How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (20 page)

No frogs, just sausages and batter baked in the oven. Similar feel to above. Fear not, this is so much easier than it sounds. Grease the dish, grill the sausages and while they are cooking make the batter (same as pancake mixture). Then take the semi-cooked sausages, place them in the dish, pour over the batter and cook until the batter browns and goes crispy. Note: browns NOT burns, crispy NOT charcoal.

Eggs and anything in the fridge. This is similar, at the start, to scrambling; you beat the raw eggs in a bowl. For a plain omelette pour the mixture into a frying pan, and treat egg mixture as you would if you were cooking a pancake, which EVERYONE knows how to do. Cook on medium to high as you need enough heat for it to cook, but not too much as you need time to prepare toppings – so stay in control and don’t let the cooker rush you. Either sprinkle toppings on once it is cooked, or you can add after one side is done. For cheese you should cook one side, then fold over and sprinkle grated cheese on the top. Alternatively you have the option of shoving pan and all under a hot grill until it browns. Note: the ultimate omelette is Spanish. Fry diced potato and onion in your pan. Pour the beaten egg over this and let the mixture cook on one side. Turn the omelette onto a dinner plate (do not attempt to toss or flip this heavy thing) and put it back in the pan on the reverse side. This can then be served hot or cold.

Spaghetti and minced meat. Easy and impressive, shows you know your way round the kitchen, but are too busy to fuss. Fry some chopped onions, add the mince and once it’s brown add tinned tomatoes, tomato purée and gravy. Stir and leave to simmer. Boil water and follow cooking instructions for spaghetti; this should be one of the few useful lessons that the Girl Guides taught you.

(Ingredients as title.) You have someone over and you want to line your stomachs for evening ahead. Quick and cheap.

(Ingredients as title.) Take straight from inside the freezer. Either it’s end of the month and you are on a budget, or you are having childhood nostalgia moment. Fishfingers under the grill, and chips in the oven; best served with daytime TV and ketchup.

And as for the summer or healthy moments? Salad. Why make life complicated?

Desserts you don’t need a degree to dish up

Angel Delight, an oldie but a goodie, fresh fruit salad, fresh berries and home-made apple pie.

Ice cream is so much more than an accompaniment; likewise chic patisseries and cake shops are there for a reason, for their powder puffs of perfection. Simply no one should attempt to make choux pastry.

But a dessert you have invented is a perfect way to showcase your imagination in the culinary department. If there is a story behind the invention it gives you the perfect opportunity to introduce an anecdote that shows you in an interesting or amusing light.

One of my signature dishes is
Crêpes à la Toblerone
. And how did I come up with this taste sensation? Since you ask, it was inspired by the view from my window: the Eiffel Tower.

1
   Take ready-made crêpe, folded and place on plate.

2
   Take four triangles of Toblerone and roll crêpe round the chocolate.

3
   Put in microwave on high for minute and a half, or until you see triangles start to sink.

4
   Sprinkle with hot-chocolate drinking powder.

5
   Serve with cream or ice cream as preferred.

How to produce a fabulous three-course dinner (and still be able to make pleasant conversation at the end)

Okay, you should be a bit warmed-up by now. You’re ready for the ultimate culinary challenge: the dinner party. Remember to check the following with your guests: are they vegetarian? Are they allergic to anything? Do they have any faddy diets? Is there anything they cannot eat? Are they definitely able to come? Do they want to bring one of the courses?

Assuming you are aiming for your guests to arrive at 8 p.m. and eat by 8.30 p.m. this handy step-by-step guide will ensure everything runs smoothly.

Avocado with mint and lime vinaigrette

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Mushroom risotto

Green salad and dressing

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Snow Queen with fresh raspberries

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Coffee and chocolates

Dinner parties require as much planning as an outfit. After work the day before the dinner party, go to supermarket and purchase all fresh items. Get a trolley, it’s too heavy a shop for a mere basket. Also, trolleys leave you with hands free to cross off lists, think, and break in the new heels you have purchased for the occasion.

2 ripe avocados

1 lime

3 large onions

1 clove of garlic

1 packet of herb salad

1 packet of green salad

1 packet of watercress

1 packet of fresh mint

1 box of mushrooms (big ones NOT button ones)

2 boxes of fresh raspberries

Bouillon stock

1 packet of Amboretto risotto rice

1 packet of dried porcini mushrooms

8oz meringues (that is about two packets)

bottle of French dressing

small bag caster sugar

1 pint whipping cream

fresh Parmesan

3 willing guests

Don’t forget to pick up wine, tea, coffee, bottled water and a couple of bunches of flowers. Twenty-four hours to go and regretting it? Check that all the guests are coming, and fill any gaps that may have appeared at the table. The night before – make Snow Queen and put in freezer. So if your soirée is during the week, preparing what you can in advance will mean you avoid a cooking frenzy after a day at the office. If you’ve had to skip this stage you can ad lib on the day and just do a raspberries, meringue and cream thing. But aim high.

Also the night before – tidy/hoover/polish. Get all odd jobs done in advance. This will avoid any early guests seeing you performing unsightly chores.

Synchronise your watch: timing on the day

18.00
  Lay table – decorate with appropriate festive decorations, placements, scented candles and put people in strategic positions. Why else have a dinner party unless it has match-making potential.

18.30
  Cook risotto – main stirring section here; if really rushed you could consider doing this night before or morning of . . . Once cooked, transfer to ovenproof dish and set aside.

19.00
  Change into glad rags. Hair, make-up. Paracetamol. (See How to get dressed in 5 minutes).

19.40
  Put out nibbles, olives, and set up carefully selected, appropriate CDs. (See How to choose the correct music).

19.45
  Get all dinner plates ready; have starter ready to chop.

19.55
  Light all scented candles, press Play on CD, squirt yourself with perfume.

20.00
  Guests arrive, welcome, offer glass of wine.

20.15
  Disown any friend still to arrive.

20.20
  Get guests to sit down at table.

20.25
  Bolt front door – any latecomers not to be admitted now.

20.26
  Go to kitchen, chop avocado and serve immediately.

20.30
  The starter.

20.40
  Slip to kitchen to put risotto in medium oven and, if not already, throw salad into a bowl. Remove dessert from freezer.

21.00
  Clear starter plates, invite guests to have more wine, carry through fresh plates and salad.

21.05
  The arrival of your risotto.

21.15
  While guests are enjoying the risotto, slip to kitchen to turn dessert out of container onto plate – how does it look?

21.30
  Remove main course dishes and offer guests slight pause, perhaps change CD now.

21.35
  In kitchen sprinkle fresh fruits and decorate Snow Queen ready to serve.

21.40
  Dessert through to table.

22.00
  Suggest retire to sitting room/leave table, carrying plates through to kitchen.

22.30
  Serve coffee and chocolates.

23.00
  Hope guests have enjoyed meal but want to leave soon.

23.30
  Ask guests (nicely) if they think it might be time (yawn) to leave.

23.45
  Start clearing up/washing up. Note: do it that night, it is horrid to wake up to.

00.30
  Bath and fall into bed.

The menu and the moves: the starter

This is an easy dish, but should not be done until the very, very last minute as the avocado will turn brown and look horrid. Halve, de-stone and peel avocados.

Place each half face down on plate and sprinkle with mint, dressing and garnish with slice of lime.

Or, half fill the avocado with dressing, where stone was, and place on plate garnished and decorated with the above.

The main course

The wine and happy banter should have distracted everyone nicely, but you have to worry about the main course, which is why if this is one of your first forays as an all-cooking, all-performing hostess it’s best to keep it simple by having it simmering before the first guest even rings the doorbell.

That is why risotto is a masterful choice: it is filling to eat – and essentially only involves stirring to make. But don’t forget the stirring. To do this you need to have your biggest saucepan on the hob, on medium heat, and stir and stir and stir continuously for twenty minutes while you mix in all the ingredients. This recipe is for mushroom risotto but you can substitute the mushrooms for anything you fancy. Once it is ready, transfer to a chic ceramic dish, well buttered, and put to one side. Twenty minutes before you want to eat it, reheat in a moderate oven.

1
   Chop 1½ onions and gently fry in a tablespoon of oil and some butter.

2
   Add 1 packet of risotto rice.

3
   Stir continually.

4
   Gradually stir in a litre of stock, a little at a time, until completely absorbed.

5
   Add mushrooms.

6
   Keep stirring. Don’t let it dry. You may need more stock. It should be like creamy porridge.

The dessert

This should be prepared the night before at the latest, as it needs freezing.

1
   Whip cream until stiff, with whisk, then fold in the sugar. (Fold in means use a metal spoon and stir in trying not to lose the air.)

2
   At this point you can add a dash of brandy if you want to pep up the taste.

3
   Crush the meringues. Ready made ones are quite dry and easy to break.

4
   Mix meringues into cream mixture with spoon.

5
   Either leave in mixing bowl or transfer to nice shaped bowl.

6
   Freeze overnight.

Take the meringue and cream mixture out of freezer and leave to temper on serving plate UPSIDE DOWN for about 30 minutes. Hopefully, with a gentle prod, the mixture will slip out, like an oversized crème caramel.

Serve with a sprinkling of raspberries over and around pudding, and if you like, garnish with marshmallows.

Serve immediately.

The aftermath

Not as glamorous as the presentation but, if you can face it, all Cinderellas are advised at least to rinse the plates before they stagger to bed. Washing up will seem a lot less traumatic if this initial gesture is made. If your guests offer to do the washing up more than once accept, gracefully, unless of course you are trying to woo them . . . Remember to blow out the candles – unless of course you are still wooing.

You have been very lucky, and very privileged, especially if you have escaped not only wanting seconds but avoiding food poisoning. You must write a thank-you note. The hassle of finding a card, a stamp and uniting them with a post box will be nothing compared to the trouble your host has been to.

Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underworld
by Anthony Bourdain (Bloomsbury, 2001). On why you should never have fish on a Monday.

Cooking for Kings: The Life of Antonin Carême
, by Ian Kelly (Short Books, 2003). The first celebrity chef, don’t you know.

E is for Eating
, by Tom Parker Bowles. (Long Barn Books, 2004). If you want to sit back and let someone else do the hard work and tasting.

Toast
by Nigel Slater (Harper Perennial, 2004). One man’s life through food.

Any Fanny Craddock cookbook for terrifying pictures of delicacies such as pigeon wings (with feathers in place) and purple mashed potato.

How to make the perfect tea and sympathy

‘A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water’
Nancy Reagan

As well as being a good talker, the life and soul of the party, it is as important, if not more so, to be a good listener. When someone dear has had a setback you should be the first person they turn to for tea and sympathy. If your advice sounds weak, even to your own ears, let the session take a more educational bent, and let the brew work its magic.

A brief history

The British have been drinking tea for over 350 years, and like to think it can solve all problems. But tea has actually been around for 4,500 years. According to Chinese mythology, in 2737
BC
the Chinese Emperor Shen Nung, a scholar and herbalist, was sitting under a tree drinking hot water, and a leaf fell from the tree, into his cup. As luck would have it, the leaf had fallen from a wild tea tree. The Emperor sipped the brew, and the taste for tea was born. The word ‘tea’ comes from the Chinese word to describe the drink – tchai, cha, and tay (cuppa cha, anyone?).