How to Get Ahead in Television (26 page)

STEP 43 – YOU WILL OFTEN HAVE TO REFER BACK TO STEP 1 – WRITE TO EVERYONE… AGAIN

TO
: (
every TV company in the world
)

FROM
: <
[email protected]
>

SUBJECT
: Junior Researcher CV

Hi there,

I've recently completed a three-month runner placement at RealiTV, where I gained experience on a broad range of productions, including:
Survival of the Wittiest, Changing Grooms, Last Clan Standing
and
Les and Kel
. I am now looking to branch out and work for a different production company. I have always wanted to work for (
insert name of company here
), as I'm a huge admirer of the high-quality programming you produce. I especially like (
insert name of a programme they make, with witty and insightful remark about why it is brilliant
). I would love to be considered for any runner or junior researcher positions you have available. I attach my CV for your consideration.

Kind regards

Poppy Penfold

I
STAYED UP
late that night, frantically emailing my CV out to other production companies. The next morning, on the way to work, my sister called.

‘So I have a confession to make,' said Clemmie.

‘This sounds ominous,' I replied.

‘Well, I felt bad after dinner the other day, with everyone bugging you about your job and then me looking like the golden girl for getting work experience in banking.'

‘Hmmm.' I wasn't going to disagree. She should feel bad.

‘Well, the truth is, I don't want to work in banking. I'm only doing it because I've started seeing Ian and I want an excuse to be in London over the holidays so that I can see him.'

‘What! When did this happen?' I asked.

‘Well, Mum pushed me into going to meet him to get some career advice.'

‘She is a bloody pimp, that woman,' I said.

‘Well, anyway, we went for dinner and hit it off and, well, I guess I really like him.'

‘Why didn't you tell me this the other night?'

‘I guess I wasn't sure how you'd react, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings.'

‘What do you mean, hurt my feelings?'

‘Well, because you liked him.'

‘What?'

‘You had a crush on him.'

‘What planet are you living on, Clemmie? What do you mean I had a crush on him?'

‘That's what Mum said. She told me that you had this massive crush on him when you were kids and that you had designs on him now you were up in London.'

I started to laugh. ‘I literally don't know where she gets these ideas from, Clem. I barely remember being friends with Ian when we were little, let alone having a crush on him, and you can rest assured I definitely don't have designs on him now.'

‘So you don't mind?'

‘No. I don't mind.' I paused. ‘Funny, I wouldn't have pegged him as your type.'

‘Smart, funny, cute – what's not my type? He said he had a nice time with you the other day, by the way. He told me you ran into some guy from work you were trying to impress. Is that the guy you were telling me about?'

‘No, er, that's a different guy.'

‘I can't keep up with your love life! Poppy the player, hey?'

‘No, look, I was not trying to impress him, I… Hang on, let me get this straight: you are doing work experience in a bank just so you can spend time with your new boyfriend?'

‘Yes.'

‘And you're getting mega brownie points from Mum and Dad because they think you actually want to work in banking?'

‘Yes.'

‘Very clever, little sister, very clever.'

‘So we should all go for drinks when I'm up in London.'

‘Sounds good.'

‘Oh, did you find out about the placement?'

‘I didn't get it,' I said.

‘Oh, I'm sorry, Pop.'

‘It's okay, I'm working something out. Gotta go, sis.'

I said goodbye just as I walked into the RealiTV reception.

‘Commiserations, Poppy.' Mel grinned at me.

‘What?'

‘I heard Rhidian won the placement. Bad luck, you.' Mel made a mock sad face.

‘Well, you win some, you lose some.' I shrugged.

‘Yeah, but in your case it's more often losing some, isn't it?'

‘Listen, Mel, why do you always have to be such a bloody bitch? I know it was you who wrote that nasty comment on the chart in the post room.'

I was usually quite good at not rising to Mel's bait, but today I couldn't bite my tongue.

‘Well, maybe if you actually worked for a job, rather than just shagging around, making everyone fall in love with you,' Mel spat.

‘I haven't been shagging anyone and nobody is in love with me,' I sighed.

‘I mean, you have seriously bad taste, Poppy. Why you would have wrinkly old Ravenstone when you could have had Rhidian, I don't know.'

