Hush (5 page)

There was that question again.  “I’m twenty-one.”

Callem’s eyes bulged for a second.  “Twenty-one?!  You’re kidding me.  You’re younger than you look.  I thought you were probably twenty-four, twenty-five, but not that young.”

“Twenty-one isn’t that young,” I protested.

“It is for a pediatric oncologist residing at a private practice.”

“Well it does when you put it that way.  Since you’re getting so personal here, how old are you?”

Callem’s mouth curved up in one corner.  “How old do you think I am?”

“I’d say thirty-two.”

“Close.  Thirty-six.”

“No, you don’t look a day over thirty-four,” I replied playfully.

Callem chuckled.  A matching set of dimples appeared on his cheeks.  “I’ll take that as a compliment, thank you.”  He reached for his glass of water and took a long sip, keeping his eyes on me from the top of the rim.  “So this whiz kid thing you’ve got going on, do you have any siblings who are geniuses too?”

“I don’t have any siblings, biologically at least.  I was orphaned at a young age.  My mother didn’t know who my father was, which is sad in more ways than one, and she died when I was pushing five.”

“How did she die, can I ask?”

“She died of leukemia when she was only twenty-four.  I became a ward of the state and spent the next ten years bouncing from home to home.  I’d get with a foster family that I’d like or one that was decent and they’d end up giving me back.  It’s not easy fostering a gifted child.  The state was aware of my talents, for lack of a better word, and it was required of my foster families to keep up with my accelerated learning and some families just couldn’t do it.  I managed to land a wealthier family and I stayed with them for a few years.  They got me through high school and Ole Miss.”

“And then you moved out here?”

I nodded.  “Yeah.  Since I was underage, I moved in with another foster family and I still consider them my family to this day.  They have a biological daughter who is my age.  She was in high school when I was going to Berkeley so I was living vicariously through her.  She’d teach me things, oddly enough, about how people my age interacted and social norms.  Those were the kinds of things they couldn’t teach you at the university and the kinds of things I was severely lacking.  She’s great.  She’s always accepted me even though I was weird and awkward back then.”

“Does she still live around here?”

“Yes.  Well she lives in Downey with her parents for now.  She’s finishing up a nursing program at East Los Angeles.  She’s hoping to get on at my office when she’s done and she’d probably move in with me until she can save for a place of her own.”

“So you guys are really close.  Did she want to be a nurse because of you?”

“I don’t think so.  I think she’s always wanted to do that, to go into that field.  Besides, she’s much more of an influence on me than the other way around.  I was probably a good example for her particularly when it came to school work, but other than book smarts, I didn’t have much to offer at that age.  I didn’t have friends.  I didn’t have time for friends.  She taught me how to be a friend to someone.  We fought a lot when I first started living with them only because I didn’t know how to treat other people.  I didn’t know the rules of a friendship so she’d get testy and correct me and I’d learn from my mistakes.”

“Seems to me you’ve turned out well.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, socially speaking.”

I cocked my head.  “But speaking in other terms, you’ve found some flaws, have you?”

Callem held up his hand.  “No, no, I didn’t mean that.”

I chuckled.  “I know.  I was just joking with you.”

Our food arrived.  Callem took my advice and got the tilapia.  I got the seafood alfredo.  Callem kept his eyes on me as we ate, making small talk about our dishes and our approval for them.

“I remind you of someone, don’t I?”  I asked.

Callem studied me for a second before answering, “Why do you say that?”

“I’m an observer at heart.  I watch people, learn to pick up on little things.  If you can decipher someone just by the way they move their hands or where their eyes plant themselves, you’re already one step ahead of the game.  It’s something I’ve always done.  I can tell by the way you look at me, and won’t stop looking at me.  That’s why I remind you of someone.  You saw the correlation when we first met too, which is why you felt the need to keep an extra close eye on me last night.  You care for her, whoever she is, don’t you?”

Callem sat in silence for a second.  “Here I thought I wasn’t that transparent of a guy.”

“On the contrary.  You’re hard to see past and I think you’re not one to boast about yourself, which is why me and my egotistical ways have been dominating the conversation, but your eyes are telling a story of their own.  Blame it on them.”

Callem chuckled, rubbing his lip with his fore finger.  “You’re right.  You do remind me of someone.  Camilla.  She and I dated in high school and shortly after.  We were together about six years, but she tragically passed away in a drunk driving accident.”

“Callem, I’m sorry,” I replied, feeling like an ass now for prying.

Callem nodded slightly.  “I was in Tennessee at the time for military stuff and in my youth, I blamed myself for her death.  I thought if I had been with her, she wouldn’t have had to drive.  Ultimately, it was her choice to get behind the wheel that night, but grief does awful things to someone.  You look a lot like her.  It’s hypnotizing, in a way.”

