I Am Ozzy (28 page)

The first gig I did after Betty Ford was in Rio de Janeiro.
I was legless before I even got on the plane.
By the time we reached Rio, I'd got through a whole bottle of Courvoisier, and was passed out in the

aisle. Sharon tried her best to move me - but I was like a dead fucking body. In the end she got so pissed off with me that she grabbed the stainless steel fork from her meal tray and began stabbing me with it. I soon fucking moved after that. But at least I now knew what I was - a full-blown, practising alcoholic. I couldn't pretend any more that I was just having fun, or that boozing was something everyone did when they got a bit of dough. I had a disease, and it was killing me. I used to think, Even an animal won't go near something again if it makes it sick, so why do I keep going back to this?

The gig was Rock in Rio, a ten-day festival featuring Queen, Rod Stewart, AC/DC and Yes. One and a half million people bought tickets. But I was disappointed by the place. I'd expected to see the Girl from Ipanema on every corner, but I never saw a single one. There were just all these dirt-poor kids running around like rats. People were either outrageously rich or living on the streets - there didn't seem to be anything in between.

I'll always remember meeting Ronnie Biggs, the Great Train Robber, on that trip. In those days he was living in exile in Brazil, and he seemed to be making the best of it - he claimed he shagged two and a half thousand chicks while he was there. But it was still a kind of prison for him, because he was so homesick. He came over to the hotel wearing a T-shirt that said, 'Rio - a Wonderful Place to Escape to', but he just kept asking, 'So, what's it like in England, Ozzy? Do they still have this shop, or that shop, or this beer, or that beer?'

I felt sorry for the guy. No one in their right mind would give him a job, so he'd get all these English tourists over to his house, charge them fifty quid each, get them to buy him some beers and a bag of dope, then tell them the Great Train Robbery story. He called it 'The Ronnie Biggs Experience'. I suppose it was better than being in prison. He was all right, Ronnie, y'know. He wasn't a bad guy, and everyone knew that he wasn't even on the train when the driver was assaulted, yet he was sent down for thirty years. You can rape a kid and kill a granny and get less than thirty years nowadays. People say, 'He got away with it in the end, didn't he?' But I don't think he did. I mean, the bloke was so unhappy. I wasn't surprised when he finally came back to Britain, even though it meant getting arrested at Heathrow and thrown straight in the slammer.

Home's home, in the end, even if it's behind bars. At least he got his freedom at the finish, although it was only 'cos the guy was on his deathbed. Ronnie always said his last wish was 'to walk into a Margate pub as an Englishman and buy a pint'. But from what I've heard, he's going to have to wait until the next life for that pleasure.

The summer after Rock in Rio, I agreed to do Live Aid with Black Sabbath. Sharon was already pregnant again, and we didn't want to fly to Philadelphia, so we decided to take the QE2 to New York instead, then drive the rest of the way.

After the first hour at sea, we regretted it. In those days we were used to getting to New York in three hours on Concorde. The QE2 took five fucking days, which felt more like five billion years. I mean, what the fuck are you supposed to
do
on a ship, apart from puke your guts out 'cos you're feeling sea sick? By the end of day one, I was hoping we might hit an iceberg, just to liven things up a bit. And the boredom only got worse from there. In the end I went to see the ship's doctor and begged him for sedatives to put me out for the rest of the way. I woke up forty-eight hours later, just as we were pulling into port. Sharon was so pissed off - she'd had to entertain herself while I was out cold - it's a miracle she didn't throw me overboard. 'Remember me? You
arsehole
,' was the first thing she said when I opened my eyes.

To be honest with you, I was stressed out about doing Live Aid. I hadn't talked to Tony for years, so it wasn't exactly the most comfortable of situations. Then the organisers put us between Billy Ocean and the Four fucking Tops... at ten o'clock in the morning. I don't know what they were thinking. People kept telling us that they needed more black acts in the show, so maybe they thought
we
were black - like when we played Philadelphia on our first American tour.

