I Hate This Place: The Pessimist's Guide to Life (2 page)

I don't use clocks to tell time. I use them more as a countdown to see how much time is left in another sad day of my life.

Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, “Boy, things are going just as I always wanted them to?” I didn't think so.

My pet rock is the only one I trust in this world.

I never “live in the past” like some people who go to therapy—the past was bad enough while it was happening.

When my parents told me that there was no Santa Claus, I wasn't surprised. Once I had found out all the other kids got presents from this “Santa,” I put two and two together.

Some people say it's better to give than to receive. When you have cheap friends like mine—it sure is!

I say tomato, you say tomohtoe. I say potato, you say potahtoe. You're wrong.

Some people play the lotto, but instead I pick up pennies. They're out $200 a year, and I’m up $3.12. Suckers!

When people call my name, I automatically assume that they are talking to someone else.

I don't think I’ll ever get married. I can barely accept myself” for better or worse, richer or poorer.”

I think people who run in marathons are crazy.

I wouldn't do it even if I was guaranteed to win.

Sweating like a pig, accepting little cups of water from strangers, and having diarrhea run down my legs in public for a cheap medal just isn't worth it, as far as I’m concerned.

Every one keeps telling me to put more of my hard-earned money into my retirement fund. Why?

So when I’m sixty-five I can afford to have that new hip put in?

I saw the face of death starting back at my today—cold-blooded eyes, hook, and scythe.

I started to panic until I realized it was just a mirror.

I was going to go to Amsterdam, but do I really need to go to a place where there are more legal depressants?

I remember when I was growing up I used to have one of those imaginary friends. The only problem was that he ignored me.

Most kids get excited when it snows, thinking of sleigh riding and snowmen. I used to think of the increased amount of car accidents the snow would bring.

I don't go to “amusement” parks.

Call me crazy, but spinning around in circles and watching kids throw up cotton candy just doesn't amuse me.

I hate public transportation, but here's an effective way to deal with it: Pour coffee on the seat next to you.

Not only can nobody sit there, but you get the joy of seeing everyone's disappointment once they realize they can't sit down.

Whenever I’m stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, “Where did the creator of ‘The Jetsons’ go, and why hasn't he done something about this??”

Chapter Five

Optimistic Advice You Shouldn't Follow

The Early Bird Catches the Worm

Exactly.

Live Each Day as if It Were Your Last

So you want me to lie around in a hospital bed with an I.V. and an oxygen tank? My last day's going to be bad enough without rehashing it day after day!

Keep Your Chin Up

Why—so that everyone can look up your nose?

A Stitch in Time Saves Nine

Save all the time you want stitching. Hiring a tailor not only saves you the nine stitches, but all the time you'd waste trying to thread the needle.

Smoking Is Bad for Your Health

Who died and made these people Surgeon General?

As if the Apocalypse isn't around the corner anyway. Wise up, people!

A Penny Saved Is a Penny Earned

Pennies are worthless.

Don't Put Off ’Till Tomorrow What You Can Do Today

And if you die in your sleep tonight, you wasted your last day on Earth doing laundry.

Life Is What You Make It

So I’m the one to blame for all this?

There's Plenty of Fish in the Sea

And most are like the one who just dumped you.

Shape Up or Ship Out

Shut up.

Chapter Six

Daily Affirmations for the Pessimist

Tomorrow may never come.

I am a rock, and a rock feels no pain.

Apathy is the highest virtue.

If you don't have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.

Don't try beating ‘em or joining ‘em.

Either hand out by yourself, or quit.

Today is another day, just like yesterday was.

Every cloud has a silver lining, and in that lining is probably the rain.

I have absolutely no control of my future.

If I keep my mouth shut, things will go a lot smoother.

Seek, and you shall be disappointed. Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.

Everyone is out to get me.

Life is like a bowl.

Each man is an island.

Another day, another sixty-eight cents.

You win some, I lose some.

Life: live it, you don't have a choice anyway.

Whenever I go, there I am, and I hate this place.

A Final Note from the Pessimist

F
irst of all, I would like to thank you for purchasing and reading this collection of life's ordinary occurrences as seen through my eyes (unless you stole this book or got it as a gift). If I made you look at the world in a different way or made you laugh at my day-to-day realizations, then I did my job. I let you see the world of a pessimist, and as you can probably tell, it's not much fun.

But a word of caution: if the revelations in this book made you feel a bit depressed, then you have read the book wrong. Go back to the start and read it again, remembering that
I’m
the pessimist, not you. If you are still depressed, then you might be a pessimist yourself, and I seriously suggest that you get some help and start reading those meditational “find your soul” type of books. I don't mind helping others, since we pessimists have to stick together. But if you ever see me on the street, please don't say “Hi” because I probably wouldn't want to hear anything you have to say anyway.

Until then, don't keep reaching for the stars, because you'll just look like an idiot, stretching like that for no reason.

Sincerely,

The Pessimist

About the Authors

J
immy Fallon and Gloria Fallon were born a year apart in Brooklyn, New York, to Jim and Gloria Fallon (yes, you read that correctly), and were raised upstate in Saugerties. They both attended college in the Albany area. After college the two Fallons went their separate ways, moving to Los Angeles and Boston respectively.
I Hate This Place
started as cross-country e-mail messages between brother and sister, who were making each other laugh while they were miles apart. With Jimmy's background in comedy and Gloria's background in writing, the two decided to write a book, which is what you are holding now. While they are excited about having their first book published, the Fallons still hate this place.

People seem to enjoy saying “Is this glass half-full or half-empty?” They stop smiling when I say “It'll be empty when I pour it over your head.”

J
IMMY
F
ALLON
is a Grammy Award-nominated comedian and cast member on
Saturday Night Live.
His sister G
LORIA
F
ALLON
is an award-winning writer and fashion columnist based in New York City. They both still hate this place.