I Kissed Dating Goodbye (20 page)

the crucible of marriage

The Ricuccis' final point needs our extra attention. They write:

Marriage is a refining process. Conflict will occur in every marriage. When issues erupt between the two of you, it will be easy for one to blame the other. "If you would just leave the air conditioner on when it gets this hot, I wouldn't get upset!" The fact is, your spouse won't make you sin. They simply reveal what's already in your heart. One of the best wedding gifts God will give you is a full length mirror called your spouse. If He were to attach a card it would say, "Here's to helping you discover what you're really like. Congratulations!"

From a distance, singles see the glow of married life and think only of how it will warm them. And in many ways it will. But we forget that God wants to use the fire of marriage to not only comfort us, but refine and cleanse us from our selfishness and sin. We come to warm our hands by the fire of marriage; God wants to throw us into it!

I don't want to give (or believe!) the idea that marriage will be all pain and discomfort. But marriage won't be unending bliss and personal fulfillment either, and if we don't realize this,

184 joshua harris our experience of marriage will be extremely uncomfortable. Mike Mason, in his book The Mystery of Marriage, writes: "Holy matrimony like other holy orders, was never intended as a comfort station for lazy people. On the contrary, it is a systematic program of deliberate and thoroughgoing self-sacrifice... Marriage is really a drastic course of action.. .x is a radical step and is not intended for anyone who is not prepared, indeed eager, to surrender his own will and to be wholeheartedly submissive to the will of another."

As quickly as possible, we must dispel any selfish notions that marriage is about what we can get instead of what we can give.

the fine print of dreams

Advice columnist Ann Landers once gave some helpful advice regarding the work marriage involves. One of her readers lamented the unrealistic ideas many girls had of marriage, beseeching, "Why don't you level with them, Ann?"

I tell them that all marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that's tough. I tell them that a good marriage is not a gift, It's an achievement.

That marriage is not for kids. It takes guts and maturity. It separates the men from the boys and the women from

the girls. I tell them that marriage is tested daily by the ability to

compromise. Its survival can depend on being smart enough to know

ready for the sack but not for the sacrifice 185 what's worth fighting about. Or making an issue of

or even mentioning.

Marriage is giving--and more important, it's forgiving. And it is almost always the wife who must do these

things. Then, as if that were not enough, she must be willing to

forget what she forgave. Often that is the hardest part. Oh, I have leveled all right. If they don't get my message, Buster, It's because they don't want to get it. Rose-colored glasses are never made in bifocals Because nobody wants to read the small print in dreams.

In our daydreams about marriage, we too often forget what a drastic course of action marriage really is. We read the captivating headlines but neglect to read the exacting fine print. What does the fine print say? That good marriages require work, patience, self-discipline, sacrifice, and submission. That successful marriages take "guts and maturity" and, we should add, a biblical understanding of God's purpose and plan for it. Only when we cultivate these qualities and disciplines can we carry out our responsibilities and experience true joy and fulfillment in marriage.

man enough to answer

I want to close this chapter with a challenge to young men. While Ann Landers' advice to girls calls them to awaken from childish dreams and realize that marriage takes work, the following poem, entitled "A Woman's Question" by Lena Lathrop, speaks particularly to men. It still chills me every time I read it.

stopping me in my tracks and daring me to be man enough to treat a woman right. Some of the poem's wording might seem,

old-fashioned, but the message is timeless. Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing

Ever made by the Hand above?

A woman's heart, and a woman's life--

And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing As a child might ask for a toy? Demanding what others have died to win, With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out, Manlike, you have questioned me. Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot, Your socks and your shirt be whole; I require your heart be true as God's stars And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef, I require a far greater thing; A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts-- I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home, And a man that his Maker, God,

ready for the sack but not for the sacrifice 187 Shall look upon as He did on the first And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade From this soft young cheek one day; Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves, As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true, I may launch my all on its tide? A loving woman finds heaven or hell On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true, All things that a man should be; If you give this all, I would stake my life To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook You can hire and little to pay; But a woman's heart and a woman's life Are not to be won that way.