It didn't get off to a good start.
When I was in the lobby of the hotel, checking in before the gig, this bloke comes up to me and says, 'Hey, Ozzy, can I have a photograph?' and I go, 'Sure, yeah.' Then the bloke goes, 'Sorry, I have to do this,' and hands me a lawsuit. It was from my father-in-law. He'd
served
me - before a fucking charity gig.
When everyone backstage heard about the writ - don't ask me what it was about, or what happened to it, 'cos I left it all to Sharon - one of the roadies came up to me and said, 'He's quite a character, your father-in-law, isn't he?'
'What d'you mean?' I asked him.
'He said the cover of
Born Again
reminded him of his grand-children.'
If you haven't seen that cover -
Born Again
was Black Sabbath's third album after I left - it's of an aborted demon baby with fangs and claws. What an unbelievable thing to say!
On the one hand, doing Live Aid was brilliant: it was for a great cause, and no one can play those old Black Sabbath songs like me, Tony, Geezer and Bill. But on the other hand, it was all a bit embarrassing. For a start, I was still grossly overweight - on the video, I'm the size of a planet. Also, in the six years since I'd left the band, I'd become a celebrity in America, whereas Black Sabbath had been going in the other direction. So I got preferential treatment, even though I hadn't asked for it. It was just stupid little things, like I got a Live Aid jacket and they didn't. But it still felt awkward. And I didn't handle it with much grace, because my coked-up rock star ego was out of control. Deep down, a part of me wanted to say to them, 'You fired me and now I don't need you, so fuck you.' Looking back now, all I can think is, Why was I like that? Why did I have to be such a dickhead?
But the gig went smoothly enough. We just checked in to the hotel, met up at the sound check, ran through the set list, got up there, did the songs and fucked off home.
As for Don Arden's lawsuit, it probably shouldn't have come as much of a surprise. Jet Records had taken a big hit when we left. And a lot of other things were going wrong for him too.
For example, it was around that time Sharon's brother David ended up in court in England for allegedly kidnapping, black-mailing and beating up an accountant called Harshad Patel. It was a very bad scene. David was sentenced to two years in Wandsworth for whatever part he had in it, but he only served a few months. By the end of it, he'd been moved to Ford Open Prison.
Then they went after Don, who was still living in the Howard Hughes house at the top of Benedict Canyon. In the end, Don realised he was going to be extradited, so he went back of his own accord to stand trial. Then he hired the best lawyers in London and got off, scot-free.

A few months after Live Aid, on November 8, 1985, Jack was born. I was too pissed to remember much of it - I spent most of the time in the pub opposite the hospital - but I remember Sharon wanting to have him circumcised. I didn't put up a fight. I mean, the funny thing is, even though my mother was a Catholic, she had
me
circumcised. None of my brothers had it done - just me. I remember asking my mum what the fuck she was thinking, and she just went, 'Oh, it was fashionable.' I couldn't believe what I was hearing. 'It was
fashionable
to cut my dick off!' I remember shouting at her.