“Was your relationship serious?”  Why did I ask?

“It could’ve been, but it’s hard telling.  In those first years of early adulthood when you’re first out on your own and you start making your own grown up decisions, well, you get this air about you that makes you feel important and responsible and it’s intoxicating.  Dangerous at the same time because you don’t know any better.  You haven’t been doing the adult thing long enough to’ve learned from your own mistakes.  The choices I made back then, I’ve never had more regrets at any other stage in my life.  I was dumb and anything could have happened to Camilla and I if she hadn’t died, but there’s no way to know.  Relationships back then were mostly physical and at my age now, you can’t base a relationship based purely on physical attraction.  I get that now.  I didn’t get that then.  We were just so in love it blinded us.  We thought we’d be together forever, but that may not have been the case if things had turned out differently.”

“Have you ever been married?”

“No, not me.  I’m married to my work.”

“No children either?”

Callem shook his head.  “Nope.”

I nodded slowly.  “Is that something you’re opposed to?”

“No, not at all.  It’s just never happened for me.  I’ve dated, casually since Camilla, but nothing strong enough to even consider that step.”

I smiled.  “I hear you.”

“What about you?  Lose any promising prospects?”

“Not really,” I cringed.  “I’m kind of like you.  I’ve never dated much.  There were a few guys while I was doing my residency, but nothing promising.  I don’t think I could ever be with another doctor anyway.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a very demanding, consuming profession.  I’d either feel cheated or feel like I was cheating him out of me; cheating on him with my job, you know?  It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”

“But if you found a doctor you fell for, like actually fell in love with, do you really think you’d turn that away?”

That was a good question.  I bit my lip.  “Well, I don’t know love.  I’ve never loved someone in that way.  The love I have for Erin and her parents, that’s hard for me to consider it love.  I think it’s more like a deep appreciation and sense of gratitude.  I don’t know if I’d even know what love was if it hit me in the face.  I was robbed of that, uh, innate, primal, instinctive love you get from a family.  Sure the people I lived with throughout my life were caring and kind and generous, but it takes so much more than that to love and I just didn’t get it.  I’m not a bad person for it, I’m just inexperienced.”

“Undereducated,” Callem added.

I chuckled.  “Exactly.  So it’s hard for me to know what I would do in that kind of situation since I’ve never had to deal with or fight with or debate with my rational thoughts versus the thoughts of someone in love.  I’ve heard love makes people crazy, but what would I know,” I said playfully, rising a hearty laugh from Callem.

It was then I realized we had both finished our meals and were lounging in an awkward pause in conversation.  The server brought the sleek black folder containing the bill.  He was about to hand the folder to Callem before I intervened. 

“Thank you for dinner,” Callem said as I slipped my credit card in the folder and dangled it over the edge of the table.

“You’re very welcome.  I know this is overkill, but I’m still not over how wonderful you were last night.  I cringe at the idea of what could have happened and you’re in my debt for it.”

“Not anymore,” Callem said, tapping the folder with his forefinger.  “You’ve just wiped the slate.  We’re even.”

“I hardly think a piece of fish cooked and served to you is payment enough.”

“It’s more than enough, especially when you couple it with your company.”

I turned my head, smiling.  “You’re too kind.”  Another silence.  I racked my brain rapidly, scrounging for a conversational topic, but came up empty handed, like usual.  I’m no good at this.

As Callem pulled up outside the office, dropping me off at my car, I didn’t want to get out of his car.  I didn’t want to say ‘good-night’.  The scariest thing was I didn’t understand why I felt this way.

“Just remember, you can call me if you need anything.  A ride home from somewhere or someone to upgrade your security system, anything really,” Callem said as he pulled alongside my Toyota.

I nodded slowly.  “Well, this was fun.  Thank you for the ride.  I’ll see you around.”  I didn’t know what else to say as I pried myself from his car.  He waited until I was in my car and it was started before he drove off.

I leaned my head on the back of the seat, exhaling deeply.  “What the hell is wrong with me?” I whispered.

Breathe.  Just breathe.

How did it come to this?  How could I have been so blind to all of it?  I sat on the edge of the bed, staring into an invisible abyss.  My eyes stung from the crying I’d done.  My skin was still crawling with disgust.  I wish I could take it off and send it to the dry cleaner.  That still wouldn’t wash off the years of lies and deceit.  My hands hadn’t stopped shaking since I put the pieces together.

