Hush (28 page)

“What?”
she gasped and sat down in the seat across from me like she just couldn’t hold herself up anymore.

“I love you Sloane. You’ve had my heart ever since I saw you in that church. You’ve capt
ivated me, my own little witch,” I said.

“Siva,” she
gasped. “Don’t say that.”

“Why?”
I asked perplexed.

“You
hurt
me,”
she said and began to cry.

“I know Sloane,”
I said, choking up,
“but I didn’t mean to. I swear it was all her. She’s been making her attentions clear and I did nothing to thwart it which was my fault. I just didn’t expect
that
to happen.”
I laughed to myself,
“Love is a weakness. Look what it has done to me.”

Love had changed me. Turned me into a completely different person. I had thought I liked the person I was becoming but now… Now, the pain was going to choke me.

When my sister died I had tried to cease loving, it just hurt too much. But you can’t really do that. Despite my brother ignoring me I still loved him and his death had hurt just as much as Saia’s. The thought of losing Sloane though, broke me. I couldn’t lose her.

“Love is not a weakness,”
she said, shaking her head back and forth.
“Love is worth fighting for. Fight for me, Siva. Fight for us.”
She reached across the table and grabbed me by the shirt. My eyes widened.

“I am!” I yelled, surprising myself. I hadn’t meant to scream at her.
“I’m trying Sloane! I’m trying! But what if I lose you! It won’t have been worth it. I’ve never loved someone Sloane. Never. You’ve bewitched me. I don’t want to lose you! I’m fighting! Fighting hard!”
My shoulders shook with bottled up emotion.
“Please believe me Sloane. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

After a pause she said, “I believe you.” Three words had never sounded as good as those before.
“But I’m hurt Siva. What
I saw? I can’t just erase that,” she said and shook her head like she was trying to do just that.

“I know,”
I sighed.

They called for
a
flight.

“Siva, I’ve got to go,”
she said.

“No,” I begged, shaking my head. She couldn’t go. Not now.

“I’ll be back Sunday like was planned. I need to think about some t
hings.
About us.
About my life,” she said.

Those words cut my like a knife. She would leave and she’d decide I wasn’t right for her… because I wasn’t.

I hung my head, defeated. This would probably be the last time I ever saw her.
“I understand Sloane. But I do,”
I said.

“You do what?” she asked.

“Love you.”

“I really have to go,”
she said.

“Is there any chance?”
I asked.
I had to know before she left.

“Chance for what?”
she asked.

“That you’l
l love me?
”
I asked.

“I’m already there, Siva. I have been for a long time.”

My mouth dropped open and the air hissed out. I hadn’t been expecting that.

“Goodbye,” she said standing.

I looked up, dazed. “I will see you Sunday?” I asked.

“I’ll be back,” she said.

And with those words, for the first time in my life, I dared to hope.

We’re having a baby

I placed the chicken in the pan before pouring the glaze over it. For some reason I really enjoyed cooking. My mom had taught me how to cook when I was just a small boy and I kept at it. Sloane hated to cook so it had worked out great. I laughed looking at the apron she had gotten me for my birthday. I refused to wear it.

A wet nose nudged my leg. I looked down into the blue eyes of the black lab named Jet. I had wanted to be mad at Sloane but one look at this dog and I knew he was a kindred spirit. He had been hurt beyond measure and now he was just looking for someone to love him. Who was I to deny that to him?

I washed my hands and was turning back around when I heard the door open. “Honey!” I called. “How did it go at the doctor’s?” I put the chicken in the oven. I stood back up and saw her standing in the doorway. She looked broken and frightened. My heart clenched. It was bad. I knew it! I told her to go to the doctor! Why didn’t she listen to me! Stubborn woman! Oh God, what if it was cancer? I couldn’t lose her.
“Sloane? What is it? How bad is it? It’s not just a bug is it?”
I looked down at the counter and a shudder past over me.
“Are you going to be okay?”
I finally whispered. She didn’t answer.
“Are you going to be okay, Sloane? Answer me!”
I yelled.

“In
about nine months I’ll be okay,” she laughed. “More like seven and a half.”

I looked up, shocked. She couldn’t mean- no. “What are you saying Sloane?”

“Please don’t make me say it,”
she said and shook her head back and forth. Tears poured out of her eyes.

“Say it!”
I screamed.

“We’re having a baby,”
she whispered.

I closed my eyes. “
How did this happen?”
I whispered.

“The typical way Siva,”
she snapped.

I slammed my hand down on the countertop.
“You’re on the pill Sloane! This isn’t supposed to happen! I told you I wasn’t ready to be a father! An innocent child doesn’t need to have me as its father! I’m not good enough for this! I’m not good enough for you,”
I whispered. I put my hands on my hips and let out a breath of pent-up frustration.
“We agreed that in a few years-”

“You think I did this on purpose don’t you!”
she screamed at me. My brows narrowed, that was not what I had been thinking. I just wasn’t ready to be a… dad. I was going to be a dad.
“I’m not ready to be a mother! I’m just learning how to be a wife!”
she said and shook her head back and forth.
“I don’t want to bring a baby into a broken household where neither one of its parents want it.”

I paled.
“What are you saying? You’re not thinking about-”
She couldn’t seriously be considering an abortion?

She glared at me. I was surprised by the amount of venom and pain in her eyes.
“Never! This is
our baby
Siva!”
I watched her put her hand to her stomach where our child was growing.

I clenched my teeth. “Then what are you saying Sloane?”

She closed her eyes and then opened them. She pulled a slip of paper from her purse, laid it on the counter, and slid it across from me. “This-” she pointed to the piece of paper,
“changes
things. Hearing our baby’s heartbeat-”
she shook her head.
“I’m saying that if you don’t want to be a part of this-”
she bit her lip and tears threatened to overflow.
“I’ll do it on my own.”

She turned her back on me.

“Sloane! Don’t walk away from me!”

But she did. The front door slammed closed and she was gone.

I swallowed thickly and looked down at the counter. I picked up the glossy paper. My teeth clenched.

My baby. I was looking at my baby.

I couldn’t do this though. I couldn’t be a dad. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t good enough. I wanted kids… but not now. Not yet.

I buried my head in my hands. I had really fucked everything up. I should’ve been happy about this… and a part of me was… But a bigger part was screaming and freaking out.

I had to get out of here.

I turned the oven off, grabbed the dog, and headed to Jacob’s apartment.

* * *

“You can’t just come over without warning all the time,” said Jacob opening the door. “I know this is shocking but sometimes I have girls over here. Can’t you call or something?”

“Sloane’s pregnant,” I said.

“Come on in,” he said opening the door. “Whoa! Whoa! What is that?” he pointed at Jet.

“My dog,” I said.

“You have a dog?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“And now a baby? You’ve been busy,” Jacob said and slapped me on the back.

“Don’t remind me,” I grumbled.

“What’s the problem?” asked Jacob. I sat down on his black leather couch. His whole place screamed bachelor pad.

“I can’t do this,” I said. “I can’t be a dad. If- if Devak hadn’t died she’d still be with him. She would’ve married him and be having his baby.”

Jacob sat down in a chair across from me. “I’m confused,” he said. “What does Devak being dead have anything to do with the baby?”

I rubbed my face. “Are you not listening to me? I can’t do this. I can’t be a dad. I thought that in a few years I’d be ready but not now.”

“But why do you feel that way? Why do you think you can’t be a dad?” he asked.

“What are you a
fucking psychologist?”

“Maybe,” he shrugged. “My parents always wanted me to be a doctor. Now answer the question.”

I groaned. “I don’t want to be like my dad. I want to be the kind of father that enjoys spending time with my kids, plays with my kids,
and teaches
them stuff.”

“Why can’t you do that?” asked Jacob.

“I don’t know,” I shook my head. “I just- I feel like I don’t deserve her. Or a family.”

“Siva,” said Jacob. “Sloane chose you. I don’t know why, but she did. She loves you… don’t ruin that.”

I shook my head. “She probably hates me now,” I mumbled.

“She probably does,” Jacob laughed. “You can be such an arse sometimes.”

“Do you mind if I stay here? It’ll give us both time to cool off,” I asked.

“Of course,” said Jacob. “My couch is at your service.”

I laughed.

“Hungry?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “I am.”

Jacob ordered takeout food and we ate it sitting on his couch watching TV. It reminded me of my college days.

“I’m going to bed,” said Jacob standing. “You know where the blankets are.”

Over dinner Jacob had continued to tell me how stupid I was. I tended to agree. But I was still angry. A baby wasn’t something to be taken lightly.

I grabbed the blankets and pillows from the hall closet and made up the couch. I stripped off my pants and shirt and pulled a blanket
over me
. Jet
laid
on the floor beside me. I idly pet his head as I tried to distract my mind with the television. I had ruined things with my behavior like I
always did. Sloane would hate me
now. I didn’t really blame her, after all I hated myself. How can you expect other people to like you or love you when you can’t do it yourself?

I grabbed my pants off the floor and pulled the piece of paper from my pocket. I stared at the blurry black and gray image.  I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be a dad. My own childhood had been so fucked up t
hat I wouldn’t know what to do and in my heart I wasn’t sure that I could love a child yet. That’s why I had wanted to wait. Everyone I loved seemed to leave me. After the way I acted Sloane would leave to. I always managed to push away the people I cared about the most.

I twisted onto my side and continued to look at the ultrasound. I felt like I was looking at something that shouldn’t be mine. This should’ve been Devak’s.

I should be the one dead.

Sloane would’ve never picked me had there been a choice.

I always was
,
and always would be
,
second best.

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