I Know It's Over (5 page)

“Not much,” Sasha replied. “Just what I was telling you before.” Right, the sailing. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say about that. There was a big black hole surrounding our conversation. I shouldn’t have chased after her in the first place. There was probably a reason we never talked.
Nothing. To. Say.
The whole thing was making me feel uptight, and that was the last thing I needed—the ruination of my pre-summer vibes. “You and Nathan should drop by the lake sometime,” she continued. “I can get you into the beach for free.”

“What about Keelor?”

Sasha shot me an impatient look:
Can we stop backsliding on this, Nick?
“I think not,” she said, sounding like Ms. Raines, the voice of maturity and intellect.

“I’m just kidding.” I smiled to prove it. “Yeah, I’ll tell Nate. And you know where I am if you’re looking for me.” The truth was that I couldn’t get a read on Sasha. Telling me I was a total dick wasn’t the best way to get me to visit her at the lake. I touched Sasha’s shoulder, determined to leave this time and feeling all the better for it. “Have a good summer, okay?”

“Yeah, you too.” She jammed her nine-year-old-girl hands into her pockets and nodded at me.

“Yeah,” I repeated, and sailed down the hallway, already recovering. Complications were not on my summer program. I wanted the complete opposite of that, to drift from one event to the next with no apologies or explanations. Pure. Unplanned. Perfect. Nobody talking me into anything or feeding me guilt trips. I wanted things easy for my sixteenth summer.

I swung by Keelor’s locker on the way to Media Arts, ears ripe for whatever had put that dirty grin on his mouth.
Everybody’s got a dirty mind,
that’s what Sasha said at the mall. So what’s wrong with thinking out loud?
Shut up,
I said to myself.
Who gives a shit what she thinks?

“Yo.” Keelor nudged my shoulder. “Wondered if I’d find you here. You disappeared in a hurry.” We stopped in front of his closed locker, ready for business.

“So what’s for my ears only?” I asked, shrugging off the last hour.

“Oh, man, lucky you.” Keelor smiled gleefully as he hugged the news to himself. “You’ll love this, man, but you can’t know, okay? Act surprised when she does it.”

“Keelor, what?” My voice strained like a rubber band pulled taut. I hadn’t guessed this was about me; that cranked the suspense up two notches.

“Right.” Keelor composed himself as best he could, which wasn’t saying much. “So you want to know what I heard.” He lowered his voice and slanted his head towards mine. “This comes from Vix, so it’s reliable.” He paused, the two of us listening for a silent drumroll. “Word is Dani’s going to give you something special at the party tomorrow.”

My jaw dropped. I clamped my mouth shut and gripped my notebook. “Shut up,” I said incredulously. “If this is a joke…”

“No joke.” Keelor was grinning at me with an almost-fatherly pride.
My best friend, about to receive his first blow job.
Few moments are quite so emotional. “You think I’d joke about something like that?”

“Why would she say that?” I wondered aloud. My body was humming underneath its skin, waiting.

“She wanted technical advice, from the sound of it.” Keelor’s hand clapped my shoulder. “You didn’t hear this from me, right? Just sit back and let it happen.” Keelor laughed and leaned against his locker. “You look like you’re in shock, man.” His eyebrows knit together. “Shit, I hope she doesn’t change her mind now. That’d really be a drag.”

“Yeah.” I didn’t say it so much as breathe it.
Yeah.
This is exactly what I meant about drifting. Things happen on their own sometimes, without a push from anybody. Answers change and then change again. Maybe this time I’d be on the right side of that. Maybe the perfect summer would start at that party: Dani in her belly-button ring, her long blond hair fanned behind her back, doing what I’d been waiting for. I leaned against the locker next to Keelor’s and beamed at him, feeling like mid-July sun, about sixty-two degrees from numb.

four

Dani and I
started spending some more time together after the party, nothing official—a few solo visits to her place and one trip to the movies. You could say it was partly pleasure and partly obligation. The balance seemed all right with the both of us. She wasn’t the kind of person to start laying down rules as soon as things got sexual. The only thing she had to know was that I wasn’t fooling around with anyone else. Hanging out with her every now and then was a good idea too. I didn’t want her thinking I was abusing our friendship.

Before you start getting the wrong idea, I better make it clear that we never slept together. Other sexual activities went on, but we never did the deed. Sometimes I wondered if I really wanted to. I was a little worried that the rules would change, close in on me until we were practically engaged. I didn’t want Dani becoming friends with Holland and my mom, picking out clothes for me, and calling me to complain about her summer job. I’d probably have been more excited about the idea of sleeping together if there was a guarantee against that scenario. That went along with my other worry, which was that right afterwards I’d want to do someone else, one of the long-legged girls with windblown hair that came into Sports 2 Go looking for cross-trainers. I hadn’t made up my mind about that, but I didn’t want to go messing it up with Dani if that turned out to be the case. Remaining relatively unattached seemed like the answer to everything.

“You don’t want the girlfriend,” Nathan said over the phone one night. “You just want the sex.” It sounded like an accusation, but Nathan wasn’t usually judgmental.

“I don’t know what I want,” I told him. “Maybe I’m not in a hurry to find out.”

“Oh, please,” Nathan said. “Of course you’re in a hurry. You’re just like Keelor. The two of you are natural predators.”

Coming from Nathan, that wasn’t a compliment. The three of us were old friends. Emphasis on the word
old.
They only saw each other in my presence now. I was the glue holding us together, or pretending to anyway. I don’t know why we continued with the charade, unless it was for my sake. I was pretty sentimental about the three of us; we’d celebrated so many wins together and complained about careless plays that cost us, but we weren’t just about hockey. I could count on them and they could count on me.

Keelor was great during my parents’ split—a constant distraction, never letting me sit around to mope about Dad’s sudden departure. At one point Mom had even asked me to stop spending so much time at Keelor’s because “we need to take a little time to adjust to this as a family.” She’d really pissed me off with that. Why couldn’t she realize that what I was doing was helping me? Her words certainly didn’t help. All they meant was the three of us sitting around realizing we were alone. I spent a lot of time on the phone and IMing Nathan, complaining about those words. He was easier to talk to than Keelor.

The three of us had our ups and downs, like anybody. Nathan had been having a rough time since he’d quit hockey. His dad was this former goalie, barrel of a guy who had no time for other guys that didn’t play sports. You can guess how he took it when Nathan gave up hockey, although sometimes I wonder if his dad’s attitude was the real reason he packed it in. Sometimes you do things to piss people off, even if you don’t want to, even if it hurts you. If you figure it hurts them more, it feels worth it.

Most of that is beside the point, which is that I wasn’t a “natural predator.” I’ll admit I was horny, but if I was really a predator, I’d have done it with Dani and not given it a second thought. Me, I had plenty of second thoughts. Third ones even.

“That’s what you think?” I said. “Basically I’m an asshole.”

“
Now you’re offended.
I never said that, Nick. You’re obviously just not ready for a one-on-one relationship, that’s all I’m saying.”

“And you’re saying it like it’s a bad thing.” The least judgmental person I knew was judging me; of course I was offended.

“You know Keelor would’ve taken that comment as a compliment.”

“Didn’t sound like one,” I snapped. “Maybe you’re getting confused about who you’re talking to. Maybe you want to call Keelor and catch up. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“You know it has.” Nathan sighed into the phone. “Look, maybe I’m just jealous.”

“What’re you talking about?”

“Well…” Nathan paused on the other end of the phone, masses of laughter spluttering out from his bedroom TV. “You have all this choice. You could be with Dani or you could be with one of these girls you’re always meeting. It’s not hard to find someone, is it? All you have to do is walk out the door and bingo, there’s someone ready to be your next girlfriend.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I cut in, completely missing the point.

“Yeah, well, whatever. You could if you wanted. You could practically have anybody, Nick.”

“You could meet someone.” My stomach did one of those roller-coaster dips, anticipating his reply. “Everybody likes you.”

“Not the people I really like,” he said. “I can’t even tell them how I feel.” More laughter erupted from Nathan’s TV, filling the silence. He’s trying to figure out if he can tell me, I thought, and I don’t have a clue what to say.

“Okay,” I said gravely, as though we’d decided something in that moment of silence. “Okay.”
Let’s get this over with.

“That French guy I told you about at work, Xavier,” he continued. “Yesterday I overheard him talking to one of the waitresses, and you know what he was saying?”

“What?” My throat dropped deeper into my stomach.

“He was saying, ‘That young faggot from the kitchen keeps following me around, looking lovesick.’ But I’m not, Nick.” Nathan’s voice chafed through the phone line. “I’m not following him around. The truth is I hate his guts. He’s full of himself because he’s good-looking. And that must be how he knows—he must see me staring at him, because I have been.” Nathan whispered those last words. “I fucking hate him, but I can’t help it.”

Okay, I thought. So there it is. Out loud for the first time. “It’s okay, Nate.” My words lined up shoulder to shoulder, firm and steady. “Everybody has their own weird situations, right?” Like Sasha and me miscommunicating in the school hall.

“Yeah, but this is
really
weird, Nick.” He sounded scared. I would be too. This was no small thing he was confessing.

“It’s as weird as you let it be.” I wasn’t used to being on this side of the conversation with Nathan, and I didn’t want to let him down. “He doesn’t know anything for sure, right? You didn’t say anything to him?”

“No, but he’s right. I’m attracted to him.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I insisted. “He doesn’t know for sure.”

“But it’s not just him. It’s everyone. It’s…can I ever like anybody and show it or…” Nathan’s voice hollowed into nothing, then began again, so soft that I had to strain to hear. “Do I have to be this neutral, sexless thing all my life?”

Silence stretched out uncomfortably between us. I hadn’t thought about it like that, the way other people’s restrictions could limit you. Then Nathan, sounding so close he could’ve been standing right next to me, said, “Did you know?”

“I wasn’t sure.”

“I was, but I didn’t know what to do about it,” he said wearily.

“So what’re you gonna do now?”

Nathan laughed. “Maybe I’ll try the news out on Keelor as a test run for my dad. What do you think?”

“I think Keelor might’ve guessed too.”

“Good,” Nathan declared. “That should make it easier.”

I never mentioned Sasha or the lake to Nathan. I didn’t forget, but I figured no further action was required on my part. Surely Sasha would run into Nathan and ask him herself eventually. Maybe he’d drop by and tell her everything, the way he’d told me, or maybe he’d keep it between the three of us awhile longer. He didn’t seem to have decided on a course of action yet. He spent a lot of time at this gay and lesbian teen message board, reading about other people’s issues. He told me about a different one every time we talked: the Pakistani guy whose thirteen-year-old sister came to visit him every week although his family had disowned him, an eighteen-year-old girl who was having threesomes because she had more fun with the other girls than with her boyfriend, a fourteen-year-old who’d made out with his best friend when they were drunk and was too scared to talk it out with him.

Keelor confided that the whole thing was freaking him out, that it was “a tough weight for Nathan to be dragging around, but I don’t know what to say to him.” Personally I didn’t think it mattered so much what we said as long as we were listening. I admit some of the details were too much for me, and Nathan appeared to sense that and censor himself, like the time he started describing Xavier—how his gypsy looks and the strong Quebec accent that rolled around in the back of his throat gave Nathan the impression of “sexual ferocity.”

“You said he was an asshole,” I reminded him.

“He is,” he admitted, then abruptly changed the subject.

Nathan’s revelation was only the second surprise of the summer (Dani’s change of heart being the first). I had some summer day shifts at Sports 2 Go, filling in for people on vacation. The days were lazier than the nights. There was time to restock the shelves and take extended breaks (whenever Brian, the manager, wasn’t around). That probably sounds like a good thing, but in actuality it was pretty boring. Too many hours to make stupid chitchat with customers and listen to Grayson lay out the details of his latest sexual adventure. Sometimes you think you like someone only because you haven’t spent enough time around him or her to learn otherwise.

Grayson was giving me the lowdown for the second time that week, oozing with overconfidence and eyeing the female customers like half the world was his to conquer. Sasha would hate this guy, I thought, nodding and frowning at him at the same time. I don’t act like this. I hadn’t even told anyone, aside from Keelor and Nathan, about Dani and me.