How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (16 page)

Whatever is true, it is now a widespread problem, with systems popping up in pubs, clubs, rentals and even specially dedicated bars all over the world. In Japan it is a national obsession; see Bill Murray struggling with his karaoke moment in
Lost in Translation
, or Harry Burns trying it out in a store in
When Harry Met Sally
.

If you love it, don’t hog the microphone, go up for lots of songs, go in groups, as well as solo. If you are nervous and not sure how you ended up there, go in pairs, or join groups, and build up your confidence. Practise in the shower, or in the privacy of your own home.

Have a decent repertoire at the ready

Veto boring songs. FACT: no one can make Jimmy Nail’s ‘Crocodile Shoes’ entertaining to listen to.

Always aim for SLOW songs – it is easier to look good while performing these, and remember that you have to perform. No point being bashful; it makes it even more painful to view.

Here are some examples of songs you can karaoke with class to:

Kylie Minogue, The Bangles, All Saints, Destiny’s Child and other chart ‘girl’ groups are also worth investigating and don’t forget their older equivalents such as the Nolans.

Be careful not to choose anything too saccharine as the other punters will be leaving in droves.

Despite everyone knowing all the words to these they are actually very hard. Only to be attempted when entire room is paralytic. The ABBA girls had trained, almost operatic, voices. You may not.

Aretha:
Sorry forget it! You will have no R-E-S-P-E-C-T if you attempt this.

Marvin Gaye:
‘Through the Grapevine’, a deceptive killer.

Diana Ross:
NO to the screeching ones.

Likewise NO Mariah Carey, NO Celine Dion, NO Christina Aguilera.

Britney Spears is surprisingly difficult; see if you can do Madonna instead.

Avoid anything with too many vocal Olympics.

How to win at pub quizzes

You have finally booked in a chance to catch up with your best buddy, you get to the pub and – HORRORS – when you arrive it’s Quiz Night.

This might not be your idea of a fabulous entertainment, but one should always be open to new experiences, and knowing how to participate makes them infinitely more pleasurable.

In case it is not a spontaneous decision, brush up with the following:

Read
Hello!, OK!
and all trashy fodder you can get your hands on for topical tips.

Casually start reading Trivial Pursuit cards. Maybe you’ll be really lucky and have picked the same cards as your compere.

Glance at the newspaper crossword each morning; can you answer ANY of the questions? (Not the cryptic one, of course – no one can do that.)

Be the person to think of a team name, have a few ideas in advance. Boost team morale and credibility, think of colours, mascot etc.

All’s fair in love and war. If your opponent has by some fluke got better shoes, a limited-edition Vuitton bag or something far more suited to you, it is your duty to win.

Flirting outrageously, and asking for clues and special help is to be encouraged. Get the judges on side early, offer to buy them a drink.

If you can, slip your mobile phone on your lap and text a friend when stuck. The more the merrier, and quiz shows allow you to phone a friend, so a text is fine. This isn’t cheating, this is thinking laterally.

Of course your team will be the funniest, and the most visually striking, but as well you need to check you are on a team with
at least one
person who might be able to answer the questions. Remember: there are always cricket questions and a geography section. Grab a nerdy guy; he’ll be so bowled over he’ll be putty in your hands.

‘It’s not about the winning, it’s the taking part.’ Really? Well why take part if you don’t want to win? But it is worth remembering this phrase in case you do come in second. Not last, preferably.

Finally. If you are really losing it could be time to abandon ship. Don’t drown alone. TAXI!!

How to be an Art Lover

‘A woman is fascinated not by art but the noise made by those in the field’
Anton Chekhov

How to enjoy modern art

Ever been to a gallery and, even with your eyes half shut, it still looks like a load of childish scribble? Worse still, you are at some pretentious installation which looks as creative as the Emperor’s new clothes
,
and frankly you haven’t a clue what people are rhapsodising about? You need to understand and appreciate modern art. Or at least know the right noises to make. But remember Andy Warhol’s words: ‘If you look at a thing for long enough it loses all meaning.’ So no need to stand there all day.

Try to view the picture with an open mind. Always go to a gallery free of any preconceived ideas. An art gallery can be more soothing than the most rewarding of yoga sessions as, when it touches your soul, it can lift you out of reality.

And according to David Hockney, ‘Art has to move you and design does not, unless it’s a good design for a bus.’

Modern art itself is not intimidating and scary, it just gets a kick out of being exclusive, and attracts a few condescending morons who put you off the whole thing, just like a members’ only bar. But with a few well-dropped lines you can easily be on the guest list.

Start by learning the history, and getting a feel for things with the classics and the old masters. Once you are satisfied that you are proficient in your da Vincis and Titians you can travel from Manet to Van Gogh via Degas and Monet with a brief pit stop at the Pre-Raphaelites. Then to Picasso, Bauhaus, Rothko and Warhol, careering your way ever closer to the modern day. You will notice that a lot of ideas which seem so modern are actually reworkings of things that have gone before. Turner and Constable were once considered modern, while now they are more likely to be adorning notebooks and umbrellas. Da Vinci was at least 400 years ahead of his time, Picasso caused an uproar equal to the anarchy of the Sex Pistols, and Andy Warhol practically caused the establishment to have a breakdown. So people being outraged by modern art is nothing new. Artists such as Peter Blake, David Hockney, Gilbert and George, Anthony Caro and Anthony Gormley, Frank Auerbach and Lucien Freud are now very much part of the establishment and are part of the Royal Academy crew. Proof indeed that artists these days do not need to die impoverished, unrecognised, or, like Van Gogh, with only one ear.

