How to Get Ahead in Television (29 page)

‘You're wrong about me having the worst taste in men,' I said, looking up at him, ‘because I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.'

Rhidian was standing right in front of me now, looking
down into my eyes. I felt one of his hands on the small of my back, then he leant in… He was going to kiss me…

I heard a clunk and Rhidian fell backwards.

‘Ow!' he cried, clutching his eye.

‘What happened?' I said, crouching down to see if he was okay.

‘I just impaled my eye on one of your neon helmet appendages!'

‘Oh shit.' I unclipped my helmet and let it drop to the floor, then reached out to touch Rhidian's face to see how badly he was hurt.

He turned around and stood up, his eye watering.

‘There's always something getting between us, huh?' He grimaced, shutting the injured eye, taking me in both arms and kissing me.

And kissing me.

And kissing me.

And I hate to use the word swoon, but there was some definitely some swooning on my part. When he pulled away, I felt light-headed and the butterflies in my stomach were definitely awake and dancing the rumba.

‘I…'

Rhidian gazed down at me, smiling with that incredibly sexy grin.

‘I can't believe I just pulled wearing a unitard,' I giggled.

‘You always have to make a joke, don't you?' Rhidian said with a low growl as he leant in to kiss me again. Then, after running his fingers through my hair, and one hand up my back, he pulled away to ask, ‘What happened to your hair?'

‘I got entangled in JoJo's mane so they had to cut it.'

‘This kind of thing would only happen to you, wouldn't it, Poppy Penfold?'

We stood in silence for a moment, taking in this new situation. I hadn't even let myself imagine that Rhidian might really like me, and now it was happening, I didn't care about anything else. All TV-related concerns felt like trifles compared
to what was happening right now, in this poky little dressing room.

‘I'm sorry I got the placement,' Rhidian said.

‘Oh god, don't be. You deserve it, Rhidian.'

‘But what will you do now?' he asked.

‘I have options,' I said cheerfully. ‘I got offered a job in Glasgow.'

Rhidian looked crestfallen. ‘You're moving to Glasgow?'

‘Um, or not… I also… JR offered me a job on the show he stole from me.'

Rhidian's eyes flashed with anger. ‘You can't work for him.'

‘Well, I know. That's what I was thinking too… but given, you know, this… well, if this is something… I don't know if this is something, or just, you know, a passing something, but anyway, if it is something, maybe I'd rather not move to Glasgow…' I trailed off, embarrassed at having said too much.

Rhidian smiled. ‘I hope it's more than a “passing something”, Poppy. You've been driving me crazy for three months; I'm not having you run off to bloody Scotland now.'

We stood there grinning at each other like idiots.

‘We should… we should probably get back to the show,' I said, remembering what was going on outside.

‘Yes, we should.' Rhidian rubbed my arm affectionately and started for the door, then stopped and turned back to me. ‘So you're definitely not seeing JR any more?'

‘No! I wasn't ever really seeing him,' I said. ‘I mean, I kissed him, but then, well, I think he was always still seeing Kel, and he just wanted sex—'

‘Oh, right.' Rhidian's face flashed with jealousy.

‘Nothing happened, but if we're playing the jealousy game, what about Sonia? What about Mel?'

‘I was never interested in either of them,' said Rhidian.

‘Really?'

‘No. I can only have one person in my head at a time, and it's been you from the beginning.'

‘Really?' I asked, feeling ridiculously pleased.

‘Which wasn't great, when the girl in question was interested in everyone else under the sun except me.'

‘Hey, that's not true.'

‘Ian, JR…' Rhidian started counting off names on his fingers. ‘Probably Les Stourton, David, Dominic, JoJo the horse…'

‘Hey,' I said, punching him gently on the arm and leaning in for another kiss.

We eventually headed out to face the music. The studio appeared calmer than it had been fifteen minutes ago.

‘I'd better go back to the main arena,' said Rhidian, squeezing my arm and giving me a wink. ‘See you later, okay?'

‘Sure,' I said.

Rhidian strode off and I went in search of my normal clothes.

Back in the Costume Department, everyone was talking about JoJo bolting.

‘Apparently some runner thought the horse was going to rape her,' said a stage manager.

‘Oh, I heard JoJo was properly trying to mount her,' said someone else.

I wanted to correct them, but I didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I was the runner in question. I quietly got changed and slipped out of the dressing room.

Nev Chase was watching BBC news, which was showing live footage of Wembley High Road. I looked up at the TV.

