How To Get Your Heart Broken (15 page)

“They’re not, I think
they’re supposed to go on a cruise, but they said they have a surprise for me.

Maybe it’s an extra
ticket! ” She said excitedly, and then rethinking, “But I hope not, I don’t
want to leave Julian…”

I was genuinely
offended, “Ahem!” I said as loudly as I could.

“And you too,” she
said distractedly, “But you don’t need me. I mean, not that he does either, but
you’ve got Rachel, and Jessie…” she lingered on the last part, simultaneously
sending me a wink
 
and making an
impromptu heart with her index fingers and thumbs.

“Very subtle,” I
nodded.
       

“Oh come on! Just
admit that you like him, and you can call this whole thing off before it’s too
late. And maybe we can all laugh about it.”

I raised an eyebrow.
There was a fine line between naïve and stupid, Ash had just crossed it.

“It’s possible,” she
shrugged. “Either way, we all know how destructive secrets can be.”

I glared at her with
narrowed eyes.

 
“He keeps
secrets too.” I said, thinking of all the questions he evaded, or the night he
had seemed so sad and distracted but never mentioned what was bothering him. I
suddenly remembered the last instance of his mysterious behavior. Though I’d
sworn I didn’t want to know the answer, I found myself blurting out the question.
 

“At the hospital, when he thought I was
suicidal or whatever, he was going to say something about his mother. Do you
think that she…” I didn’t finish the sentence.

“No,” Ash replied with a confused look,
“Their mom died of cancer.”

I froze. “I…I didn’t even know she was
dead,” I finally croaked out.

“Julian told me,” she said, quickly adding,
“It slipped out. You shouldn’t feel bad that Jessie didn’t tell you.”

I nodded distractedly. Her words made no
difference, I did feel bad.

Ef-fort

“A fort?”
I asked in a strange voice, turning to look at Jessie with a
mixture of surprise, suspicion, and excitement.

This was definitely not what I’d been
expecting.

Earlier Today…

“Come
over tonight?” He asked.

Half
of my face was still buried under my covers. It felt strangely intimate to have
him sitting here, on the edge of my bed, after I’d just woken up from my nap.
But then again, I wasn’t the one that let him in. That was all Rachel. Again.
The two of them certainly
seemed
like
a team…

“I’m
not really in the mood…” I murmured, self-consciously wondering if there was
any sleep in my eyes.

“Please?
I know something that might cheer you up.”

I
raised a quizzical eyebrow. I was certain we had different ideas on what could
cheer me up.

He
rolled his eyes, but a telling smirk emerged, “Get your mind out of the gutter,
that’s not what I meant.”

“That’s
not what I was thinking,” I said quickly, crossing my arms defensively.
 

“Right,”
he said sarcastically. He was learning. I was almost proud, but I didn’t let
on. I gave him my best scowl.

It
felt nice to joke with him. After the hospital, I’d been worried that things
would be weird. But it turned out we both had a talent for pretending. We acted
like the uncomfortable conversations we’d had never occurred. Maybe it was
unhealthy, but so far it was still working for us.

“Come
over at 7. I’ll leave the door open,” he said cheerfully.
 

“I’ll
think about it,” I replied, but he was already walking out.

Present…

“This is how Jules and I used to cheer each
other up,” he said. I could hear a hint of sadness in his voice.

“You call him Jules?” I asked in amusement.

“Not to his face,” he grinned.

I turned back to the small fort in his
living room, considering the mess of sheets and chairs holding it up. I could
see blankets and pillows peeking out from the inside.

“Impressive ef-fort,” I said cheesily. I
resisted the urge to laugh at my own pun.

“Wow, that was corny,” he said mockingly.

I elbowed his stomach with my good arm and
inched towards the fort.

“Ouch!” He said in surprise.

I was surprised he could feel it too; I’d
felt like I was elbowing a marble statue.

“There’s no light in there,” I said,
peeking inside.

“Well I was going to bring out some
candles, but I didn’t want you to think I was trying to seduce you,” he said.
Even though he was behind me, I could almost see the smirk on his face.

I was actually surprised at how
little
he’d tried to seduce me. It
probably wouldn’t have gotten him anywhere, but I was even a little offended
from the lack of ef-fort. Ha.

