How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life (16 page)

Your story isn’t a story unless something unexpected or unusual happens. That’s the plot twist. If you don’t have a twist, it’s not a story. It’s just a regurgitation of your day. That’s fine for catching up with a spouse, but it won’t make you the life of a party.

It’s important to tell stories about interesting events. It’s even more important to avoid telling stories about deadly boring or downer situations. Here are a few topics you should avoid.

And yes, I realize this book has a lot of health-related stories in it. But I’m a professional. And if I did my job right, you’re curious how my voice problem turned out.

Smile, ask questions, avoid complaining and sad topics, and have some entertaining stories ready to go. It’s all you need to be in the top 10 percent of all conversationalists.

If you take a human from a remote tribe where no one has ever heard of a thing called swimming, and you throw him in the ocean, he’ll probably panic and drown. Swimming isn’t entirely natural to humans. We need to learn it. Luckily, we humans learn to swim fairly easily with a little practice.

Shyness is analogous to swimming in the sense that we aren’t born with the tools to overcome our own shyness, and some of us have more natural shyness than others. But as with swimming, we can learn to overcome shyness with a little practice. And it’s worth the effort; otherwise you’ll find yourself socially drowning at every gathering or public talk.

I was so shy when I was in my twenties that I would drive to a party, park my car, break into a full sweat, then drive home without even saying hello.

I
credit one of my college friends with teaching me the secret of overcoming shyness by imagining you are acting instead of interacting. And by that I mean literally acting.

It turns out that a shy person can act like someone else more easily than he can act like himself. That makes some sense because shyness is caused by an internal feeling that you are not worthy to be in the conversation. Acting like someone else gets you out of that way of thinking.

When I fake my way past my natural shyness, I like to imagine a specific confident person I know well. I do my bad impression of that person and it comes off much better than my default routine of breaking into a sweat, laughing too hard at my own jokes, and excusing myself to go sit in a corner and perspire.

I also like to keep a few things in mind when I feel shyness coming on. First, I remember that most people feel awkward in social situations at least some of the time. Chances are that the person you are talking to is feeling just as shy. It helps me to know I’m probably on a level playing field. The other person is only pretending to be socially talented, just as I am.

The single best tip for avoiding shyness involves harnessing the power of acting interested in other people. You don’t want to cross into nosiness, but everyone appreciates it when you show interest.

You should also try to figure out which people are
thing
people and which ones are
people
people.
Thing
people enjoy hearing about new technology and other clever tools and possessions. They also enjoy discussions of processes and systems, including politics.

People
people enjoy only conversations that involve humans doing interesting things. They get bored in a second when the conversation turns to things. Once you know whether you are dealing with a
thing
person or a
people
person, you can craft your conversation to his or her sweet spot. It makes a big difference in how people react to you, and that in turn will make you more confident and less shy.

People who appear outgoing are usually employing a learned social skill that you think is somehow natural. It probably isn’t, at least not entirely. Outgoing people usually come from families with at least one outgoing parent. They observe and imitate. Being outgoing is partly genetic, but you still need to know what to say when. That part is learned. And the good news is that you can learn it too. Observe outgoing people and steal their little tricks if you can. I’ve been doing that for years. It works great.

I also
find it helpful to remind myself that every human is a mess on the inside. It’s easy to assume the good-looking and well-spoken person in front of you has it all together and is therefore your superior. The reality is that everyone is a basket case on the inside. Some people just hide it better. Find me a normal person and I’ll show you someone you don’t know that well. It helps to remind yourself that your own flaws aren’t that bad compared with everyone else’s.

I also recommend exercising your ego the way you’d exercise any other muscle. Try putting yourself in situations that will surely embarrass you if things go wrong, or maybe even if they don’t. Like any other skill, suppressing shyness takes practice. The more you put yourself in potentially embarrassing situations, the easier they all become.

In the interest of full disclosure, my own shyness dissipated when I realized I was semifamous and I had an interesting profession. Success builds confidence and confidence suppresses shyness. If you can’t control your shyness directly through the tricks I outlined, wait until you’re rich and famous; the shyness might leave on its own.

I never learned a second language despite years of trying. I can ace written tests in language classes, but when I hear another language spoken, it all sounds like a clothes drier full of mumbling clowns. Apparently my brain doesn’t have the right wiring for learning additional languages.

A second language can qualify you for a large range of jobs and opportunities compared with your monolingual peers. Where I live, in California, Spanish is the obvious choice for a second language. I’ve met quite a few small-business people who use Spanish to manage their employees. And if you plan to get a job that involves working with the public, Spanish is essential, at least in California. Your situation will differ, but it always makes sense to know an extra language. It’s a huge competitive advantage.

If any of this chapter sounds painfully obvious, keep in mind that lots of different folks will read a book like this. And I remember my own galactic ignorance as a young man. It’s surprising how uncommon common sense is. Also, keep in mind that California schools still teach
French for some ridiculous reason, so clearly someone hasn’t gotten the commonsense memo.

It’s an old cliché that business gets done on the golf course. I’m new to the game, but as far as I can tell, no one ever talks business on a golf course. The thing that golf does well is that it allows males, especially, to bond. Men bond with other men through common activities. And for adult men, golf is as close as you can get to a universal activity. After a certain age it’s probably the most common sportlike activity for men.

