: the Pink Floyd Phase, the Bob Dylan Phase, the Jimi Hendrix Phase (if it didn’t take in high school), or, god forbid, the Bob Marley Phase (resist the temptation to grow dreadlocks, especially if you are white). If you do experience symptoms of such a phase, embrace it but keep it brief, and don’t make a big deal about it—no posters on the wall, no talking people’s ear off.

As a rule, music talk should generally be avoided, unless you’re saying something to the effect of “Have you heard them/him/her/it?” or “Yes! I love them/him/her/it. Put it on!” or “No, I’ve never heard them/him/her/it. Let’s hear it!” or “No, they/he/she/it have/has never really done it for me.” Always admit when you don’t know an artist, record, or song; anyone who would judge you for not knowing is not worth your time, and it’s often easily exposed when you lie about things in such uncharted territory. Plus, you’ll never learn it if you pretend to already know it. If you must jibber-jabber about music for any length of time, watch it with the genre names, bub. Half the time they mean something different to everyone involved, and using them just makes you sound like an asshole music critic, and no one wants to hang out with those dudes.

Once you have expediently processed your Bob Dylan Phase, investigate his superior alternative Leonard Cohen, starting with
Songs from a Room
and ending long before the second half of his discography. Pink Floyd? Chuck everything but
The Piper at the Gates of Dawn
. Hendrix? You can go wherever you like after Jimi, but keep all of his records because he is a god. Marley? Put the bong
away (or in the trash if it features a skull and/or jester likeness) and get yourself in touch with Desmond Dekker, who traded more in rocksteady, which you should be listening to instead of reggae anyway—it precedes Marley, it’s slower, and it’s better. Also, get onto some classic dub records—King Tubby’s
At the Controls
is an excellent start.

What the Albums in Your Dorm Room Say About You

THE BEATLES
:
You own an album.
THE ROLLING STONES
:
You own two albums.
THE BEACH BOYS
:
You have never surfed in your life.
THE CLASH
:
You’re experimenting with Marxism.
SLEATER-KINNEY
:
You’re experimenting with lesbianism.
BELLE & SEBASTIAN
:
You’re experimenting with acting gay to get the girls who are experimenting with lesbianism.
MINOR THREAT
:
You’re straight-edge and no fun at parties.
FUGAZI
:
Used to be straight-edge, still no fun at parties.
Q AND NOT U
:
Used to be straight-edge, learned how to dance, finally fun at parties!
JAWBREAKER
:
You get sentimental about punk shows.
LCD SOUNDSYSTEM
:
You get sentimental about dance parties.
PHISH
:
You were in high school jazz band, and now you smoke pot.
BOB MARLEY
:
Your parents know you smoke pot.
THE RAMONES/SEX PISTOLS
:
You resent your parents for paying your tuition.
PUBLIC IMAGE LTD.
:
You’re in communications.
ARCADE FIRE
:
You’re in musical theater.
DEVO
:
You’re in experimental arts.
VAMPIRE WEEKEND
:
You wish you’d gotten into a better school.
PAVEMENT
:
You test well but don’t do your homework.
PUBLIC ENEMY
:
You resent “the Man” and/or are embarrassed about being the offspring of “the Man.”
THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.
:
You’re a chubby-chaser with necrophilia.
LIL WAYNE
:
You love comedy and possibly cough syrup. (No homo!)
LADY GAGA
:
You hate social injustice and possibly pants. (Yes homo!)
PRINCE
:
You are funky, sexually freaky.
AL GREEN
:
You are tastefully horny and likely to be a good lover.
TOBY KEITH
:
Your dick smells like goat butt.
GLEE SOUNDTRACK
:
You hate music.

What the Art Posters in Your Dorm Room Say About You

You think that a Salvador Dalí poster says that you are arty and take interesting drugs. But it does not; it says that you think a melting clock painted in 1930 is still avant-garde. You must take this down. A Mondrian poster is probably best if you go modern, but sharper would be a poster of a work of modern architecture. (Remember, modern is not the same as contemporary.) The color fields of Rothko are a cliché, but still workable for the sensitive (Rothko’s paintings elicit more crying than any other modern artist’s). If you must have one, try to say something cool about it, like, “Did you know that Rothko wanted his paintings to fill your entire field of vision, so that’s how far you should stand from them?” It’s true; situate your bed accordingly and you’ve got yourself a pickup line.

Everything You Need to Know to Successfully Flirt With a Film Nerd

THE BIRTH OF A NATION
(1915)
: D. W. Griffith’s silent epic about the inherent superiority of the white man, set before and during the American Civil War. It’s the highest-grossing film of the silent era, the first film to cut between two scenes, and so boring you will die.
CITIZEN KANE
(1941)
: After a tumultuous career, a mentally ill newspaper mogul dies alone and friendless. Celebrated for its unprecedentedly intricate cinematic storytelling and writer/director/star Orson Welles’ astonishingly successful display of artistic hubris. Rosebud is a sled.
THE SEARCHERS
(1956)
: Hailed as the greatest western ever made, John Ford’s
The Searchers
stars John Wayne as a laconic loner on the hunt for a girl kidnapped by evil Native Americans. In one hilarious scene, a dim-witted cowpoke kicks a sleeping Indian squaw, who rolls down a rocky hill, breaking many bones.
THE MALTESE FALCON
(1941)
,
DOUBLE INDEMNITY
(1944)
,
THE THIRD MAN
(1949)
,
SUNSET BLVD.
(1950)
, THE BIG HEAT
(1953)
, and
TOUCH OF EVIL
(1958)
: These are all “film noir,” a genre of stylish crime films filled with cynical men, deadly dames, and long shadows. “Noir” rhymes with “Gwar.”
2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
(1968)
: A gorgeous film about the world’s boringest space adventure, with long, slow, extended segments devoid of dialogue. Noted for its extravagant pre-CGI visual effects and early acknowledgement of the evilness of computers.
THE GODFATHER
(1972)
: Francis Ford Coppola’s deeply perfect mob drama chronicles the transfer of power from the elderly Don Corleone (a middle-aged Marlon Brando) to his son Michael (a young Al Pacino). The pristine first installment was followed by 1974’s imperfect but awesome
The Godfather: Part II
and 1990’s ridiculous
The Godfather: Part III
.
A WOMAN UNDER THE INFLUENCE
(1974)
: Writer/director/sadist John Cassavetes’ most rewarding cinematic torture session, starring the heroic Gena Rowlands as a lady who goes totally fucking crazy in all sorts of shocking, dull, and disturbing ways, for a long, long time.
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S ANIMAL HOUSE
(1978)
: A chilling documentary about the dark side of college life, from binge drinking to statutory rape. Watch and learn.