If at a loss when contemplating art, and asked for an opinion, key areas to talk about include: colour, mood, texture and technique.

Remember how you used to dissect poetry at school? Finding meaning that the writer clearly had never intended? This is what you are doing with art; all you need to do is talk with conviction. To do so it is always useful to have some pretentious-sounding phrases at your disposal. You might choose to admire the ‘juxtaposition’ of the work (how it is hung or set against something) or mention how the ‘Dionysian’ feel (sensual, wild, unrestrained) moves you.

But also remember that one man’s meat is another man’s poison so do not inflict your tastes on someone, nor allow yourself to be subjected to one type of art, when really your passion is for another.

How to know which names to drop

The gallery owners

Collector and owner of the Saatchi Gallery. A keen and passionate promoter of contemporary talent, he was one of the first to buy Damien Hirst. He also is a mega successful advertising guru and is married to celebrity chef Nigella Lawson. He is considered to be the modern day Medici, or John Soane, in terms of his patronage of art.

The current director of the Tate, Serota was appointed to the role in 1988, and under him the gallery has undergone its most dramatic era of expansion and thrown its door open to record numbers of new visitors. Previously director of the Museum of Modern Art in Oxford then the Whitechapel Art Gallery, after moving to the Tate Serota opened Tate St Ives in 1993, followed by Tate Modern in 2000, as well as relaunching Tate Britain.

Director of the White Cube, and married to artist Sam Taylor-Wood. The ruling King and Queen of Cool in the art world.

London private-gallery owner and keen collector. Married to Lady Helen Taylor, the muse of Armani and the daughter of Duke and Duchess of Kent, who is twenty-fifth in line to the British throne.

The trendy collector and owner of self-named Sadie Coles Gallery. Supporter and scout of many of the newest and coolest names in London art.

The influential gallery owner who has represented and nurtured the careers of, amongst others, Chris Ofili and Peter Doig.

The archetypal New York private-gallery owner who was the first to represent Damien Hirst Stateside, and who has recently opened his own gallery in London’s King’s Cross area.

Plus,
Neil McGregor
, the director of the British Museum, a legend in his field.
Iwona Blazwick
, director of the Whitechapel Art Gallery and
Julia Peyton-Jones
, gallery director of the Serpentine Gallery.

The artists

English painter, specialising in portraits, he has painted Kate Moss and Jerry Hall in the nude, amongst others who queue to peel off for him. His children include Bella Freud, fashion designer, and Esther Freud, writer, whose work includes
Hideous Kinky
which became a film starring Kate Winslet.

Often seen front row at Stella McCartney’s fashion shows. He has been a family friend since doing the Beatles’
Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
LP cover for her dad. The British 1960s pop art veteran has gone from LPs to the Royal Academy.

Put a 12-foot stuffed shark in a tank, pickled a calf and cow, and opened a restaurant called Pharmacy. He also directed the video to Blur’s ‘Country House’. Incidentally,
Portraits of Blur
, by Julian Opie, hang in the National Portrait Gallery. As Hirst said on winning the Turner Prize, ‘It’s amazing what you can do with an E at “A” level art, a twisted imagination and a chainsaw.’

Always a good name to drop. Studio 54 was his club, and he was the leader of the hedonistic New York scene. His pop art featuring Monroe, Elvis, Jackie Kennedy and Elizabeth Taylor is always in fashion, and his Campbell soup prints are a stylish addition to a kitchen. He was shot, but not fatally, by Valerie Solanas, a disgruntled member of his Factory studio scene, who was the founder of SCUM (Society for Cutting Up Men). Warhol far outlived his fifteen minutes of fame. He said, ‘If you want to know everything about me, just take a look at the surface of my paintings, it’s all there, there’s nothing more.’

Achingly cool New York artist who you would simply die to have your portrait done by, and has daughters you would love to hang out with. He is friends with the legendary Azzedine Alaïa and has just painted fashion designer Roberto Cavalli, as well as having exhibitions and collaborating in hotel design worldwide.

Rose to fame with her notorious installation of an unmade bed, and is now a model for Vivienne Westwood, and designing luggage for Longchamp. She has helped rejuvenate the UK art scene and brought a certain sexiness to cool Britannia. Her
All the People I Have Ever Slept With
, a tent listing names of those she has been intimate with, was destroyed in a fire along with much of Saatchi’s collection.

Jake and Dinos are also benefactors of Saatchi’s patronage. They are labelled the bad boys of the art world. First gained critical acclaim with their sculpture of tiny figurines, re-enacting scenes from Goya’s
Disasters of War
. They went on to take part in the Sensation exhibition (1997–99) and Apocalypse (2000) and were one of several artists to illustrate Kate Moss for
Vogue
, when one of them was dating her. Jake is now married to another model, Rosemary Ferguson.