If you’re resisting golf because it doesn’t look fun, you’re likely mistaken. Prior to learning how to golf just one year ago, I assumed that if the game was fun at all, it was a low-grade fun, and certainly not worth the time and expense. I was wrong. It turns out that golf transports your brain to another dimension for the hours you are on the course. It’s like a vacation for the mind. And while I wouldn’t call golf relaxing, especially if you play as poorly as I do, the simple act of putting your mind in a completely new and absorbing place can help you escape your daily worries. It’s like a brain vacation. It’s extraordinary, really.

Women in the business world should learn golf for the same reasons as men, plus the extra reason that it opens up some tremendous dating opportunities if you’re in the market. I don’t know how many desirable men would prefer an average woman who golfs over a supermodel who doesn’t, but I’ll bet it’s a substantial number. If you’re a woman looking to increase your buying power in the dating pool, golf is a great competitive advantage. And you might enjoy it too.

One more thing: If you find yourself in cocktail conversation with a male over the age of thirty, and you’re looking for a topic of common interest, golf is a great go-to topic. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, “Do you golf?” It annoyed the hell out of me until I learned the game. Now I’m happy that I can so easily find common ground on a feel-good topic.

No
matter how smart you are, educated people will think you’re a moron if your grammar is lacking. I’m not an expert in this category, but let me tell you the few common grammar errors that make me cringe. Each of these is like leaving the restroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe. People notice.

When you talk about the hypothetical future, use “were” instead of “was.” Don’t say, “If I was to go with you, I would enjoy myself.” Say, “If I
were
to go with you, I would enjoy myself.” This rule of grammar is a big one. If you get “were”/“was” grammar wrong, it’s a red flag to people who know the difference.

It’s a good idea to use words that are actually in the dictionary. For most of my life I believed “brang” was a word, as in “He brang me the ball.” It was common usage in the small town where I grew up. In my late twenties I was mortified to learn that I had been speaking a hillbilly language for most of my life. “Brang” is not in the dictionary. “Brought” is.

“Supposably” isn’t a word either. Try “supposedly.”

“Fustrated” isn’t a word. “Frustrated” is.

“Libary” isn’t a word. “Library” is.

“Nucular” isn’t a word. “Nuclear” is.

Most people misuse the word “hopefully.” It’s bad grammar to say, “Hopefully, she will bring the dessert.” “Hopefully” should be an adverb. Say instead, “We waited hopefully for dessert.” In the latter case, “hopefully” is correctly modifying the verb “waited.” In the first example, hopefully just sits there like the wrong word choice.

The
single most important grammar rule to master is when to use “I”
and when to use “me.” I’ll bet less than 20 percent of the general public gets that right. Normally it wouldn’t matter that 20 percent of the public is judging you. That still leaves a strong majority that isn’t, and for most purposes that would be fine. The problem is that the 20 percent in this case tend to be the most well-educated and successful folks. Those are the same people you might someday want to impress if you’re asking for a job, trying to get venture funding for your start-up, or proposing marriage.

The simple rule for “I” versus “me” is that the sentence has to make sense if you remove the other person mentioned in the sentence. For example, if you say, “Bob and I went to a movie,” it would still make sense if you removed “Bob and” and said, “I went to a movie.”

If the sentence is “Please give the documents to Bob and me,” you can remove “Bob and” and it still makes sense as “Please give the documents to me.” You’ll often hear smart people get this rule wrong, so don’t be fooled by how many times you hear it incorrectly.

People often say “less” when they should say “fewer.” For example, it’s bad grammar to say, “I have less friends than before.” When the subject is plural, as in “friends,” you use “fewer”: “I have fewer friends than before.”

It’s okay to say you have less hair than before, but if you were talking about your individual strands of hair, you would say, “I have fewer strands of hair.”

Nonscientists often use the word “theory” when they should say “hypothesis.” Without getting too technical, a theory is a scientific explanation of reality that is so well tested that it is as good as a fact.

The correct term for an unproven and untested explanation is “hypothesis.” For example, I think it is possible that humans are the result of aliens seeding Earth with life that evolved over millions of years. I have no evidence for that idea, so it’s merely a hypothesis. In
conversations with friends I might call it a theory. If I blog about it, I’ll play it safe and try to remember to call it a hypothesis. I’ve probably had more complaints about my inappropriate use of the word “theory” than any other thing I’ve done to anger the public, and that’s a long list.

I’ve made most of the grammar mistakes I mentioned, and I often hear them from others. Bad grammar isn’t the worst flaw you could have, but when you consider how easily you can fix it, the effort-to-reward ratio is excellent. It’s well worth your effort to learn how to avoid the most common grammatical errors.

No matter your calling in life, you’ll spend a great deal of time trying to persuade people to do one thing or another. You might be a salesperson trying to close deals, a minister trying to save souls, or anyone with a boss, a family, or friends. Nearly every interaction with others involves some form of persuasion, even if it’s subtle. Wouldn’t it make sense to learn how to persuade more effectively?