‘What do you mean, “have Rhidian”?' I asked.

‘Oh, don't play the “oh, I'm so unaware how in love with me he is” card. It's so boring. I guess Rhidian's just a runner so he's not going to do your career as much good as old man Ravenstone.'

Was this true? Did Mel think Rhidian was in love with me?
Was
Rhidian in love with me? I felt butterflies in my stomach at the slightest prospect it was true. He had been so nice to me recently… Until I'd messed it all up with JR and his idea. I took a deep breath. This was probably just Mel messing with my head again.

In the post room, David and Helen were having coffee.

‘Mel's in a toxic mood,' I said.

‘She were fine wi' me. She's always i' toxic mood wi' you, Poppy.' Helen smiled.

‘I don't know why,' I said.

‘Well, it's pretty obvious why,' David said, but Helen kicked him in the shin. ‘Ow!'

‘So we 'eard about the placement, Poppy,' said Helen, changing the subject. ‘I'm sorry you didn't get it.'

‘Is Rhidian in?' I asked her.

‘Yes, Dominic just told 'm. 'E said you already knew.'

‘So is he around? I really need to talk to him.'

‘I don't think he wanna talk to you, girrrl,' said David in a mock American accent.

‘He told you about the
Tipsy and Tim
thing?'

Helen and David nodded.

‘It just sounds so much worse than it was! I didn't tell JR
about his idea, exactly, he just said he was working on an animation project, and I said he should talk to Rhidian and, well, he should be cross with JR, not me! I mean, maybe a little bit with me, but mainly JR!'

I sat down with a
humph
.

‘Don't worry, he is,' said David. ‘Of course, Rhidian pretty much hated JR before, but now he properly wants-to-cave-his-head-in-with-a-bat despises him,' said David, picking up a bat with a ball attached to it, and batting it up and down on the string.

‘That's dead annoyin', David,' groaned Helen.

‘Why did he hate him before?' I ask.

‘Duh, because he was such a prick to you,' said David.

‘What?'

‘David!' Helen made a stern face at David.

‘What? How is that a secret? Everyone knows he was a prick to Poppy.'

‘What? Who knows what?'

Helen was making that face at David again.

‘Helen, what's going on? Why do I feel like there's something you're not saying?'

‘Nothin', nothin's goin' on. Look, all anyone knows is that JR tried it on wi' you when 'e had a girlfriend, 'n' Rhidian is quite a decent bloke 'n' 'e thought it were a bit of a prickish thin' to do, end of. It's not a big deal.'

‘Except that Rhidian now hates me.'

‘Ha, he hardly
hates
you.' David sniggered. ‘Ow! Stop kicking me in the shin, Helen.'

Just then, Rhidian appeared at the door. He looked tired.

‘Hi,' he said.

‘Hello,' I responded. My god he was gorgeous. How had I been around him all this time and barely noticed? ‘Um, congratulations on the placement. Dominic told me yesterday.'

‘Thanks. I'm sorry you didn't get it,' Rhidian said quietly. He wouldn't even look at me.

‘Can I take you out for lunch to celebrate?' I asked hopefully.

‘I think I'm okay, thanks,' Rhidian said, flicking through the new pile of post.

‘Awkward,' said David, who had a really annoying habit of saying ‘awkward' when things were awkward, which only served to make them
more
awkward.

‘So 'ow were your family dinner the other night, Poppy?' Helen asked.

Thank god for Helen and her ability to change the subject at just the right moment.

‘Oh, great thanks,' I said with forced gaiety. ‘Though my bloody sister is in my parents' good books for getting work experience in a bank over the holidays, and it turns out she's only doing it to see Ian, who she's started dating. She is so bloody conniving.'

‘Your Ian?' Rhidian asked.

‘Yes, well, not mine exactly, but…'

Why did I have to bring up Ian again?

‘That's a bit wrong, isn't it?' David grimaced. ‘Dating two sisters.'

‘Er, well, we were never actually…'

‘Eugh, that is gross,' said Helen.

‘No, look, I was never dating Ian, we went on one date.'

