I Know It's Over (7 page)

Dad once said that was the difference between us—that Holland repeated something until she could do it perfectly and I assumed whatever I was doing was perfect from the start. He was angry with me when he said that. Keelor and I had taken out his mother’s car and dented it trying to put it back in the garage. Mom told Dad he shouldn’t say things like that because he’d give me a complex. “You criticize his confidence and glory in your own arrogance,” she said. That was when I was fourteen, before he left.

“What’re you thinking?” Sasha asked, lying down on Nathan’s towel. “You look a million miles away. You look like that a lot, you know that?”

“I didn’t know that,” I said. “Maybe I have ADD or something.”

Sasha turned on her side and stared at me. “Are you wondering why you showed up?”

“Of course not. It’s just kinda weird being here with you asking me these questions when I hardly know you.” I took a sip of warm soda and blinked at her. “I guess I’m trying to figure you out.”

“So what do you want to know?” she asked.

“Just like that? Twenty questions?”

“Well, maybe not.” She tried to smile, but it only part-worked. “You’re making me nervous. Is that what you want?”

“You make me nervous too.” Surprise cut into my voice. “Did you know I was watching you in English?” Her honesty made me daring. She looked amazing lying there on Nathan’s towel, her suit clinging to her body like a sleek second skin.

“Were you really?” she said quickly.

“Yeah.” I reached over and stroked her arm. It was flecked with freckles and golden from the sun. “I don’t know what you want from me. What happens now that I’m here?”

Sasha laughed and looked down at her arm. “I have no idea.”

“I thought you always knew what you were doing. You had all the answers in English class.”

“Not really,” she said. “I just like to discuss things. There’re lots of classes where you don’t have the chance. Math is rules. Science is fact.”

“You don’t like science?”

“No, I do. It’s just different.” She explained that her dad was a doctor and that she’d inherited his scientific brain. She said she wanted to get into forensics because there were definite answers waiting to be uncovered, but at the same time there was this other side of her personality that liked ambiguity and that’s where English class came in. “I like stories that don’t tell you everything, that leave you room to think. Dreams are a bit like that. You never know exactly what they mean. Like last night I had a dream that my brother had an eagle and there was a storm coming and I knew it had something to do with the bird. I was so scared. I was sitting in my room waiting for this storm to hit and nobody else in my family was even worried. It was weird. Do you remember what you dreamt last night?”

“I don’t usually remember,” I said. In this case I actually did remember, but the information wasn’t suitable for her ears. I told her about a dream I’d had last week instead. I was skating on the biggest natural outdoor rink you can imagine, but when it was time to go home, I couldn’t remember where I lived. The harder I tried to remember, the more panicked I got.

Sasha was quiet. She rolled onto her chest and said, “I wonder why it’s always easier to remember the bad dreams.”

“There’s probably more of them,” I guessed.

“I hope that’s not true. Couldn’t it be because they’re distressing?”

“I guess it could be that. This is very philosophical for a day at the beach.”

“Don’t you think about stuff like that?” she asked.

“Sure.” I shrugged. “It just doesn’t usually come up in conversation.”

Nathan returned around about then, his hair dripping and the back of his shoulders a painful shade of pink. “You’re starting to fry,” Sasha warned. He collapsed onto his towel next to Sasha, cold drops landing on her legs.

“Ahh!” she yelped, flipping onto her back. “Nice and cool!”

Nathan held his body over hers and shook his head vigorously, like a wet dog. Tiny drops of water landed on her swimsuit, her arms, and her shoulder blades. Sasha laughed and punched him on the shoulder. It was kind of erotic to watch and sent my brain spinning in wild directions. I’d have been jealous if I didn’t know the truth about Nathan. In fact, I’d probably have been mad at him.

“I’m going in,” I announced, already on my feet. I walked down to the water, waded in up to my waist, then threw myself in and swam out to the raft. That’s probably where Nathan had gotten his burn, sitting on the diving raft to give me and Sasha a chance to talk. I hoisted myself onto the wooden raft and dove back into the lake. I was like a dolphin in the water; I could swim forever without getting tired, and for a while I did just that, launching myself repeatedly into the water and swimming effortlessly back to the raft. When my head was finally clear, I swam back to shore and joined Nathan and Sasha on the beach.

