I Kissed Dating Goodbye (21 page)

Parents. You've probably heard this sage advice before: "The way a guy treats his mom is the way he'll treat his wife." It's true. The same goes for the way a girl relates to her dad. I'm not saying that a person who has had a bad relationship with his or her dad or mom can't have a good marriage. By God's grace we can overcome old patterns. But we do need to ask, "If he can't be loving and gentle with his mom, why should I believe he'll be loving and gentle with me as his wife?" or "If she can't respect her dad, will she be able to respect me as her husband?"

Don't forget to evaluate your own life. How do you relate to your parents? Can you improve the way you interact with them so you'll know how to honor your future spouse? If you'd redly like the answer to these questions, ask your parents to tell you their perspectives on your relationship with them.

The opposite sex. There's a huge difference between genuine friendliness and flirtatiousness. Learn to distinguish between the two. No one wants to marry a flirt. Guys, if a girl flits like a butterfly from one guy to the next, always in need of male attention, do you really think marriage will suddenly change her? Girls, do you want to marry a man with a wandering eye? And what about yourself? Where do you stand on the friendly flirtatious scale? Do you need to change your attitudes and actions toward members of the opposite sex?

Companions. A person's companions are the people who influence and shape him or her. In this category, the way someone treats his or her friends is not as important as who these friends are. A. Will Tozer observed, "There is a law of moral attraction that draws every man to the society most like himself.

3. Personal Discipline

The third window to character is how a person disciplines and conducts his or her personal life. "Habit," writes Charlotte Mason, "is the greater part of nature." The things we do involuntarily, almost without thinking, reveal our character.

When we consider this category, we need to note the difference between sinful habits and simply annoying habits or poor manners. Everyone has habits that another person will find silly or irritating. My dad drives my mother crazy with the way he eats corn on the cob. His method is reminiscent of an old typewriter: Munch, munch, munch, munch, kaching! Munch, munch, munch down the next row. This may not be the best table manners, but it isn't a sinful habit. Instead of concerning ourselves with issues such as these, we need to examine whether a potential spouse (or we ourselves) fosters habits that are disobedient to God or revealing of a deeper disregard for others.

The following are a few areas in which a person's habits give us a glimpse into his or her character. Watch these closely in your own life, too.

How a person uses time. I heard

Elisabeth Elliot give a speech in which she said that one of the things that first attracted her

what matters at fifty? 195 to Jim Elliot was the fact that he memorized Scripture as he waited in the cafeteria line. That observation told her that Jim was disciplined and efficient.

The way a person spends his or her leisure time tells us what he or she values. Does this person fill free time with mindless hours in front of the TV? Does this person cultivate his or her mind and build relationships, or does he or she run to the next distraction? Seek to find someone (and to be the kind of person) who uses time wisely.

How he or she handles money. The way a

How he or she takes care of his or her body. We should not fault a person because of things he or she cannot control-- height, features, and in some cases weight. Neither should we be overly concerned with the external. However, the way a person cares for his or her body tells us something about that persons character.

First, how does this person dress? A girl who dresses immodestly may catch guys' attention, but what does her clothing say about her heart? A guy who spends his money on the latest style may have the appearance of "togetherness," but his infatuation

196 joshua harris with fashion could mean he's too preoccupied with what people think of him (and that he may make poor decisions with his money).

Next, how does this person care for his or her body? Does he or she have self-disciplined eating habits? Does he or she have a reasonable and consistent program of staying fit? God wants us to maintain the health and condition of our bodies so that we can more effectively serve Him. This does not mean, however, that we should become obsessed with exercise. A person who is too concerned about weight lifting is just as out of balance as the person who doesn't exercise at all.

How would you stand up to evaluation in this category? Is there room for improvement in your life?

the impact of attitude

Attitude is the second essential criteria in choosing a spouse. Attitude is a person's vantage point, the way he or she looks at and reacts to life. For the Christian, this involves more than mere positive thinking. A godly attitude involves God-centered, Bible-based thinking--working to view ourselves, others, and our circumstances from

An attitude 0" willing obedience to God. As you seek a mate, look for someone who will listen and act without hesitation to what God is telling him or her. You want someone with an attitude like David's, saying to God, "I will hurry, without lingering, to obey your commands" (psalm 119:60, nlt). An attitude of willing obedience recognizes the lordship of Jesus in every area of life. Is the person you're interested in consistently looking for ways to submit more of his or her life to God? Does he

what matters at fifty? 197 or she work to overcome bad habits? Is this person being conformed to tds culture, or does he or she push against it, seeking to be transformed into Christ's image?