‘But he obviously fancied you, and now he's seeing your sister. Don't you think that's just a bit wrong?' continued David.

‘Look, no, he never fancied me.'

‘Why would he go on a date with you then?' David asked.

‘Yes, I mean it was hardly a blind date, you said you guys knew each other from home?' added Rhidian.

How had I dug myself into such a large Ian-shaped-hole?

‘Look, it was never a date, okay! I made it up. I was just having a drink with a friend, and you were all teasing me about never going on dates, so I said it was a date, and it wasn't. Happy now?'

There was a momentary silence as everyone digested this information.

‘But he sent you flowers?' said Rhidian.

‘Er, yes, he did send me flowers, but not in a romantic way – it was a silly joke. Anyway, I need to…' I could feel myself going bright red. ‘Rhidian, please could I have a word with you in private?'

‘I don't think I've got anything to say, Poppy.'

‘Please can we just talk about it?'

‘We'll go,' Helen said, jumping up and pushing David out of the room.

Rhidian and I stood in silence for a minute.

‘So, I wanted to explain…' I started.

‘You don't need to explain, Poppy, I get it,' Rhidian said, turning around to face me with a wearied expression on his face.

‘But I only told him he should talk to you about your idea, I swear. I had no idea he would steal your title like that.'

‘I know, you said in your message.'

I was confused. ‘But you're still cross with me?'

‘I'm not cross with you,' Rhidian sighed. ‘It's a title, I'll get over it. He's a prick. I get it.'

‘Why won't you have lunch with me, then?'

‘What, is this one of the few days where you've got a gap in your Jame-Ravenstone-lunch-calendar?'

‘What?'

‘Forget it, Poppy, it's none of my business. He's a prick, you like him, I don't. We don't need to talk about it.'

‘But I don't like him, nothing's happening between us any more.'

Was that why Rhidian was upset, because he hated JR for stealing his idea and thought I was still seeing the guy?

Rhidian's expression flickered, but it only lasted a second.

‘Went back to his girlfriend, did he?'

‘No, I don't know. I…'

I couldn't explain that I didn't care about JR, that the
only man I cared about was the one standing right in front of me.

‘Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted it to, Poppy,' said Rhidian, and then walked out of the room.

STEP 44 – STAY POSITIVE – YOUR NEXT OPPORTUNITY COULD BE JUST AROUND THE CORNER

I
WAS IN
a foul mood for the rest of the day. All I'd been hoping for was the chance to see Rhidian, to explain, and to make things okay between us. Ever since that morning in the stationery cupboard, I'd felt an attraction between us. If I was honest with myself, I'd probably felt it from the start, from the very moment I set eyes on him, when he laughed at me for spilling coffee over myself. But he'd been so competitive with me, and then I thought he was dating Mel, so hadn't let myself entertain the idea of liking him. Plus, of course, I'd been distracted by my temporary insanity over JR…

Of course, now I'd admitted to myself that I liked Rhidian, I could think of nothing else. The fact that he didn't want to see me made me feel sick to the stomach. The way he'd looked at me in the post room, as though he found it painful to even talk to me, was unbearable.

As I plodded home that evening, I got a phone call.

‘Hi, is that Poppy?'

‘Yes, that's me.'

‘Hi, it's Patricia Armitage here, from Armitage and Shanx Media.'

‘Oh, hi!'

‘We got your CV and I wanted to talk to you about a production we're crewing up for.'

‘Oh, amazing!'

‘So yes, we've just got a commission for an exciting new show. It's called
Badger, Badger, Mole
and it's an immersive reality experience.'

‘Right…' I said. I had no idea what an ‘immersive reality experience' was.

‘It's pretty high-concept,' Patricia went on. ‘Basically, we're building an enormous underground badger set, large enough for human habitation. We'll then be dressing ten contestants as badgers and sending them to live underground for six weeks.'

‘Right…'

‘But here's the catch: one of them isn't a badger at all, one of them is a mole, trying to sabotage the set dynamic. Each week, the group will have to vote off who they think the mole is.'

‘Sounds brilliant,' I said.

‘So it's kind of
Big Brother
meets
The Weakest Link
meets
Spring Watch
, but it's also incredibly topical, you know, incorporating a political statement about the badger cull.'