“We thought you were never coming back,” Nathan joked.

“I was getting hot,” I said. One hundred percent true.

Nathan nodded. “I have to get going. That shift at the restaurant, you know?”

No, I didn’t know, but I got the picture. He was leaving us to our own devices. I wondered if Sasha had mentioned anything about me during my absence, something that had made him dream up a fictitious shift.

It was blistering on the beach by then and Sasha and I changed out of our suits and left soon after Nathan had gone. We walked around the lake, sweating in our clothes and downing gulps of bottled water from the snack counter. “There’re trees on the hill up ahead,” I said, pointing. “Let’s sit down.”

We climbed up the hill and secured a shaded bench. Sasha’s face was flushed. Her nose was nearly as pink as Nathan’s shoulders. “Do you have sunscreen with you?” I asked. “Looks like you should put some more on your face.”

She fished some out of her straw bag and applied it carefully to her face and arms. “You’re burning too,” she said, holding up the lotion. “Can I?”

“Yeah.” I closed my eyes and let her smooth the lotion across my face. I felt her dip in closer, like she was studying me, and then her lips were brushing against mine, feather soft. I licked her lips and slid my tongue into her mouth, really gentle and slow. Something told me I had to be careful with her, that I’d be sorry if I wasn’t.

Her tongue skimmed against mine. We kissed for a while, my right hand on the back of her head and my left on her knee. Then she drew back and smiled.

“That was a surprise,” I said.

“A good one, I hope.”

“Yeah.” I smiled and pulled her back towards me. I kissed her mouth and her neck and said, “You smell like the sun.”

“You do too.” She tilted her head pensively. I was about to ask her what she was thinking when she dropped her gaze and said, “I better go. My dad’s picking me up at the beach at six-thirty. Do you want a ride home?”

“Okay.” I was disappointed that we didn’t have more time and I wasn’t in a hurry to meet Sasha’s dad. We walked slowly back to the beach together and stopped at the edge of the parking lot. “Give me your number,” I said suddenly. “I’ll call you.”

“I don’t have a pen.” Sasha surveyed the parking lot, her eyes honing in on a silver Dodge Durango. The man in the driver’s seat stared back at her. Sasha blinked and turned towards me. “Will you remember it?”

She recited her phone number and I repeated it, stamping the number into my head as we headed for her father’s SUV, not really friends yet, not really anything, just two people who happened to kiss by a lake in July.

six

Mom was eating
a Greek salad in the kitchen, the
Globe and Mail
spread across the table and her legs resting on the chair across from her. She glanced up at me as I walked through the doorway. “Nicholas.” She put down her fork and folded up the paper. “I thought you were out with Nathan for the night. There’s salad and bread in the fridge.”

“Maybe later.” I explained that I’d come from the beach and was still too warm to be hungry.

“You got a lot of sun,” she said, examining my face. “You should be careful with that. You have your father’s coloring. He was always quick to burn.” She had this way of talking about Dad that made him sound like a distant, rarely seen relation, which in some ways he was. “Dani called here looking for you not ten minutes ago.” Mom picked up her fork and stabbed at a fat black olive. “You should invite her over sometime. I’d like to get to know your girlfriends.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” I said, drumming my fingers on the counter like it was no big deal. “We’re just friends.” Seemed like I was saying that a lot lately.

Mom frowned and popped the olive into her mouth. We’d spent tons of summer evenings eating cold salads and sliced meats for dinner since Dad left. Mom said that she could never stomach heavy meals in the warm weather. “You never tell me what’s going on anymore,” she complained. “You were such an open little boy. Now it’s like pulling teeth to get any information from you.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”
Open little boy.
Was I supposed to climb into her lap, hug her neck, and tell her everything that had happened on the playground today? Some things change in ten years, Mom.

“There’s never anything to tell,” she said. “Do you talk to your father about these things?”

“What things?” I asked, raising my voice a notch. “Can we not do this?”

“This?” Mom dropped her fork into the middle of her salad and glared at me.

“There’s no problem here,” I continued. “You’re on my back for no reason.”

“All right.” She sighed, holding both palms up. “Fine, Nicholas.”

“Good.” I stepped quickly away from the counter. “I’ll get something to eat later.”

“Fine,” she said again.

I went into the living room, flopped onto the couch, and grabbed the remote. Holland was sitting in one of the armchairs, earphones on and a book in her hands. She was one of the smartest people I knew and never hid it the way a lot of people do. I hoped high school wouldn’t ruin that about her and turn her into one of those girls who was constantly checking out guys to make sure they were checking her out or worse, someone who thought they were better than everyone else and wouldn’t let anyone with an IQ under 130 near them.

I’d assumed Sasha was like that, but she hadn’t acted that way on the beach. It’d felt so amazing just to kiss her; it made me imagine how the rest of it would feel.

“Did Mom tell you Dani called?” Holland asked, looking up from her book.

“Yeah,” I said impatiently.
Could I go five minutes without anyone mentioning Dani?

“Whatever,”
she shot back. “No need to jump down my throat.”

“I’m not. It’s just that Mom was giving me the third degree about her in the kitchen.”

“Oh, right.” Holland narrowed her eyes. “What did you tell her?”

“Nothing to tell,” I insisted.

“Liar.”

My lips snapped up into a smile. “Probably nothing, okay?”

“Probably nothing is the not the same as nothing, Nick.”

“You’re right,” I said, getting down to the serious business of flicking channels. “It’s still none of your business, Holland.”

Dani’s mom had the air conditioner switched to freezing. Thanks to Dani’s uncle, her bedroom walls were newly pristine, a clean eggshell color with no lumps in sight. Their flawless appearance made the house seem even colder and I pulled Dani under the blankets with me, wondering if a little adjustment to the air conditioning at home would fix Mom’s appetite and put some meat on the table.

Dani didn’t ask me what I’d dreamt last night. She didn’t seem interested in talking and I wasn’t either. I thought everything could go on just as it had been and then I wouldn’t have to worry about being careful with anyone. I thought that for about an hour and then guilt bit into me and kept biting. Maybe I should’ve felt guilty about kissing Sasha while I was with Dani, but that’s not the way it was. I couldn’t stop thinking about Sasha’s smooth skin and the way she’d yelped when Nathan hovered over her. Sasha would never have kissed me if she knew about Dani. She’d think I was out for whatever I could get.

“Let’s go downstairs and watch a movie or something,” I suggested, sitting up in bed. “We can’t stay in your room all the time.”
Was I actually making an excuse to get out of bed with Dani?
Infinitely crazy. I really wanted to get out of bed, though. I was thinking stupid things, trying to figure out how I could lose the sexual stuff and keep the friendship. People do it all the time, right? Not a big deal. It’s not like Dani and I were an actual couple.

“We can lie here and watch a DVD on my laptop if you want. It’s nice just being naked together, don’t you think?” Dani said.

Yeah, but…

“I think maybe we shouldn’t be doing this,” I began, and once I’d said that much, I couldn’t stop. “It doesn’t feel completely right. You should probably be with someone who wants to be in a real relationship with you.” Dani sat up next to me, pulling the sheet up with her like we were in a PG movie. “I mean, I do like you. I like you a lot, but I think we’re better as friends and this is going to fuck that up, don’t you think?”

Dani’s cheeks reddened as she stared at me. I thought she might cry and I wished that we could fast-forward through the part where I feel like a prick, but then she let the sheet fall and started pulling on her clothes. “There’s someone else, right? Do I know her?” She sounded calmer than she looked and when she whirled back towards me, the redness was gone.

“I’m not even sure there’s someone else.”

“Does she have a name?” Dani persisted.

I reached down and gathered my boxers and T-shirt from the floor. “Don’t get mad; there’s nothing going between us…”

Dani put her hands on her hips and watched me put my clothes on, her question gaining momentum in the silence.

“It’s Sasha Jasinski,” I confessed, stepping into my jeans. “But we’re not together or anything.”

Dani’s left hand dropped to her side as she grimaced. “You’re making a big mistake. She’s not your type. You’ll be bored in two days.”

“That’s not a very nice thing to say.” Stupid coming from me, I know. I pulled up my fly and clamped my mouth shut.