‘The horse broke loose from Wembley Studios after being startled by a rape alarm,' the newsreader was saying. ‘Nobody yet knows what caused the rape alarm to be triggered, but we have a horse behaviourist on the line, who's going to shed some light onto JoJo's motivation.'

‘You seen this?' said Nev.

‘I didn't know it was on the news,' I said.

Kissing Rhidian, I had felt invincible, as though no level of calamity could affect my blissful mood, but now the calamity was starting to encroach, and I started to feel horribly guilty again.

‘Seems I mighta been lucky not to land the psycho horse, hey,' said Chase, flicking the channel to ITV news.

Horseageddon!
flashed up on the screen, next to footage of JoJo being cornered by handlers outside Argos.

‘JoJo's got to go go!' said the presenter gleefully, ‘or that's what it looks like, as the new series of
Strictly Come Prancing
gets off to a flying start. But is this just a bit of horsing around, or are these highly trained animals a threat to the public, and the contestants who ride them?'

‘Um, are you all right, can I get you something?' I asked Nev.

‘I wanna know if tonight's show is going ahead, because if it ain't, I'd rather know sooner than later,' he said. I told him I'd go and find out.

Back in the arena, I tried to keep a low profile and stay out of Shannon Long's way. Take That were rehearsing on the main stage. They were doing a bespoke version of ‘Pray' where they'd changed the lyrics to ‘Neigh'. Human dancers were practising a choreographed routine for the opening spectacle.

‘I love Take That,' said Jude, coming to stand next to me.

‘Oh hi, Jude,' I said. ‘Do you know what happened to JoJo? Has she been caught?'

‘Yeah, they took her down with an animal tranquilizer. The animal handler says she can't do the launch show but she should be fine by tomorrow. They're always spooking like that.'

‘Really?' I asked, relieved something like this might be a common occurrence.

‘Yeah, these horses are like A-list stars: highly strung. They've never actually got out of the building before, though.'

‘Oh.'

‘Is this really cool or really lame?' asked Leon, coming to join us.

‘What?' asked Jude.

‘This “Neigh” version of “Pray” they're doing. I kind of like it, but I'm not sure I should.'

‘I think it's cool,' said Jude, tapping her foot to the beat.

‘Oh, Poppy, you've got to go fill in an accident report about what happened,' Leon told me.

‘Oh really?'

‘Was that you who set off the rape alarm?' asked Jude.

‘I didn't set it off, well, not on purpose. I… It's a long story.'

STEP 47 – DON'T BE AFRAID TO ACCEPT HELP

FROM
: RHIDIAN

TO
: POPPY

Poppy, sorry, I was asked to take Princess Yoho back to her hotel and help with her things. Speak tomorrow. X PS Please don't go to Glasgow…

T
HE LAUNCH SHOW
went without any further hitches, and I managed not to perpetrate any more catastrophes. At the end of the show I looked for Rhidian, hoping we might go out for a late-night drink, but I couldn't find him anywhere. I got the text explaining he'd been asked to escort Princess Yoho back to her hotel and felt a surge of jealousy. Maybe Princess Yoho did have her sights on him?

I took the train home and got back just after eleven. I felt totally exhausted, my brain bursting with so many emotions. I was overwhelmed by everything that had happened with Rhidian. Was it real, or had I just imagined kissing him and him saying all those lovely things?

My excitement about Rhidian didn't change the fact that I didn't have a solution to my employment conundrum. I'd basically told JR to stuff it, and I needed to let the Glasgow job know tomorrow. I didn't want to leave London now, but if I didn't take the Glasgow job I'd be destitute, and out of TV.
It crossed my mind that I'd rather stay in London and work as a barmaid if it meant I could be with Rhidian, but then my inner feminist chastised my outer self for being so ready to put a man before my career.

At home, Natalie was still up, laughing with someone in the living room. I walked through to say hello, and found Natalie and Aunt Josephine sitting cross-legged on cushions on the floor.

‘Oh, Poppy! You're back!' Natalie jumped up excitedly.

‘Aunt Josephine, what are you doing here?' I asked, going over to my aunt, who was dressed in a strange tie-dye jumpsuit and sackcloth shawl.

‘Your aunty has been teaching me how to chant! Listen: “Om… mani… paddy… om”.' Nat demonstrated her chanting in a serious, low tone. She sounded like a hippo.

‘Almost,' Aunt Jospehine corrected her. ‘Om… mani… padme… hum.'

‘I don't understand,' I said, still perplexed as to why Aunt Josephine was sitting in Nat's living room.

