How to Win Friends and Influence People (18 page)

had neglected to put in a storm drain near the

house which could have prevented this problem I made

an appointment to see him. During the twenty-five-mile

trip to his office, I carefully reviewed the situation and,

remembering the principles I learned in this course, I

decided that showing my anger would not serve any

worthwhile purpose, When I arrived, I kept very calm

and started by talking about his recent vacation to the

West Indies; then, when I felt the timing was right, I

mentioned the ‘little’ problem of water damage. He

quickly agreed to do his share in helping to correct the

problem.

“A few days later he called and said he would pay for

the damage and also put in a storm drain to prevent the

same thing from happening in the future.

“Even though it was the fault of the owner of the subdivision,

if I had not begun in a friendly way, there

would have been a great deal of difficulty in getting him

to agree to the total liability.”

Years ago, when I was a barefoot boy walking through

the woods to a country school out in northwest Missouri,

I read a fable about the sun and the wind. They quarreled

about which was the stronger, and the wind said,

"I'll prove I am. See the old man down there with a

coat? I bet I can get his coat off him quicker than you

can.”

So the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew

until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the

tighter the old man clutched his coat to him.

Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then

the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled

kindly on the old man. Presently, he mopped his brow

and pulled off his coat. The sun then told the wind that

gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than

fury and force.

The use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated

day after day by people who have learned that a

drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.

F. Gale Connor of Lutherville, Maryland, proved this

when he had to take his four-month-old car to the service

department of the car dealer for the third time. He told

our class: “It was apparent that talking to, reasoning with

or shouting at the service manager was not going to lead

to a satisfactory resolution of my problems.

“I walked over to the showroom and asked to see the

agency owner, Mr. White. After a short wait, I was ushered

into Mr. White’s office. I introduced myself and

explained to him that I had bought my car from his

dealership because of the recommendations of friends

who had had previous dealings with him. I was told that

his prices were very competitive and his service was

outstanding. He smiled with satisfaction as he listened

to me. I then explained the problem I was having with

the service department. ‘I thought you might want to be

aware of any situation that might tarnish your fine reputation,’

I added. He thanked me for calling this to his

attention and assured me that my problem would be

taken care of. Not only did he personal get involved,

but he also lent me his car to use while mine was being

repaired.”

Aesop was a Greek slave who lived at the court of

Croesus and spun immortal fables six hundred years before

Christ. Yet the truths he taught about human nature

are just as true in Boston and Birmingham now as they

were twenty-six centuries ago in Athens. The sun can

make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind;

and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation

can make people change their minds more readily than

all the bluster and storming in the world.

Remember what Lincoln said: “A drop of honey

catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

PRINCIPLE 4

Begin in a friendly way.

THE SECRET OF SOCRATES

In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the

things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and

keep on emphasizing - the things on which you agree.

Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving

for the same end and that your only difference is one of

method and not of purpose.

Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset.

Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.”

A “No” response, according to Professor Overstreet,*

is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have

said “No,” all your pride of personality demands that

you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel

that the “No” was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your

precious pride to consider! Once having said a thing,

you feel you must stick to it. Hence it is of the very

greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative

direction.

* Harry A. Overstreet, lnfluencing
Humun Behavior (New
York: Norton,

1925).

The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of

“Yes” responses. This sets the psychological process of

the listeners moving in the affirmative direction. It is

like the movement of a billiard ball. Propel in one direction,

and it takes some force to deflect it; far more force

to send it back in the opposite direction.

The psychological patterns here are quite clear. When

a person says “No” and really means it, he or she is

doing far more than saying a word of two letters. The

entire organism - glandular, nervous, muscular -

gathers itself together into a condition of rejection. There is,

usually in minute but sometimes in observable degree,

a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The

whole neuromuscular system, in short, sets itself on

guard against acceptance. When, to the contrary, a person

says “Yes,” none of the withdrawal activities takes

place. The organism is in a forward - moving, accepting,

open attitude. Hence the more “Yeses” we can, at the

very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in

capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.

It is a very simple technique - this yes response. And

yet, how much it is neglected! It often seems as if people

get a sense of their own importance by antagonizing others

at the outset.

Get a student to say “No” at the beginning, or a customer,

child, husband, or wife, and it takes the wisdom

and the patience of angels to transform that bristling

negative into an affirmative.

The use of this “yes, yes” technique enabled James

Eberson, who was a teller in the Greenwich Savings

Bank, in New York City, to secure a prospective customer

who might otherwise have been lost.

“This man came in to open an account,” said Mr.

Eberson, “and I gave him our usual form to fill out. Some

of the questions he answered willingly, but there were

others he flatly refused to answer.

“Before I began the study of human relations, I would

have told this prospective depositor that if he refused to

give the bank this information, we should have to refuse

to accept this account. I am ashamed that I have been

guilty of doing that very thing in the past. Naturally, an

ultimatum like that made me feel good. I had shown

who was boss, that the bank’s rules and regulations

couldn’t be flouted. But that sort of attitude certainly

didn’t give a feeling of welcome and importance to the

man who had walked in to give us his patronage.

“I resolved this morning to use a little horse sense. I

resolved not to talk about what the bank wanted but

about what the customer wanted. And above all else, I

was determined to get him saying ‘yes, yes’ from the

very start. So I agreed with him. I told him the information

he refused to give was not absolutely necessary.