But I have to admit, it is cleaner that way. And because Jack was part-Jewish - because of Don Arden, whose real name was Harry Levy - it seemed like the right thing to do.
The most amazing thing about Jack being born is that he was our third kid in three years. We hadn't planned it that way. It just happened. Every time I came off the road, me and Sharon would get in the sack together - as you do - one thing would lead to another, then nine months later Sharon would be giving birth to another little Osbourne.
It was crazy, really, because I ended up touring the world as the Prince of Darkness with three little kids in tow, which wasn't exactly good for the image. For a few years I spent most of my time between gigs in a panic trying to find Jack's comfort blanket, which was this little yellow teddy bear thing called Baby. Jack would go fucking insane if he didn't have Baby to cuddle and chew on. But we were travelling so much, Baby would always end up getting left behind. I became obsessed with that fucking bear. I'd come off stage after singing 'Diary of a Madman', and the first thing I'd say was, 'Where's Baby? Has anyone seen Baby?
Make sure we don't lose Baby
.'
On more than one occasion we had to send our private jet halfway across America just to get Baby back from the hotel were we'd stayed the previous night. We'd drop twenty grand on jet fuel, just to rescue Baby. And don't think we didn't fucking try to just buy Jack a replacement. He was too smart for that - he wouldn't have any of it. You'd find a comfort blanket that was absolutely identical in every way to Baby, but Jack would take one look at it, throw it back at you, and bawl his eyes out until he got his real Baby back. And of course as time went on, Baby ended up having major surgery after being eaten by Sharon's dog a few times, so in the end there was no mistaking him.
As much as I was drunk and absent a lot of the time, I loved being a dad. It's just so much fun watching these little people you've brought into the world as they develop and grow up. Sharon loved being a mum, too. But enough was enough after a while. After Jack was born, I remember her saying to me, 'Ozzy, I can't have you anywhere near me next time you finish a tour. I feel like I've been pregnant for ever, I can't do it any more.'
So I went and got the snip. What a strange experience that was.
'You know this can't be reversed, don't you, Mr Osbourne?' said the doc.
'Yeah.'
'So you're sure about this?'
'Oh, yeah.'
'Absolutely sure?'
'Doc, believe me, I'm sure.'
'OK then, sign this form.'
After the operation, my balls swelled up to the size of watermelons. They ached terribly, too. 'Hey, Doc,' I said. 'Can you give me something that will leave the swelling but take away the pain?'
All in all, I don't recommend it, as far as elective surgery goes. When you pop your load after you've had the snip, nothing but dust comes out. It's like a dry sneeze. Really weird, man.
Then, nine months later, Sharon got broody again. So I had to go back to the doc and ask him to unsnip me.
'Oh, for fuck's sake,' he said. 'I
told
you that couldn't be done. But we can always try, I suppose.'
It didn't work. As the doc said, it's very hard to reverse a snip. Maybe if I'd gone back to get my pipes cleaned out, it would have been OK. Who knows? But we gave up on having any more kids after that. Still, five kids in one lifetime ain't bad - and I love them all so much.
They're the best things that ever happened to me, no question about it.
Another problem with getting the snip was that it made me think I suddenly had the freedom to do whatever I wanted to - or at least whatever I
thought
I wanted to, when I was pissed out of my skull. But my wife was brought up in a rock 'n' roll environment, and she can sniff out a lie from six thousand miles away. And I'm the world's worst liar, anyway.
So she knew exactly what I was up to. Of course, she hated it, but she put up with it. At first.
It wasn't like I was having affairs. I just wanted to think I was Robert Redford for an hour. But I was never any good at that game. Most of the time, when I was with a chick, she'd be calling an ambulance or carrying me back to my hotel room in a cab while I puked my guts out. I'd start the night like James Bond, and end it like a pile of shit on the floor. And the guilt that followed was always fucking lethal. I hated it. I felt like such an arsehole. And I'm a terrible hypochondriac, so I'd always be shitting myself that I'd caught some rare and deadly virus. I can catch a disease off the telly, me. I'll be taking some pill to help me get to sleep, then I'll see an ad for it on TV, and the voiceover will say, 'Side-effects may include vomiting, bleeding and, on rare occasions, death' and I'll convince myself I'm halfway to the morgue. It got to the point where I had doctors coming over to look at my dick twice a week, just to be on the safe side.
Then AIDS came along.
I wasn't worried at first. Like most people, I thought it was a gay thing. And no matter how drunk or high I got, I never felt the urge to jump in the sack with some hairy-arsed bloke.
But it didn't take long for everyone to realise that you don't have to be gay to get AIDS. Then, one night, I bonked this chick in the Sunset Marquis Hotel in West Hollywood. As soon as I was done, I just
knew
something wasn't right. So, at two in the morning, I called the front desk and asked if they had a doctor on duty. They did - those fancy hotels always have their own in-house quacks - so he came up to my room, checked out my tackle and told me I should go and have a test.
'What d'you mean, a test?' I asked him.
'An HIV test,' he said.
That was it, as far as I was concerned. I was a goner.
For a few days I drove myself halfway insane with worry. I was impossible to be around. Then I blurted everything out to Sharon. You can imagine how that went down. Think of that 100-megaton bomb the Russians once set off in the Arctic.
That was Sharon when I told her that I had to get an HIV test 'cos I'd bonked some dodgy chick from a hotel bar. Angry doesn't even begin to describe it. It was such a bad scene, I began to think that being dead might actually be better than being alive for another bollocking.
Anyway, I got the test. And then a week later, I went with Sharon to get the results.
I'll never forget the doctor walking into that little room, sitting down, getting out his file, and going, 'Well, Mr Osbourne, the good news is that you don't have herpes, the clap or syphilis.'
The second he said that, I knew something was up.
'What's the bad news?' I asked him.
'Well, I'm afraid there's no easy way to tell you this,' he said, as my whole body went numb with fear. 'But you're HIV positive.'
I literally fell to my knees, put my hands over my head, and screamed, 'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN I'M HIV POSITIVE? THAT'S A FUCKING DEATH SENTENCE, YOU ARSEHOLE!'
You've got to remember, in those days HIV wasn't treatable like it is now. If you got HIV, it meant you'd get AIDS - and then you'd die. The End. And if I was HIV positive, then it probably meant that Sharon was HIV positive, too. Which meant I'd killed the mother of my kids.
I couldn't even look at Sharon, I felt so fucking terrible. She must have
hated
me at that moment. But she didn't say anything. I suppose the shock of it must have been as bad for her as it was for me.
Then the phone on the doctor's desk rang. I was still on my knees and screaming at this point, but I soon shut up when I realised it was the lab, calling about my results. I listened as the doctor ummed and ahhed for a while. Then he put down the receiver and went, 'Actually, Mr Osbourne, let me clarify: your test was borderline, not positive. That means we need to run it again. Sorry for the confusion.'
Confusion?
If I hadn't been such a mess, I would have got up and chinned the bastard.
But I was in no state for anything.
'How long will that take?' I croaked, trying not to throw up.
'Another week.'
'I won't
last
a week,' I said. 'Seriously, doc, I'll have topped myself by then. Is there
any
way of getting it faster?'
'It'll be expensive.'
'I don't care.'
'OK then. I'll get it for you overnight. In the meantime, Mrs Osbourne, I suggest you get a test, too.'
Sharon nodded, her face white.