Are you working to develop an obedient attitude in your own life? You'll never be perfect or find a perfect mate--we're all sinners--but only people with an attitude of willing obedience to God's Word will continue to grow in godliness and maturity throughout their lives.

An attitude of humility. An attitude of humility considers others' needs first. The Bible states, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves" (philippians 2:3). Does the person you're observing place the needs of others before his or her own? Watch the small things. When he's on the basketball court, how does he act? Even in competition does he seek to serve others? How does she respond when conflict arises in her family? Is she quick to blame the other party or humble enough to share blame and seek resolution? And how do you handle these situations?

One of the things I respect most about my dad is his willingness to humble himself before my mom and the rest of my family by confessing sin. If he has spoken a harsh word or acted uncaringly, he doesn't hesitate to seek forgiveness. A lesser man can't do this.

Two people don't keep a marriage strong because they never make mistakes; they keep a marriage strong by maintaining an attitude of humility that is quick to confess sin, put the other first, and seek forgiveness.

An attitude of industriousness. Don't

In Proverbs 31:17 the noble wife is described as someone who "sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." (of course industriousness is important for both men and women.) Look for someone who energetically invests his or her life in something important right now. Strive for this attitude in yourself, too.

An attitude of contentment and hopefulness. An attitude of contentment and hopefulness is one that recognizes God's sovereignty in every situation. It is faith-birthed optimism that looks to God--an attitude more aware of and grateful for the evidence of God's grace than of problems needing correction.

Here are a few important questions to ask about the person you're observing as well as about yourself: Does this person have complaint or praise on his or her lips? Does he or she nitpick at the faults of others or consistently encourage? Does this person view his or her circumstances with a spirit of hopelessness, or does he or she remain confident of God's faithfulness?

Early in his marriage, the Reverend E. Very Hill and his wife, Jane, faced financial difficulty. He had foolishly invested in a service station, and the business had failed. Money was very tight. Dr. Dobson, who heard Reverend Hill share their story at Jane's funeral, recounts it this way:

Shortly after the fiasco with the service station, E. Very came home one night and found the house dark. When he opened the door, he saw that Jane had prepared a candlelight dinner for two.

"What meaneth thou this?" he said with characteristic humor.

what matters at fifty? 199

"Well," said Jane, "we're going to eat by candlelight tonight."

E. Very thought that was a great idea and went into the bathroom to wash his hands. He tried

Dr. Hill described his wife's words with intense emotion: "She could have said, "I've never been in this situation before. I was reared in the home of Dr. Caruthers, and we never had our lights cut off." She could have broken my spirit; she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me. But instead she said, "Somehow or another we'll get these lights on. But let's eat tonight by candlelight.""

Tears come to my eyes every time I read this story. Mrs. Hill's optimism and readiness to walk through tough times with her husband exemplify the two qualities I desire in my own life and pray for most in a wife. I'm looking for someone who will light candles, not just curse the darkness.

the cliff

I've shared all these characteristics and attitudes in hopes of clarifying what really matters in a spouse--what to look for in another person and what to work on in our own lives. We should not use these qualities to bash the opposite sex or as an

200 joshua harris excuse to avoid marriage. No one will achieve perfection in all the areas we've explored. For the man who expects to find someone who is perfect, Benjamin Tillett had this quip: "God help the man who won't marry until he finds the perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her."

We will never find the perfect spouse. If we did, why would he or she want to marry an imperfect person like you or me? Benjamin Franklin said, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage--half shut afterward." Marriage requires faith in God's provision and a willingness to forgive imperfections--the mercy needed to keep our eyes "half shut" to the flaws.

One young guy e-mailed me about his fear regarding marriage: "How can I possibly get to know a person well enough before marriage to know if they're right? It seems like getting married is like jumping off a cliff." In one sense he's right. Marriage will