" ‘However,’ I said, ‘suppose you have money in this

bank at your death. Wouldn’t you like to have the bank

transfer it to your next of kin, who is entitled to it according

to law?’

" ‘Yes, of course,’ he replied.

" ‘Don’t you think,’ I continued, ‘that it would be a

good idea to give us the name of your next of kin so that,

in the event of your death, we could carry out your

wishes without error or delay?’

“Again he said, ‘Yes.’

“The young man’s attitude softened and changed

when he realized that we weren’t asking for this information

for our sake but for his sake. Before leaving the

bank, this young man not only gave me complete information

about himself but he opened, at my suggestion,

a trust account, naming his mother as the beneficiary for

his account, and he had gladly answered all the questions

concerning his mother also.

"I found that by getting him to say ‘yes, yes’ from the

outset, he forgot the issue at stake and was happy to do

all the things I suggested.”

Joseph Allison, a sales representative for Westinghouse

Electric Company, had this story to tell: “There

was a man in my territory that our company was most

eager to sell to. My predecessor had called on him for

ten years without selling anything When I took over the

territory, I called steadily for three years without getting

an order. Finally, after thirteen years of calls and sales

talk, we sold him a few motors. If these proved to be all

right, an order for several hundred more would follow.

Such was my expectation,

“Right? I knew they would be all right. So when I

called three weeks later, I was in high spirits.

“The chief engineer greeted me with this shocking

announcement: ‘Allison, I can’t buy the remainder of the

motors from you.’

" ‘Why?’ I asked in amazement. ‘Why?’

" ‘Because your motors are too hot. I can’t put my hand

on them,’

"I knew it wouldn’t do any good to argue. I had tried

that sort of thing too long. So I thought of getting the

'yes, yes' response.

" ‘Well, now look, Mr. Smith,’ I said. ‘I agree with you

a hundred percent; if those motors are running too hot,

you ought not to buy any more of them. You must have

motors that won’t run any hotter than standards set by

the National Electrical Manufacturers Association. Isn’t

that so?’

“He agreed it was. I had gotten my first ‘yes.’

" ‘The Electrical Manufacturers Association regulations

say that a properly designed motor may have a

temperature of 72 degrees Fahrenheit above room temperature.

Is that correct?’

" ‘Yes,’ he agreed. ‘That’s quite correct. But your motors

are much hotter.’

"I didn’t argue with him. I merely asked: ‘How hot is

the mill room?’

" ‘Oh,’ he said, ‘about 75 degrees Fahrenheit.’

" ‘Well,’ I replied, ‘if the mill room is 75 degrees and

you add 72 to that, that makes a total of 147 degrees

Fahrenheit. Wouldn’t you scald your hand if you held it

under a spigot of hot water at a temperature of 147 degrees

Fahrenheit?’

“Again he had to say ‘yes.’

" ‘Well,’ I suggested, ‘wouldn’t it he a good idea to

keep your hands off those motors?’

" ‘Well, I guess you’re right,’ he admitted. We continued

to chat for a while. Then he called his secretary and

lined up approximately $35,000 worth of business for

the ensuing month.

“It took me years and cost me countless thousands of

dollars in lost business before I finally learned that it

doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and

much more interesting to look at things from the other

person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying ‘yes, yes.' "

Eddie Snow, who sponsors our courses in Oakland,

California, tells how he became a good customer of a

shop because the proprietor got him to say “yes, yes.”

Eddie had become interested in bow hunting and had

spent considerable money in purchasing equipment and

supplies from a local bow store. When his brother was

visiting him he wanted to rent a bow for him from this

store. The sales clerk told him they didn’t rent bows, so

Eddie phoned another bow store. Eddie described what

happened:

“A very pleasant gentleman answered the phone. His

response to my question for a rental was completely different

from the other place. He said he was sorry but

they no longer rented bows because they couldn’t afford

to do so. He then asked me if I had rented before. I

replied, ‘Yes, several years ago.’ He reminded me that I

probably paid $25 to $30 for the rental. I said ‘yes’ again.

He then asked if I was the kind of person who liked to

save money. Naturally, I answered ‘yes.’ He went on to

explain that they had bow sets with all the necessary

equipment on sale for $34.95. I could buy a complete set

for only $4.95 more than I could rent one. He explained

that is why they had discontinued renting them. Did I

think that was reasonable? My ‘yes’ response led to a

purchase of the set, and when I picked it up I purchased

several more items at this shop and have since become

a regular customer.”

Socrates, “the gadfly of Athens,” was one of the greatest

 philosophers the world has ever known. He did

something that only a handful of men in all history have

been able to do: he sharply changed the whole course of

human thought; and now, twenty-four centuries after his

death, he is honored as one of the wisest persuaders who

ever influenced this wrangling world.

His method? Did he tell people they were wrong? Oh,

no, not Socrates. He was far too adroit for that. His whole

technique, now called the “Socratic method,” was based

upon getting a “yes, yes” response. He asked questions

with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept

on winning one admission after another until he had an

armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally,

almost without realizing it, his opponents found

themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly

denied a few minutes previously.

The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or

she is wrong, let’s remember old Socrates and ask a

gentle question - a question that will get the “yes, yes”

response.

The Chinese have a proverb pregnant with the age-old

wisdom of the Orient: “He who treads softly goes

far.”

They have spent five thousand years studying human

nature, those cultured Chinese, and they have garnered

a lot of perspicacity: “
He who treads softly goes far.”