‘Poppy, I've been speaking to your mother,' Aunt Josephine began, ‘and she tells me she's trying to starve you out, like the siege of Troy. She's trying to force you out of an artistic career by cutting off your financial support.'

‘And your aunt is having none of it,' Natalie cut in.

‘You, Poppy, are a girl after my own heart, and I won't see you bullied by Barbara. Our parents never cut us off when we were your age. Do you know how long it takes an artist to earn any money? Why, I wasn't self-sufficient for at least five years.'

‘I've been hearing all about the ham,' said Natalie. ‘It sounds delicious.'

‘It's kind of you to be concerned, Aunt Josephine, really it is, but I do understand my parents' position. I mean, I can't expect them to support me forever.'

‘I know she only wants the best for you, Poppy, but sometimes my sister can be a touch… Well, she's not an artist like you or me, is she, Poppy?'

Whenever Aunt Josephine referred to me as an ‘artist like her', I felt rather fraudulent. Nothing I had done in the last three months could possibly be considered art.

‘Well, it's very kind of you to back me up with Mum,' I said, still not clear as to why Aunt Josephine felt the need to come to London at eleven o'clock at night to tell me this. (Except for the fact that she didn't have a phone, so any form of communication had to be done via post or in person.)

‘I'm not here to back you up, Poppy, I'm here to offer funding for your artistic endeavours. I'll sponsor you, if you like, so you can follow your dream and do what you want to do.'

‘Aunt Jo to the rescue!' Natalie cried.

‘Well, that's really kind, Aunt Josephine, but you… I thought you didn't have any money?'

Aunt Josephine laughed. ‘Me? Ha! That's what your mother likes to think. Just because I don't feel the need to spend it and I live in a barter economy, doesn't mean I don't
have
it.' She chuckled again. ‘Most of my ham money is still sitting in a bank account somewhere. I don't keep track, but I think it was over three hundred thousand pounds last time I received a letter about it.'

‘Woah!' I said, sitting down on one of the cushions on the floor.

‘I like your haircut,' said my aunt, noticing the tuft. ‘Anyway, I don't necessarily believe in money, or what it represents. I'll leave it all to the Bee Preservation Society when I'm gone, but until then, if I can help my favourite niece get on her feet, then there we go, the ham fund can handle a withdrawal.'

‘Aunt Jo, I really couldn't,' I protested.

‘Now I mustn't stay any longer, I've already imposed on your darling friend for long enough.' Aunt Josephine got out a cheque book and started writing. ‘If you don't end up needing it, Poppy, then, well, there's more for the bees, but if you're stuck, well, what are eccentric old aunts for, hey? Now, Natalie, I'll say goodbye. It's been a delight to meet you. Do
feel free to visit me at the commune if you want any more meditation tips.'

Before I could think of what else to say, Aunt Josephine stood up in a blaze of tie-dye, kissed me on the cheek, thrust a cheque into my hand and floated out of the door. I looked down at the piece of paper, dumbstruck. She had written me a cheque for ten thousand pounds.

‘Your aunt is really something,' said Nat. ‘What an awesome woman. Maybe I'll go and live on a commune and call myself Harmony or Shawallawalla and spend all day communing with geese and leaves. That could be my “thing”.'

‘You don't need a “thing”, Nat. Well, anyway, thank you for entertaining her.'

I said good night to Nat and went to bed. I should have been overjoyed that my aunt had come to the rescue with a big, fat cheque, but for some reason I wasn't. I felt an unnerving lump in the pit of my stomach, like I'd swallowed concrete. Natalie's words from the other day rang in my ears as I lay in bed: ‘Nothing worth having comes easy'. I stared up at the ceiling, cursing my aunt for presenting me with such temptation, and then chastising myself for cursing such a well-intended act of generosity. My mind then went back to Rhidian and I had images of him being seduced into bed by Princess Yoho.

FROM
: POPPY

TO
: RHIDIAN

U R not being seduced into bed by Princess Face R U??
Xxxxx

FROM
: RHIDIAN

TO
: POPPY

She isn't clumsy enough for my tastes.

No kiss? Oh god, why was there no kiss on his text message? Maybe he'd gone off the whole idea? Maybe he
was
in bed with Princess Yoho? What was I fretting about? It was a stupid text message – it didn't mean anything. This was Rhidian – gorgeous, kind, wonderful Rhidian. I put Aunt Josephine's cheque to the back of my mind and fell asleep trying to remember every moment of those mind-blowing dressing room kisses.