Then again, that probably all had something
to do with me telling him I wasn’t interested. To say that our relationship was
complicated was a gross understatement. Sometimes I told him the truth, other
times I lied. Sometimes he acted like a friend, other times he acted like more.
I’d confessed to him that I was over Ryan, though I wasn’t sure why. And we
both flirted, but we hadn’t kissed since that first time. This helped me
pretend the bet never existed, that we were just normal friends. I wasn’t
stupid enough to think we could keep this up forever, but it was working for
now.I shook my thoughts away and brought up something that had been nagging me.
“What did you and Jules need cheering up from?”
 
I asked, rethinking his earlier statement. I sat on the edge of the
fort, turning to face him so I could see his expression.

I wanted to know more, about his mother. I
wanted to know if he trusted me enough to tell me. And to be honest, I was a
little jealous that Julian had told Ash before he had told me.

He shrugged, “You know, stuff happens.”

I narrowed my eyes; he could be almost as
evasive as me.

--

“Hey!” He said, trying to take back the
half-empty bottle of whiskey I’d grabbed from his pantry.

“Relax!” I said, already knowing what he
was going to say, “I’m off the meds.”

I sighed when he raised an eyebrow. I was
only halfway through the prescription, but I’d decided those pills had caused
enough trouble already.

“History of addiction in my family,” I
shrugged.

I took a quick swig before he could stop
me.

“Well maybe you shouldn’t be drinking
then,” he said obnoxiously, taking the bottle back.

“That’s nice,” I retorted. “Save it for
when I ask your opinion.”

I tried to get the bottle back, but he did
that thing again where he held it over my head so that I couldn’t reach it.

“I hate you,” I said with narrowed eyes. I
didn’t usually believe in drinking to escape fear, but something was different
tonight, and these days, being alone with Jessie scared the hell out of me.

He rolled his eyes and reached into a
nearby cabinet to take out two shot glasses. He opened the bottle and filled
both them, even as he said, “Anyway, its generally not a good idea. Drinking,
alone, with a strange boy… ”

I was sure he was alluding to Jared, and I
decided it was best to pretend I hadn’t noticed.

“You’re right, you are strange,” I replied,
taking the shot. He followed suit. I made my way out of the kitchen and back to
the fort. “But despite the immature comments, and the endless sexual innuendos,
you’re harmless,” I tried to say in the most condescending way possible.

“Was that supposed to be a compliment?” He
asked. I could hear the confusion in his voice.

“What gave you that idea?” I asked, turning
back to him in astonishment.

“You can’t even give a compliment the right
way,” he said, shaking his head as if he’d just discovered my tragic flaw.

“Who said I was trying to give you a
compliment?” I asked exasperatedly.

“It’s just in your tone, Eli,” he said in
an annoying tone.

I rolled my eyes. Why did we always get
into these absurd conversations?

“I know how to give a compliment. I just
wasn’t giving you one.”

“Prove it,” he said immaturely.

“Nice try,” I murmured, “I’m not going to
feed your already gigantic ego.”

“Eli,” he began. He was using his serious
voice.

I lay back on the bed of pillows, staring
at the ceiling of the fort so I wouldn’t have to look at him.

“I admire your loyalty to your friends,
your strength, your independence, and even your dry sense of humor,” he said
sincerely. I knew that he always meant what he said, and that made his words
mean more than any compliment I had ever gotten.
 

“Now you try,” he said, not giving me a chance
to respond.

He leaned in to whisper, “I promise not to
tell anyone you said something nice.”

“C’mon, humor me,” he encouraged as I
hesitated.

“Ok! You’re pretty.” I exclaimed.

“Don’t you mean handsome?”

“Nope,” I said, drawing out the word. I bit
the inside of my cheeks to keep from laughing. I loved getting under his skin.

He let out a groan, turning away from me to
stare at the ceiling too. I could sense his frustration, and I almost felt bad
for ruining his fun.

“Let’s make a deal,” I said. I didn’t wait
for him to respond.

“I give you a compliment, you tell me a
secret.”

I could see the corner of his mouth turn
up. He never stayed mad at me for long.

“Deal,” he agreed.

I cleared my throat. “You’re one of those
people who’s never going to grow up-”

“You’re saying I’m immature? Do you want me
to define compliment for you Elle?”

I groaned, “God you’re annoying! Would do
just let me finish?”

He held his hands up in surrender.

I continued. “A lot of people seem to lose
the best parts of themselves as they get older.”

I stared at the Christmas lights Jessie had
strewn across the top of the fort. It was easier to admit the truth if I could
pretend I was just talking to myself.

“They trust people less, they laugh less,
they’re not as optimistic. Instead of being curious about the world, they
become afraid of it. They wake up every day and think about what they
haven’t
accomplished and the things they
don’t
have instead of thinking about
how amazing it is that they’re alive. They chalk miracles up to luck, or
science. They stop smiling at strangers…I could never see you becoming like
that. So in a way, I don’t think you’ll ever grow up. And I hope you never do.
”

I let out a small gasp. Somewhere in the
midst of my rambling, I had turned to face him. He was so close that I could
feel his exhales on my cheek.

“I don’t know what to say,” he whispered. I
saw those bright specks in his eyes that I’d been thinking of when I spoke. The
ones that held the innocence that you would expect to have died anyway in a
teenage boy but that made Jessie,
Jessi
e.

“The typical response to a complement is
actually quite simple; only two syllables. Thank you.”

I tried to dispel the intensity that lurked
between us. But my voice was hushed. I felt as if I was going to break
something precious if I spoke any louder or dared to blink.

A hint of a smile came over his lips, but
for once I couldn’t read his eyes.

“Thank you,” he murmured.

He moved towards me and I waited for his
lips to meet mine, but I felt them on my cheek instead.

“Thank you,” he whispered again.

I held my breath. This was unfamiliar
territory. This was what I’d been afraid of today. But I wasn’t going to stop
him. I closed my eyes. It was easier for me to push away my rambling thoughts
when I concentrated on his lips. I felt them at the base of my jaw next. They
were gentle, but I swear they left a mark.

“Thank you,” he whispered again.

He kissed my neck, “Thank you.”

Without thinking about it I turned to lie
on my back and tilted my head back, inviting him to continue. It felt as if my
body had a mind of its own.

He kissed my neck one more time and
lingered. I could feel the impression of a smile on my throat. He lifted his
head and pressed his lips to mine so quickly that the thoughts didn’t have a
chance to interrupt.

Though his body floated above mine, I felt
the weight of the world on his lips. He was gentle at first. Or at least he
tried to be. But I wasn’t doing a good job of restraining myself either.
I could feel a throbbing on my left
side, right above my still-healing rib, but it seemed to go with the feeling in
the rest of my body so I ignored it.

I realized, as my fingers touched bare
skin, that his shirt had come off. I was pretty certain I was the one that had
done that, but I only seemed capable of registering sensations, not actual
occurrences.

Normally, being with Jessie was like
running a mental marathon. One minute I would eagerly accept an invitation to
spend time with him, another I would hate myself for it. I would be thinking
about kissing him and wishing he would leave me alone in the same breath. I’m
sure I confused him, but I confused myself even more.
 
Somehow, none of this seemed to be a problem
when he was kissing me. So, I didn’t want him to stop.

I didn’t let him pull away until both of us
were gasping for breath. Instead of taking a break, his lips turned back to my
neck, his kisses leading a fiery trail towards my shoulder as his cold hands
slid under my shirt, sending involuntary shivers down my spine as they traveled
up my back. His lips were back on mine before I’d remembered how to breathe
again, their urgency multiplying as he kissed me. I’d lost any ability to think
until his hands were on my bra, the elastic of it snapping back against my skin
like a slingshot before I felt it loosen.

“I knew this was what you meant about
cheering me up,” I said into his mouth.

I could feel my consciousness coming back.

His laugh ran through me, “I had innocent
intentions, I promise.”

I moved my face away, just an inch, and
sighed. Not a contented sigh but a ‘
we
both know this is probably a bad idea’
sigh.

He seemed to get the message. He even
re-hooked my bra for me. And then slowly, reluctantly, his arms slid out from
under my shirt. He paused halfway. For a moment I couldn’t figure out what he
was looking at, and then I remembered.