I looked at the clock.  I’d been sitting in this spot for almost two hours, memories racing through my mind.  So many things I’d missed.  So many things that made sense now.  So many questions I had unanswered that I probably didn’t want to know the answers to.

He’d be home soon.  He’d realize I left.

He’d realize I knew.

I stood up, walked over to the phone, and dialed Erin.  Don’t cry.  Don’t cry.  Don’t cry.

“Hello,” Erin answered after a few rings.

“Hey,” I said lightly.

“Hey, who is this?” she asked.

“It’s Liv,” I said.  Even though I called her from the hotel phone and she didn’t know the number I was calling from, I figured she still would have known it was me.  I must have sounded awful if she didn’t recognize my voice.

“Oh, hey stranger.  Haven’t heard from you all week.  Where are you?  Did your phone die?”

“Ugh, no I left it at home.”  I leaned back on the bed against the headboard, taking meditative breaths to keep from weeping into the phone.

“Oh, alright.  What’s going on?  How are you doing?”

Loaded question.  “I don’t know,” I whispered.

Erin could finally hear the distress in my voice.  “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head.  “Cal and I are fighting,” I said carefully.  “I don’t mean to bother you with this, but I wanted to call.”

“Liv, what are you talking about?  What happened?”

“Well, I’m not at the house.  I left for the night.  There are just some things I need to figure out and I had to get out of the house, but Cal doesn’t know where I am.”

“He doesn’t know where you are?  What the hell happened?” Erin asked more firmly.

“I really don’t want to worry you.  I’m calling because he may come by your house looking for me or he might call.  If he calls, don’t answer it, please.  If he comes by the house, just call this number and I’ll call him for you.  Please, he’s going to be upset and I don’t want him to take it out on you or say something he wouldn’t normally, when he’s got a level head.”

“You’re kind of scaring me here.  Are you okay?  He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“No, no, nothing like that.  I don’t want to get into it.  I’m so exhausted from it and it’s not your problem.  I don’t want to bother you with my marital issues.  Everything is going to be okay.  I just need some time to myself.”

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m a little freaked out.  I just wish you’d tell me.  Despite what you just said, do you want me to come stay with you?  We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about.  We can just lounge around together, order room service, order some movies.”

“No.  I just want to be alone.  Please, just call me if he tries to reach out to you and I’ll call him.”

“Where are you at?”

“I’m at the Omni downtown.  Don’t tell him where I am.  I don’t want to make a scene here.”

“You know, none of what you’re saying is comforting me.  Did you catch him cheating or something?  You can tell me, just to ease my mind.”

I scoffed quietly.  “Please, honestly, I didn’t call to talk about this fight.  There’s a reason why I’m not telling you.  It’s,” I paused.  I didn’t even know how to dumb it down.  “It’s between Callem and me.  Please respect that and know I wouldn’t put myself in a dangerous or volatile situation.  I’m safe.  Cal would never hurt me, you know that.  I just need some time.”

Erin was quiet for a moment, though I could hear her scoffing lightly on the other end.  “Alright.  Just promise me you’ll call if things get out of hand or if you decide you want me there with you.  Seriously.”

“Alright, I promise.  Remember, don’t talk to Callem.  Just call this number back if he tries to find me through you.  Ask for room 831.  I’ll be here all night.  I’ll call you tomorrow if I don’t talk to you later.”

“Alright.  Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

I hung up the phone just as the sobs started to spew out of me.  This would be the end of us.  This secret; this lie would destroy everything we had together.  It will never be the same.  As badly as I had to walk away from him, I didn’t want to.  Did that make me selfish or naive, maybe a little of both?

I knew what I had to do.  I knew what needed to be done and I dreaded it with all my might.  Why did he do this to me?  Look what he’s made me do.  How could I hate someone so much that I was so deeply in love with?  I hated myself for it more than I hated him.  No matter how awful the offense, you can’t erase the feelings and the memories you’ve held so close to your heart.

My stomach flip-flopped.  I could just imagine him at home, looking for me, wondering where I was, unaware he’d been caught; he’d been found out.  I can just imagine his disbelief when he realizes what I’ve discovered.  He’ll be so angry.  He’ll be beside himself.  He’ll look for me.  He’ll want to explain, no, he’ll want to distract me from the truth.  He’ll want to make excuses.  He’ll want me back.

He won’t get a chance.  He ruined everything.

I had to be strong.  He knows me better than anyone.  He knows I’m weak.  He knows if he tries hard enough he can get what he wants from me.  He knows.  He’s always known.  Is that why he picked me?  Is that why he got away with it for so long?  Because my eyes weren’t open?  Because I didn’t ask questions?

I took a deep breath, wiping the tears off my cheeks.  The storm was nearly at my doorstep.