‘I see. Yeah, I get that.'

‘Because if people can be badgers, then badgers can be people, right?' Patricia sounded earnest.

‘Absolutely,' I said. ‘I have often thought that.'

‘So the beeb are super excited about it. We're looking for someone who can help out with the badger casting. You really need to have an eye for people who are going to work on screen.'

‘People who are either really likeable or really irritating,' I said.

‘Absolutely, Poppy, you've got it in one. Then, post-casting, we'd need you on the “Big Badger” team, thinking up tasks.'

‘Patricia, this sounds so up my street. I mean, I love badgers, I really do.'

‘Excellent.'

Everything was falling into place. I wouldn't have to take the JR job, I could go and work on a fun new show for a brand new company and everything would be fine. I started to skip along the street in excitement.

‘So you're happy to relocate to Glasgow, then?' asked Patricia.

‘Huh?'

‘Well, obviously we're based in Glasgow and the show is happening on an industrial estate up here, so you'd need to move. It's a junior researcher role, so hopefully worth the upheaval.'

‘Ah, I see, I'm sorry, Patricia, I hadn't realized you were based in Scotland. It's not necessarily a problem, but I'll just need to think about it if that's okay?'

‘Of course, not a problem. Just let me know by next week. In the meantime, am I okay to call your references?'

‘Sure. Thanks, Patricia. It does sound really exciting.'

I hung up the phone and stopped skipping. So close, and yet so… far. Did I really want to move to Glasgow? I'd only just got to London and started to make friends. I'd barely begun to digest this new conundrum when my phone started to ring again – Mum.

‘Hey, Mum.'

‘Poppy! Why didn't you tell us you got fired?' Mum shrieked down the phone.

‘What? I didn't get fired!'

‘Your sister told us you lost your job?'

‘I didn't lose my job, I just didn't win the placement. It's not the same thing.'

Bloody big-mouth Clemmie.

‘Oh, what a disaster! Poppy, didn't I say this would happen? Didn't I say this was a bad idea?' Mum's voice wavered between a tone of ‘I told you so' and genuine panic. ‘Now, your father has managed to get you an interview at the town planning office in Weymouth. it's a bit of a commute from us, but it's doable.'

‘Mum, I'm not going to work in town planning. Don't worry, I didn't get the placement, but I already have some job offers. I'll be fine.'

‘But, Poppy, you didn't win the placement; don't you think that bodes badly for your ability to make a go of it in TV?'

‘Nothing worth having comes easy, Mum,' I said, Natalie's words coming to mind.

‘Oh, what are we to do with you? If only you could meet a nice husband, someone with a proper career, that might at least give you the freedom to pursue this kind of hobby. You've really had no luck with Ian?'

‘Mum, where did you get this idea that I'm interested in Ian?'

‘Well, he's
perfect
for you, darling. You used to get on so well as children, plus he's such a nice young man, very polite, so well-mannered.'

‘Yes, he's very nice and well-mannered, and I'm sure he'd make a lovely husband for someone, but I'm afraid that's not my priority right now, Mum.'

‘Well, maybe it should be, darling? You know, if Aunt Josephine had only met a man, things might have turned out very differently for her.'

‘Aunt Josephine is very happy. I could do a lot worse than end up like her.'

I knew I was stoking the flames by saying this, but I couldn't help myself. I zoned out while Mum listed the calamitous results of not having a pension and living among ‘druids and weirdos'.

‘Poppy, are you listening to me?'

‘Yes, yes, I'm listening.'

‘So if you will insist on pursuing this, I'm afraid you won't be getting any more handouts from us. Is that clear? Your account at the Bank of Mum and Dad is officially closed.'

‘Fine,' I said. ‘Oh, I might be moving to Glasgow.'

‘Glasgow?'

‘I've been offered a job up there.'

‘Poppy, you can't move to Glasgow! The life expectancy in that city is about fifty-nine – it's absolutely appalling. Do you want to die young?'

‘Mum, I don't think that's true, and I don't think it's going to affect my life expectancy moving to Glasgow. I'm getting on the Tube now, I'm losing reception…' I made a crackling sound and then hung up.