To girls reading this book, I pray this poem serves as a reminder to keep your standards high. Require all things that are "grand and true." As you consider the possibility of marriage, don't lower

Just

188 joshua harris right to make such a request by striving to be men of integrity-- men whose hearts are oceans "strong and true." Then, and only then, should we stand at the bars of a woman's soul and ask to gain entrance.

chapter fourteen character qualities and attitudes that matter most in a life partner

As I ponder the foreverness of marriage, one question keeps rattling through my mind: "What qualities should I look for in a wife?" Perhaps you wonder the same thing as you consider spending the rest of your life with one special person. What would make someone the perfect mate for you?

When I think of that question, I know the answer entails many deep, internal characteristics, but in everyday life, I still find it difficult to get past the superficial. A cute girl walks in the room, and all my common sense evaporates. How many times have I made a complete fool of myself by falling head over heels for someone simply because of her charm and beauty? Too many times.

To cure this tendency, I've created a little game. When I meet a beautiful girl and I'm tempted to be overly impressed by her external features, I try to imagine what this girl will look like when she is fifty years old. (if this girl is with her mother, this game doesn't take too much imagination.) This girl may be young and pretty now, but what happens when the beauty fades? Does anything within her beckon to me? Is it her character

190 joshua harris that radiates and draws me toward her, or is it just the fact that her summer dress shows off a little too much of her tan? So what if her feminine outline captures my eye today? When pregnancies add stretch marks and the years add extra pounds, will something in this girl's soul continue to attract me?

things that last

We're too easily impressed by image;

God wants us to value qualities that will last. Wisely choosing a marriage partner requires that we get back to the essentials of a person's character and attitude.

In this chapter we'll look at the character qualities and attitudes important in a spouse. But as we do so, we also want to ask, "Am I cultivating these in my own life?" Let's be careful to maintain a humble attitude of self-examination. We need to not only concentrate on finding the right person but, more important, on becoming the right person ourselves.

character

"Character is what you are in the dark when no one but God is watching," writes Randy Alcorn. "Anyone can look good in front of an audience, or even in front of their friends," he con what matters at fifty? 191

tinues. "It's an entirely different thing to stand naked before God, to be known as you truly are on the inside." We don't define a person's true character by the image that person wishes to convey or the reputation he or she hides behind, but by the choices and decisions that person has made and makes each day.

It takes real wisdom to observe a person's character. It also takes time. William Davis writes, "Your reputation is learned in an hour; your character does not come to light for a year."

glimpses of true character

How do we evaluate a person's character? How do we get past image and reputation to catch a glimpse of who a person really is?

As we evaluate someone's character (including our own), we need to carefully observe three areas--how the individual relates to God, the way he or she treats others, and the way this person disciplines his or her personal life. These areas are like windows

1. How a Person Relates to God

A person's relationship to God is the defining relationship in his or her life--when this relationship is out of order, every other relationship will suffer. Scripture plainly states that a Christian should not even consider a non-Christian for a spouse. "Don't team up with those who are unbelievers," the Bible says (2 Corinthians 6:14, NLT). Both you and the person you marry

192 joshua harris must have a dynamic, growing, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. The question is not merely "Are you and a potential spouse saved?" but rather "Are both of you in love with Jesus Christ? Will you place Him even before each other?"

"This is one of those beautiful paradoxes of biblical truth," write David Powlison and John Yenchkq. "If you love and want your spouse more than anything, you will end up selfish, fearful, bitter, or disillusioned. If you love Jesus more than anything else, you will really love and enjoy your spouse. You will be someone worth marrying!"

Once in a conversation about relationships, two Christian girls told me that they find focus on God one of the most attractive qualities in a guy. "It's obvious when he really loves the Lord," my friend Sarah said. "When he's telling you about his love for God, you can tell that he's not distracted by you."

"Exactly!" affirmed Jayme. "It's funny because the guys that really go out of their way to impress girls don't impress me at all. They make me nauseated."

Look for, and work on becoming, a man or woman who, as a single, seeks God wholeheartedly, putting Him before anything else. Don't worry about impressing the opposite sex. Instead, strive to please and glorify God. Along the way you'll catch the attention of people with the same priorities.

2. How a Person Relates to Others

The second window to a person's character is his or her relationships with others. Watch how a potential partner (and you) relate to the following people: