I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (10 page)

Afterwards, back down at the tables
:
Junior "What took you so long?
"
Tucker "I got stuck in something. That girl is pretty hot.
"
Junior "No shit. She's incredible in bed.
"
Tucker "I bet.
"

By this time it was around 5pm on Friday. We had an awesome roll th
e
night before, but this day luck was not with us, and I ended up losin
g
like $500. Whatever, I had at least 12 drinks, so I clearly came out o
n
top. Stupid Vegas, they don't know anything
.

The hemorrhaging stopped at 8pm, because my buddy SlingBlad
e
was coming in on a flight. At the airport, I see him come out of baggag
e
claim, and lean out the car window and yell
:

Tucker "SLlNGBLADE- THIS PLACE IS GREAT! WE DON'T EVE
N
HAVE A HOTEL ROOM! JUNIOR FUCKED SOME WHORE AND
I
WON LOTS OF MONEY! WOOOOOOO-HOOOOO!!!
"

SlingBlade "I am getting back on the plane.
"

We ate dinner at the In-N-Out right off the Strip (yes, I am obsessive
-
compulsive), gambled and drank for awhile, and then went to the bi
g
club inside of The Venetian. Junior and I rounded up two women, an
d
of course because they had vaginas SlingBlade hated them and spen
t
the whole time grousing about "whores" and "wanton filth." At som
e
point, the five of us noticed this hilarious scene on the dance floor
:
A stunningly hot girl was casually dancing with one of her femal
e
friends, when this disgusting bald old man came up and started grindin
g
her. Not just dancing next to her mind you; he was freaking her 6t
h
grade negro style. It was ridiculous. She kept turning away, and h
e
kept following, and we kept laughing at him. All of the sudde
n
SlingBlade walked over to the old man as he was trying to wheedle hi
s
way between the girls, pulled him aside, pointed to the exit and said
:

"You sir are a failure in dancing and in life. Please move away from th
e
hot girl." The expression on the hot girl's face was amazing; it was th
e
personification of true love. She was almost in tears laughing, an
d
immediately draped herself all over Sling Blade and gave him a big kis
s
on his cheek. In fact, so many people were laughing that the old ma
n
actually did leave the club
.

The night progresses, and things start going really well with my girl
.

Her hands are down my pants, her tongue is in my ear at the bar an
d
she whispers to me
:
Girl "Is it true nothing counts in Vegas?
"
Tucker "It only counts if you live here.
"
Girl "I am from Cincinnati.
"
Tucker "It counts even less if it's not in a bed.
"
Girl "That is so hot. I've never done that.
"

I immediately pull her into the bathroom hallway, where we start makin
g
out so intensely we could have been giving each other CPR. Thi
s
club, instead of separate men's and women's bathrooms, has four unise
x
bathrooms. And the bathrooms have those really cool type of door
s
that are totally clear glass when unlocked, but frost up when you loc
k
the door
.

Cool bathroom doors aside, I have to find a solution to my dilemma:
I
am drunk and horny with a drunk and horny girl who wants to fuck, bu
t
there are 20 people in front of me waiting to use the bathrooms. I decid
e
that since I am clearly a more important person and have greate
r
immediate need, I can cut the line. I just have to give everyon
e
something in return
.

A door opens and I rush towards it, pulling the girl with me.
A
doucheba
g
guido tries to say something, but I stop him, 'TRUST ME I'I
I
make it worth your while." Before he can protest I push her in and loc
k
the door, and the clear glass immediately frosts up. She grabs me an
d
plants a sloppy drunken kiss on me
:

"Fuck me so hard I forget my name.
"

You don't have to tell me twice. I spin her around and bend her ove
r
the sink, rip her Victoria's Secret panties as I pull them down he
r
legs, and slam into her like Dale Earnhardt into the wall at Daytona
.
But as I thrust back and forth, my subconscious takes me out of th
e
moment
:

"Tucker, you have a promise to a guido to fulfill." Stupid fuckin
g
subconscious
.

I look around and try to think of something
.

The way the bathroom is set up, the toilet is on the back wall directl
y
across from the door, and the sink is on the wall to the left, so as sh
e

is bent over the sink and I fuck her from behind, I am positioned betwee
n
the toilet and the frosted glass door. Then it hits me: Righ
t
there, in front of my face, is the lock for the door. Hello, payback
.
I turn it open and the door immediately goes from frosted to clear.
A
few of the people in line turn to look at the door expecting it to open ..
.
but instead see me hammering away at this girl. I smile and lock it back
.
No way. Did I just give all those people a shot of me having sex
?

A few more thrusts, and I click it open again. The glass clears, but thi
s
time there are four people standing there. They all stare in shock.
I
give them a smile and a pump and lock it back again
.

Unlockthe door
.

Eight people standing there. I start spanking her. They cheer loudly
.
HOLY SHIT! HOW COOL IS THIS
!

Lock it back
.

Unlock the door
.

A dozen people standing there. I do the 'look ma, no hands.' The
y
cheer rowdily. WHO'S THE MAN NOW
?

Lock it back
.

Unlock the door
.

More than a dozen people standing there. I grab her hair and span
k
her like a rented mule. They cheer wildly. I AM A SUPERSTAR
!
THIS IS AWESOME
!

Lock it back
.

I start to wonder: what do I like more, the sex or audience? I don'
t
care. I should go into porn. After all, it's not the size of the dick that'
s
important, it's the size of the crowd that the dick attracts
.

I unlock it and lock it back over and over, giving them some differen
t
variation of the show each time; pulling her hair, putting my finger i
n
her ass, pushing her clothes off, throwing toilet paper on her. Everythin
g
I do gets me more cheers from more people there each time
.

God I love being on stage. The best part is that the girl doesn't even notice; the only part that unfrosts is the door, and except for her ass she wasn't in front of the door. She could have just been an ass sticking out of the wall for all the crowd could tell.

By the tenth time I unlocked the door, there were at least 30 people crowded around watching me fire my cock into this girl. I'm getting close to cumming and I decide that for my big finish, I am going to shoot my load on the glass right as I unlock the door. I start pumping harder and harder, and right before I cum I pinch the bottom of my cock (to stop the cum from shooting before I am ready), turn towards the door and simultaneously splooge on it as I unlock the door, giving the crowd my best
O
face. WHAT A FINISH!

I didn't see him at first because I was caught up in the effect of my orgasm, but he came into my vision pretty quickly.

Instead of 30 people shocked to see me shooting a five-roper on the door ... there was a huge 6'5" black bouncer, arms crossed on his chest, with a 12-inch Mag-Lite in his hand.

His eyes met mine, then he glanced down at the load shooting onto the door, and his eyes came back to mine. We shared a moment. A moment of complete and utter shock.

That shared moment ended quickly. I think the precise second it ended can be pinpointed to when he slammed his shoulder into the door, flinging it open and smashing it right into my face. Dick in my hand and pants still at my ankles, seeing stars, I stumble backwards ... and land right in the toilet.

In case you were wondering, toilet water feels exceptionally cold against a bare ass.

The bouncer storms in, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

He had the Mag-Lite half raised and I am convinced that had the girl not been there, he would have introduced it to my head in a violent and ferocious collision. Thankfully, she came to my rescue: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

I guess he hadn't seen her in his rush to hurt me, because the bouncer jumped in shock. I took this opportunity to pull myself out of the toilet,

and ass still wet, put my pants back on
.

I tried to run, but I doubt Barry Sanders in his prime could have shoo
k
this guy. He was not only big and athletic, but his tackle showed perfec
t
form, even despite the fact that he nearly slipped on the girl's tor
n
panties laying on the floor. I would have complimented his flawles
s
technique, but I had problems breathing through what felt like broke
n
ribs and a collapsed lung
.

He grabbed me by the shirt and basically dragged me across th
e
dance floor. All I could do was muster a weak, "Help!" but thankfull
y
SlingBlade and Junior saw me and came to my rescue. Well, they didn'
t
stop the bouncer from dragging me out of the bar, so it wasn't really
a
rescue. It was more of a "We'll just watch and hope they don't bea
t
Tucker any worse" type of rescue. I get kicked out of bars all the time
,
but this was the first time that I was actually thrown-physically throw
n
through the air-out of a place. And people say old school Vegas i
s
dead
.

Even though the seat of my pants was still soaked from my wet ass
,
we went to another casino and drank at the center bar for an hour o
r
so, just to decompress and digest the events that just happened
.
Sling Blade has the intestinal fortitude of a premature newborn, and h
e
was not handling the combination of alcohol, In-N-Out and stress ver
y
well, so we decided to go to a diner-type place in the casino to get hi
m
some coffee
.

It was about 4am Saturday at this point, and this place already had it
s
breakfast buffet out. Junior and I immediately got plates and sat down
.
Greasy eggs and pork fat spilling over the edges of the plates. Whe
n
the smell caught SlingBlade, he winced and turned grey. I thought
I
was being funny at the time
:

"That's not a good smell if you're feeling queasy. Well, whatever yo
u
do, don't think about greasy, fatty barbecue sandwiches with gobs o
f
melting butter on top. And a full ashtray dumped on it.
"

SlingBlade immediately leaned over and vomited all over the booth
.
Tucker "OH SHIT!
"
Junior "WHY DID YOU SAY THAT!
"
Tucker "I DON'T KNOW!
"